HOW TO AVOID BEING MISTAKENLY QUARANTINED FOR EBOLA

So, despite the prayers of all our men of god and prayer warriors, Ebola somehow found its way into Nigeria. It is not my place to judge the efficacy of prayers or if the men of god should review their status as people with access to heaven. I mean with all the 10% gate fees these men of god collect, we should expect more, but I am more concerned about earthly issues.

For example, the Federal Government has announced that it will start checking the body temperature of people coming on certain flights into the country. Why are they checking for high temperatures? Because a fever is one of the early symptoms of Ebola. Other symptoms of Ebola include, weakness, sore throat, headache, diarrhea, rashes, red eyes, vomiting, hiccups, internal and external bleeding and muscle aches. (To be clear, if you experience any combination of these symptoms you should immediately go to a hospital. Ebola patients who survive usually get early treatment.)

This article is about how a healthy person avoids being mistaken for an Ebola patient and have his or her hustle truncated for a long time. Because the moment for example, your temperature is detected as being high, you will be immediately quarantined and observed/tested for Ebola. And you know Nigerians. Even if it turns out to be a wrong call and it was your laptop that created the heat and you are allowed to go after a few days, Nigerians will avoid you for the next three months. Neighbours will ban their children from going to your house.  The church committee you are on will suddenly start having meetings behind your back. Your wife may suddenly decide to go and visit her cousin for a while. Your relatives, in anticipation of your eventual demise will begin quarreling over your property as if you didn’t exist.

Yes, fear of Ebola is understandable and even expected, but we are the lords of stigma and will judge you for even being suspected of Ebola.

If you ever thought that anyone cares about you in Nigeria, stop it. Now! We are not America that flies one citizen alone on a plane from Liberia to receive the best care at home. You must take matters into your own hands to avoid all the things that can raise your temperature or make you a suspect at an airport.

1.      Do not sleep on the plane. Getting off the plane looking groggy or red-eyed can lead to profiling. A health officer from the Ebola team will pull you aside for questioning and with social media, within two minutes your family and entire community will hear on Facebook and Twitter that you are being tested for Ebola. Even if all the health officer did was ask you one question before letting you go.

2.      Do not take too much alcohol before flying or landing. This gives off at least two symptoms of Ebola: red eyes, and weakness.

3.   Do not be a glutton and eat everything offered on the plane. You do not know what you will go and eat or drink that will make your stomach run. And in these days of Ebola, once Nigerians see you go to the toilet many times, they will be the first to tell airport officials that you seemed to have diarrhea on the plane and they suspect you have Ebola. Eat only what you know please. And drink only water. You can eat well when you get home.

4.      Do not slouch or walk sluggishly as you leave the plane. Walk upright. March if you have to. Sing songs. Show signs of strength and vitality. Anything that will make them not suspect you have Ebola.

Now, one consequence of the Ebola scare is that you may become paranoid and suspect every passerby of having the virus. Sometimes extreme worry can stress you out which can in turn reduce your immunity and make you have headaches and all. Then you start really freaking out and go to the hospital because of the headaches which you think might be Ebola. Even though the doctor will tell you it is only stress, people will hear that you freaked out and went to check if you had Ebola, and then the stigma will begin. That kind of stigma takes months if not years to disappear.

So, how do you put your mind at ease about being exposed to the virus? I do not suggest that you stop touching people altogether, but if you are that kind of thorough person who hates loose ends, here are ways to politely avoid touching people in public:

1.      If you are a northern woman this is easy. Just say you do not shake hands with men. When you meet women tie your veil in such a manner that your hands are hidden from view. Make exaggerated gestures with your head to distract them. Say hello but quickly add that you are in a hurry.

2.      If you have nail polish, use it often. Always tell people you want your nail polish to dry. If there is anything we respect in this country, it is the right of nail polish to dry undisturbed.

3.      Tie a bandage around your hand before you go out and tell people you have a fracture. They will not attempt to shake you and will even feel sympathy for you. In fact some will go as far as invoke the healing power of da lord  to cure you. This one has a downside: as the overzealous person is trying to pray for you, he or she may end up trying to touch you, lay hands on you. Quickly inform them that your own man of god has it covered and you don't want to fuck up that prior prayer. Walk away quickly. 

