BISI ALIMI TALKS TO ELNATHAN

In the second interview of the series, Bisi Alimi, a prolific human rights campaigner talks to Elnathan about his life and work. He started his advocacy work at the height of the HIV epidemic within the Nigerian MSM community in the late 90s. He worked as Program Director for the country’s foremost MSM organization “The Alliance Rights Nigeria.”

In 2004, Bisi became the first Nigerian to openly declare his sexuality on National Television, and that incident caused a turning point in the discussion on sex and sexuality in Nigeria. The same year he became the first openly gay man in Nigeria to address the National AIDS conference in Abuja.
 

In July this year, he was invited to the White House by President Barack Obama for his work with Black Gay men in Europe and was listed number 90 on theIndependent on Sunday’s most influential LGBT in the UK 2012.

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Elnathan John: Thank you for agreeing to talk to me Bisi.

Bisi Alimi: It’s a pleasure.

Elnathan John: In 2004, on Funmi Iyanda’s show, New Dawnyou became the first Nigerian to openly declare his sexuality on National Television. How did you get on the show?

Bisi Alimi:It was my own way of being a rebel, but more importantly of making sure that people understand there are two sides to a story. I got in touch with Funmi after [Olusegun] Obasanjo in 2004 made the comment that there are no "homosexuals" in Nigeria. I felt that I either had to keep quiet and forever hold my rage, or speak up, and start a conversation on human sexuality in Nigeria. So I got in touch with the program and told them I want to talk about the issue. But after they agreed, I got really scared and was not ready to go on. After months of talking and all I went on the show. Also I wanted it to be Funmi Iyanda I will be speaking to. I had watched New Dawn all my life, and if there was any show on Nigeria television that was ready for such conversation, it was New Dawn.

Elnathan John: Prior to this time, did your family know you were gay?

Bisi Alimi: Yes and No. They knew I had certain feelings for guys and had seen me in compromising positions with guys. They had also seen my friends. But they didn’t understand what was happening as much as I did not. Also they hardly saw me with girls. I did have girlfriends- they were just friends.

I remember my mum always saying, “Whatever you are doing that god is not happy with stop doing it.” Also I never knew what I was doing had a name; I never really knew there were people all over the world like me. To me I was just this weird and confused young man with alien feelings.

Elnathan John: Interesting. So did you first come out to your family or on the show?

Bisi Alimi: I came out to everyone I knew and who knew me the same time I came out to everyone who knew nothing about me; I first came out publicly on the show.

Elnathan John: How did your family react?

Bisi Alimi: It was crazy! Unlike other New Dawnshows, the show was not actually live. So I was watching it the same time everyone in Nigeria was watching; at same time my mum was watching it at work, my dad at home and my brother at work. My family were actually big fans of New Dawn. Just mid way into the show I got a call from my mum crying. Apparently, she had watched the show with her colleagues at work and there I was, her son on TV, saying I am gay.

My dad was also at home with his friends. It was really a bad time for me. I think it was the shock of the moment that made them get really mad at me. I was called to the family house and told off. Furthermore, they agreed that it would be best if I didn’t come to the family house anymore and that they wouldn’t have anything to do with me. It was pretty crazy time for everyone. But I look back and I wouldn’t change anything if I had to do it again.

Elnathan John: Did you worry for your safety?

Bisi Alimi: Yes, I was worried for my safety. But prior to that time, my safety had already been compromised when my university students' union published a story about me. Before that I was indicted in a case I knew nothing about. The only evidence against me was that my friend then was gay.

Elnathan John: Did you think you would get the kind of reaction you got from friends and family?

Bisi Alimi: As for the reactions, I was not really surprised by my family’s, though I was not expecting such rude shock. But it was not really surprising and to be honest, my childhood and relationship within my family had kind of prepared me for the worst in life.

What was really shocking, though, was the reaction from the gay community in Nigeria. Many accused me of seeking fame, many of my friends stopped talking to me. But in all the madness, the only person who stood by me was my best friend who is straight. He would call me and tell me he was there for me if I wanted to talk. It was really shocking but amazing at the same time.

Elnathan John: So you mentioned your childhood preparing you for the worst. Could you expatiate?

Bisi Alimi: I was not the favorite child. We were just two boys from my mum. My older brother and I. So I grew up in childhood rivalry. It was a battle I could never win. He was loved by everyone and I was not. My survival tactics was to put all my energy into my studies. I spent most of my childhood either fighting him and getting punished or just all alone. Also this experience helped me learn to stand up for myself. I reached into my inner self. The reason I don’t take shit from anyone is that I came to a conclusion in my life that the most important person to me in this world is me:If I am happy and fulfilled then I will be able to make others happy and fulfilled. I question things a lot and I am very stubborn. You can never make me do things I don’t want to do. So when I went to New Dawn, it was about me. I was not thinking of my family. When the hostility came however, I reached out to my inner self, I reached out to those painful childhood memories and I found succor in them- I found the courage to tell everyone to “fuck off”.

Elnathan John: So wasn’t your coming out publicly selfish and insensitive to your family?

Bisi Alimi: People have a right to say what they want to say. I have learnt to be responsible to myself. I am sure the same people would accuse me if after many years of lying I married a woman and had children, then got outed by the press. I don’t live a lie. I refuse to live my life for others. I came out because I needed to fight the demons inside me. I came out because I needed to give a face to the truth and challenge the lies. It doesn’t matter who did the coming out. It could have been someone else and people would have said the same thing. I really don’t care what people think. I also think I owe my family the sincerity of who I am as I owe it to many young people in Nigeria struggling with their sexuality to tell them they are not alone.

