MONEY COMES, MONEY GOES, MONEY MULTIPLIES

The wealthiest animal in all of White’s animal farm was a chameleon called Dangod who, through friendships with every single farm manager, managed to have special rules which saw him increase in wealth as the years went by. Dangod changed color so that he resembled every animal that was in power. He supported them and knew never to openly challenge any farm manager or show partisan support. If two animals were vying to become leaders of their quarters, he supported them both. Dangod was friends with Goodhead as well as White; friends of Goodhead as well as Whitists priests. He was the color of everyone without allowing anyone’s color rub off on him. And by so doing quietly became praised as the wealthiest animal who employed the highest number of animals. 

As soon as a crisis hit the farm and White let go of his stubborn insistence on keeping the cost of grains on his farm artificially low, Dangod lost a lot of his wealth. Still, animals praised Dangod every chance they could as a hard working animal who helped many animals get food and gainful employment. It didn’t matter that if more animals had the kind of access Dangod had, the farm might have produced far more super wealthy animals like Dangod. But no animal could say this because Dangod was friends with everyone while being attached to no one. 

Secretly every farm manager who ever governed the farm made pilgrimages to Dangod and worshipped him. But since White was too much of an animal god himself, he sent his docile deputy Sinbad to perform the secret acts of worship on his behalf. Sinbad bowed down and kissed Dangod, visited his playgrounds and declared them holy sites of worship, and apologised to him for all that he had lost. And Dangod was happy that this farm management like those before them knew that he was god. 

The crisis that hit the farm also exposed other animals who pretended to be wealthy. One animal, a kangaroo called Hen Hurry (because of how much he was in a hurry to speak in matters that didn’t concern him), was rumoured to have a business empire which included a pageant for peacocks and a hilltop for viewing the sun while eating the most expensive sweetened grains. Not a day went by when he did not say something mean about White and about how White had no common sense. He put his businesses forward as sterling examples of his capacity to lead with nothing more than common sense. One day, a committee on the farm in charge of collecting debts uncovered that his fortune was based on a lie, a debt he had collected and never repaid. The committee concluded that if he had any common sense at all he would have run businesses that turned profit enough to at least start repaying his debts. They took over his properties and took control of the hill where he used to sell expensive sweetened grains. The committee declared that no animal should have to pay so much for grains while being entertained. And they began giving away his sweetened grains for free. 

Somewhere in the West of the farm, an obnoxious species leader, a wild rabid dog called Fayourshit was barking wildly and saying vile things about White. He did this, beating his chest, reminding animals that there were rules preventing White from arresting or harming any species leader while such leader was in power. Fayourshit bragged that no creature born of an animal could touch him. So White asked one of his farm hands to confiscate a warehouse where Fayourshit had stashed goods he had stolen. When this happened Fayourshit went wild and began roll in the dust to protest what had been done to him. But all the animals, fed up with his wild barking and calisthenics paid him no heed. And they walked past as he swore that it was illegal to confiscate his property. 

White’s genocidal farm hand Dick-Tai, in spite of all of his brutality was a great saver of resources. He knew how to make five loaves of bread and two fishes feed five thousand animals and still have remnants. It was through this saving power that he was able to purchase expensive property on a fancy farm far away. And haters of Dick-Tai began to scream about him owning property in foreign farms, about him stealing when he worked for Goodhead, but White knew that Dick-Tai was only a great saver. Yes he was genocidal, but genocide was needed to keep animals loyal on the farm. But he was no thief. 

“You should ask Dick-Tai to teach you how to save instead of calling him a thief,” White told the animals who complained. 

While all of this was going on, far away in the farm where White’s favourite veterinarian lived, there was chaos. Long ago, before White or White’s parents were born, this farm had invaded a quarter of all the farms that existed. They enslaved animals and forced them to act and speak like them. They massacred animals on many farms and set fire to some. But slowly their power waned and they did not have the resources to keep simultaneously destroying a quarter of all the farms. So, they slowly left farm after farm, without fixing any of the things they had destroyed. Consequently, some of the animals from the farms they had destroyed migrated to their now wealthy, powerful farm. Over the years they became animals from farms all over the animal world - farms they had destroyed and others - were now invading their farm to work and live and adopt it as their new home. And because the animals that came from other places worked cheaply, the animals originally from the farm became lazy and refused to do any jobs like cleaning or serving or transporting animals from one places to the other. Suddenly, now, they panicked and claimed that they had too many foreign animals on their farm and needed to kick them all out, forgetting that they once, without invitation, invaded a quarter of all farms. 

And White continued to manage his health, having just returned from the veterinarian.

And Fayourshit continued to complain about his seized stolen property. 

And White’s genocidal farm hand continued to harass animals in the east of the farm.

And the souls of the bats massacred by the genocidal Dick-Tai cried out for justice. 

And associates of White continued to watch him closely preparing for any eventuality and positioning themselves to take over. 

And farm hands of White began to steal grains recovered from animals who had once stolen grains. 