4.      For people who are stubborn, pick your nose exaggeratedly just before they want to take your hand. No one wants to shake someone who has just finished digging into their nose.

May fear of the virus not find us and permanently truncate our hustle.  

MALALA WILL KNOW

This is a good weekend for me. I am revelling in an aha moment. Sometimes all you need is not to force something to work your way, but to find out how best a thing works. I have discovered how best Jonathan works. I have wasted the past year trying to get Jonathan to respond to my WhatsApp messages. I even tried to get his BB pin, but he wouldn’t add me. And it’s not just me. Oby Ezekwesili has been screaming herself hoarse at the Unity Fountain trying to get his attention, which earned her the title “psychological terrorist”.

However, when 17 year old Malala got on a plane and came to Abuja, I heard he ironed his best overalls with spray starch, didn’t drink, wore his prescription glasses and got all his aides to work overtime. As soon as he set eyes on her, he started talking, telling her everything, the things she wanted to know and things she didn’t really care about. Like apologising for the creases on his overall and for wearing the same colours all the time. He swore, by all the gods in the Niger Delta, that she had no reason to get angry with him, because he was doing his very best.

I appreciate this, because as long as a confession is made, it does not matter who that confession is made to. All that remains is for Oby Ezekwesili and the rest of us noise makers to channel our grievances, protests, questions, hashtags and tweets to the right office – the Malala Trust. Henceforth I will advise that requests should be made directly to Malala and copied to Jonathan. Tweets seeking the President’s attention should end with the hashtag #MalalaWillKnow. I’m not sure that Malala will have time to handle all our requests immediately. But I know one thing, when she does get round to handling it, our president will take immediate action.

After writing so much to Ebele Jonathan, I’m afraid for my career. I like to believe that I’m a good student of history. Sanusi wrote to Jonathan, he lost his job. Nyako wrote to Jonathan, he lost his job. Obasanjo wrote to Jonathan, I am sure that if he had a job he would have lost it too. For the sake of my job, I just want to tell Jonathan what we used to sing during football matches as kids: ‘Ba fada ba ne. Wasa ne.’ Rough translation: ‘No be fight.’

Speaking of Nyako, I hear that the old soldier disappeared right after he was impeached for having a monopoly on corruption, together with his four wives and children. While I agree that deregulated corruption would have saved his job, I am more interested in Nyako for other reasons. First, I like mangoes and he owns the largest mango farm in the country. And next, he was somehow able to summarise his four wives into one office of the First Lady. In fact, it has been reported that in the appointment letter of the chief press secretary to the First Lady, signed by Mr John Manassah, the SSG, it was stated that he was appointed ‘as the chief press secretary to the wives of the governor’. And you know, I want to be like Nyako when I grow up: 71 years old and still able to perform conjugal duties with four women. I am certain that if his heart was able to withstand that quadruple level of activity, then we don’t need to worry about how he will take his impeachment. But as an aside, what happens when a man upon whom four women (not counting concubines) depend on for sex, suddenly disappears? Can Adamawa afford to have that many unsatisfied women? Is this what Jonathan wants? Really?

Rauf Aregbesola has been on the campaign trail, begging the people of Osun state not to vote in Senator Iyiola Omisore, who was once at the centre of allegations in the assassination of Chief Bola Ige. I know the incumbent governor has reason to take his campaign very seriously, especially after the recent loss of his brother-governor Kayode Fayemi. But Rauf has nothing to fear. Even without uttering a word, his face and beard are sufficient campaign promises. They tell a story. And while people may look at Omisore’s face and think ‘See this big man’, they will look at Rauf’s face and go ‘See what life has done to this man’.

Apparently, 67 live giant African snails were seized at the Los Angeles International Airport early this week. The snails, which were coming from Lagos, made US customs officials panic and say that it was ‘the first time this pest has been encountered in such quantity’. Instead of sending it back where it came from, they proceeded to burn the snails alive. I just want to say that I’m disappointed in Jonathan. Of all the bad things he did this week, known and unknown, I find it most unconscionable that he would stand by and watch a national delicacy being called a pest. Why do we have a president, if 67 giant African snails can be burned to death with not so much as a response from Africa’s most powerful leader? Where are the animal rights groups that held global protests against the Chinese Yulin dog meat festival, because dogs were being ‘cruelly bound, confined, and slaughtered’? Which is worse: the meaningless torture and killing of 67 giant African animals or Chinese guys who slaughter dogs for consumption? I will send a memo to Malala on this. I trust Jonathan will listen to her.