Elnathan John: How did you move to the UK?

Bisi Alimi: My coming to the UK was not deliberate. I never even thought I would ever find myself here. It was just a matter of fate. In 2006, I was introduced to an organisation here in the UK through a very good friend of mine. It was an HIV organisation. After few months of exchanging emails, I was invited to the UK to attend the CHAPS conference. (That’s UK gay men conference). It was really liberating for me to be with all these gay people from all over the world. I could not hide my excitement. As part of my trip I was invited as the guest of BBC on "BBC Network Africa". I will say that I used the platform to raise the issues of HIV, continuous criminalisation of same sex behavior and relationships and lack of sexual health programs for men who have sex with men.

Well with that I got under the skin of Baba Iyabo* and his cohorts in Abuja. On arrival I was arrested and detained at the airport. After a few hours I was allowed to go and then got picked up again few days later. Between March and April when I left, my life was hell. But the catalyst for my leaving was on the 9th of April 2007 when my house was broken into. I was tied up with my then boyfriend, beaten and almost killed. All my things were taken including my passport. I escaped and as fate will have it, they could not move with all the things they had taken as I raised alarm before they could go too far.


It’s important that I state here that after the coming out drama in 2004, my family really struggled. Mostly my mum, and though she wouldn’t forgive what I did and who I claimed I was, she still reached out to me. It was through her help and that of my older brother that I was able to raise money and I had to run away. That was the only option I had left if I still wanted to remain alive.




Elnathan John: You have struggled with depression. Tell me about it.

Bisi Alimi: Ummm…I hardly talk about it. There any many things in my life I don’t talk about. It took me over 7 years to be able to start talking about my HIV status. I feel so very afraid wanting to talk about my depression because in Nigeria depression equates to "madness" and/or being possessed and i know I am not this.

Throughout my childhood I spent most of my time either alone or fighting my big brother. Growing up I had to struggle with being different. It was even harder than having to fight my brother or for our parents’ attention. Throughout secondary school and university I constantly put myself under pressure to be better than I was the night before. This was driving me to the edge.

After coming out, getting a job and a life was really hard. I could not get a job as everyone has seen my face on TV. It was really hard. I had no money. I was practically living off friends. To pay my rent was really hard. All the while there was no support. Though I have not been diagnosed, I won’t be surprised if I am bipolar. There are days in my life I just get over excited about things, happy and out there and there are days I spend all my times at home, blinds closed and I just cry.

When I came to UK, I met a great guy who gave me a chance to love and be loved and just 7 months into the relationship he died. At that point I knew I could not deal with it anymore. I started self harm, over dosing and attempting suicide. I remembered the day after his burial waking up in a mental home all tied up. It was really scary. I was losing my mind and though I know this is not me, I know that I have become the result of other peoples hate and discrimination, I could not help myself. It was really hard. However, through all this period, I refused to take anti-depressants. I refused counseling at some point- I knew that the only person who can help me is me.

I still have my days, I still feel on the edge but I am better off. I feel that we can start a conversation around mental health in Nigeria. I wish I can let people in Nigeria know that people that have mental health issues need support. Many times it’s all about someone saying it’s going to be okay, someone saying‘I have traveled that road before’. I am happy now that I have good friends and I will say I am one lucky person with over 7 mentors. My boyfriend is also an angel. I wonder what my life would have been without him and all my mentors.

Elnathan John: What would you say is the greatest challenge to a gay person?

Bisi Alimi: There are many of them and to be honest they are all great. Everyone wants and longs for love, from family most importantly and from people whom you love. If the issue of love is resolved, I know others will fit in well as seen in Western countries. There are also the issues of health. Mental health links seriously with sexual health and rights. All these issues are really interconnected. I have seen in the lives of my friends who are loved by their families, they are happier and more fulfilled. They have good control of all areas of their lives. Even the meanest person in the world will change in the face of love. Love does not speak the language of ‘understand’ or ‘tolerate’. Love speaks the language of compassion and inclusion. Hate is the only thing that is selfish and self-centered. It is very destructive.

Elnathan John: Some people say, we don't hate gay people, we just want them to stay out of our faces and business- we don't want to know what they are doing.

Bisi Alimi: Haha... I have heard that many times. And the question is who really is getting into other people's business? The moment we are so concerned to think for others, choose the way other people should live their lives, what is right and what is wrong, then we are putting ourselves in the position of authority. In that case the other person being oppressed will react. It depends on what people mean by "in our face” or “our business”. Straight people kiss and hold hands all the time - that is purely in my face. They tell me who I should have sex with, when I should have sex and how I should have sex - that’s being in my business. They dictate how I should love, who I should love, how I should dress, which god to serve. But the moment you refuse to be told how to do your business, people scream you are putting things in their faces. It’s just pure hypocrisy.

Elnathan John: What do you think about having children?

Bisi Alimi: I really want to have children. I am so looking forward to it and my boyfriend and I are working towards that for now. We are not ready to live together yet and I am so occupied with work. I travel a lot with my work and my boyfriend is also very busy. We think it is not fair to have children when we can’t give him/her 100% of our time. So I am sure with time and good financial base, we will have our children. We are hoping for two as my boyfriend is against having just one child. So we shall see and when it happens I will let you know.