And Whitists continued to worship White, day and night, praying at intervals:

“Oh White teach us how to save and multiply our resources like your farm hand Dick-Tai.”

WHITE WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS

And it came about that White made the trip to the veterinarian to look into his anal problem occurring especially after the second push. While he was receiving very expensive care from skilled veterinarians, he kept one eye on the farm, not handing over to his docile deputy Sinbad, who for the most part was content with leading Whitist praise worship sessions. 

As White’s rectum got invaded and thoroughly examined, his farm hands made certain changes to the way grains were priced and decided that instead of forcing animals to exchange grains at a certain value, the cost of grains would be determined by market forces. White often let his farm hands make the difficult announcements while he was away, like when he increased the price of water through his farm hand Na Ci Ku. He could just not bring himself to doing the exact opposite of what he had sworn he would never do: remove subsidies on water and allow the price of grains be determined by demand and supply. Whitists had the unenviable task of eating their words after attacking and killing animals who disagreed with White, only to have White backtrack and do the exact opposite. They did not even show any shame. They only said when challenged: “White works in mysterious ways.”

This trip of White was not like the last though. He really felt at home with the veterinarians. In fact, farm hands and friends made the long trip to the faraway farm where the veterinary hospital was to visit him. White even sent letters to the farm from there as though he was a foreign farm manager.

“I could govern the farm from here,” White told a junior farm hand of his. “It is better here: there are veterinary doctors, there is no darkness, no wild dogs blow up water pipelines and I do not need a hundred animals to protect me here. It is great.”

Two close allies of White, both of whom had intentions of running the farm someday were among those who went to visit him. They said they were going to check on their perfect leader and spent considerable amounts on the journey. They smiled and took photos with White and upon returning, assured the farm animals that although White looked frail and was in hospital to make his anus less painful, he was hale and hearty. Some animals whispered that those two only wanted to see for themselves what state White was in, as they planned to position themselves in the event that he became too frail to lead the farm. 

As White was being fixed by the veterinarians from the inside out, some members from the committee of animals whose job it was to check the powers of White were also travelling outside the farm. They were put up in very comfortable animal quarters in the big farm they visited. One of them, a pig from the north of the farm, while settling in, asked for one of the helpers to bring him some water. As the animal, a lamb brought in the water, he got instantly aroused and asked the lamb to lie down for just one minute. The lamb refused and the pig grabbed the lamb and began to mount the lamb before the lamb was able to escape and report to the animals in charge of the animal quarters. A second pig and member of the committee asked at the reception if there were any female pigs in the area who would take some grains in exchange for some mounting, an act which was illegal in this large farm. As both pigs returned to the farm, the leader of the big farm they had just visited wrote a petition and asked that something be done about these committee members who instead of working were looking for other animals to mount. 

In response, the pigs claimed that it was not an offence to mount other animals and that no pig should be made to feel bad because of the needs imposed on it by the length of its orgasms. “There is a reason pigs need a long time to orgasm,” the first of the accused pigs said. “In fact,” the second pig added, “in our farm, mounting animals passing by is no big deal. We do it and get away with it everyday. Why should it be different just because we travelled? The animals should have just enjoyed us and showed gratitude that we were even interested in mounting them.”

And more gangs of wild dogs began organising themselves to blow up water pipes in the marshlands.

And darkness continued to cover the face of the farm.

And White’s genocidal farm hand Dick-Tai continued to operate by killing animals who stood in his way, more now in the east of the farm.

And all the animals on the farm completely forgot the hundreds of bats that were massacred and buried by the genocidal Dick-Tai.

And certain animals continued to make speculations about the health of White and whether he could carry on leading the farm for three more years.

And some associates of White continued planning on how to replace White in the event that he was unable to continue leading the farm. 

And White continued to receive visitors and write letters to his farm from his bed far, far away. 

And the worshippers of White continued to sing and chant praises to White even after he changed his mind about some policies and left them looking foolish. 

AN ANAL PROBLEM

And it came to pass that after many days of pretending and struggling to walk straight, White finally admitted that in the quiet moments when he went into the bushes to answer the call of nature, he felt extreme pain, especially after the second push. Always after the second push the contractions would reveal themselves causing a sharp pain in the anus.

White sat with his farm hands talking about how they would handle the spread of this information especially as non worshippers of White had begun shamelessly spreading rumours about his health. This became all the more important because now, he had to travel to see a veterinarian in a farm far far away. And worse, in public, people could hear him scream each time he went to relieve himself, right after the second push. 

His farm hands deliberated and argued over the wording of the statement. Some of them were of the opinion that while the fact of an ailment should be mentioned, they should not be too specific, perhaps even changing the type of ailment altogether. Others wanted no mention of an ailment at all, stating that White should simply say he was leaving the farm for some unspecified diplomatic mission. A few were of the opinion that White should just mention it and silence the disloyal non-worshippers. Once you mention it, they argued, the animals will have even more sympathy with White and will revere him eternally for being honest. The farm hands who wanted to change the nature of the illness argued that most animals, especially worshippers of White, were of the opinion that White did not answer the call of nature, that he was too White and holy for that, that he was a god among animals, that he had no animal weaknesses like pain after the second push.

