THE BURDEN OF DARK SKIN

Comrade Adams Oshiomole, governor of Edo State, just remarried, five years after losing his first wife to cancer. His new bride is Lara Fortez a young, light skinned woman, from Cape Verde. Expectedly, Nigerians have formed committees to debate the motives behind this union. And I am very unhappy. I will tell you why. 

First off is that everyone seems to be implying that Adams Oshiomole does not deserve a beautiful wife. This is where, as a dark skinned person, it worries me deeply. The world we live in is rigged against dark skinned people.  Dark skinned people must work twice as hard as light skinned people in Nigeria to prove either their worth or their innocence. 

When was the last time you saw a very light-skinned Nigerian criminal? All the armed robbers that are paraded by the Nigerian police are usually dark skinned. Yes the SSS paraded the light-skinned Kabiru Sokoto, but they did him the courtesy of buying him a brand new t-shirt after they caught him hiding. When they paraded him before journalists, his face showed no signs of being tortured. So also the light-skinned alleged mastermind of the Nyanya bombing, Aminu Ogwuche. No swollen face or beating. Just stress from the long flight after being arrested. And the dark skinned law enforcement officers looked sorry about it. If either Kabiru Sokoto or Aminu Ogwuche were dark skinned, they would have been shirtless and sitting on the floor with a split lip or swollen eye. That is why I always advice dark-skinned people to avoid crime. Because they will be the first to be caught. And when they get caught, no one will feel bad about giving them a thorough, visible beating.

So, now, in the minds of Nigerians, because Oshiomole is dark-skinned, he must have seduced Ms Fortez with his wealth? Why is he considered so ugly? Is it his nose? Oshiomole has a much smaller and better nose than former Cross River Governor, Donald Duke but the latter is always considered good looking because he is light-skinned. (And you will agree with me that a good nose is crucial to a good face.) If Donald Duke had married Lara Fortez, Nigerians would have been drooling, calling them “lovely couple” and praying to all the deities in Nigeria to give them happiness and children as beautiful as they are.  A dark-skinned person in Nigeria is ugly until proven otherwise. 

There are many reasons why Lara could have fallen in love with Adams. First, I am told by a reliable source that he knows how to “treat a lady”. I do not know what that means exactly and as a child of God, I will not ask for details. But it is good enough that people say that about him. Also, Adams has very visible eyes. Eyes are not my thing, but I know for a fact that some people are deep into eyes. For those people, once a person’s eyes are on point, they fall in love. Lara might just be one of those people. And if she is, good for her!

Lara might also be a sapiosexual. Someone who is attracted to intelligence. Have you listened to Adams give a speech? The man is an orator. For sapiosexuals, intelligence is the most sexually attractive feature and Lara might have sat down one day at a dinner and listened to Adams relate how he governs Edo State and makes sure he pays workers salaries on time and thought, oh my God, I love this man! If so, Lara is a sensible woman who knows the important things in life. She will go very far. 

Lara may have fallen in love with dress sense. By that I mean his brown shirts. You see, not many people can wear those brown khaki shirts continuously and still look attractive. She may have admired that as a sign of consistency and dedication. He has been wearing those brown shirts for decades now. As a committed comrade, she knows that he will bring that sense of commitment to the marriage. Sometimes all you need is consistency. See where consistency got General Buhari? You can never go wrong with consistency. 

I once saw a CNN article that listed Nigeria as one of the countries with the sexiest accents in the world. Granted, CNN can’t even locate Nigeria on a map, but there must be some truth in that. Maybe Lara heard Adams' accent and thought, oh my God, listen to that strong, loud, sexy Nigerian accent. I know, because the same thing happens to me with Irish accents. I remember once taking a tour of the Berlin wall and getting lost because I was following a bunch of Irish tourists who were speaking loudly. Thank God for Google maps that helped me find my way back. Europe is not a place for a dark-skinned person to be lost.

My point is, there are a million reasons why Lara would fall in love with Adams. It is hypocritical of Nigerians who only recently, chose a light-skinned presidential candidate over a dark-skinned one to be pointing fingers at Adams for going after a light-skinned woman.

Ps. As I pray for God to bless my dark-skinned hustle, I am looking for my own light-skinned woman who can love me for who I am. Or at least for my fabulous t-shirts, my height or my solid, dark eyes. Because money, I don’t have. In the words of my friend Chioma: I am still a struggling writer. 

But if I find her, I promise to treat her right.