Friday, May 4, 2012

HOW TO GET ASYLUM


Nigeria is hard, hard place to live. This is not subject to debate. Everything has broken down. Roads, hospitals, schools, electricity, industries, security, water supply. Some people are born rugged. They can stay here and try to rough it out. But not you. You refuse to hustle, marry and raise kids here in the same cycle of hopelessness. 

You are not looking for a Visa so that when you get there, you disappear. That is too much stress. Plus if you are a writer or artist, it will become impossible to continue your career in public. Who wants that- running from oyibo police all your life? It is important for you that everything is legally done. You need to apply for asylum. 

Now I know that you do not fit into any of the popular categories. Don’t worry. My job is to help coach you until you fit into one of the asylum categories for the US or UK. 

CATEGORY ONE: PERSECUTION BECAUSE OF RACE

This one is hard because essentially we are one race in Nigeria. We are not like South Africa where they are 12 different colours. Don’t go and mess up the application by ticking this one. In law foolishness is not an excuse.

CATEGORY TWO: PERSECUTION BECAUSE OF GENDER IDENTITY 

This one is easy especially if you are an effeminate man (or can act like it). But if you are a big muscular man complete with a healthy male organ, it is likely that the US Embassy people will look at you and say this one na 419. Get a Naija doctor in the US to write a report saying you are transgender or something like that. A woman trapped in a man’s body. Because of it, they want to kill you in Nigeria. You will add that you have suffered untold emotional turmoil because of this. Your family has abandoned you and if they let you go back, someone will shoot you or stab you with a poisoned knife outside your home.  You have even got death threats by email where they called you many bad names. We can arrange the emails.  Cry plenty snotty tears at the interview.  

Related to this is persecution because of sexual orientation. Say that you have liked boys since you were a little boy. To prepare the background for this (you know how these oyibo people like background checks) try to mingle with the gay community before then.  If there are any events or rallies for gay people, attend and be in the line of fire of the camera men. Appearing in a magazine photo with a placard that reads, ‘Gays are Human Too’ is sure to score you points with the US or UK embassy. Get a fake partner who can help in this whole thing. Someone reliable. Let the gay community be able to identify you as one of them. Then attend your asylum interview with your gay partner. Get a letter from the leaders of the gay community (who would have previously met you). Before long you will be holding the asylum papers in your hand. 

CATEGORY THREE: PERSECUTION BECAUSE OF RELIGION

Boko Haram is going to make this one very popular. The way they are going, bombing with reckless abandon and threatening people, all you need is for your name to fall into one of their lists. How? Easy! Write plenty articles directly insulting them in national dailies. Call them enemies of the state. Say that they should be hunted down and stamped out. Those guys read newspapers, believe me. They will see it. They will underline your name and google you. In a Youtube video they will call your name and say that if they catch you, you are finished. Once they do this, Gbam! We have all we need for the asylum application. Tell the US or UK embassy that your blood will be on their hands if they send you back. They don’t like blood on their hands, especially Europeans. Can’t you see how they are still pampering the Jews because of what one European leader did nearly 70 years ago? 

CATEGORY FOUR: PERSECUTION BECAUSE OF MEMBERSHIP IN A PARTICULAR SOCIAL GROUP, OR POLITICAL OPINION.

You know for this one we need to pray that the president signs that anti-gay bill into law. That law, kai, it is laden with asylum pre-qualifications. First, the law prescribes a 10 year sentence for anyone who registers operates or participates in a gay society club or organization. So you can start a ‘Naija gays’ yahoo group, an organization that helps gay people or a gay men’s prayer group. Then you show the people in America that see, if they let you go back, you will land in jail for 10 years. Let them know what it means to be in Nigerian jail. It is a death sentence. I mean even Clifford Orji, the human flesh eater went mad in prison recently.  So if a hardened person of already doubtful sanity can go bunkers in Nigerian jail, ha, fragile you will die there. Explain this to them, with tears in your eyes. They will see your point and grant you asylum. 

Follow these guidelines and you will be living freely in America from where you can send monetary gifts to me via Western Union. Good luck.

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