HIGH SPIRITS AND SOFT DRINKS

Dearest Buhari, 

Glory to God in the highest. Your deputy just texted me to say you are in high spirits. I have changed the sheets in anticipation. In fact, your high spirits have made my own spirits high and I am busy whistling, removing cobwebs, washing curtains, writing down the names of people who have already been making moves to replace you, including those who leaked letters they sent to you so they can appear like smart people.  

I am glad the floods have abated around the country. I would hate to have to pick you up in a boat, not because I don't like swimming or boats, but I am not sure what type of boat you would like and all. We should talk about this when you return. But you know what I think? Just like the meningitis outbreak in Zamfara was a visitation of God (I trust the Governor’s opinion on this), the flood, especially in Lagos was connected to people’s attitudes. I know people say ignorant things like the Governor should have worked on a drainage system that works for Nigeria’s most important commercial city that his response should have been better, but I believe him when blames the flooding and lack of infrastructure on people who don't pay tax. I suspect the flood is not just about people not paying tax but also, with the number of hotels in Lagos, it must be connected to fornication. I remember staying in a hotel and hearing noises coming from a room. And I thought: God is going to flood this city one day. People really need to stop committing fornication whether in Zamfara or Lagos. 

You won't believe what Sahara Reporters said about your meeting with your deputy. They said he was with you for only 5 minutes and that all you guys did was exchange pleasantries. I know they did it to make people think you can hardly talk and are unfit to run this house and all but I was even happy when they reported that. For a few reasons. First off, it showed me you are faithful to me. You refuse to spend too much time with another person when you can't spend time with me. Next, really, most meetings can be compressed into 5 minutes. Nigerians just like long stories. Ask a Nigerian to convene a meeting he will begin by giving a silly opening remark about how he is very happy to be there and all the people who made it possible and how the event almost didn't happen. Then during comments, he will begin by thanking the organisers for organising the program then thanking them for inviting him then thanking the anchor for calling on him to speak. Then he will say he doesn't want to take too much of the time and will be brief. At this point, he will launch into a full speech. If we cut out all of this nonsense, meetings will last only 5 minutes. And finally when they said all you did was exchange pleasantries did they expect you to exchange hateful words? Why are people enemies of peace and progress? Can’t they just be happy for you? 

So I see that Boko Haram is showing up again even though your army has technically defeated it without quite eradicating it. I don't know why Boko Haram will not accept that you have technically defeated them? Is it by force? Why can’t they just respect these declarations that our army make? Anyway, they can keep trying to bomb and we will keep declaring them defeated. 

My darling I just read this new report which says that soft drinks lead to erectile dysfunction and I really got scared. I hope you are not drinking Coke or Fanta fa! Ba na son wahala. Life is too short to have ED. I am not saying you should start taking hot drinks, I am just saying be careful. We can organise someone to export Fura or Kunu to London. After all, we are already paying thousands of pounds every day to maintain you and your presidential jet which I am happy is parked in the UK just in case you need to come and see me very quickly. Me I pledge not to do any soft drinks. I am doing exercise to prepare for your return and sticking to tea and fruits. Our enemies will not succeed. 

As usual, I am reminding you about the Shiite guy whose children and followers we massacred and buried in mass graves in Kaduna. I really believe it is time to let him go. We cannot bring back the people we buried. But we can stop the injustice from carrying on. 

Send me a nice WhatsApp. Exchange pleasantries with me like you did with Yemi. Because you care about me. 

Yours always, 

Elnathan