THE RACE TO REPLACE WHITE

Rumblings were heard all over the farm from the quarters of animals who were hinting at their intention to replace White as farm leader. Dissatisfaction was spreading quickly and the worshippers of White were finding it difficult to defend White for every catastrophe that happened. They however adopted a stance of blaming everything around White without ever blaming White. Sometimes they would blame a farm hand for making White look bad. Like the farm hand who was in charge of storing all the grain in a central location, a baboon called Amen Pele. Amen Pele was a disaster and tried to impose rules that would make criminalize the ownership of foreign grains by animals. He made it hard to get grains from outside the farm and many animals needed this in order to have a balanced diet and in order to produce different types of meals. Amen Pele often walked into Whitist worship services to lead prayers himself. When White had a pain in his anus he would bring balm to soothe it and would follow him around driving flies away from his body. Amen Pele managed the central granary so bad that the whole farm was facing a crisis. But of course, worshippers of White were glad that they had someone who could take the heat for the crumbling central granary. Some Whitist priests even called for the sack of Amen Pele while affirming the perfection of White. 

Also, no one blamed White for the massacres around the farm carried out by White’s genocidal farm hand Dick Tai. Even though Dick Tai ultimately answered to White, whenever he went out on his killing sprees, either hunting down and killing bats or slaughtering protesting animals in the east of the farm, no one made the connection to White. 

Meanwhile another of White’s farm hands, a blind mouse called Dan Daudu had declared that although he had promised a bumper harvest of grain, there was in fact evidence to show that in the coming year, animals were going to starve. Everyone was angry at this farm hand and made fun of his half shut eye but no one made the connection to White. Instead animals who could began making preparations for an eventual period of starvation. 

All of this made it possible for White to still retain some popularity in spite of the farm crumbling. He was still the messiah who saved the farm from Goodhead and his reckless friends who were about to set the farm ablaze. White was still god and Master, Lord and Savior. 

The leader of the crocodile swamp, the temperamental crocodile with short legs called Sir Na, had observed the mood of the farm and the fact that animals, crocodiles inclusive, were still fond of White and it would be foolish to try to kick him out of power. He thus began to scale back his plans to take over from White so that when White had finished his term he could comfortably slip in and try to become farm manager. 

One animal, a snake called Teku was trying to take advantage of the fact that the farm was in disarray. He was moving from one animal quarters to the other reminding them that he was in the running for farm manager. Some claimed he was a thief, especially Sir Na who disliked him deeply. Even though Sir Na had rolled on the floor and kissed Teku’s tail when he was deputy farm manager many years ago. Then, Sir Na would go on his knees to say hello to Teku. But he was always in the camp of animals who never wanted Teku to become farm manager. He said that Teku was a thief. That Teku was a wanted animal in many farms. That Teku was hungry for power. Teku on the hand retaliated, saying Sir Na too wanted to run the farm and he he was just being a hypocrite. None of them could see how much they looked like each other. How much their crawling resembled each other. How in the end they both — snake and crocodile — moved on their stomachs. They both tried to recruit animals to shout on each side. 

And food became more and more scarce.

And darkness continued to spread throughout the farm.

And the farm hands of White continued to be killed by wild dogs even though White swore he had defeated them. 

And the animals continued to ignore the bodies of the dead bats massacred by the genocidal Dick Tai.

And Teku began to recruit people to fulfill his ambition to take over as farm manager. 

And White was mostly silent, preferring to speak to animals outside his farm. 

And White continued to manage the pain in his side while trying to prevent the whole farm from crumbling. 

And all the while the worshippers of White, now fewer in number, continued to shout their prayers loudly:

In the name of the White father

And of the farm hands

And of the holy Whitists…

Bless us White for we have sinned

Bless our thoughts

Bless our desires

Bless our intentions

Blessed be thy name

Thy will be done in every quarter among every animal species

Teach us to love your will

Teach us to be teachable

Teach us to trust your will even when your will may not be clear

Teach us to defend your will before it becomes your will

For thine are the decisions, the thoughts and the glory

For as long as you choose to be farm leader

Amen

HOW TO LOOK AWAY AND NOT FEEL GUILTY

Empathy is a great quality to possess. The ability to understand and share the feelings of others. It is empathy that allows us to put ourselves in the shoes of others. Empathy allows men to understand the woes of women, and vice versa; it allows whites to understand the woes of black; it allows people who belong to a gender binary understand the woes of non binary people. However, empathy can be a problem. Too much understanding stands in the way of useful discrimination or necessary violence. Because let’s face it, discrimination and violence are important in keeping undesirable people away from us. Imagine a world where everyone had the same rights, where everyone had the right to believe whatever they wanted to believe, where everyone had freedom of worship, where every gender, binary or non binary had the same access to healthcare, sexual and reproductive rights. Wouldn't that be too much? Wouldn't life be boring without the hierarchies and discrimination that put some human beings above others, for order and structure? 

