HOW TO BE ANGRY

Anger is a good emotion to have. Not all the time though. It is important to know when to show rage and when to bottle it up. Nigeria is a complicated place and it is easy to get your priorities wrong. There are times when you must carefully consider your anger and times when you must go with the flow and just attack. Because of how complicated this is, I have offered to help with these distinctions at no charge whatsoever. Because I care. 

Political gatherings

Generally, one should not be too angry at politicians. Yes, these people determine our fate as a country and may cause the suffering or death of people through inaction, but this is not enough reason to be angry. So if say you are put on a panel with a politician we all know is a thief and a pedophile, keep your anger inside your chest and don't do a foolish thing like pulling out of the panel because a pedophile is on it. A politician deserves some understanding. Their jobs are hard. If you meet a thief who is a politician, greet them properly, with all the respect they demand. Have your nicest business cards ready. Shake their hands and present them with your business cards. Give them a nice, oily smile. (Yes if it is a really big man, he will pass your business card to his PA, but don't be angry about that. That is normal.)

Shiites

Be angry. Don't ask why, just be angry. Be angry that their beliefs are different from yours, even though for most of us the only reason we are practicing the religions we are practicing is that we were born to people practicing those religions. Be angry that they pray differently from you. Be angry that they think your religion is wrong even though you also believe their religion is wrong. Be angry that they obstruct traffic even though you also obstruct traffic with your own gatherings and prayers and parties. You can never go wrong if you get angry at them. Our own government is angry at them, angry enough to massacre them and we must show support for our government. 

Gender 

Look, as a society we have decided how men should look and how women should look; how men should behave and how women should behave; the kind of perfume a man should use and the kind a woman should use. If you find anyone, especially a man, not acting according to the rules we have set as a society, be very angry. Do not think of yourself when doing this. Do not wonder if you have the right to dictate how another human being should look. This will slow you down. Just be angry,  call them abominable and where you can, even physically attack a person who does not conform to the gender rules we have created, especially if such individual is a man.

Women

This concerns you even if you are a woman because the job of keeping women in check cannot be done by men alone. Males cannot always be in female spaces so we need loyal women to make sure that women everywhere know their place. When a woman forgets her place just because she is employed and earns money, this is one place to show your anger. If a woman exercises her right to be a full human being with opinions that may be different from her husband, then you have every right to be angry. Be very angry, because if you don’t, it may happen that your own wife may see this and think that perhaps it is ok to have an opinion. And God forbid, but if you ever come across one of those women who think it is not their aim in life to cook for a man, be especially angry. Because like our president said, even if a woman is working, her job is to take care of her man. This is why she was put on this earth — to enjoy the privilege of making the lives of men easier and not to be equal human beings with their own goals and aspirations. If a woman admits to enjoying sex as much as men do, be angry and call her a shameless slut. We don't want women going around being sexual like men do.

Atheists 

As a general rule you must never be too angry at a person who expresses their unquestionable belief in God. That makes them children of God and God wont like you being angry at his children. So if a believer turns out to be a pedophile who likes to be with or marry young girls in their early teens, maybe shake your head but don't be too angry. At least don't show your anger. What you must never tolerate is a person who says they do not believe in God, no matter how nice or kind they are. Attack them wherever and whenever you can. Show your disgust. Tell them how despicable they are. The only exception to this rule about not being angry at believers is when those believers are Shiites. Everyone knows it is ok to attack them, even our government. 

Thieves 

Theft is annoying. But petty theft is even more annoying. You must show more anger at foolish petty thieves who do not even take their job of stealing seriously. You must be angry at people who steal purses and bags in the market. People who jump into houses to steal televisions or clothes. When you catch those ones, you must join the mob and beat them until they become unrecognizable. When you meet big thieves however, you must show them respect. Thieves that dress properly and sometimes have police orderlies. Thieves with mansions and titles. This is because they take their jobs seriously. 

I hope this helps. Go out and be angry today!

THE GREATEST THREATS TO WORLD PEACE (part 1)

1. WHATSAPP

A.