Elnathan John: What do you say to those who say, because you are gay, you have given up the right to have children, or that kids shouldn't be exposed to homosexuality?

Bisi Alimi: The argument that gay people should not have children comes from the myth that gay people are paedophiles. This bogus claim is false and it has been proved as such. It is an argument used by people who cannot take their brain on an intellectual journey. Also there is the belief that if gay people have children they will make their children gay. Hello, I was raised by straight parents and I am gay! Is that not enough proof that these are lame excuses?

Children are constantly exposed to domestic violence, to anger and parents fighting. Children are regularly molested in our society by the so called accepted straight couples. The point people should is know is that L[esbian] G[ay] B[isexual] T[ranssexual] people are human beings and that means we will have the good, the bad and the ugly just as much as we have in straight people. And the whole notion that being gay makes you more of a devil is nothing but religious propaganda.
The status quo knows that the moment you use the "children" agenda people will get on board, but it is ok as long as it is not the child abuse they do like; child marriage, child labour and child poverty and refusing to educate girl children in 2012.
I am happy to be living in a country where adoption is open to all irrespective of marital status, gender or sexual orientation. There is more proof coming from the West that LGBT people make better parents. I just wish Nigeria and African can stop being the laughing object of other people and wake up to 21st century.

Elnathan John: What do you think of the anti same -sex marriage bill?

Bisi Alimi: It’s a shame we have this bill in Nigeria. What really pains me is that many Nigerian people do not know that this bill has become political machinery for the political class to play on the innocence of the people. Why is it that the bill always comes up during elections? Also I have realised that many Nigerians do not know what really the bill says and what it means. The bill will take Nigeria to the situation we had in Nazi Germany. The bill states that, if you know someone who is gay and you do not report to the State, you will be jailed as well. It doesn’t matter if that person is your sister/brother, son/daughter, or uncle/aunt.
This is a very dangerous thing. I wish that the Nigerian people could stand up and speak against this bill. It is a collaboration between the state and religion to keep Nigeria in total darkness.
I love Nigeria so much and I hope that as the most populous black nation in the world, she will take her place and lead on the issue of equal opportunity that will focus on protecting the rights of vulnerable groups including women, girl children, the physically challenged and Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender people.
Many a time, I worry for young people in Nigeria who are struggling with their sexuality and constantly being bullied at school, punished and shouted at at home by their parents and told every Sunday by the pastors or on Friday by the imam that they will end up in hell.
Those young people just want someone to tell them they are not alone and that there is nothing wrong with them. I want to see a Nigeria where preservation of fundamental human rights is the principle of our humanity. Where the state is separate from religion and where there is faith in governance. I am sure it is not too much to ask.

Elnathan John: Do you miss home?

Bisi Alimi: Yes I really do miss Nigeria. I even miss Mushin more. I remember my childhood experience growing up in Mushin- those were the days. Since I left Nigeria I have had great opportunities in life to go to places I would never have thought of. I have met people I would never have thought I would meet.

Bisi and Elio di Rupo (current Prime Minister of Belgium)

In July I was invited to the White House to meet President Obama. In 2010, I had the chance to meet the man that became Belgian Prime Minster. I have met some powerful men and women in the world.
In the midst of all these experiences, I missed home so much. I missed the rough fast lane of Mushin and Lagos. Can you imagine, for almost 6 years I have not been on Okada?

Elnathan John: So, what are you up to these days?

Bisi Alimi: I run a small consultancy firm in London. After over 10 years working in the field of sexual and reproductive health and rights, I can stop working for someone take a lead in research, policy and lobbying as well.

As for advocacy, I am putting my energy into raising awareness about the increasing intolerance towards LGBT people in Africa. If and when I have the opportunities, I discuss this with world leaders and also with African leaders themselves. I also use my advocacy work to promote the sexual and reproductive health and right of Black gay men in Europe. This is something I am very passionate about. Importantly in the areas of HIV and cancer.
And when I am not doing this, I am either at home playing Mario Kart on my Wii, watching Family Guy, playing Angry Birds on my iPad or just relaxing with a bottle of wine with my boyfriend having a nice evening. He mostly serves as my neutralizer. After all the travelling and stress of it, you just want to come back home into the arms of someone that truly loves you. His arms are my safe place in the world.

Elnathan John: Thank you for talking with me Bisi.

Bisi Alimi: You’re welcome

*Olusegun Obasanjo

HOW TO LEAVE THE STAGE

It is easy to get carried away especially when there is applause; easy to get comfortable and never want to leave. In fact the echoes of applause that have since stopped can continue in one’s head so that you are not able to tell whether people love or are just tolerating you. Mugabe would advise otherwise, but I seek the face of Mandela in this matter.

I have offended a few people while writing the “How To” series. Yesterday, a pretty rosy-cheeked French expatriate struggled to tell me in imperfect but sweet English how one of the articles, “How to be an expatriate” ‘hurt’ her. And I, with carefully enunciated words, explained that this was only satire and that although it left a bitter taste on her pink lips, I meant to describe only a certain type of expatriate.

For all my friends foreign and local who have felt offended by this series, I beg that they should not allow common articles interfere with our glorious hustle. I am young. And many times foolish. Forgive me.