Think of minorities for example. Now as a person who belongs to a majority religion, you get to define what blasphemy is. But the great part is that you also get to blaspheme freely against minorities. For example, as a believer or a monotheist, you can blaspheme against polytheists, calling their gods “pagan” or disgusting or abominable. You are allowed to call them infidels and unbelievers because belief is defined by you. Hence those who do not agree with you are the unbelievers. It doesn't matter that from their standpoint you also are some sort of unbeliever and infidel. You are allowed to destroy their shrines to show the dominance and power of your superior deity. You are allowed to say that they are going to hell. However, being minorities they should never be allowed those same rights. Because you know how minorities are, you give them a Gala and then they want La Casera. Your criticism of their religion is the truth. Their criticism of your religion is blasphemy and must never be condoned. They must be attacked for believing strange things. So, what has all of this got to do with looking away and not feeling guilty? I just noticed that some people were beginning to feel uncomfortable with the rampant attack on Shiites led by Kaduna State. You really shouldn't feel guilty. If the governor needs to use state resources to inflict violence on them and some of them die, this is how to not feel guilty: think of all the roads that get blocked (don’t think of the roads your own religion blocks, it ruins the fun), think of all the beliefs they believe which you do not like, think of the all black that they wear in the heat, think of how much they must sweat in those clothes, and then find something else to do, like weed the grass in your backyard. 

Now at birth we are all assigned a gender. As soon as the doctor or midwife pulls us out and sees our genitalia, they declare: It’s a boy or It’s a girl. This is all that should matter throughout your life. If you have a child you must force all the rules we have made for the genders on your children. Do not allow your boys play with girls toys or with make up because, well just because. And if god forbid a child grows up preferring things different from what society has decreed, then you must feel disturbed even if this has absolutely nothing to do with you. Because without you, the world will be destroyed. So, if people attack a person who was assigned male, for acting like a female, you must look away and not feel guilty (that is if you yourself don't feel strong enough to join in the attack). Ask yourself: why is this man wearing female perfume? Why is this woman wearing male clothes? Why is he wearing a headscarf? Why does he want to ruin my life and that of my children by wearing what he likes? When you think like this, even if such a man or woman gets lynched, you will not feel too bad about it. At worst your will feel bad about that individual’s poor parents. 

When a person is being lynched by a mob, it is generally good to look away. To kill any guilt that may result from you just looking on as a fellow human being is being killed ask any of the following guilt-dissolving questions: What did he do? Why did he do it? What tribe is he? What religion is he?

Asking these questions will help you put it all in perspective. If they tell you the person stole a purse, it is nice to think, see ba, lynching is bad, but oh if only he was not a thief, he would not have been killed or oh, if he wasn't a criminal they would not have tortured him and set his squirming body on fire. These thoughts solve any issues about the mob’s culpability in murder. Just make sure to begin any justification with the fact that you do not support lynching, but. 

The word “but” is very important. In rape, or mob lynching or online attacks on minorities you can make sense of it by first denying that you support the said action followed by but. But allows you to get the PC obstacle out of the way while saying what you really mean. If a woman you don't like was raped, say an annoying woman who always likes to show her body, you get the political correctness out of the way by saying, no woman should be raped, but it is important to get all the facts of the matter. You see what I did there? Or if an unarmed person was hacked and burned to death or extrajudicially murdered by the Nigerian army or police, you can begin by saying, murder is bad, but we need to know the other side of the story. Or something like, killing civilians is not the best, but we need to find out what provoked the soldiers or police. You will never have to feel guilty again. 

It is good to feel empathy. But it is even better not to waste empathy on the wrong people so that we can have enough empathy for all the right people: our family members, members of our religious sect, members of our ethnic group, people who support our political party, people we are sleeping with, and people we generally like. 