You are having a really rough week. The universe is conspiring against you, testing your resolve to maintain sanity and not commit multiple felonies by breaking something on someone’s head. At moments like this you turn to your love — you have been dating for about 9 months now. You have settled into this relationship like a tea bag at the bottom of a cup of tea that is getting cold. It is your safe zone. Her toothbrush is in your bathroom, two of her t-shirts in the pile of dirty clothes you just gave the laundry guy and her photo on the home screen of your phone. Both her phone numbers  are saved on your phone as Baby MTN and Baby Etisalat. 

It is just ten minutes past midnight and you really need to speak with her. It rings but she is not picking up. Your stomach churns. You turn to WhatsApp. 

Baby, you type. 

Message delivered. WhatsApp is there smiling at you, whispering into your ears:

Baby was last seen at 11:58pm. 

Maybe she slept off at 11:59, five minutes before you called. You are restless but you know and trust her. She sometimes falls asleep like that, especially when she is watching one of her series on DVD. Sleep begins to snatch you too. 

You wake up at 2.53am. You can’t go back to sleep. She must be snoring away in her Apo self-contained apartment. You check WhatsApp anyway. She isn't there but WhatsApp is there, always there, like a dutiful night watch man high on caffeine. 

Baby was last seen at 2.45am. 

She hasn't responded. 

And then it hits you. She spoke to someone at 11:45. Probable at 12.30 when you had dozed off. And again until 2:45. She is not speaking to her mother or any of her older brothers at that ungodly hour. She is certainly not chatting with any of her friends whom she loves and loathes in equal measure. It must be another man. 

Who is he? WhatsApp doesn't lie. Is he funny, funnier that you? She claims to be sapiosexual, it is even on her Twitter and Facebook profiles. Is he smart, smarter than you? 

When she finally replies at 9 in the morning, you are fuming but groggy from not having slept since 2:53am.

You have no proof. You cannot accuse her of anything in particular. But you know there is something she isn't telling you. 

This is how the end begins.

B. 

Tania and Jummai had spoken about forming a WhatsApp group to plan Sonia’s wedding. From the time the group was formed 8 months ago it has grown from three persons to twenty five. Each of the original persons invited people they thought would be great to have in the group and even though the wedding has come and gone the group is still as lively as one that was just formed. People have had meltdowns, fights have happened and reconciliations. Some do not speak to each other on the group. But no one has had the guts to leave. Because it is better to have a meltdown or insult someone’s dead mother than to suggest that you want to destroy the lives of everyone in the group by leaving. Nimata tried it and ended up having a physical delegation in her house asking why she wanted to ruin you all. She was added back to the group and there has been relative peace since then. 

But you want to leave. You desperately want to walk away. You tried muting the group several times, but each time you would get phone calls to ask why you weren't responding to a question directed at you on the group. Someone even suggested then that you were feeling too big to respond to them because you recently bought a Hyundai Elantra. Another person suggested that perhaps your new iPhone 7 was getting to your head. You never muted the group again. You will not let the devil use you to cause disharmony. 

The group is affecting your sanity. There are those who send long Happy New Week and Happy New Month messages. Those who post inspirational quotes every morning. Those who advertise the new shoes they have for sale. And Chioma’s husband who sees it as his God-given responsibility to advice members of the group on subjects ranging from how to keep fit to maintain a healthy relationship with God. Chioma’s husband who has told you several times to come give him a blow job while his wife was away. 

You endure this. Because you are not one to rock the boat and ruin people’s lives. It is your sanity versus the sanity of many others. And you choose their sanity.

2. THE SUYA MAN

It is 11.30pm and you have the strongest craving for suya. There is only one  still open in your area and even he closes around this time. You put on a t-shirt and rush out hoping to catch him. From a distance you see smoke rising. You are relieved. As you get closer you see that he is packing up to leave. You run toward him. 

He still has suya, but the yaji, the suya spice without which suya is mere roasted meat has finished. And so has his onions. You do not have onions at home but even if you did, the onions cut by the suya man always seems different from the onions you cut yourself. 

No yaji. Just like something out of that foolish Jamie Oliver’s kitchen when he burnt meat, inserted skewers, added green pepper and tomatoes and had the effrontery to call it Nigerian suya. No onions!