Some of the articles have resonated with a lot of people, like “How to worship the Nigerian god”. Thousands of people read and shared that article and I received many lovely messages of appreciation (and a few condemning me to the hottest parts of hell). I will say that it was this article that God used to bless the hustle of the series, drawing readers from around the world, spreading this gospel from Austria to South Africa.

At some points, some people tried to truncate my hustle. When I wrote “How to be angry”, I got a curious passive-aggressive call at night from someone who claimed to be calling from the Government House of Kaduna State. The fellow called to “set the record straight”. That same week a writer had been kidnapped in Abuja. Understandably, I panicked and alerted a lot of my journalist friends. I didn’t sleep at home that night. God will judge that man appropriately.

I thank all those who syndicated the series or even just put it up on blogs (and acknowledged the source). I thank especially Daily Times Nigeria and Cheta Nwanze with whom this hustle started. I thank Y!Naija and Chude Jideonwo who always said yes to me when I needed a favor. I thank my dear friend Carmen McCain who saved my readers from embarrassing mistakes, for always being there when I needed a second eye; for always being there. Many thanks to Mirella Mahlstein Ajibade, for giving me some of the great ideas that produced some of the most popular articles; for being my bouncing board (and sometimes lab rat). Malinda Seneviratne, the kind Sri Lankan editor of The Nation who took an interest in my work and showed my articles to Sri Lanka: God bless your Sri Lankan hustle.

A few people have flattered me by acknowledging me in their own original “How to” articles. Joke Ajibola even mentioned my name in the title of her brilliant “How to be a witness to injustice”. She didn’t have to, but it was nice. God will bless her hustle.

I hope that many more people will write satire whether following the “How to” style or otherwise. The stage is big enough for everyone.

After over 40 “How to” articles and so much love, I must leave. The evil spirit of Mugabe at this time reminds me of the many I have not done, “How to be a police officer”, “How to be a doctor”, “How to be a mother-in-law”… it beckons me to stay and keep at it. I say, “Get behind me Mugabe!”

Hopefully, the entire series will be made into a little book and you can all go buy it and further bless my hustle.

This is how to leave the stage. When you are still loved, sometime before you are chased off with boos and bags of pure water. To the thousands of people who have made this possible: may God meet you at the point of your needs and immensely bless your hustle!

 

 

ELNATHAN INTERVIEWS 2012 NLNG NIGERIAN PRIZE FOR LITERATURE WINNER CHIKA UNIGWE

 

Chika Unigwe’s novel, On Black Sisters Street, was on Thursday November 1, announced as winner of the $100,000 Nigeria Prize for Literature, the biggest prize for literature in Africa. She gave me her very first interview as winner of the prize.

 

So Chika, where were you when you heard the news?

I came in from Mass and went straight to my PC. I saw messages of congratulations, and I broke down in tears

What were your expectations, first entering the competition? It is your first time, no?

Yes. I had no expectations. Nigeria has an incredible amount of talent, so I sent it in and tried to forget about it.

Did you have any success forgetting?

Well, a certain person did not let me forget, especially after it made it to the shortlist of 10

Hahaha! Tell me the story of “On Black Sisters Street”. How was it born; what drew you to the story? Did you look for it, or did it come to you?

 

I saw it. I come from a very catholic, very conservative home. We couldn't use certain words at home: sex, swear words. If I sang “Let's talk about sex baby” by Salt-n-Pepa,  I'd have to substitute 'sex' with 'bread'. So to come form that sort of background to Belgium where sex workers stand behind display windows to solicit customers was an immense cultural shock.

When I was told that many of the black prostitutes in Belgium were Nigerian, I was very curious. So in a way the story came to me.

 

And the character Ama, very early in the book screams: "Where is my fucking mascara!" Has any of your parents read the book?

 

Yes, they both have. I don't swear and find it very difficult to read extracts with the swearing in public. Ama was the character who tasked me the most she mocked me and dared me to write her truthfully it's very irritating when one's own character taunts one so I had to leave the private 'me' behind and become the writer who had nothing to do with me to write her.

It's amazing how much our parents are not at all as bad as we think they are. My mother's only concern when she saw the Vintage edition cover was that I wasn't the lady on the cover.

 

Would you ever model for any of your book covers?

 

No!

 

Not even if I said you would look great?

 

No, not even then.

 

LOL.

What would you say to the argument that, instead of writing stories that have become clichés - negative stories about Africans: poverty, privation, prostitution- we should write more positive stories?

 

I don't believe in prescriptive writing. Writers write out of a passion, not just for writing, but for a story that haunts them. Sometimes the stories that haunt you the most are the sad ones. On Black Sisters Street has a lot of light in it as well. The only thing I think a writer owes readers is the truth, not factual truth, but emotional truth. Write so that your characters live in your readers' head; write so that your readers are delighted –not necessarily by the actions of your characters, but by your prose.

 

One finds that, because of your usage or your characters’ usage of a lot of “Nigerian English” and slang, there is quite a bit of italicisation in OBSS. What do you think about italicisation of words with common local usage, like “jollof rice”?

 

It has never bothered me.  I think it has its uses and editors tend to favour it when words that are not part of the dominant lexicon of the work pop up. English words are italicised in Dutch novels, for example.

So back to the prize. What next from here?

Life goes on. I am working on the draft of a new novel, so once I get down from cloud 9, I will get back to work.

