HOW TO MAKE A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP WORK

Dearest Buhari, 

Since you have been gone, I have been thinking. I have no idea when you will return. I have no idea if it will be like the last time when you were away for many many weeks. But I know for sure though that this time, I am ready. 

To enable me handle this without going crazy I have been doing research about how to survive a long distance relationship. I have summarized all the knowledge I have gathered and decided to share with you. Because sharing is caring. Both of us have to make this work. I know you have handed over the running of the house to your deputy but our love remains the most important thing to me. Please read this carefully and tell me what you think.

1.  Set some ground rules to manage your expectations

So, I believe this is pretty self explanatory. Ground rules are important. Without ground rules one of us will do something to annoy the other without realizing it. These are my ground rules: a.) Eat healthy. b.) Sleep enough c.) Don't talk to other visitors (like you did with the King of Morocco the last time) before talking to me. If you can receive visitors, then you can talk to me. d.) Be honest about your health and whatever happens don't let me be the last to know. 

2.  Make communication optional, organic and unconditional.

I was shocked when I saw this. I always thought one had to talk all the time. It is always good to learn. I have resolved not to demand that you give your family a regular broadcast — this was never your style. You have always been silent, talking only to your close friends and to America. I am not judging you for it. So, whenever you want, talk to us. Tell us you still care. That you still think of us. Of me. That you are still responsible for us. For me. Directly. Not through intermediaries. We know you are ill. We will not mind if you speak to us from the hospital for just a few minutes when you can. You know, any sentence beginning with “Fellow…”. I have missed hearing that from your lips. 

3.  Talk dirty with each other

Now I know you think I mean talking dirty the way white people do in all those bad films. “Harder, baby, harder…” That is what your enemies expect from you. They always want you to do things harder. Whether it is fighting corruption or the economy, they are never contented. They want you to go harder. But I am different baby. We can take this and make it a holy kind of talking dirty. How about I keep you updated on all the dirty things your staff are doing while you are gone? Like when someone is a thief or someone is abusing power or the security guards are harassing someone. You know, that kind of dirty. Let us try it. 

4.  Have a goal in mind

What is your goal? To carry on when you return until 2022? To retire in 2019? Let us think of these things so that we can plan ahead and people don't fight over our property. It will help all of us plan. It will also help us take time to decide who we want to run things when you retire so that you can focus on leading now. 

5.  Give each other pet names

This is simple. That is why I call you Bubu. What do you want to call me? Something nice and easy that rolls off the tongue nicely. I like it when I call you Bubu. Bubu…Bubu…Bu…Ok, I’ll stop. (See? I miss you.)

6.  Clarify your status

Me I know our status. You are my partner. You are my leader. You are my darling. And I will wait for you. But you need to do the same clarification. What am I to you? Will you demonstrate this by talking to me this time? Or will I have to find out about you from people I did not choose, people who are not responsible for me, people who have not sworn to protect me so help them God. You have WhatsApp. You have FaceTime. You have Skype. You have fast London WiFi. We have no excuse not to make this work. 

7.  Always have something to look forward to together

I look forward to you returning. I look forward to you building a hospital near the house that you can go to instead of always having to fly far. I look forward to training our doctors enough so that we can trust them to treat you. I look forward to knowing where I stand with you in 2019. I look forward to having that Shiite man released and having him off my conscience especially after we have destroyed everything he has and killed most of his children and destroyed his property. I look forward to having the herdsmen around the house and the farmers not fighting with and killing each other — there is enough land for them all. I look forward to these and more. What do you look forward to my darling?

Talk soon. (Ps. I miss cooking for you.)

Yours in sickness and in health,

Elnathan John