It has been over 40 weeks since
this glorious presidential hustle began. But as the year ends, it feels just
like yesterday. While my soon-to-be-predecessor has continued ignoring me, my
phone calls, texts, Whatsap messages and my open comments on the unfortunate
way he has been truncating the hustle of many Nigerians, I am glad that we are
at least one step closer to 2015, when Nigerians are destined to start enjoying
my presidency. But my door is still open to him if he repents. I said it last
week: there is nothing in this life.
My pain is not that Mr Jonathan
did not reply my open letter. It is worse - he did not even acknowledge it. I remember primary
school- when someone stronger than you taunts you or challenges you to a fight,
you look away and say: “Silence is the best answer for a fool.” I feel
like Jonathan has just called me a fool. This hurts. For a man who only
returned from the tomb of Jesus in Israel a few months ago, that is a very bad way
to treat a presidential hopeful who abandoned all other things to write him a
letter.
If you ask me, Jonathan should
stop making national statements from inside his churches. Think if everyone did
that: make public statements from their place of worship. Wole Soyinka for
example- if he made all those intelligent public statements from inside a
shrine. You know how poor lighting is inside a shrine and how very likely the
priest of the shrine wouldn’t let them have a sound system set up in the
shrine. We would have been robbed of seeing his healthy gray afro and hearing
his intelligent thoughts. Worse still every time Jonathan attends a church
service, he manages to say something controversial. There is something about
the church that is bad for Jonathan’s mouth. Last Sunday he managed to say: “For those who know about terrorism,
countries that are infested with terror will hardly get out of it.” Of course he quickly denied that which he said before God and before
cameras. If God can forget or forgive, cameras cannot. I just want to say on
behalf of Nigeria: back-to-sender.
Apart from this apparent incompatibility of Jonathan’s spirit with that of the
church, I wonder if he thinks about the feelings of the more than 50 percent of
his population who do not go to church when making public pronouncements there.
As part of that more 50 percent I hereby register my protest.
The 2014
budget has revealed that again Jonathan wants to buy another plane for his use.
I have stated several times that I will sell off those planes when I get to
power just like President Joyce Banda of Malawi who sold off her 15million
dollar plane to buy maize for her starving citizens. As someone who claims to
be a child of god, I do not expect this from Jonathan. Every time a person who
wants to go to heaven accumulates earthly possessions it shows lack of faith.
Or maybe there are sins that Jonathan is committing in private that makes him
sure he will not enter heaven. Because I do not understand why he needs to
spend money like this. Our money.
Looking
through the 2014 budget, I discovered that over 830million will be used by the
Federal Government to run generators. Yet Jonathan swears by the creeks in his
village that by 2014 Nigerians will have power. I don’t understand this. This
is just like a man of god who claims to heal sickness and raise dead people,
travelling around with bodyguards, a personal doctor and huge first aid kit.
There are
things that by virtue of their terribly embarrassing and painful nature, no one
wishes on his enemies. Like genital warts, armpit boils, and parents like
Olusegun Obasanjo. I just hope that when he was allegedly sleeping with his
son’s wife he was using protection. Think of the potential embarrassment if she
had given birth to a child for both father and son. While some children would call
General Obasanjo grandpa, others would call him papa. Quite confusing if you
ask me. Children shouldn’t be confused like that. I do not blame Iyabo Obasanjo
for her open letter to her father. It must be traumatizing to have to tolerate
such a man. I just want to warn the General in advance. I am not as nice as
Jonathan. When I become president he will be spending his retirement in prison
for any of a dozen offences he committed as president. And I will make sure
there is no typewriter, computer, pen, pencil or paper or whatever it is he
uses to write these days.
So I read
that a certain Tonye Okio was arrested in Abuja on the 26th of
October and has been in detention since for criticizing the Governor of Bayelsa
State on Facebook. At first I laughed because I thought it was one of those
prank emails, but I followed the story and found a report on Premium Times. I
just want to put my supporters on alert. Now that my presidential hustle is
getting stronger and stronger, they can go and arrest me for the things I write
on Facebook and Twitter. It is not that I cannot stay in jail for the struggle.
It is just that I get malaria easily and I am sure they do not have mosquito
nets or insecticides in prison. It will be bad if I catch malaria in prison. So
if you don’t hear from me for one week, know that they have come for me.
Protests and rallies and demonstrations and open letters will be in order.
May God
continue to bless your individual hustles, and truncate those who try to
truncate your hustle.
Your soon-to-be-President,
Elnathan John
Ps. Is it
just me, or does Mr. Jonathan desperately need a good speech/letter writer?