You want to ask him why he even exists. And worse, why he dares to call this meat lacking in any character, suya. 

AFRICAN NATIONS WARN OF INSTABILITY FOLLOWING US POLLS

Abuja, Nigeria — 

Nigeria and Ghana have said Friday that the US election due to hold on November 8, 2016 may be subject to “deliberate political sabotage from racist revolutionaries,” a strongly worded warning issued just as the recently measles-ravaged nation began a three week countdown to the most bitterly contested elections in recent times. 

The elections mark a pivotal moment for this aging democracy of over 300 million struggling with gun violence and open police brutality that has seen countless deaths from the minority tribe of African Americans. 

The statement from Foreign Ministers Geoffrey Onyeama (Nigeria) and Hanna Tetteh (Ghana) said that there were worrying indications that Trump supporters were planning an attacking on front runner Hillary Clinton, the first woman to ever reach such heights in what is supposed to be a first world country. 

The North American country’s president has been busy campaigning for his party’s candidate, Hillary Clinton whose husband also served as president in a regime largely hailed as decent. 

Many African observers worry that an election perceived as fraudulent could trigger racial violence and bitter divisions especially between racist misogynists and the rest of the country. 

American politics is largely divided along religious and geographic lines. While a large number of the 94 million Evangelical Christians support Mr Trump who once boasted of grabbing women by the pussy, Muslims and other minorities worry that a Trump presidency could lead to attacks and massive deportations from the country which already has a lot of gun violence in its streets. 

African Presidents are now meeting in Abidjan to consider intervention options in the event of violence from Trump supporters escalating. 

Earlier on Wednesday, president Jacob Zuma of South Africa and Muhammadu Buhari of Nigeria in a joint statement following talks on how to strengthen the African Union, warned that Trump allowing an attack on Mrs Clinton could trigger civil war and destabilize the whole North American region. 

“We understand the real and present danger of the destabilization of such a region,” Buhari said. 

“We are currently not in a situation to bear the burden of millions of refugees who might spill over into our borders fleeing violence and so we urge the warring parties to embrace peace,” Zuma added. 

Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe suggested that a Clinton-Trump power sharing deal may bring peace back to the troubled North American country.

"If the parties don't come to agreement now, today, the possibilities for the United States will become very difficult, if not dangerous," Mr. Mugabe told the gathering of African heads of states via Skype. "I really need to emphasize to you that if they do not have an agreement, if they do not move to a unity government, the African Union States may not be able to support the United States. It has worked for us and it can work for them.”

Kenyan President Uhuru Kenyatta on his part offered to broker a peace deal in Nairobi between warring parties Clinton and Trump before the elections on November 8. Agreeing with Mr Kenyatta, observer to the African Union Archbishop Desmond Tutu also suggested a truth and reconciliation commission to deal with all the lies, hate and threats that have threatened to mar the US elections. 

“Without truth, there cannot be reconciliation,” 85 year old Tutu said before breaking into a dance. 

America expert and fellow of the institute of North American studies in Bujumbura, Dr. J J C Okocha, has said that unless something is done quickly, the African Union may find itself having to send in troops to quell post electoral violence.  “I see boots on the ground if something is not done,” Okocha said.

Police officers in the US have killed almost 200 black people in 2016 alone, according to a project by The Guardian that tracks police killings in America. It is unclear what incumbent president Barrack Obama is doing to prevent these killings. 

BELONGING TO WHITE

White struggled with the pain in his side and with defecating as he travelled to other farms to canvass for support for his farm, especially for help with fighting the wild dogs in the north east and getting back yams that were stashed in far away farms. Each time White would come back home he would meet his wife Shabu at the gates howling and complaining about losing all the friends they had before he became farm manager. 

“I do not like what this job is doing to you, Shabu said to White. “When you were not farm manager, you had good friends who used to sit in your quiet part of the forest, telling jokes and cracking bones and being sincere. Now there are all these hawks and vultures and hyenas I have never seen before running and ruining the farm.”

And always White would tell her to be patient and that things would soon change. 