Ps. My heart goes out to all the women, and boys of Borno still held in captivity by Boko Haram. Especially the school girls of Chibok who have spent almost 100 days in captivity. I cannot begin to imagine the havoc each day spent in insurgent camps wreaks on their lives. My thoughts are also with the bombarded Palestinians who have endured decades of military occupation, land seizures, blockades and death from the apartheid Israeli government. More especially those in Gaza labouring under the less than competent leadership of Hamas who by their ineptitude play into the ready hands of Israel and put Palestinian civilians at risk. In war, except perhaps for people dealing in arms, there can be no winner.

BURN AFTER READING

Reuben Abati, in his July 9 article in The Washington Times, justified his salary by attacking Karen Attiah’s satirical response to Jonathan’s The Washington Post article. I see that my political opponents are taking this writing business very serious. And so will I. 

Let me explain what The Washington Post did. Barely days after publishing Jonathan’s PR piece, they published Attiah’s satire, totally rubbishing his article. Now, there is no worse way of truncating a man’s international hustle than that kind of thing. So, here’s what Reuben Abati did. He found another paper with a similar name, called The Washington Times. Maybe he thought Nigerians would not know the difference between The Washington Post and The Washington Times. Or maybe he didn’t want another Karen Attiah satire pouring sand-sand in his garri. 

I just want to say that the Presidency chose the perfect city in America to do their PR. Because in Washington alone, apart from The Washington Post and The Washington Times, they have Washington Hispanic, Washington City Paper, Washington Blade, Washington Informer, Washington Business Journal, Washington Jewish Week, The Washington Diplomat, The Washington Sun, The Washington Afro American, and The Washington Examiner. They even have the Washingtonian Magazine. There is no way all these publications would have a Karen Attiah satirist waiting to puncture holes in their story.

So let us look at a few sentences from Abati’s article.

What is not fair, and which stands out in many of the criticisms directed at the Nigerian government, is the attempt to ignore the issues and argue that President Goodluck Jonathan is the problem. This attempt to turn the matter of the abducted girls into a referendum on the Jonathan administration has resulted in a complete misreading of the situation and much deliberate mischief fueled by ignorance and sponsored propaganda.

After reading especially the first few words, it is hard not to have the image of Abati in the middle of a school playground in shorts, stomping his feet and screaming ‘Eees nor fair!’ But then I think Reuben is right. It is not fair to blame a man who we voted in as Commander-in-Chief of the Armed Forces and Head of the Nigerian Government for failing in his responsibility. It is not fair to demand answers from a man who occupies the highest office in the land and has access to all the nation’s resources. It is not fair to be upset when his army lies that they have rescued the abducted girls, when in fact they made no attempt to do so. It is not fair to be upset that no one gets punished when the government lies to us. Eees nor fair!

During the past four years, Mr. Jonathan has taken proactive steps to combat terrorism on our shores, including military, political and social actions.

Again, I agree with Mr. Abati. Let me take the liberty of listing a few proactive military, political and social actions that Jonathan has taken.

1) Military: claiming that they have rescued the girls when they had no idea where the girls were. Because even the Bible says ‘life and death are in the power of the tongue’. So claiming to have carried out an action is a natural, proactive first step in doing that action.

2) Political: claiming that the abduction was a hoax organised by the APC. Because one needs to be sure that one’s enemies are not involved before committing great military resources in a place as large as Sambisa Forest.

3) Social: enlisting the support of touts to attack Bring Back Our Girls campaigners. Because one needs to test the resolve of people claiming to fight for abducted girls. It’s a bit like a job interview. You can’t have people half-heartedly chanting ‘bring back our girls’.

Since 2011 … [t]hese efforts [by Nigerian security chiefs] yielded positive results, notably the decimation of the ranks of the Boko Haram and their restriction to the Sambisa Forest.