Do you have any plans to make your books available in Nigeria through a Nigerian publisher?

I am in talks with one. I have no control over the publishing.  A Nigerian publisher has to show interest. I would love to have my books available in Nigeria.

Tell me a bit about the "private you" you had to leave behind to write the spicy character Ama. Something I can't google. Apart from your long dreadlocks and love for shoes.

 

LOL.

Let me see: I love condensed milk. I buy it here in a tube and eat it straight from the tube. I love walking into puddles.

The private me I had to leave behind, which also underwent a change, was one with a lot of preconceived notions, somewhat judgmental and who saw the world in black and white.

 

One thing you have always wanted as a writer?

 

Lots. I am greedy.

 

I really wanted this award, this NLNG award and I am very happy I got it.

 

Three Nigerian writers who have impacted you the most?

 

[Chinua] Achebe, for starting it all. [Flora] Nwapa for showing me that I could be a woman and a writer. [Buchi] Emecheta for teaching me resilience. I discovered all three at various stages of my life.

 

 

CHIKA AND ELNATHAN BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL WORKSHOP. 2011

And finally Chika, a question I have been itching to ask since this interview began: What would you prefer as a gift: A bag, a shoe or a dress.

 

Kai! That's a difficult question, the most difficult certainly. LOL.

 

See why I left it until the last?

 

Shoes

 

Thank you Chika for talking with me!

 

You’re welcome.

 

How to Survive a Road Accident in Nigeria (as happened on September 15, 2012)

The road home is clear. These twenty kilometres are so familiar it is easy to go into auto-pilot and drift into thoughts only my head can manage. I have had a long day- work, a reading, and dinner with a dear friend.

There is a lot on my mind. On the road I drive through the bends and turns that lead me to the wide Umar Musa Yar'Adua express way. In my head I take the bends and turns that lead me through the maze that is my mind. To painful decisions I must take, long overdue. To thoughts of all the things I planned to do before I turned thirty. To the fact that I turn thirty tomorrow and have done none of them. I try to find my way back to the beginning of things; to discover how I got here, this lonely cold place I cannot recognize.

I am tired. I shake myself awake. My body fights back- it demands rest and it demands it now. Five more minutes, I tell myself, five more minutes until I get home. I reach the express. Some parts are lit, some parts are not. I drift again and in one second it all happens. I run into a curb at one of the points where the road bends suddenly. Instinctively I step on the brakes. It is too late. I lose control of Sylvanus, my old tired car and we are screeching at a 45 degree angle. I hit something else and my head slams into the steering wheel. My head spins and suddenly everything is upside down- my body, Sylvanus and my thoughts. Sylvanus comes to a halt by the side of the road. Upside down, I feel the blood filling up my mouth.

It is fear that actuates my body, makes me ignore the pain and crawl out through the shattered glass. Fear that a fire might break out and I might get trapped in a burning vehicle. I drag myself to the side of the road, my white caftan soaked in blood. I feel open flesh hanging in my mouth. It is 2am. I am cold. Alone. In pain.

Writers who try to describe blood must not have bled like this. Real blood pouring from ones body does not smell metallic. It smells like fear. Like death.

The first car that stops is a green taxi. I am lying on the gravel with my right hand up in the air, calling for help. The taxi reverses, stops and suddenly drives off. I think of crawling back to the car to see if I can find my phone. I am too scared of a fire and too weak. Slowly as I slip in and out of consciousness cars begin to stop and voices begin to multiply.

“Do you know anybody’s number?’  someone asks, from a distance almost as if he is afraid to come close. I shake my head. He is shouting. Everyone seems to be shouting.

“My phone,” I manage to say, “in the car. My phone.”

I am afraid the phone might have flown out of the car during the crash. Someone finds it.

“Your wife, what is her number?” A man assumes I am married. I shake my head. Suggestions fly over my head. My father’s voice, on discovering I was not quite acting like a virgin, plays in my head: “I was not up to your age when I got married.”

“His brother.”

“His family”

A police van stops. They do not come close. They make radio calls that have nothing to do with an ambulance or first aid. I know at this point I must do something or bleed out in front of passers-by arguing about what to do.

“Call Achile,” I say to the man holding my phone, spitting out a glob of blood. I try to get up. They all scream at me to lie back down. They try Achile. He is asleep. They try Al-kasim. He is asleep.

Suddenly I feel like this is it: I am going to die out here alone. My parents are nearly 200kilometers away and the only other relatives who are in this town, are strangers to me.

“Garki hospital!” I call out as the police and others argue. “I have a card in Garki hospital”

Nobody is listening to me and I am fighting to retain consciousness.

After a few minutes, a man who I later will learn is Group Captain Onyike, orders the policemen to stop what they are doing and take me to the Air force Base where he lives and where there is a hospital. I am put at the back of the police van like a ram that has been knocked down by a car. I am handed my phone and they drive off.

I am afraid that I will lose consciousness completely and nobody will know where I am. I manage to send messages to a few people and tweet with the only information I know. That I am at the back of a police truck headed for the Air force hospital near the airport. I pass out.

Group Captain Onyike makes sure I get treatment. I come to and the doctor is able to get a friend, Salisu on the phone.

