Tuesday, September 26, 2017


Darling Buhari,

I am still replaying your amazing speech at the UN General Assembly. I think it was the best speech ever. No other leader spoke better than you. And thank you for keeping to the time. Thank you for not being like Ghaddafi who used to spend hours speaking. I will just go over some of the amazing things you said.

You know how you mentioned that the world must protect Rohingya Muslims who are being chased out of their country? I loved it! Some disloyal people are saying you are a hypocrite for killing Shiites in Nigeria and asking the world to save Rohingya. They know nothing. I know while writing you forgot to mention the Shia Muslims who are also being chased and killed in Nigeria. I know why you forgot. One reason is that it really is not your fault. Also, it is not like the Rohingya touched the chest of a Nigerian soldier. Because we both know the proportionate response to that is a massacre. But I digress. The second reason is that I know you are already thinking of releasing Zakzaky after the court orders saying so. I also know that you are thinking of releasing the many hundreds of Shiites who are currently being incarcerated without charge. Because you are so kind and loving and caring and thoughtful and devoted to the rule of law.

You also gave a groundbreaking suggestion for how to deal with the nuclear threats from North Korea. You asked the United Nations to organize a visit of world leaders to Pyongyang to negotiate a settlement. You don't like conflict or war. Those same disloyal people rushed to point out that you respond to protests by rolling out the military, first to do a python dance and then to do a crocodile dance. They say that in response to agitation in the south-east you have gone to get a court order declaring them terrorists so that essentially you can kill them and detain them indefinitely. But darling they don't know you like I do. I know that you only declare them terrorists to put the fear of God in them, to make them repent from their ways. You don't really want to torture and kill them for simply protesting and asking for their own country. You love them more than you love North Korea only that you know with your own child you have to be tougher. I know this dear.

I am sure you have settled in London. Please, darling can we be better than the last time? Remember those months of silence? It was bad for our relationship and it made all the political hustlers and vultures come out, including that one who was leaking the memos he sent to you. Can you at least text me regularly even if you can't Skype or FaceTime me? I would really appreciate it and it will make our love grow stronger. Once a week, a few words to say you are ok and are taking your vitamins will be sufficient for me.

Hmmm, my dear, when I saw you with Trump in New York I was worried fa. I was hoping he wouldn't grab you by the you-know-where. Because we don't know if he does both. I am glad you left there in one piece. I am not sure what those Americans saw in him to elect such a person. He is nothing like you. First look at his chin, you can see signs of excess and self-indulgence. You have always been fit and trim. He tweets like a 12-year-old. You don't tweet at all. He is threatening to go to war with North Korea. You hate war and only roll out soldiers to discipline your own children. You never threaten foreigners with your army.

I was watching the news regarding Spain and the people protesting for Catalan independence are getting more determined. They have seen your Python dance that is why. Do you want to offer them some consultancy on how to effect smooth forced disappearances? I am sure they will pay handsomely.

I keep wondering, maybe I missed the news but have you dealt with the report of the panel about the grass cutter and his corruption? What have you decided to do about him? It is not that I have anything against him, it is just that we have been screaming about anti-corruption and this one guy who is close to us is still out there enjoying his money, eating suya and drinking beer.

Please try and swear sweater o. You know Europe is entering autumn which is really cold for us. Drink hot tea and wear socks when you are in the house.

Talk soon.

Yours till 2023,

PS. While I was posting this you came back home from London. I am glad you miss me that much. I hate it when you travel. Can we please build a hospital in Nigeria you can at least use sometimes? You know, something good enough for you (and me)? Hugs.