“Be patient my darling Shabu,” White would say. “Nothing is ever achieved in a haste. I know what I am doing. Don’t worry about that toad Timbu. I need him now. But trust me once I get my own men throughout the farm, I will cut him loose.” 

And Shabu would reluctantly stop howling. However lately, Shabu could barely see White. He was either too busy or in a far away farm or too tired to do anything when she actually saw him. 

“You don't have time for me anymore. You don't touch me anymore.”

“No darling Shabu it is not what you think. I have this pain in my side and down there when I defecate and it would quite stressful to love you the way you want, the way I should.” 

And when Shabu no longer had the ear of White, she waited until White went on one of his trips and went to the market square and gathered all the animals who would listen and told them that hawks and hyenas and vultures had showed up after White became farm manager and surrounded him:

…I have never seen those hyenas and vultures before. Not one of them. Meanwhile all of the hardworking ants and pigeons and monkeys and baboons who struggled to make sure Goodhead did not destroy this farm have all been tossed aside. 

And White heard that Shabu had said this, and he ordered that she be tied to a tree in the middle of the farm with only her hind legs standing, pending his return. When he got back he called a huge meeting and said to all who were gathered:

“You see this woman? She belongs in my bush. She belongs to me. And I will not let anyone who belongs to me embarrass me.”

And supporters of White did not know whether to defend Shabu or plead for her. Some animals said she was only joking. Other animals claimed she had spoken the truth and White needed to be saved from his new friends. 

“Look at White,” one giraffe said. “White is holy and can do no wrong. You can trace every problem on this farm to the bad friends who surround him and stop him from loving his wife properly. White is holy and can do no wrong. Every wrong you think White does is wrong that comes from his enemies.” 

And Shabu looked on in fear as White glowered at her, deciding what to do with her. A tear rolled down Shabu’s eyes. 

“All I ever wanted was to spend some quality time with you. To be called your wolf in public. To be called the first wolf. To be able to come cuddle with you at midnight even with the pain in your side. You know I will be gentle White. You have let these people threaten our love.”

White’s hand trembled as she spoke and he grit his teeth. 

“I love you too Shabu,” White broke down. “But I need you to be on my side because while I belong to nobody, you belong to me. Say it into my ear baby.”

Shabu asked that the rope be loosened so she could reach his ear. White motioned with his head for one of his farm hands to take her down. In front of all the animals she came close and whispered: “You belong to nobody but I belong to you daddy.”

“Say it again,” White moaned, shutting his eyes.

“I belong to you daddy!”

“Say it again!”

“I belong to you daddy.”

“I belong to you daaaaddddyyy…”

And all the animals watching became embarrassed and walked away from them. 

To distract the animals, the Whitist Priests began chanting loudly:

In the name of the White father

And of the farm hands

And of the holy Whitists…

Bless us White for we have sinned

Bless our thoughts

Bless our desires

Bless our intentions

Blessed be thy name

Thy will be done in every quarter among every animal species

Teach us to love your will

Teach us to be teachable

Teach us to trust your will even when your will may not be clear

Teach us to defend your will before it becomes your will

For thine are the decisions, the thoughts and the glory

For as long as you choose to be farm leader

Amen

And as they chanted the bats kept on being attacked and killed.

And winged animals kept appealing to White to make bats illegal on the farm. 

And hunger and thirst continued all across the farm. 

THE BOOKS OF WHITE

The farm blossomed with fresh fruits and water fountains and huge tubers and healthy grain and fat smiling animals (all the wild dogs were defeated and dead) and fresh grass in a new book that White wrote about himself. Animals from other farms came onto the farm falling over themselves to just have a little spot where to stand and enjoy all of the goodness of White’s amazing farm book. They punched each other, fought each other, begged to be associated with White and his farm. In this book of photos, White did not have a pain in his side and had no trouble answering the call of nature. In this colorful book, White has no wrinkles, just immaculate white fur, sharp, gleaming eyes and nice manicured claws. 

