Saturday, July 8, 2017


Dearest darling Buhari, 

I have spent all week ignoring the foolish people implying you are probably already dead. It is their erections that will die. Nonsense. So I was on the phone to your deputy. I will just write a transcript of the conversation because it is hard to explain. It makes me worry and but I don't want to stress you out. Anyway, please find below. 

Your Deputy: Saurayin Oga, how now? Long time. 

Me: Long time o, Oga deputy. How life?

Your Deputy: Life is scary o. You won't believe what has been happening.

Me: Oya tell me na. 

Your Deputy: You know I have been trying since your darling left. I have really tried. I have travelled to see all our people. I have tried to broker peace in the Niger Delta. I have visited markets. I have tried to raise confidence in the economy…

Me: Yes yes yes… so what is the problem?

Your Deputy: You are too impatient. Allow me to finish. Is this how you are with Daddy Bubu?

Me: Ok sorry na. Continue. 

Your Deputy: I have even done everything to make people know that I am loyal to your darling Bubu. I went to Katsina if you remember and called Bubu my father. I reassured everyone that I am not interested in taking over your darling’s house and pushing him aside. All I have done is work. And yes if I work, people will notice. And they will talk about it. That is not my fault. 

Me: No it is not your fault. Even I have told my bubu not to be worried about you taking over his darling. 

Your Deputy: Of course not. You are not even my type. 

Me: Whatever. Me too I can’t be darling to anyone who is as short as you are. Plus you like wearing grey. Which makes you look even smaller…

Your Deputy: It is ok. No need to fight. I think you have made your point. Anyway. Now they are trying to remove me as deputy. I just travelled once and they were trying to install another deputy. No one has respect for me. I keep hearing rumours that they want to sabotage things so that people will hate me. And no it is not because I am short. It is because they are afraid that god forbid, if anything happens to your darling…

Me: God forbid. It is your darling something will happen to, not mine. 

Your Deputy: Haba. I am not wishing bad na. I am just talking about probabilities. Don't take this personal. 

Me: Oya continue. 

Your Deputy: People are afraid that I will take over the house and want to continue the way Jonathan did. And we all know how that ended. And it is not as if I am even interested. Now don't get me wrong. Of course everyone wants to be the head of the house and all but I know our family has agreed that the northern people do 8 years and then others can take over. And you know my senior brother also is waiting and if I interrupt the flow, it will affect his chances of becoming president of the house in 2023. 

Me: Hmmmm. That is a serious matter. 

Your Deputy: Yes it is. You know in this our house it is more important where you come from than what work you are actually doing. 

Me: Yes, I know. But I have a suggestion. Why can’t you just change ethnic group and religion?

Your Deputy: Change religion I understand. But change ethnic group?

Me: Yes na. You don't see what is happening in the world. People can now be transracial like they can be transgender. See that Rachel Dolezal who said she is now black. You can also just declare you are now a northern Muslim and then write a book about it and launch it at Yaradua Centre in Abuja. You know?

Your Deputy: That is a good point o. How about I say I just found out that my grandfather was actually a slave from Kano stolen and gifted to my great grandfather. I will try that. Thanks for the suggestion. 

Me: No wahala. Anyway, you keep doing the work. I will talk to my Bubu in a minute. And please can you help release that Shiite man whose children we killed because… hello? Hello? Are you still there? 

Darling Bubu, this was our conversation o. I don't know if it is the Shiite matter that made him drop the phone or it was just bad network. Maybe the network. What do you think we should do? I would appreciate a WhatsApp voice note, the type you sent me for Sallah. Also, I hear the process of recall of Senator Mai Mota is progressing. The house is really interesting these days. You even need a boat to move around Lagos streets. I have always wanted to use a boat in Nigeria. I think it will be beautiful if Lagos can become like Venice. We can just do sexy things like host a film festival and have celebrities arrive in pretty boats and yachts. Great for photos.  

I miss you. I wanted to check our account balance to see how much we have left. Can you please tell me how much we have spent so far on treatment? I just want to know so that I can balance our accounts.  

Yours always,

Elnathan John. 

Sunday, July 2, 2017


Dearest Buhari,
So, while you are recovering (by the way, thanks for that caring voice note you sent me for Sallah, you rock!) I have decided to be proactive and help you with governance. I have decided to sponsor bills on your behalf. I will start with a nationwide problem that needs to be tackled. Treacherous tailors who ruin our events. Please find below for your perusal. 

