SHORT MEN, LITTLE DICTATORS

Dearest Buhari, 

I think I am coping well with this long distance relationship, better than I thought I would. The tips I sent last week are helping. I miss you. 

This week so many things happened, things that make me worry for our house and for our future. I know you will not be able to run this house forever. Someone will have to take over when you retire but I do not like what I see. 

First off that little man who always swears that he loves you more than he loves suya, more than all of his wives — he is letting his position get to his head. He is arresting people who write things he doesn't like. He is threatening people. In fact it got so bad that someone took him to court recently and won. The court prevented him from harassing or attempting to arrest her for the things she has written. You know what baffles me Bubu? This man has the worst insults on his burnt lips. You know the man who used to run our farm before, the slow one, Jonah? Do you remember how the little one used to insult him everyday; you know, that time he didn't have work? He was on Twitter morning afternoon and night saying the vilest things about Jonah. Of course we mostly agreed, but no one said, “you this little man, how dare you abuse Jonah?” No one arrested him. Now he threatens people who write articles. Is it something about short people? Because I expect that now that he is in a position of authority and can sit on high tables and chairs, he should calm down. What if he is charge of the whole house? Will he start making people disappear? But then look at your deputy. He is also a short man. But he does not have that kind of gra-gra. He does not harass people who talk about him. He is short but he thinks before he speaks. So it cannot be about height. Not all short people are nasty. Having said that, I must say that I love that you are tall and there is no way I would have chosen anyone less to be my darling. Hugs. 

My dear we have to talk about these your workers and relatives. You were clear when you were leaving that your deputy would take over and run things in your absence. I do not know why they are trying to undermine him. I tell you that little one gives short people a bad name so everyone is afraid that as a short man your deputy will also behave like the little one. But your deputy is not like that. They don't want him to sign cheques and things like that. They are keeping it until you can sign yourself. Me I have told them to let him do everything you used to do. Apart from love me that is. I am faithful to you my darling. But he has to be able to carry out all of the other duties of the head of the house. Otherwise what is the point of handing over to him? Please tell them to stop undermining him and to let him have to full authority to run this house properly. Especially about the budget. The house cannot wait until you return to get the budget. 

Albishirin ka! Wallahi, you won’t believe it! So, that senator who does music videos and has ten cars, the one who is acting bodyguard to the senate president, yes that one — he said he wrote a book about how women selling tomatoes in the market can be corrupt. Wait let me laugh small first. Kai! The book was about corruption and guess who was there? The senate president who is being accused of corruption. Jonah’s wife — not the one we don't know, I mean the one with the tummy tuck who they told us stole from us. She was there with her fine gele sitting on the high table. I am not joking. My only annoyance while I was laughing is that one of your workers was also there. You need to talk to your workers and assistants. This is not the kind of place people connected to us should be visiting. You cannot have a gathering of people accused of theft celebrating a book about how to stop theft. That is like your former grass cutter secretary writing a book about how to keep fit. I wanted to buy the book just to laugh at home but I thought now that you are away I should save our money and not use it to buy worthless things. 

I will end like always, to say, again, that I miss you and that you should take care of yourself. But also that we should let that Shiite man go home to mourn his children, the ones we killed. 

Ps. The weather is nice these days. I wish you were here. We would have taken long walks and all.  Do you know that I have lost weight? I went into one shop and tried the large t-shirts just for fun. You know I used to wear extra large and wallahi it fit! It fit! Now I have to maintain that weight and not drink too much fura before you return. Both of us will be slim together. I am excited. 

Yours lovingly,

Elnathan John.