And the farm hands of White spread word about this book and how beautiful it was. They prescribed it as the solution to all the farms problems. Staring at the immaculate photos of White and his dream farm would make all the animals feel better about themselves and their farm. Farm hands said that all those animals that wailed were just ungrateful and spoilt and disloyal. They wanted to spoil the reputation of their lord and personal savior, White. And so they sold this book to animals who wanted it. And they got animals to give testimonies about the book’s healing powers. Whitist animals came forward and said it healed them from blindness and boils and sexually transmitted diseases.

“I had pile, but just looking at White’s photo book healed me,” a turkey said.

“I had glaucoma but just staring at the glossy images in White’s book made me see clearly again,” a horse said.

“I was pregnant and although my husband’s family is full of ugly brown calves, my little calf was born white and pretty like the white and pretty cows in White’s book,” a cow said. 

“I was dying and I touched White’s book and now I may never die again,” cried an antelope. 

And because of this success in healing all of the horrible things that the recession on the farm had caused, White decided to make another book about himself with the hope that perhaps, if enough animals were loyal and buy the book, the farm would come out of the recession. 

White got an old friend of his, a loyal animal, a fox from another farm in whose eyes he could never do wrong. And this fox quickly told a story of White’s life from when he was a wild wolf taking what did not belong to him until he took over the farm recently. He made White look good. And White looked at the book and saw that it was good. And he said: “Now it the time to bring succor to my animals, to bring healing to them through this book about all the ways that I am fabulous. Because my fabulousness is contagious.” 

White infected the farm with this new book and gathered people who came and gave testimony about its healing power. 

Meanwhile an argument broke out about who suggested the appointment of White’s docile deputy Sinbad, whom everyone loved. Some claimed it was White who handpicked him. Some claimed it was a snake called Timbuktu who controlled all of the animals in the West of the farm. And there was a huge ruckus and White got agitated and called everyone to order. 

“Instead of fighting you should get my book and heal your minds. My book can solve quarrels. Just looking at the pictures will make your heart glad and encourage forgiveness even if someone has wronged you. I will suggest that for serious ailments you take this dosage: My first picture book for one hour followed by two hours of the book about me written by my friend the fox.”

And all the animals loyal to White agreed with him and proceeded to buy copies of the books. They followed the prescriptions and it worked like magic. They stopped quarreling and resuming praising and worshipping White. 

And the leader of the crocodiles kept plotting to become farm manager. 

And a hyena called Teku began preparing also to become farm manager.

And animals wanting to invest in White’s farm began falling over each other and breaking their bones. 

And some animals started closing their barns and storehouses because they didn't have any grains with which to trade.

And darkness and thirst continued to cover the face of the farm. 

And a dog in the Committee of animals called Nodee who was addicted to roller skates bought himself an expensive pair of roller skates with which he planned to roll past starving animals. 

And animals in the north east of the farm continued to face starvation mostly because they had no access to White’s picture book. 

And farm hands continued to attack ungrateful disloyal animals who would not worship White. 

And all the Whitist priests and worshippers prayed:

In the name of the White father

And of the farm hands

And of the holy Whitists…

Bless us White for we have sinned

Bless our thoughts

Bless our desires

Bless our intentions

Blessed be thy name

Thy will be done in every quarter among every animal species

Teach us to love your will

Teach us to be teachable

Teach us to trust your will even when your will may not be clear

Teach us to defend your will before it becomes your will

For thine are the decisions, the thoughts and the glory

For as long as you choose to be farm leader

Amen

GRATITUDE IN DEPENDENCE

Nigeria is 56. It is a weird, nondescript  age to be throwing a big party. But especially since we have crossed the life expectancy of the average Nigerian, we need to be thankful. 

I have waited for president Buhari to be show appropriate gratitude and have heard nothing of substance. So I have decided to come in, like I often do on independence day. 

I want to thank all of the countries and entities that keep up afloat, without which we would be a shell of a country. The entities on which we are dependent. 

