Sunday, January 25, 2015


As a presidential candidate it is important that I weigh in on the recent controversy surrounding a fellow presidential hopeful, Muhammadu Buhari. I realize that section 131 (d) of the constitution says that a person shall be qualified to run for president if he has been educated up to at least School Certificate level or its equivalent. Now some may argue that the words “at least” imply that you do not need a WAEC result if you have something higher than it. Just like a woman who says she will not sleep with her husband if he does not get her at least an iPhone 4 – if he gets her an iPhone 6, she will not insist on the iPhone 4 abi? But Presidential elections is not marital politics. People have said Buhari, who attended many post graduate military courses in Nigeria and abroad, including the US War College, must produce a School Certificate, or whatever certificate they had in the last century when he was in school. I am no expert. But if the constitution mentions School Certificate, then so be it.
Some of Buhari’s supporters have expressed annoyance that Buhari had to disturb the Principal of his old secondary school for a re-issue of his 1961 certificate. Me, I understand. Buhari needs to show us his certificate. There are at least two reasons why:
1.     A certificate shows that you were not smoking Indian hemp with your school fees when your parents thought you were going to school. I still sometimes run into one of my school mates who never graduated from school because he thought it was smart to spend his school fees. Whenever we meet, he asks me for 50 or 100 naira for “transport”. But I know he only wants to transport some marijuana into his system. Imagine that somehow a guy like that becomes our president because our laws failed to ask for the proper documents. Imagine a junkie going for an international meeting and selling our oil wells so he can buy drugs. People do strange things under the influence of drugs. Section 131 makes sure this kind of thing will never happen to our country. God bless Section 131.
2.     Whenever I enter a local drug store I always look for the certificate hanging on the wall to be sure that the proprietor is a registered drug retailer. I know that it is usually a photocopy but as long as the words and signature are legible, I am fine. Then I know that the Benylin with Codeine or Postinor 2 I am buying is less likely to be fake or expired. And I know that if, worst case scenario, the drugs don’t work because they are fake I can report him to the body with which he is registered. In life it is good to have certainties like that. Imagine not knowing if the guy selling you Postinor 2 is registered or not. Just imagine. Certificates are really useful.
My advice is that as soon as Buhari receives a hard copy of his certificate from his alma mater in Katsina (or Cambridge), he should quickly make an A3 copy, frame it, and hang it in his office together with a class photo of his secondary school showing other persons who are capable of attesting to the fact that he did finish secondary school.
No one has asked me to produce a certificate, but I know my political enemies. They can spring up and embarrass me. So I am going to tell you all about my Secondary School certificate. Almost 20 years ago, before I finished secondary school, I wrote my first GCE exam. Of course I failed woefully. I passed only English, Hausa and Foods and Nutrition. Don’t ask me why I registered for Foods and Nutrition in GCE.
In my second School Certificate exam I still couldn’t pass mathematics. I got a P7. But Nigerians shouldn’t despair. It is not by passing mathematics that one becomes a great leader. Sir Winston Churchill did very poorly in school and had to apply to the Royal Military College many times, finally opting for cavalry instead of infantry because in cavalry you didn’t need mathematics to apply. Today, 50 years after his death, he is one of the most quoted world leaders. So you see, you have nothing to fear in my case. In fact, I went on to write a third exam where I narrowly passed mathematics with a C6. This alone is enough to show you that I never give up, even when I fail mathematics. If you are in doubt, send me a message and I will email you a scanned copy of all three certificates. It would be nice if you could come out en masse on February 14 with your PVCs to vote for me as the only candidate who really, truly cares.