THE PIG WHO WON

The world of animals was in need of a new leader. The old leader, an unlikely animal to lead the world — a black sheep — had now finished his term and grown grey from the tedium that was controlling as many animal farms as he could. Understandably, animals everywhere were interested in who was going to run the world from the most powerful animal farm. Two animals, a pig and a hawk were contesting. All the animals laughed when the pig said he wanted to run the world. “How did this filthy pig even imagine that any animal would let him run the world?” animals scoffed. And as they laughed and jeered, the pig waded through the mud and spoke to other pigs. “They are laughing at us,” the pig said. “They think we are scum. But we will show them the power of scum.”

And all the lowly animals, all the despised pigs, all the hawks who were afraid of a fellow hawk disrupting the balance of things, quietly began to support the pig. And the hawk flew high parading herself like the leader  she wanted to be when it was announced that the filthy pig had just been chosen to lead the world. The hawk was so dizzy that for a moment she began to crash to the earth. The filthy pig who slept all day in muddy waters. The filthy pig that hated hawks. The filthy pig that loved to mount other random pigs without their consent. The pig was now going to run the animal world. 

Meanwhile on White’s farm, there was trepidation because even though White had a few things in common with this pig — like some of what he thought about hawks — White did not want the pig to win. But White congratulated the pig anyway and said that in spite of all of the mud, he would be happy to work with the pig. 

In the north of White’s farm, the crocodile leader with short legs and a short temper Sir Na, was still having his eye on leading the farm. He was also clamping down on crocodiles who didn't like the way he was running the crocodile swamp and throwing them in cages. He was overseeing the clampdown on bats (even though in public he shed crocodile tears when he heard crocodiles were following his lead and killing bats). He was throwing tantrums and getting angry at crocodiles who did not allow him to control them, and all the while whispering his intention ever so softly to animals to would listen. All he wanted was to take the farm someday from White. 

As White grew weary, managing the pain in his anus and his wife who was becoming ungovernable and restless, the wild dogs in the north east that he swore to have defeated started reappearing and ambushing his farm hands. Farm hands were turning up dead and barns were being set on fire. Although the wild dogs did not move as freely as they once did, they now attacked and killed farm hands of White, embarrassing him before all the animals who took him for his word that he had defeated the dogs. 

Animals on White’s farm who had become accustomed to suffering and catering for themselves through years of abuse from successive farm managers resumed their pattern of making a way where there was no way. But White’s farm hands had other ideas. They created rules to make it unnecessarily hard for animals to trade freely among each other. The farm management was not making it easy for animals to exchange goods, instead they were throwing clogs in the wheels in the name of regulation. 

By now the ranks of the Whitist priests and worshippers of White was shrinking but had by no means disappeared. There were still a few vocal priests and worshippers who were committed to the cause of upholding White as god and savior, king and commander, lord and master. And these remnants of the priests were as vicious as ever, attacking any animal they perceived as disloyal. 

White planned to meet at some point with the newly chosen pig leader of the world, hoping that somehow he would get a favorable hearing for all the assistance he wanted. But he was nervous. 

“I am afraid because they say he mounts pigs and other animals indiscriminately. Perhaps we must keep my wife in the other room if he ever visits so he does not do that to her. You know pigs and their long orgasms. Once he mounts my wife, she will never be the same again. Or maybe it is best not travel with her altogether.” 

And White’s farm hands were instructed to keep his wife hidden from the pig world leader if there was ever a meeting. 

And the cost of grain continued to rise on White's farm.  

And animals across the animal world were in shock that a pig was chosen over a hawk to run the animal world. 

And the bats on White’s farm continued to suffer discrimination with their leader tied up, blind and bloody. 

And Teku the fox also continued plotting to take over the farm from White. 

And no one knew how to get the farm back on track. 

And the wild dogs in the Southern marshlands continued to blow up water pipes. 

And it became harder and harder to speak up against White or against any of the animal leaders on the farm. 

And all the while the worshippers of White continued singing praises and praying to White their god: 

In the name of the White father

And of the farm hands

And of the holy Whitists…

Bless us White for we have sinned

Bless our thoughts

Bless our desires

Bless our intentions

Blessed be thy name

Thy will be done in every quarter among every animal species

Teach us to love your will

Teach us to be teachable

Teach us to trust your will even when your will may not be clear

Teach us to defend your will before it becomes your will

For thine are the decisions, the thoughts and the glory

For as long as you choose to be farm leader

Amen