AN ANAL PROBLEM

And it came to pass that after many days of pretending and struggling to walk straight, White finally admitted that in the quiet moments when he went into the bushes to answer the call of nature, he felt extreme pain, especially after the second push. Always after the second push the contractions would reveal themselves causing a sharp pain in the anus.

White sat with his farm hands talking about how they would handle the spread of this information especially as non worshippers of White had begun shamelessly spreading rumours about his health. This became all the more important because now, he had to travel to see a veterinarian in a farm far far away. And worse, in public, people could hear him scream each time he went to relieve himself, right after the second push. 

His farm hands deliberated and argued over the wording of the statement. Some of them were of the opinion that while the fact of an ailment should be mentioned, they should not be too specific, perhaps even changing the type of ailment altogether. Others wanted no mention of an ailment at all, stating that White should simply say he was leaving the farm for some unspecified diplomatic mission. A few were of the opinion that White should just mention it and silence the disloyal non-worshippers. Once you mention it, they argued, the animals will have even more sympathy with White and will revere him eternally for being honest. The farm hands who wanted to change the nature of the illness argued that most animals, especially worshippers of White, were of the opinion that White did not answer the call of nature, that he was too White and holy for that, that he was a god among animals, that he had no animal weaknesses like pain after the second push.

While they were deliberating, animals began to speculate loudly and the farm hands quickly decided to downplay the nature of the ailment. They published the information about White’s imminent veterinarian visit as follows:

White, first of his name, commander of the faithful, holy of holies, first among animals who has neither defect nor ailment is desirous of making a public statement to his faithful worshippers. He wants them to know that he feels what they feel. He wants them to know that he knows what they know about pain and suffering. Consequently, White will go to a foreign farm to rest and reflect on how to perfect his mission of making gold and diamonds sprout from the ground. While resting he will visit a specialist for the grooming of his tail, the grooming of which has been difficult in recent times. Only because he is busy attending to his followers. Only because he is busy making sure that gold and diamonds sprout from the ground and all animals have orgasms the length of pigs. Because all animals deserve thirty minute orgasms. Except White. For White is no mortal animal in need of worldly pleasures. 

As they groomed him in preparation for his visit to the veterinarian, White reminded his farm hands to be diligent in protecting the faith of Whitism and to be wary of animal saboteurs. And they all swore on their lives and the lives of their children that they defend his right to go and rest at a time when the farm was falling to pieces. They swore they would defend his not having a veterinarian on the farm who could treat a simple issue such as pain in the anal cavity (after the second push). They swore they would give examples of other farm managers who had to leave their farms to veterinarians on other farms far away. But most of all they would be sure to accuse all who accused White of mismanaging the farm of collusion with the previous corrupt administration of Goodhead. 

And all the Whitist worshippers said prayers for White.

And farm hands, led by workers of Dick-Tai continued to suppress protests across the farm by killing animals.

And the animals on the farm totally forgot the issue of the hundreds of bats who were buried by Dick-Tai.

And food became scarcer and scarcer.

And wild dogs continued to blow up the water pipes in the marshlands.

And wild wolves, brothers of White continued to retaliate across the farm, freely.

And the farm hands worked overtime singing hymns and reminding animals how lucky they were to have White. 

And White lay on his bed in a farm far far away, dreaming of a land sprouting gold and diamonds and hoping that his anus would heal quickly and that he could safely go beyond the second push.