“Anyone who rides a tiger will end
up in its belly and one man cannot change a system from within.”- Sanusi ‘Bowtie’ Lamido Sanusi. c. 2002
“Anyone who knows very well the propensity
of a tiger for truncating one’s hustle and chooses to ride it anyway is either
suicidal or has anti-tiger juju in his front pocket. And a man who knows the
impossibility of one man changing a system from within but chooses to try
anyway should at least not do it wearing bowties. A disgraced man looks even
more embarrassing in a bowtie.”
– Unknown
Finally
Goodluck Jonathan has been able to get rid of the bow-tied thorn in his side.
Did I not explain last week how those bow ties would truncate Sanusi’s hustle? Did
he listen? No. He travelled to Niger Republic to attend a conference of Central
Bank governors, with a suitcase full of bow ties. The coup that followed, his
subsequent brief detention and the seizure of his passport at the Lagos
international airport by the SSS is not surprising. What for me is surprising
is that Goodluck, through his oily mouthpiece Reuben Abati, claimed Sanusi was removed
for ‘financial recklessness’. What an excuse.
Me
I know why Sanusi was removed. It is not because he challenged Prime Minister
Diezani, beloved of the President. I knew Sanusi was going to have to go as
soon the rumours of his virility appeared online. As soon as I read those text messages
published by Premium Times where an alleged lover was expressing gratitude for
his (non-banking) prowess, I knew Goodluck wasn’t man enough to tolerate such a
virile old man in his cabinet. I still remember the Premium Times report like
it was yesterday, especially the text message purportedly from Mrs Maryam Waisu
Yaro to Sanusi which read: “…I had such a wonderful weekend. You have revived
in me what I thought I lost long ago.” And his confident reply: “Alhamdulillah.
Love you.”
I
am still not sure what that ‘revival’ consisted of, but I do know it was enough
for Jonathan to put him on the watch list. I can understand that. Think of it:
some of the most influential members of Jonathan’s cabinet are women: Patience
Jonathan, Ngozi Okonjo Iweala, Diezani Allison-Madueke, and of course Stella
Oduah of blessed political memory. Imagine if Sanusi was able to make inroads into these women and cause a mass ‘revival’.
Then imagine if Sanusi enjoyed reviving both men and women. That is a palace
coup right there waiting to happen. I commend Jonathan for having the sense to
make a timely decision based on self-preservation.
But I want to know what Sanusi was thinking. He is
like a little child whose father lost a road side brawl giggling on the way
home and thinking that somehow all will be well. Such a child is liable to be
slapped out of consciousness at home. After repeatedly contradicting our de
facto Prime Minister on how much was stolen missing from the Federation
account, he really should have prepared his handing over notes. Now that he is
currently unemployed, I advice him to join Twitter. His friend and my older brother, Nasir El-rufai (who has like one billion Twitter followers) can
show him how it works. [I overheard once that the fastest way to make El-rufai's blood pressure rise is to stop him from tweeting].
TRIVIA: Sanusi is slightly taller than El-rufai (that is when Nasir is wearing a cap).
TRIVIA: Sanusi is slightly taller than El-rufai (that is when Nasir is wearing a cap).
***
So
John Legend’s new music video for the song “All of Me” which he performed with
his gorgeous (almost) white wife again sparked conversation in a few corners
online. People (mostly black women) were reminded of yet another successful
black man who is not married to a black woman.
“It’s
sad to never see black couples in the media anymore,” a (believe it or not)
mixed-race woman complained, “they don’t exist.”
I
think I know what it is. It is like that gay thing. You know some of those men
who follow non-black women say rubbish like, it is about the heart. That they
have no control over who they love. In response to the claim by some gay people
that they were born that way, some others have asserted that it can be cured
and have gone ahead to set up gay-curing institutions. Those people will make
heaven. I think black men loving white women to the detriment of long-suffering
black women can be cured too. I don’t
know what that cure will be but we will have to find it. Imagine, we already
have more women than men in our country. Which means that even if every black
man in Nigeria married a black woman, there would still be single women. We
cannot afford an epidemic the like of which is plaguing black America now-
single black women everywhere avoided by decent black men. As president, I will
deal with this in the short term by passing laws banning the marriage within
Nigeria of black men to white women. Find below my proposed legislation.
Because I care.
INTERRACIAL
MARRIAGE (PROHIBITION) BILL (2015)
1.
Marriage
Contract or civil union entered between a Nigerian black male and a white
female is hereby prohibited in Nigeria. It is not good. What do you want the
black women to do with themselves?
2.
Marriage
Contract or civil union entered between a Nigerian black male and a white
female by virtue of a certificate issued by a foreign country shall be void in
Nigeria and any benefits accruing there from by virtue of the certificate shall
not be enforced by any court of law in Nigeria. We will not allow the West
bring this bad unAfrican thing to our shores.
3. Marriage
or civil union entered between a Nigerian black male and a white female shall not
be solemnized in any place of worship either Church or Mosque or Shrine or
Eckankar temple or Olumba Olumba (whatever they call their place of worship). Our
religions uphold the right of black women to have black men.
4. Only
marriage contract between a Nigerian black male and a Nigerian black female is
recognized as valid in Nigeria.
5. The
Registration of interracial clubs, societies and organisations, their
sustenance, processions and meetings are hereby prohibited. Why would anyone
want to register such? Aren’t there real and urgent problems to form societies
for like poverty and erectile dysfunction?
6. The
public show of interracial amorous relationship directly or indirectly is
hereby prohibited. This is rubbing salt into the wound. It is bad enough that
you are mocking single black women by your secret criminal interracial relationship
but to make a show of interracial amorous relationship, ha, that one is
aggravated assault on the psyche of black women and is an offence attracting in
the first instance a term of 14 years imprisonment and if repeated, forcible
marriage (and consummation) with a black woman of the court’s choosing.
7. Persons
that enter into an interracial marriage contract or civil union commit an
offence and are jointly liable on conviction to a term of 14 years imprisonment
each. The white woman will be deported and declared an enemy of the state. Any attempt
by the said white woman to return will be treated as an act of war. What is it
with white women and our virile, circumcised men? Mtscheeuuw!
8. Any
person who registers, operates or participates in interracial clubs, societies
and organizations commits an offence and shall each be liable on conviction to
a term of 10 years imprisonment.
9.
Any
persons or group of persons that witnesses, abets and aids the solemnization of
a interracial marriage or civil union between a Nigerian male and a white
female or supports the registration of interracial clubs, societies and
organisations, processions or meetings in Nigeria commits an offence and is liable
on conviction to a term of 10 years imprisonment. How can you who doesn’t eat
dog meat, use your teeth to cut it for others? In fact, 14 years.
10.
The
only valid defenses to the offences above shall be:
a. Evidence
in writing of having been violently rejected (texts, bbm, Whatsapp and Facebook
rejections are admissible) by at least 20 Nigerian women evenly spread across the
six geopolitical zones of the country.
b. Evidence
of a man being infertile, such evidence being from a government hospital of
national repute, doctors of which must not have gone on strike in the past six
months. To deny your neighbor a stabilizer that doesn’t work anymore is not
good. What do you need it for? White women can take our infertile men, as long
as the men wear dark grey triangles on all items of clothing so that they are
not mistakenly arrested for offences in section 6 above.
PS. We don't really care about white men marrying black women. We treat it like lesbianism. We just ignore it. It is not like we are going to give them citizenship anyway.
What of gay people? What sort of question is that eh?
PS. We don't really care about white men marrying black women. We treat it like lesbianism. We just ignore it. It is not like we are going to give them citizenship anyway.
What of gay people? What sort of question is that eh?