SPEECH IMPAIRMENTS, RECALLS AND EYESIGHT

Dearest Buhari, 

They have come again o! I just read the Sahara Reporters people again and now they are saying you have a speech impairment. What nonsense! People wanting to use this as an excuse are saying that in 2010 you were asking where Yar’Adua was and demanding that if he was too sick to run the house he should resign. All I have to tell them is, jiya ba yau ba — yesterday is not today. And you are not Yar’Adua. Yar’Adua did not love me the way you do. Yar’Adua did not have or care about the “other room”. Yar’Adua did not give me my special place as the head of the 97% while protecting me from the 5% of people who do not deserve his love. And about the speech impairment rumor, do they not know that we communicate weekly, that our hearts speak as one, that I can feel you even if words do not pass between us? You know how growing up our parents will look at us in public and without saying a word we knew what they meant? Did they need words? And neither do you. I feel you. (Also, it is not like we need words in “the other room”.  😘)

Albishirin ka! They have begun the process of the recall of Senator Mai Mota. INEC has received bags of signatures signing the petition for his recall. Those Kogi people are serious fa. But you know I trust Senator Mai Mota. The God that made it possible for him to go to become a graduate of foreign universities by just doing one-week courses and helped him get his many many vehicles can help him dissolve those signatures into liquid, merge them and turn them into a blot on the paper. Because the God of Mai Mota works in mysterious ways!

My dear, I am so happy you are not in Nigeria o! Imagine just sitting there recovering from illness wearing a t-shirt and shorts, maybe even before taking a shower and then someone like Shehu Sani descending upon the house with journalists and cameras taking photos of you and posting it on Twitter and Instagram. Hmmmm. God forbid that Shehu Sani will use you for politics. Even me who is your darling, I don't share pictures of you in shorts on Twitter. Not even the ones you send me via WhatsApp. Please o, if you hear Shehu Sani is coming to London, wear your Caftan o, and in fact let him and his people keep their phones outside the door before you let them in. I don't want everyone seeing your sexy legs. 

Let me tell you some gossip. So, Rotimi Amaechi has threatened to expose Nyesom Wike’s wife because Wike alleged that when Amaechi was governor state politicians used to make monthly payments to his wife. Amaechi then called Wike a thug, said he speaks bad English and that he is poorly dressed. The same Wike who was Amaechi’s Chief of Staff. I wonder if his English, being a thug or dressing has worsened over the years or if he was not these things when they were working together. In fact Amaechi once claimed that he begged Goodluck Jonathan to make Wike minister. You know those men who will sleep with a woman then when things don't work out will turn around and call her ugly and a whore? I am not saying Amaechi was sleeping with Wike (even though I do think they would make a charming couple), I am only saying Amaechi reminds me of those men. I hope they settle. Or that Wike maybe changed his dressing and takes language classes. Whatever will make them both happy. Because like we say, sun fi kusa. (I am sorry if now the thought of Amaechi and Wike sleeping with each other is in your head and won’t go away.)

So, you have to help us pray o. That small Kaduna governor who swore to arrest the old men pretending to be young men who gathered to tell Igbos to leave the north still can't find them. I know he wears glasses. But I also know his eye sight was perfect when he wanted to arrest other people who wrote things did not like. I hope it is not river blindness returning to Kaduna. Anyway, let us hope he finds them. Because I know they are not hiding. This is why when you come back, I want to do a pet project. I want all children to have carrots in their diet. For vitamin A which strengthens the eyes. I will buy truck loads of carrots and make carrot juice which we will donate to all school children. So that when they grow up they will be able to find what they are looking for. This will also lead to growth of the economy as carrot farmers will benefit greatly. 

I miss you. Send me a WhatsApp soon. 

And my weekly reminder: release the Shiite man whose children and followers we killed. There is no point holding him when the courts have asked us to let him go. Do it for me baby…

Yours always. 

E. 