Indeed Boko Haram has been restricted only to the Sambisa Forest. Because the 12-hour long May 5 attack on Gamborou, administrative headquarters of Ngala Local Government in Borno State, leading to the death of 300 persons might just have been a figment of some nosy journalists’ imagination. I’m a journalist sometimes, I know my people. Even the frequent attacks on communities around Chibok and the bombing of a plaza in Abuja may be the work of a copycat. Boko Haram has been restricted to Sambisa Forest.

Boko Haram, the political opposition and a section of the local Nigerian media may have turned Jonathan-bashing into a tasteless and unpatriotic sport. It would be sad indeed if the international media were to allow itself to be led by the nose into that game.

This is such an important point to make. I wished I said it first. Jonathan-bashing must be done in good taste and cannot be turned into a sport. It must be done in the spirit of seriousness and patriotism. Anything short of this is tasteless and unpatriotic.

***

I must my congratulate my soon-to-be predecessor on his wonderful new catch. He was able to attract Malam Shekarau, former book-burning Governor of Kano State, to the education ministry. In 2007, I remember the zeal with which Shekarau and his government publicly burned Hausa romance novels and subjected Hausa authors to a heavy-handed censorship board. We hope that he brings this book-burning zeal of his to the ailing educational sector. Because nothing purifies as perfectly as fire. (Trivia: Shekarau sometimes wears white socks. Just putting it out there)

PS: Please do me a favour. Join me in celebrating Shekarau, our new education minister. Burn this after reading.

NIGERIAN ELECTRICITY FOR DUMMIES

WHAT IS NIGERIAN ELECTRICITY?

I know. Bad question. 60% of you don’t have it at all and the remaining 40% see it only rarely. God will judge the matter. But stay with me as I explain a few things about the little electricity we have.

WHO CONTROLS NIGERIAN ELECTRICITY?

Ok. This one is complex. There are companies which were once part of the old NEPA that you know, broken into Generation companies (those who generate the light) and DISCOS or Distribution Companies (those who make sure the light, or darkness reaches your house). To control all these guys and make sure things run according to the law there is the oga at the top, NERC, Nigerian Electricity Regulation Commission. NERC makes sure people pay the right price for electricity and that everything goes according to plan. Don’t ask me what that plan is.

WHAT IS THIS NEW PREPAID METER BUSINESS?

You used to have NEPA officials come to your house and ‘read your meter’. They used to ask you how many boiling ring you get? How many deep freezer? And then slam you a random bill. The new meter makes sure that you pay for only what you use plus a little something called a fixed charge.

WHAT IS FIXED CHARGE AGAIN?

Calm down. You know that people bought over these distribution companies. The investment they make in equipment and keeping that equipment running needs to be recovered somehow. The fixed charge should not last forever. It is a little less than 1,000 naira every month because the cost of the investment is spread over many years. So it is possible that when this cost is recovered you will stop paying the fixed charge. Maybe 10 years. Maybe 15. Who knows. That is why you should live healthy and use moringa. So that you will live to see what electricity will be in future.

WHY SHOULD I GET A PREPAID METER?

Yes na. Don’t you want to pay for only what you use?

SHOULD I PAY FOR A METER?

The ogas at the top in NERC say no. But sometimes because it is slow in coming, some people who can’t wait for the normal process may pay to make sure they get the meter. However you are supposed to get that money back.

WHY DON’T I HAVE LIGHT NOW?

To distribute electricity, the companies rely on fuel- gas. Because the ogas at the top who control everything in electricity- NERC- don’t have control over gas, sometimes, they have shortage and cannot distribute the electricity they have. Sometimes, vandals break gas pipelines and this too creates a shortage.

WHY DON’T NERC CONTROL GAS? IN THE UK, THE PEOPLE WHO CONTROL ELECTRICITY, CONTROL GAS.

Look around. This is not the UK. It was proposed but people in the petroleum industry didn’t want to have gas removed from their control and we all know how powerful they are. So now we have the funny situation of control of electricity without control of gas upon which electricity companies depend. Not funny at all.

WHAT IS THIS THING THEY CALL MYTO?

MYTO means Multi Year Tariff Order. It is a system of calculating how much you will pay over a period of time. Every year, minor reviews are done based on how much gas prices are or what the inflation rate is. The major review is done every 5 years and it will take into account everything and set new prices. Why they call it this complicated name beats me. Why not just Tariff Order?