In the morning, the worst has passed. I am stable. Kasim, Musa and Achile are around and are taking care of things. I open my eyes and I see the dear friend with whom I had dinner last night. I am not sure how she knew or who called her. As much as I did not want her to see me like this, I am grateful that she is here. And I cannot stop my tears from rolling. But for the quick thinking of an air force officer, she might have been the one to tell stories of my last words, my last thoughts, my last feelings.

This is how to survive a road accident in Nigeria: Pray. Pray that someone with quick thinking and hospital contacts runs into you. Do not expect the police to know what to do. Do not expect emergency services. Just pray.

HOW TO WRITE A NIGERIAN CLASSIC

(The Gospel According to Prophet Sule as penned down by his dubious self-appointed scribe Elnathan)

You are a critic. A fiery academic. Nobody is spared from your acerbic tongue. Usually people will shy away from saying unflattering things about masters like Soyinka and Achebe because they have earned a place is history and all but no, not you. Achebe is overrated. You nod your head while you say this- a confident almost defiant nod.

You are upset about Nigerian literature. This is the real reason you are so bitter and so merciless when you critique works by Nigerians. So you take the bull by the horn and you decide to write your own books. You are not doing badly- as a Nigerian academic, students must purchase your books. The competition you entered for the last time did not even as much as shortlist your book. And you see the winners- none of them would pass a course if they were your students. But this is not why you will declare that no book that has won the biggest Nigerian literature prize has become a classic. It is not why you think giving so much money to one undeserving writer is bad. You do it because deep down you love Nigerian literature.

If you don’t do something fast, something terrible will happen. Nigeria may disintegrate in 2015 without a modern classic. This is serious enough to make you return to your vomit. To make you lie between the legs of the woman you called a slut only 5minutes ago, drooling. It is all for Nigerian literature. You will enter the prize and win. And everything you have been trying to teach lazy unskillful Nigerian writers will be learnt through your book. It will be celebrated even 50 years after, and if at that time any upstart rises to call you overrated, God will judge them mercilessly. This is how you write a classic: start out intending to write one. Amen.

Beyond Boko Haram: Towards a more Peaceful North

The heat of the Sunday sun is sweltering. I have wound down all four of my glasses but I feel trapped in this boiling box that is my car. I am driving slowly between Makera and Kakuri in Kaduna looking for a cybercafé to send an email to a friend. As I move from the point where Makera becomes Kakuri, I can literally see the street change from shirts trousers and skirts to caftans and hijabs. I know that this is the case in much of Kaduna, but to see the difference in so short a distance is disconcerting.

I was born in the capital of the North. The state that once represented everything positive: developed, cosmopolitan, progressive. Today, having returned to live in Kaduna after a few years away, I have become a witness to the shameful dying spectacle that the North has become.

In some sort of self-inflicted religious apartheid, our cities, notably Jos and Kaduna- once quiet and integrated- are now religiously-exclusive, passive-aggressive (sometimes openly aggressive), mutually-suspicious contiguous communities. True some might argue that this quiet separation that has created Muslim and Christian communities has its positive effects, but it is not without obvious dangers. Sadly because of the increasingly widespread attacks of Boko Haram, no one is talking about the issues germane to the North, pre-Boko Haram. In fact some have cynically implied that the Boko Haram attacks (that affect everyone) have reduced the perennial Muslim-Christian crises. We must however look at the problems we have, beyond Boko Haram.

What separation has caused is a heightened otherness- convenient for trading blame and the spread of dangerous rumours and propaganda. One of the things I am grateful for is that I grew up not in a homogenous community but with Christian, Muslim, Hausa, Yoruba, Nupe, Igbo, Ibibio, Edo, Ebira, Urhobo, Tiv, Idoma, Igala and Fulani neighbours (in addition to the large numbers of people from the indigenous tribes of Kaduna). I did not grow up wondering if Muslims were good or bad people, if Southerners were good or bad people, because they were all around me and I did not suffer from the suspicion that is the product of ignorance. As a result it is hard  for me to contribute or even listen to talk about how Muslims or Southerners are ‘our’ problem. The violence that has forced people to live separately is capable of creating even more deeply rooted violence. Children in Kaduna and Jos now grow up in exclusively Christian or Muslim communities where it is easy to speak disparagingly
of people of another religion or culture; where it  is easy to blame them for the problems that is common to everyone; where the only debate is ‘Us vs Them’.

The violence which living separately is quietly breeding is further worsened by the irresponsibility of leaders from the North. Leaders who have benefitted from the perpetration of poverty and dependence and the divisions that have prevented Northern Nigerians from demanding good and responsible governance from their leaders.

The problem with poverty, which in my opinion is more acute in the North than in the South, is that it looks for enemies to blame and lash out at. That is why poorer communities generally have higher crime rates, more domestic abuse, more rape, more senseless rumours that lead to violence. There can be no quick fixes to decades-old problems and because change can be painful and demanding, the few but immensely powerful persons whose power derives from this current unacceptable situation, will fight any move to fix the North and liberate its people mentally and economically.

We must expect this while we chart a course for the reduction of poverty and the empowerment of women and young people in our communities.

What we must begin to do is to invest in the North and insist that those who seek our support for votes equally invest in the North. When we have industries, and businesses- real investment as opposed to the embarrassing poverty eradication schemes which governors in the North now bandy about like Keke Napep and motorcycles- then there is a possibility that people will be able to empower themselves and have a stake in developed, stable North, so much that they will be  able to fight from within the forces militating against peace and stability.