A bill for an Act to cater to the millions of traumatised victims of tardy Nigerian tailors, to establish a Tailor Crimes Commission, Tailors Victims Support Commission and the Tailors Victims Support fund, to criminalise and provide punishment for tardiness by tailors and other matters related thereto.

1.   Interpretation
In this Bill, unless the context otherwise requires-
      “Tailor” means any individual engaged in the production of any type of apparel for human use irrespective of whatever cool appellation they may give themselves, including but not limited to pretentious titles like “seamstress”, “dressmaker”, “fashion designer”. 
     “Tardiness” means everything from non delivery of apparel given for production or delivery of said apparel at anytime after the agreed time and date for such production.

2.  Establishment of Tailor Crimes Commission 
(1) There is hereby established a body to be known as the Nigerian Tailor Crimes Commission (hereinafter referred to as "the crimes commission”)
The crimes commission shall-

(a) be responsible for all matters affecting crimes by tailors in Nigeria as provided for in this Act;

(b) monitor and supervise Nigerian tailors in relation to international tailoring standards and advise Government thereon;

(c) prosecute arrest and investigate tailors who cause heartache and sorrow to innocent Nigerians whose only crime was engaging a Nigerian tailor;

(d) enlighten and inform the public on matters relating to their rights with regard to tailors;

(e) maintain an effective data bank on tailors and their crimes and reward tailors who are crime free

(f) be responsible for such other matters as relate to tailors in Nigeria as the Minister (for Internal Affairs) may, from time to time, direct.

3. Tailor Crimes 
(1)  A person commits a Tailor Crime if
(a)  He or she, being in receipt of a fabric, or money to purchase said fabric for the production of any apparel for human use fails completely to produce such apparel.
(b)  He or she, being in receipt of a fabric, or money to purchase said fabric for the production of any apparel for human use fails to deliver such apparel to the owner at or before the agreed time for delivery. 
(c)  He or she, being in receipt of a fabric, or money to purchase said fabric for the production of any apparel for human use fails to produce the apparel according to the agreed specifications, making it either too small or too large or too different from the sample or totally unwearable or missing major appurtenances including but not limited to buttons or sequins or functional zippers, or button holes.
(2)  A person who commits a Tailor Crime shall be liable upon conviction to a term of imprisonment not exceeding 4 years including a fine covering the cost of a new apparel.
(3) The following shall not be acceptable defences to Tailor Crimes 
  1. “I get Catarrh”
  2. “I no well” when said excuse is not accompanied by doctors report or evidence of total physical incapacity.
  3. Wedding
  4. Wedding of one’s relatives
  5. Death of one’s grand mother or aunt or great-grandmother especially one who has died before
  6. “No light”
  7. “I no find landing for your cloth”
  8. Anybody’s second burial 
  9. “My pikin no well” except when accompanied by evidence. 

4.  The offence of Aggravated Tailor Crimes
(1)  A person commits the offence of Aggravated Tailor Crimes when he or she commits Tailor Crimes more than once against the same person within a period of two months or commits more than one Tailor Crime against the same person, for example, being tardy AND ruining the apparel. 
(2)  A person who commits the offence of Aggravated Tailor Crimes shall be liable upon conviction to a term of imprisonment not exceeding 8 years including a lifetime ban from being a tailor. 

5.  Establishment of Tailor Victims Support Commission 
(1) There is hereby established a body to be known as the Nigerian Tailor Victims  Support Commission (hereinafter referred to as "the support commission”)
The support commission shall-

(a) be responsible for the emotional support of all victims of Tailor Crimes in Nigeria as provided for in this Act;

(b) respond to all emergencies relating to Nigerian tailors including but not limited to providing trauma counselling to victims whose spirits have been broken because a Nigerian tailor ruined their wedding, party, event, funeral, job interview, date, award ceremony other important event;

(c) hold town hall meetings to sensitise Nigerians on the dangers of Tailor Crimes;

(d) coordinate meetings and create local chapters of victim support groups online and offline;

6.  Establishment of Tailor Victims Support Fund 
(1) There is hereby established a fund to be known as the Nigerian Tailor Victims  Support Fund (hereinafter referred to as "the fund”)
The fund shall-
  1. consist of monthly tax from all tailors in Nigeria whether or not they have committed Tailor Crimes
  2. Be used to support victims of Nigerian Tailors and run the support commission in general
  3. Be used to pay for trauma treatment and new fabrics in compensation for Tailor Crimes. 

Let me know what you think dear.

Your always,

Elnathan John