HOW COME THE OGA AT NERC SAID SOME PART OF THE BILL HAS INCREASED BUT SOME PART HAS REDUCED?

Good. You were listening. Your electricity bill is made up of a few parts, one of which is the fixed charge or wholesale charge (or the cost of generation). That charge is different from the retail tariff which is the cost of transmission and distribution of electricity. So, the fixed charge has been reduced effective May 21, ranging from 17-50% depending on where you live. This is because, the minor reviews of the MYTO showed that the country was not as bad as they thought it would be so they don’t use as much for generation. Things like inflation and exchange rate is better than they thought it would be. However the retail tariff has actually increased. Why? After the minor review they found that the “available generation capacity”, was 4306 MW. This means the maximum amount of electricity they have to distribute. Their projection was that they will have 9061 MW to distribute, which would mean more money for them and cheaper electricity because they have more electricity to sell. Now, they use the same amount of money to distribute less than half of the electricity they thought they would have. This whole story means, you the consumer will have to bear the cost of this loss. It is not your fault I know, but now they say that the law says you should pay the fair price for electricity. Basically meaning that whatever losses they make in generation capacity will be borne by you. Life is not fair abi? I know.

WHY DO I PAY FIXED CHARGE IF I HAVE NOT HAD LIGHT FOR WEEKS OR EVEN ONE MONTH?

Well, the NERC oga has said that there is an order effective May 1, 2014 which says that if you have not had electricity for 15 days no one should charge you fixed charge for that month. If they do, you can report to NERC. How will NERC resolve this? Don’t ask me, just report first and see what will happen.

WHAT IS…?

Hold on, I don’t work for NERC. If you have any questions, go to their office at Adamawa Plaza in Central Business District, Abuja – the very bad road (the worst road in the Abuja City) near the Federal High Court. Or call them +234-9-4621400. Or tweet at one of the ogas at @eyoekpo. Or email them at info@nercng.com. I would have asked you to go to their website, but honestly, that thing is not designed for the average consumer of electricity in Nigeria- it can’t really help you. They need someone who has at the back of his or her mind that normal people will read it while writing, to write for their website.

DEAR FRANK MBA: I THINK I MIGHT BE A SUICIDE BOMBER

I did not realize Frank Mba, the Force Public Relations Officer for the Nigerian Police, would call me out. I did not know setting out this week that I would so perfectly fit the non-specific profile for people who engage in suicide bombing. Until I read his blog. The italicized sentences are lifted directly from his blog titled "How To Identify a Suicide Bomber".

 He behaves in a way similar to someone with no future.

Sometimes I behave similar to one with no future because I do not see any future with myself and Nigeria in it. Not with the things I see and hear. Not with the brazenness with which my country’s leaders make things disappear. So yes, in complete disregard for my future I have refused to get a job. Because I love to write at night and sleep all morning. I love ice-cream even though I have recently discovered I am lactose intolerant- which is a thing I thought was a white disease until I fell sick after taking a tin of milk. I am addicted to Vodka and Red Bull, both of which are dangerous for me because of my weak heart. I shouldn’t even be drinking at all. I only recently stopped smoking, not because of my health, but because my teeth have begun to crack and in this life three things petrify me the most: having children, going blind, and losing my teeth.

His mental state could present clues – his eyes are secretive, he makes obvious attempt to avoid eye contact with the people he perceived to be his enemies and always looking at every possible exit.

Staring. I have struggled with this over the years. It has landed me in much trouble because I used to love looking into people’s eyes. But after three women (and one man) claimed that I had initiated flirting, I stopped. Even my friends agree that I have a flirtatious gaze. So these days I just avoid eye contact altogether.

Also, I am claustrophobic. So the first thing my eyes scan for upon entering a room is the exit. I am all about exits. There is something about being able to quickly leave a room which comforts me. I like to leave when I feel breathless, when someone says something annoying and there is no way for me to say my mind, when the room is too cold, when the room is too hot, or when I still smoked, to have a smoke.

Mumbling prayers – may be fervently praying to himself, showing the impression of whispering to someone else.

I was religious once in my life. Now, I am so detached from religion people assume I am an atheist. But this is incorrect. I cannot bring myself to believe in evolution and other big-bangy things. Again, if you fly in Nigerian airspace or drive on Nigerian roads, you have to be at least temporarily religious. So yes, once I am airborne, I mumble fervently, praying that the engineers did their job and that no one was bribed to let a faulty plane fly.