While the current situation of separate religious communities is unfortunate, there is no quick fix for that either. The mistrust and mutual suspicion is deep and can only change over time and years of education and re education. We can achieve this if we start now teaching the next generation that the other is not the enemy. That  the enemy is poverty and bad, wicked leadership.  That we cannot all be Muslim or Christian. That no one is evil simply because of his/her religion. That every human being deserves to be treated justly and with dignity. That violence and oppression only begets more violence and oppression. That respect begets respect. That the construct of superiority of tribe and/or religion is only useful to those who seek to perpetuate themselves in power to the detriment of ordinary people.

I believe that real economic empowerment and re-education will make our cities have more tolerant, more cosmopolitan and more secure communities. The fact is that we are weaker, easier to exploit and attack, when we are hungry and dependent. In the end we have more in common than divide us, more common enemies to fight than differences.

We must as individual Northerners must look inward. Agriculture must be supported, not on small subsistence scale but on a scale that is capable to empowering poor farmers, their families and employees. Northern politicians and self-styled philanthropists should be judged based on how much concrete, sustainable development they have brought to the North. We must begin the critique from within.

I want to be able to drive through the Muslim Tudun Wada and Rigasa in Kaduna and not feel afraid. I want to be able to invite my Muslim friend who lives in Badiko to the non-Muslim Sabo where I live and not be scared that if a crisis breaks out, I alone may not be able to save him. Today I cannot. Tomorrow can be better.

 I think it is time that social movements for change are led by serious professionals who are able to think critically and apply pragmatic, tangible solutions to solve our real problems. Top on the list of those problems are poverty and inequity. Without equity and economic empowerment for all groups in the North- whether they be poor farmers in Borno, religious or ethnic ‘minorities’ in Kaduna or ‘settled’ Fulani in Plateau- the bitter, dangerous feeling of intra-regional marginalization will fester and lead to more crises.
Much will depend on the sincerity and courage of those who will tread the path of change that has littered with empty words and impotent schemes. I think, it is possible.

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HOW TO PARTICIPATE IN THE OLYMPICS

Being in the Olympics is a thing of joy. After all, countries like Madagascar and the Vatican City did not even make it there. So, we thank God. We thank God even though we participated in just eight of the 26 sports.

This is how to participate in a great event like the Olympics.

There really is no need to do all the long term, back-breaking work that countries like the US and China do. Especially China. Those mean guys get their athletes and start drilling them from the time they are two-years-old until they become Olympic-medal-winning machines. That is evil and unfair to children who should enjoy their childhood. Our Child Rights Act forbids that kind of thing. God will look into the matter of the Chinese. We must never be like them. Or like the Americans who have sport programmes in schools across their country -- students are supposed to be reading and doing serious things. It is important to preserve our Universities and secondary schools as places of learning, and not encourage young people to excel in sports. We do not need to spend any money on sports.

As we have shown by example, the best time to start preparations for the Olympics is a few months before it begins. Find a good number of the team from athletes and professional sportsmen and women outside the country who have Nigerian names or at least one Nigerian parent. They need to come to the rescue of their nation. We know they will come. Yes, some will betray us and play for countries like Great Britain, USA, France, even the tiny Island of Fiji (God will judge those ones and truncate their hustle), but the majority will come. With all the financial, social and political crises in our country, we do not have the luxury of spending years developing local talent. Find Nigerian professionals wherever they are. In a cool game like basketball for example, why send a local basketball player from Ogbomosho (who will need to have his English translated on international television) when there are all those Nigerian-Americans with nice accents that we can use? Why?

For those who are already too old, especially for the football team, reduce their ages by half. By the next Olympics, the footballer who was 23 this year will already be too old to even kick a ball, but that is not what matters. What matters is that we find a team today for this Olympics.

As you quickly put a team together for the Olympics, you must, as Sports Minister, publicly express confidence that members of Team Nigeria will win medals. Call our hurried preparations impressive. Because it IS impressive. If anyone questions your miracle of rigging an Olympic team in such a short time, God will look into their matter and judge them appropriately.

Delay the release of funds allocated for the team. Make sure they get the money as late as possible because they really do not need the money to prepare. We all know how money spoils things in Nigeria.

As you prepare to travel, do the most important thing: urge Nigerians to pray for the success of Team Nigeria. Because, among 167 million praying Nigerians, there must be at least one righteous person whose prayers will soften the heart of the Nigerian god and make us win medals.

When you realise that no one is winning medals, quickly declare that your best achievement has been that, unlike in the past, nobody is quarrelling and nobody is fighting with anybody. Nigerians all deserve medals because the Sports Ministry is not fighting with the Nigerian Sports Commission or the Nigerian Olympic Committee. For this, we must give God all the glory.

As a member of Team Nigeria, you must not let anything stop you from having fun in London. Not even sadness due to your woeful performance. Indiscipline might sound like a bad word but, trust me, in Nigeria it has its uses. In this context, I can identify at least two uses. First, it enables you to do things like skip camp and go shopping and sightseeing -- who knows when next you will return to London? Second, it gives the Minister a perfect excuse for a terrible outing -- he can blame everything on your indiscipline. Indiscipline makes everybody happy. But please, whatever you do, don’t get lost in London like those Cameroonians. It is so clichéd, and the Nigerian god really finds it irritating that after blessing your sweat-free hustle with juicy estacodes you would go hide like a rat in a crowded city like London. For tips on how to get to London through other less-objectionable means like applying for asylum, see my article, How To Get Asylum.