While they were deliberating, animals began to speculate loudly and the farm hands quickly decided to downplay the nature of the ailment. They published the information about White’s imminent veterinarian visit as follows:

White, first of his name, commander of the faithful, holy of holies, first among animals who has neither defect nor ailment is desirous of making a public statement to his faithful worshippers. He wants them to know that he feels what they feel. He wants them to know that he knows what they know about pain and suffering. Consequently, White will go to a foreign farm to rest and reflect on how to perfect his mission of making gold and diamonds sprout from the ground. While resting he will visit a specialist for the grooming of his tail, the grooming of which has been difficult in recent times. Only because he is busy attending to his followers. Only because he is busy making sure that gold and diamonds sprout from the ground and all animals have orgasms the length of pigs. Because all animals deserve thirty minute orgasms. Except White. For White is no mortal animal in need of worldly pleasures. 

As they groomed him in preparation for his visit to the veterinarian, White reminded his farm hands to be diligent in protecting the faith of Whitism and to be wary of animal saboteurs. And they all swore on their lives and the lives of their children that they defend his right to go and rest at a time when the farm was falling to pieces. They swore they would defend his not having a veterinarian on the farm who could treat a simple issue such as pain in the anal cavity (after the second push). They swore they would give examples of other farm managers who had to leave their farms to veterinarians on other farms far away. But most of all they would be sure to accuse all who accused White of mismanaging the farm of collusion with the previous corrupt administration of Goodhead. 

And all the Whitist worshippers said prayers for White.

And farm hands, led by workers of Dick-Tai continued to suppress protests across the farm by killing animals.

And the animals on the farm totally forgot the issue of the hundreds of bats who were buried by Dick-Tai.

And food became scarcer and scarcer.

And wild dogs continued to blow up the water pipes in the marshlands.

And wild wolves, brothers of White continued to retaliate across the farm, freely.

And the farm hands worked overtime singing hymns and reminding animals how lucky they were to have White. 

And White lay on his bed in a farm far far away, dreaming of a land sprouting gold and diamonds and hoping that his anus would heal quickly and that he could safely go beyond the second push. 

A FARM PRAYER

A curfew was declared and all the animals were summoned and a farm hand stood on a pedestal opposite White who sat on his throne. And the farm hand made all the animals repeat after him:

In the name of the White father

And of his deputy son

and of the holy Whitist worshippers 

Bless us father for we are about to sin.

We are about to sin because we are about to think

We are about to think because we are mortal 

and weak 

and curious.

Our weakness is about to be betray us

and tell us to as questions

Like why you have cancelled your trips to the different animal quarters

Like why your loyal deputy and son Sinbad Joe 

went to the marshlands instead of you

Why he represented you outside the farm…

But we are loyal and hate to sin

So we will not let our weakness betray us

We feel the questions coming on 

when we see you wince in pain

we lowly animals wonder

why a Wolf so white and fierce

so beautiful

so holy

can succumb to low feelings like pain

or how

how you are like us

who hurt

who age

who can be wrong

But we will not let those questions take root

We see it for what it is:

gangrene that will spread

and cause disloyalty. 

We are not disloyal

We are not disloyal

We are not disloyal

You are not in pain

You do not age

You wince to show that you can be like us

But you are higher than us

Forgive us White for we have sinned 

We have not killed the animals who question you

We have only screamed at them 

Threatened them

Mocked them

We have not found the energy

that we have for our gods

to find and kill any who insult them

to behead any animal, sheep or swan

that dares defecate where ouR gods sleep

that dares question the shape of our gods’ bodies

for the sculptures that the gods inhabit are not gods but mere holders of holiness

so it does not matter if they have ugly noses

But dear White,

We will

We will find the strength to behead traitors

Because a dead animal is better than a disloyal one. 

Forgive us White for all our sins.

For wanting you to fulfil your promises

For allowing question in our heads

about your whereabouts and the pain in your side 

For entertaining this sin

For not rooting it out as soon as it rears it’s disloyal head

We know dear White,

We know you will do everything

Make the pipes flow with milk and honey

Defeat the wild dogs blowing up water pipes

Make the cost of grains on the farm stable

Make the bats who threaten you disappear

Advice slaughtered animals to be more careful next time

Deal with the darkness all across the farm

and deal with the fucking animals who do not worship you.

We end dear White, with our usual prayer:

In the name of the White father

And of the farm hands

And of the holy Whitists…

Bless us White for we have sinned

Bless our thoughts

Bless our desires

Bless our intentions

Blessed be thy name

Thy will be done in every quarter among every animal species

Teach us to love your will

Teach us to be teachable

Teach us to trust your will even when your will may not be clear

Teach us to defend your will before it becomes your will

For thine are the decisions, the thoughts and the glory

For as long as you choose to be farm leader

Amen