Sometimes also I just talk to myself. I find this helps me relax and helps me remember when I am in a place with nothing to write down an idea that has just come to me. However, we have cases of mental illness in my family. I have a close aunt who has lived with mental illness for a long time- she mumbles to herself. I often wonder if I just like doing it or if this mumbling is a symptom of something more sinister.

He shows no response to any authoritative voice, command or instruction.

I resent commands or authoritative instructions. It is the reason that I cannot stand the army. It is also the reason I do not see myself doing a 9-5. I quit my first job in a cool law firm I was emotionally invested in because my then boss, shouted at me. Upon entering my office I cleared out my desk, signed a check for one month’s salary and emailed her my resignation letter.

He wears slack or puffy clothes. This gives the impression that his body is excessively larger than his head or feet.

So, I am ashamed to say this but the last time I weighed myself I was 106.5kg. My thighs look like elephant legs and rub against each other. The body fitting clothes I used to wear are no longer appropriate. So I wear size 40 trousers instead of 38 which is my actual waist size. Comfort over fashion.

He appears to be focused and more vigilant on his target.

Because I get distracted easily I tend to need more energy to focus. It makes me look funny.

He will usually have his hands placed in the pocket, around the button of the detonator and ready to set off the bomb at the slightest opportunity.

When I am nervous I put my hands in my pocket. I am not sure it helps but it hides my trembling hands.

He may most likely have a clean shave or low hair-cut especially when he is ready to carry out the task. This may be done to disguise his real appearance.

Everyone who knows me knows that I am always clean shaven. In fact I shave all of my pubic hair. I cut the hair on my head on the average every 4 days. If I go more than 4 days I get a massive headache and become very irritable.

His breathings are heavy and rapid.

Due to my lack of exercise, I am just a lazy sack of potatoes most times. After a short distance I am panting. When I used to smoke it was worse.

He walks awkwardly or clumsily in an unusual and odd manner.

I have been clumsy for as long as I can remember. I kick things and break things. Growing up I didn’t take it seriously until I realized that as an adult I was as clumsy as I was as a child. A friend of mine gave me a book about dyspraxia a few years ago and if this book is anything to go by, I most certainly have the condition. One of the major symptoms of dyspraxia in adults is poor motor coordination skills, characterized by clumsy gait and movement, difficulty changing direction, stopping and starting actions, and poor balance. But then this is Nigeria. Who do you tell, I have dyspraxia? People just call you clumsy or lazy or forgetful. One day if I spend enough time abroad, I will see a doctor.

He looks aggressive, restless, irritable and nervous.

Another set of symptoms of dyspraxia, which I have had for as long as I can remember is easily getting stressed, depressed, anxious, impulsive and/or erratic. I cannot sit still for long and have to rock my legs continuously. My mother used to wonder why I could never sit still. She used to say, in the living room that my movements were making her eye ‘turn’. I have learnt to deal with my irritation and restlessness by avoiding people in those moments. I am also teaching my lover to deal with it by explaining beforehand that I am irritated and do not want to be touched. It is difficult, but slowly, my lover is getting it.

Often times, he may not know the route to his target destination very well, hence he may occasionally ask for directions.

I am horrible with directions. When someone tries to describe a place to me I tell them not to bother because really, there is no point. I just ask them to email or text me the directions with landmarks and all. When I get to the area, I ask for directions. I find that often I have to ask many people because some are just too proud to say I don’t know and give you rubbish directions.

He will usually have an unusual herbal smell. This is as a result of incense used in the final rituals performed on him as he takes off for the suicide mission.

I hated incense as a child because we had neighbors I was afraid of who used incense, and so I associated it with witchcraft. These days I love it. Especially the combined smell of incense and tobacco. It makes me feel like I am in some Arabian palace getting a full body massage. Whoever thought of incense should get a Nobel Prize for peace methinks. 

Ps. I just think that Frank should have done the honorable thing. He should have invited me to Force Headquarters to ask me if I was going to blow up anything, instead of exposing me to mob violence in this roundabout way of speaking. This is not what Jesus died for.