Most important of all, learn nothing from the experience when you return. It is too early to start planning for the next Olympics, plus you will be really exhausted from all the shopping and distributing things your Nigerian friends gave you money to buy for them from London. You need rest. If anyone insults you for a shameful outing in London, God will handle their matter.

We wish you a safe return. May you be cured of any injuries you may have sustained at the Olympics, or those you will sustain while unpacking. And may God bless your hustle.

INTERVIEW WITH CHIOMA CHUKA

So, I got a tweet from a friend, Chioma Chuka, New Media specialist, content producer, blogger and owner of the © Fairy GodSister and The Chronicles of The Fairy GodSister, saying she wanted an interview. She had interviewed me more than a year before after the post election crises in the North of Nigeria in April 2011. You can read it here.
You can find the second interview here.

Reading both interviews now, I realise why I like them so much. Chioma. No one makes me talk like she does. The question find the answers in my head. The kind of answers that doesn't make it embarrasing to re-read one's thoughts. It must be a gift. 

HOW TO SOLVE PROBLEMS IN NIGERIA

Nigeria is a great country with great hustling people. With every hustle comes challenges that must be surmounted. We have perfected the art of keeping our decaying house erect, albeit with the occasional smoke and stench coming out the windows. We are problem solvers. This article is a general guide for new Nigerians, foreigners who have just moved in to Nigeria, Nigerians who have just moved back from foreign lands, and idealistic Nigerians who live abroad.

Ask God for help. Now, it doesn’t matter if you are religious or if you have one of those new religions not recognised by our law. We have one general god -- the Nigerian god -- to whom all solutions are outsourced. Ask for his help in choosing leaders; in changing leaders; in wanting PHCN to provide electricity for that match because your generator is bad; in wanting fuel tanker drivers not to go on strike; in wanting roads; in wanting bombs to stop; in wanting corruption to stop; and in wanting to keep our country one. This is the first necessary, sometimes most important, step.

Create a committee. Ministries, Departments and Agencies of government are of no use in solving problems. Once a specific problem has been identified -- for example, the presence of too many people selling boiled maize and groundnuts on the streets -- create a specific committee to tackle this issue. In the case of this example, the committee would have two sub committees, one for boiled maize, and the other for boiled groundnuts. Then when that committee is done, create a committee to implement the report of the first committee.

Create multiple solutions. So, if as a government official you have a problem with your public image, in spite of having a department of Media and Publicity, create a new department to handle the problem. Call it Public Image Affairs department or something like that. The more agencies attack a problem, the better. Never try to fix the inefficiency of an agency of public institution. Always create a new body. So, if the crime division of the Nigerian Police Force is inefficient, understaffed, underfunded, unskilled, and corrupt, do not fund, train or discipline them. Create a fresh body, like the ICPC or EFCC. There is nothing like fresh ideas in trying to solve a problem.

When you have a big problem like terrorism, especially when our dear President confirms that some of the terrorists are in the Police, you must look for solutions outside our diligent Police Force. Think of something smart. Like one brand new Police Force for each financially dependent state. No, we will not scrap the Federal one. They will exist side by side. Think of how many people’s hustles will be blessed when you embark on this project. New uniforms, new jobs, new cars with sirens, new guns. A new militia for every governor blessed with constitutional immunity. I mean, governors won’t need to have side armies and gangs funded in the dark anymore. Think of it this way; when indigenes fill up the new State Police, terrorism, bombing, corruption, and kidnapping will vanish. Don’t ask what will happen when indigenes and non-indigenes fight and the State Police is called to keep the peace. God will not let that happen. Never mind that there are wicked people who will come up with arguments like states already having problems paying civil servants, and governors already having state legislators in their pockets. In fact, I overheard some evil guy suggest that some governors might fill up their state police with people from their tribe or religion, thereby creating complications and mistrust in cases of communal, religious or ethnic clashes. God will judge that guy. He doesn’t understand that to solve the problem of an inefficient Police Force, you need 36 others. He doesn’t understand the power of numbers.

When a problem won’t go away or is too big, divert it or postpone it. This reduces the pressure of the problem. So, for example, if you have a problem of poverty, which results in slums and shanty towns, instead of wasting time and energy on things like resettlement, development, low-cost housing or creating jobs, do something effective, like demolition. Clear out the slums and let the poor people who want to give our country a bad name find somewhere else to call a slum. Demolition is also very effective if your predecessors in government have turned a blind eye and allowed people to build in unapproved areas. Demolition covers a multitude of sins.

When there are problems and you are in government, you must never allow anything to stop you from travelling out of the country. Travelling is very important because it gives you time to breathe, shop, and learn from other countries.

But if you really want to solve problems effectively in Nigeria, you have to outsource them. There are things that the Nigerian god prefers not to handle. Not that he cannot handle them, but you see, he is clean and doesn’t like to dance in murky waters. For example, if you need to convict or arrest powerful people who have brazenly committed crimes, outsource it to a nice foreign country. I mean, the British used us as a colony to get resources, why can’t we use them to get justice? Tit for tat. Anyone who doesn’t like it should go choke on cassava bread. All good people know that justice for Nigerians is Nigerian justice, whether made in London or Johannesburg.

God bless your hustle and make it problem-free.