Sunday, January 11, 2015


We are drawing closer and closer to the day of electoral reckoning. Goodluck Jonathan is my political enemy but I will give him and his INEC one thing: they chose the date wisely. February 14.
Valentine’s Day is a metaphor. After he chose this date I stopped doubting like people are now, that Jonathan indeed has a PhD. Only a man with that kind of intellect could have come up with this loaded date. Ok agreed his PhD is in the study of animals and not humans, but you have to agree that this PhD is perfect for the kind of people who surround the villa these days. Knowledge of human behavior is useless in dealing with them. On Valentine’s Day, Nigerians will express their love through the ballot for a candidate of their choice. And if Nigerians are wise as I know they are, they will choose me. Obviously. Because I care.
I see people these days asking General Buhari to produce his secondary school certificate. That indeed is what the law says. In fact I have just sent a copy of mine through DHL to INEC. The passport on it is not flattering, but I hope it reaches there safely. While I agree that Buhari should produce his certificate and stop asking the army to help him, I just want to say that asking Buhari to prove he finished secondary school is like asking a pregnant woman who already has three children that she has ever been touched by a man.
Even as we draw closer to the season of love and elections, I am willing to say good things about Jonathan. While people around him and around Buhari keep looking for ways to undermine and discover scandals and lies about each other, I am the only candidate keeping positive. In a recent speech he changed his mind about the Movement for the Emancipation of the Niger Delta, MEND. His own boys. At a time when you think Jonathan will be relying on his tribal militants, he disowned their leader in public. In 2010 he had publicly denied that MEND had anything to do with the October 1 Abuja bombing. He said that people were trying to give MEND a bad name. Criminals. But then, thanks to the South Africans, I think he saw the light. And in 2015, he realized that indeed Henry Okah of MEND was behind the bombings, which he now claims were designed especially for him. MEND wanted to assassinate him. “Some people” sent them but he didn’t say who. Do you know what it means, for a person in power – the leader of the most populous black nation on earth with the largest economy in Africa – to admit wrong judgment? In public? He could have let it go thinking Nigerians would have forgotten about those 2010 bombings. But he didn’t. God bless South Africa for opening his eyes. And God bless Jonathan for letting his eyes be opened. Because you can show a man truth. But you cannot force him to see it.
I hear that a certain priest, Father Mbaka, gave a sermon against Jonathan that went viral. Someone saw the DVD in traffic and sent it to me. I could have just watched it online for free but I think the DVD is better. In that sermon Father Mbaka claimed that since Goodluck Jonathan assumed office all we have been experiencing is bad luck. At first I was excited, thinking maybe that was good for my own campaign. But they say that when your neighbor’s beard is on fire you start to wet your own beard. Just in case. Today it is Jonathan. Tomorrow it may be me. I researched the priest and it seems like he was angry about his hustle not enabling him to reach Aso Rock and so was lashing out. It is his hustle that has bad luck. I avoid people with bad luck. Bad luck is contagious.
Speaking of love I heard that a "daughter" of President Jonathan recently got married. I was quite upset. He may be my political opponent but for now he is my president. He cannot be springing surprises like that. It is like being in a committed relationship with someone for five years, thinking you know everything about them and then suddenly you hear that they have a grown up daughter about to get married. As part of transparency and accountability, Nigerians deserve to have a comprehensive list of all his children, especially the ones of marriageable age. Nigerians deserve a level playing field when it comes to loving his children. I am still single. Nothing stops him from sending me a text or WhatsApp to ask if I am interested. That we are opponents doesn’t mean we can’t fall in love with each other’s relatives.
Dear Jonathan, if you are listening, kindly be mature and produce a list of your adult children. It is the least you can do. God bless.
Ps. I am informed that commercial sex workers in the Nigeria bearing the name National Association of Nigerian Prostitutes, NANP, have decided to support Buhari. I am disappointed. Of all the candidates to support! They even declared three days of free sex if the septuagenarian wins. Buhari may think this is all well and good but I hope he is not planning to take part in the three-day largesse. Because I don’t know if Nigerians are mentally ready to have as president a man as tiny as Osinbajo. 
Ps. 2 At least one Nigerian Minister, Ngozi Okonjo Iweala responded to the terrorist killings in Paris with a tweet of condolences with the hash tag #JeSuisCharlie. A dozen people were killed in that attack. Around the same time in Nigeria, there were killings by Boko Haram in the town of Baga. Two thousand people are rumoured to have died. At the time of publication no government official has thought of a hash tag or taken responsibility or tweeted heartfelt condolences. May tragedy never befall us. But if it does, may our tragedy be sexy enough for a hash tag.