SPEECH IMPAIRMENTS, RECALLS AND EYESIGHT

Dearest Buhari, 

They have come again o! I just read the Sahara Reporters people again and now they are saying you have a speech impairment. What nonsense! People wanting to use this as an excuse are saying that in 2010 you were asking where Yar’Adua was and demanding that if he was too sick to run the house he should resign. All I have to tell them is, jiya ba yau ba — yesterday is not today. And you are not Yar’Adua. Yar’Adua did not love me the way you do. Yar’Adua did not have or care about the “other room”. Yar’Adua did not give me my special place as the head of the 97% while protecting me from the 5% of people who do not deserve his love. And about the speech impairment rumor, do they not know that we communicate weekly, that our hearts speak as one, that I can feel you even if words do not pass between us? You know how growing up our parents will look at us in public and without saying a word we knew what they meant? Did they need words? And neither do you. I feel you. (Also, it is not like we need words in “the other room”.  😘)

Albishirin ka! They have begun the process of the recall of Senator Mai Mota. INEC has received bags of signatures signing the petition for his recall. Those Kogi people are serious fa. But you know I trust Senator Mai Mota. The God that made it possible for him to go to become a graduate of foreign universities by just doing one-week courses and helped him get his many many vehicles can help him dissolve those signatures into liquid, merge them and turn them into a blot on the paper. Because the God of Mai Mota works in mysterious ways!

My dear, I am so happy you are not in Nigeria o! Imagine just sitting there recovering from illness wearing a t-shirt and shorts, maybe even before taking a shower and then someone like Shehu Sani descending upon the house with journalists and cameras taking photos of you and posting it on Twitter and Instagram. Hmmmm. God forbid that Shehu Sani will use you for politics. Even me who is your darling, I don't share pictures of you in shorts on Twitter. Not even the ones you send me via WhatsApp. Please o, if you hear Shehu Sani is coming to London, wear your Caftan o, and in fact let him and his people keep their phones outside the door before you let them in. I don't want everyone seeing your sexy legs. 

Let me tell you some gossip. So, Rotimi Amaechi has threatened to expose Nyesom Wike’s wife because Wike alleged that when Amaechi was governor state politicians used to make monthly payments to his wife. Amaechi then called Wike a thug, said he speaks bad English and that he is poorly dressed. The same Wike who was Amaechi’s Chief of Staff. I wonder if his English, being a thug or dressing has worsened over the years or if he was not these things when they were working together. In fact Amaechi once claimed that he begged Goodluck Jonathan to make Wike minister. You know those men who will sleep with a woman then when things don't work out will turn around and call her ugly and a whore? I am not saying Amaechi was sleeping with Wike (even though I do think they would make a charming couple), I am only saying Amaechi reminds me of those men. I hope they settle. Or that Wike maybe changed his dressing and takes language classes. Whatever will make them both happy. Because like we say, sun fi kusa. (I am sorry if now the thought of Amaechi and Wike sleeping with each other is in your head and won’t go away.)

So, you have to help us pray o. That small Kaduna governor who swore to arrest the old men pretending to be young men who gathered to tell Igbos to leave the north still can't find them. I know he wears glasses. But I also know his eye sight was perfect when he wanted to arrest other people who wrote things did not like. I hope it is not river blindness returning to Kaduna. Anyway, let us hope he finds them. Because I know they are not hiding. This is why when you come back, I want to do a pet project. I want all children to have carrots in their diet. For vitamin A which strengthens the eyes. I will buy truck loads of carrots and make carrot juice which we will donate to all school children. So that when they grow up they will be able to find what they are looking for. This will also lead to growth of the economy as carrot farmers will benefit greatly. 

I miss you. Send me a WhatsApp soon. 

And my weekly reminder: release the Shiite man whose children and followers we killed. There is no point holding him when the courts have asked us to let him go. Do it for me baby…

Yours always. 

E.