Thank you America. For always knowing. For always recieving our president when he runs to beg for your support. Thank you for sometimes stepping in and telling our president what to do even though you have your own madman threatening to take over and fuck Muslims and Mexicans up. Also, thank you for that accent that our radio presenters across the country try so desperately to copy. Really urban radio stations would be dead without you. We love you. You will see your flag flying in most big hotels in the cities. Yes the flag may be dirty, but at least we tried. 
Ps. Thank you also for not complaining too much about our president massacring hundreds of Shiites. Think what a human rights disaster that would have been. I am not saying you are secretly excited that Iran's foothold in Nigeria is destroyed but, you know just when to look away boo. Can't love you enough. Hugs.

Thank you UK. For keeping some of our key projects afloat. For DFID without which most of our hospitals would crash. For the projects which provide decent employment for our consultants and PhD’s and other development hustlers. For the schools which make sure the children of our elite take over from where their parents stopped ruining us. Thank you for staying even if your own relationship back at home has broken down and you are about to move out of your ex’s home. Breakups are hard. I hope that nothing cracks as you move your things out of the EU. Hugs. 

Thank you Holland. For easing the nerves of Nigerians with our most popular brand of beer. Many Nigerians may not realize Star Lager is a Dutch product, but I do. Thank you for helping us effectively wash away our sorrows. And for not always bragging that our national product is actually yours. 

Thank you South Africa. For all the companies that make our lives bearable. For DSTV, without which we would be stuck with government propaganda and adverts. For Shoprite. For MTN which teaches us values like patience and knowing how to have a backup plan. Thanks big brother. And, PS. We know that sometimes you treat us like shit, but sometimes a big brother disciplines the children of his younger brother. It keeps the relationship in check. The truth is, we need you. 

Thank you Switzerland. For safely storing all the money stolen from our country which has all come in handy in this recession. Your honesty is commendable. You even returned some of it. You just need to give the rest back. But we know you will at your own time. Some think your people are boring. They just don’t understand you like I do. Hugs. Oh, also sorry about Sepp Blatter.

Thank you Dubai. For keeping the wives and mistresses of our corrupt civil servants and leaders busy with interesting, expensive hobbies. For providing a safe haven when our corrupt politicians are too scared to go into America or Britain. You preserve our love.

Thank you Germany. For Julius Berger. Without whom in the event of an emergency, we would be in serious trouble. Thank you for all our major roads and bridges.

Thank you Ghana, Cyprus, Ukraine, Malaysia… for providing our pretend middle class an opportunity to give their children a decent education. Abroad is abroad. 

Thank you Benin Republic. For all the cooks who keep the expatriates in Nigeria nourished while they provide us technical expertise and foreign aid.

Thank you United Nations. For feeding our starving citizens especially the children and not wondering why in a country with such rich fat bastards, millions of people, especially children are starving. Be patient with us. We need you boo.

Thank you China. For the shinier, cheaper versions of all the things most of our people cannot afford. For the second hand trains. I know we are paying for it somehow, but still, thank you. I know America sometimes whispers into our ear not to get in bed with you too often, but at least you are an honest lover. You don’t lie to us like AMerica and UK does about wanting to marry us or be our boo; you don’t tell us you love us when you want to sleep with us. We know it is just for the sex. We don’t expect love or anything. And for this we are grateful. 

Ps. It would be nice if your people mixed with our people sometimes. We will learn your language if you want.

Thank you English football and the UEFA Champions League. For providing a distraction for young Nigerians who would otherwise have had the time to worry about a fast failing country. For the trends on Twitter on the weekends. You don’t know it yet, but English football and the Champions League have contributed to our stability as a nation, so that instead of quarrel about development, we can spend time fighting over Arsenal and Manchester United or whether Ronaldo is better than Messi. And for this we say, God bless you. 

Thank you foreign journalists. For asking the questions our journalists are too underpaid to ask. For being there when our president needs to speak abroad. For telling us the things we would never have found out. May God bless your hustle and lead you to more of our leaders and secrets.

Thank you Germany, England and India. For preserving the quality of life of our politicians and making sure they are healthy and able to rule us well. England especially, for treating our daddy's ears so that he can hear us better. For also treating their families and providing a decent place for our wealthy to die. God will bless your hustle.

May the good lord continue keeping these lovely people for us so that we can grow to even greater heights. Can I get an amen?