THE CRIMINALS ON WHITE’S FARM

For the first time since White began to visit other farms, he officially announced that his nearly invisible deputy, a squirrel named Sin Bad Jo, would be in charge of the farm for the one week that he would be away on a farm that had good veterinarians. Sin Bad Jo was a nickname he got growing up when he would always tell his friends who wanted to go steal groundnuts in farms, that he would not join them because “sin is bad jo”. 

Sin Bad Jo was delighted because for the first time since he became White’s deputy, people could see and hear him. Being called acting farm manager was nice, even though he knew that in reality he was just a squirrel with no real power. 

And as he walked on his hind legs around the farm, Whitist priests carried on their prayer and supplications for their real farm manager. 

There were now seminaries where young animals were taught how to become Whitist priests. At the opening of one Whitist seminary, a Whitist priest gave a welcome address to the newly admitted student-priests: 

“I welcome you in the holy name of White, who can do no wrong, whose only defect is the pain in his side, which if you really think of it is not a defect at all. White is no follower of a human religion but there is something we can learn from human religions like Christianity. If you think of the foremost follower of Christ, Paul, who wrote most of the books in the new testament of the Bible, and whose words form much of the foundation of Christianity today, he too had a thorn in his flesh. And what was the purpose of that thorn? Well I will not speak for Paul. He said in 2 Corinthians 12: 7: ‘there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me-- to keep me from exalting myself!’ So, the pain in the side of White is just to keep him from exalting himself. And if you think of it, it is our job as Whitists to exalt White, to show his holiness to all animals and affirm his infallibility. And as the Hausa say: Allah ne kawai ya rage ma aya zaki. Think if White had no pain. He would have been too perfect for us, too pure, too white. God has deliberately reduced the perfection of White so he can walk among us mortal animals.” 

Meanwhile, just before seeing the veterinarian, White gave a speech at the farm he had visited, denouncing his animals that lived on that farm, calling them thieves, wild animals and criminals. 

“My animals go to other farms to cause havoc,” he said. “And I apologise on behalf of my criminal animals. I promise you dear foreign animals that I will deal with my animals and make sure they leave your lands and come back home where I can discipline them properly. Sometimes, when you have children who steal meat from the pot, you must dip their fingers in hot water for them to learn a lesson. And I have told my squirrel to prepare hot water.”

Upon hearing this, the animals on White’s farm were incensed that White would call them all criminals especially when they were doing great things both on his farm and on other farms. In fact, the same week that White had criminalized all the animals on his farm, one animal was on the lips of people for doing great things. There was a beaver that built sophisticated rafts as well as vehicles for land transportation of animals. White did not talk of the beaver when he spoke to foreigners. He did not talk of the beautiful peacocks on his farm. He did not talk of his animals that excelled in other farms. He chose to talk about how bad his farm was. And the other farm managers just stared at him, knowing they could never visit a foreign farm and begin talking about how bad their farm was. But White did what White wanted to do. 

Every month that passed, finding food became harder and harder. And to defend the bad state of food supply, Whitists reminded every one of Goodhead and how Goodhead plundered the farm. Whitists refused to talk about the fact that farm hands could do nothing without direct orders from White and every one was afraid to act confidently because while they had positions, they had no authority. Whitists did not talk about the fact that, months after, no one cared about the bats that were either dead or missing or buried in mass graves by White’s genocidal farm hand, Dick-Tai.

As White returned from visiting the veterinarians, he took back power from his deputy squirrel, Sin Bad Jo. And the Whitist priests rejoiced and welcomed him home, assuring him that he was right to insult his animals when he went to foreign farms. They called it tough love. And they prayed:

In the name of the White father

And of the farm hands

And of the holy Whitists…

Bless us White for we have sinned

Bless our thoughts

Bless our desires

Bless our intentions

Blessed be thy name

Thy will be done in every quarter among every animal species

Teach us to love your will

Teach us to be teachable

Teach us to trust your will even when your will may not be clear

Teach us to defend your will before it becomes your will

For thine are the decisions, the thoughts and the glory

For as long as you choose to be farm leader

Amen.