THE BENEFITS OF THE PROPOSED FUEL PRICE HIKE

Dearest Buhari,

First off I am so glad you survived the London bridge attacks. I saw on Facebook that you were safe and all. What would I have done without you? God will not allow any terrorist to find you in your London home darling. 

Anyway, so after your people at the embassy declared that you were rapidly improving I decided to mop and clean the other room and change the sheets and all. I am also airing the room just in case you decide to suddenly fly back once your deputy starts getting too popular. I want you to come back to a clean fresh house. 

So one of our workers Nodee, the one who says he has like 100 degrees, was caught on tape bribing a judge. Now the bribe aside, there are things I admire about Nodee. I like how he acquires degrees. I wish I had the confidence to do that. If he spends the night in a city that has a university and he strolls onto the campus in the evening to enjoy the academic breeze, he updates his CV to say he is a graduate of that institution. In a way he might be right. If he spent one week at Harvard and paid for his own ticket and accommodation, and ended up learning something there, he should be able to add that to his CV. Recently I spend two days at Yale University and I am working up the courage to add “Yale lecturer” to my CV. If Nodee can do it, I think I can. He has been working hard. Only recently he gathered some thieves to talk about how to end theft, which is smart because who else is best suited to end theft but thieves themselves. Just like how in some local communities, the local thugs and criminals are hired to protect the community. That way, instead of harassing and robbing people they are gainfully employed to protect the people. Makes sense. Or like in some movies where the thief who outsmarts the FBI ends up being recruited by the FBI.  

So our Senate has proposed an increase in the price of fuel. I know we promised everyone something different, change and all, but I am certain there are many advantages to increasing the cost of fuel even now that we are still in a recession. I will list just a few. 

1 It will reduce pollution: Think of how many cars are on the road. Everyone wants to drive. With expensive fuel, people will begin to explore other alternatives, like car pooling, cycling, walking or just sitting at home. With fewer cars come less pollution and now that Trump has pulled out of the Paris climate deal, it is up to smaller countries like Nigeria to help keep our planet safe. Increasing the fuel price will achieve this quickly. 

2 It will create a healthier population: Think of all the people that will buy bicycles and those who, instead of driving their Range Rovers to the neighborhood supermarket will walk there. The general weight of the population will decrease which will in turn lead to fewer health problems usually associated with sedentariness and weight gain. And a healthy population is a happy population. 

3 It will create happier united families. Think of it this way: if fuel becomes very expensive, men may reconsider driving their mistresses around or even visiting them so often. And we all know that once you begin to neglect your mistress, that is the beginning of the end of the affair. And once the mistress gets angry and moves on, it saves the marriage. People will have to prioritize — the wife and children or the mistress. I know that some foolish men will end up choosing the mistress but those are the ones that nothing can save. But think of the few who will choose the wife. Think of those families that a fuel increase will save.

4 It will reduce road accidents: Naturally, it follows that with fewer cars we will have fewer accidents and fewer incidents of road rage. People will get to where they are going much faster and people will start turning up for events quicker. This might mark a cultural shift where people abandon Nigerian time as there will no longer be traffic to blame. Fewer accidents mean fewer deaths and a generally happier healthier population. 

5 It will draw people closer to God: When fuel becomes expensive, God stands to gain. Here’s why. People will drive to church or Juma'at mosque. With super expensive fuel, you will not even be tempted to doze off in church or rush back home from the mosque. You will think of how much it cost you to get there and no one will tell you to cherish that time. People will spend more time in the houses of God because it would be a terrible waste not to. When they do this it will lead to a general appreciation for godly things and for the messages of salvation, whether Christian or Muslim. And nothing is better than a godly population. Fewer crimes, fewer people committing fornication and adultery, fewer STIs, fewer unwanted pregnancies and broken homes.

So you see, we really need this fuel hike and I am glad that this is happening while you are in charge of the house. That way we can claim the glory for finally fixing this nation with one master stroke. 

Please keep taking your drugs darling. I will be here waiting for you, whenever you decide to come back. 

Yours always, 

E.