Sunday, December 8, 2013


Because I Care #38

With gratitude to the gods for common sense and total submission to the outcry of Nigerian people, I am proud to announce that Widower Adams Oshiomole has made up with his go-and-die widow. I was pleased to read of her visit to the Edo State Government House at the invitation of Adams himself. I am glad that the comrade governor is finally giving in. Sometimes life just happens to us. His own words reinforce this: “Maybe this is the way God wants it. That is why I asked them to look for you so that I can personally offer my apology, but also to support you, so that God helping you, you can overcome the pain of widowhood.”
I am not sure how else Adams plans to help Mrs. Joy Ifijie “overcome the pain of widowhood”. Perhaps this is a reciprocal thing? I rub your widowhood, you rub my widowerhood? Only time will tell. All I can say is, looking at the picture of them having tea, they look good together. 

As president I will have to watch the Senate. There are sneaky fellows in those hallowed chambers. That is how they sneak private clauses into public bills. This week, it was revealed during a public hearing that in a bill for an act to “provide for the prohibition and punishment for electronic fraud and crime in all electronic transactions in Nigeria”, the following phrase was snuck in: "Anyone who intentionally propagates false information that could threaten the security of the country or that is capable of inciting the general public against the government through electronic message shall be guilty of an offense and upon conviction shall be sentenced to seven years imprisonment or N5 million (fine)."

I want to meet the Senator that tried to sneak in a provision to gag people on social media in a bill that was meant for electronic fraud? That is how when I am president I will sponsor a national health bill and a senator will sneak in a clause prescribing the death penalty for people with beer bellies. I can swear that being the only internet savvy presidential aspirant running in 2015, this was targeted at me. They see my progress and my growing popularity. They see how my political enemies are crumbling around me, first the PDP then the new PDP. I will not stop until I find that Senator who is the agent of my enemies. I am using this opportunity to prepare my supporters in the event that this odious provision gets passed into law and I am arrested for saying the truth about my soon-to-be-predecessor or his wife. You can’t trust these people.

Talking of predecessors, I hear that Mr Jonathan and his wife privately checked into a German hospital this week. He doesn’t take my calls. I would have confirmed if it was still that his chronic stomach ache from his birthday celebration last week or if it was something else. Like I said before, I like to fight fair. So I am willing to suspend all political campaigns until he has fully recovered. I mean even prisoners on death row are not hanged if they fall sick. It is only proper. To that end I am asking all my supporters to suspend spreading the goodness of my candidacy until we certify that the president is in good health. Please. 

Now, I will admit that the internal politics of my political rivals in the PDP is really none of my business. But sometimes I cannot help but wonder what is up with Bamanga Tukur and why he has Jonathan by the scrotum. Bamanga should be on a farm somewhere enjoying visits from his grandchildren and great grandchildren. After I defeat Jonathan I will tell him that Bamanga was a huge political liability. I would have told him now, but like I said, the man doesn’t take my calls. It happens sometimes between presidential aspirants. You know, just like Obama and Hillary who almost tore themselves apart during the primaries but enjoyed a great working relationship after. I hope Jonathan is big enough to be my friend when I win. 

The British government recently tried to sneak an asylum seeking hunger striker into Nigeria on a private jet. They spent not less than 25million naira to hire the plane. I don’t understand Britain. A long term result of under-developing Africa is that people will naturally migrate to the more developed areas. In fact in protest of Britain’s colonial past, as soon as I become president, I will get on a private jet, without applying for a visa and head to London. When they ask me at the border if I have a visa, I will ask them if they came with visas when they came to colonize us. 

Ps. Madiba died this week. Mr Mandela moved from being human to being a phenomenon. Not many men have been as idolized while they were still living. Not many men will be as idolized, period. Sadly even leaders who hold their citizens in political and economic apartheid have joined the race to give the best Mandela eulogy. Madiba is watching them.

Ps. 2 I just want to commiserate with Dele Momodu who wrote that his “dream [of meeting Mandela] finally evaporated on December 5, 2013.” However I also must congratulate him. He somehow managed to squeeze into his article that the news of Madiba’s death crept into his Blackberry “before the news broke out”. Giant strides I say, oga Momodu. Giant strides!

1 comment:

  1. You have finally convinced me that you know what you are doing! I hail thee Mr. president, for this sunday sunday tonics!


You fit vex, bet abeg no curse me. You hear?