JONATHAN NEEDS MORINGA

I have been thinking this week about health. My health. The health of my partner. The health of the nation. I know that Sydney J Harris said that "those obsessed with health are not healthy; the first requisite of good health is a certain calculated carelessness about oneself." But then Mr Sydney was married twice. And while I have nothing against people who don’t succeed in marriage, what’s to say this isn’t another of his mistakes? You see why I don’t really trust his opinion?

 
Increasingly, Nigerians are realising that prevention is better than care, because Nigeria has no [health]care. Even with magic practicing men of God, miracles are becoming increasingly unreliable in cases of serious illness. Thus, in the absence of a healthcare system, smart Nigerians choose one (or more) of three paths to avoid ailments: rely on the power of the holy spirit through anointed miracle performing men of God for a rock solid immune system, preventative use of the many natural concoctions sold by Asian companies (which double as wealth creation experts through pyramid schemes), or have worshipful reliance on whatever miracle herb is rumoured to be in vogue.

This week, Kema Chikwe, the indefatigable National Women Leader of the soon to be defeated ruling party, demonstrated just how the first path works. To solve issues affecting the health of the nation, particularly that of the abducted girls of Chibok, she gathered the women of the PDP for a meeting tagged Women's Christian and Muslim Prayer Session for the Security and Unity of the Nation. I am not sure why she pleaded with the school authorities to release the names and pictures of the abducted girls. Perhaps some gods like to see who their clients are. But I don't like to challenge things said in the presence of God. It is bad karma and I cannot afford that so close to the elections that will see me become President. So I will just thank Kema for involving God in the matter. After all, with God, all things that should be done by the Nigerian government are possible.

The second path doesn’t really do much apart from turn you into an evangelist winning financial souls for some Asian high up on the pyramid. It is the third path that really interests me. Persons taking the third path have to be on their toes. Because you don't want to be doing aloe vera when everyone has upgraded to quail eggs or moringa.

I would say from my preliminary research that Nigerians are in moringa phase. I am happy for all those who have upgraded accordingly. For those who haven't and are still trapped in the aloe vera or garlic hustle, I just want to say as a responsive and responsible soon to be leader: wake up and smell the moringa.

 
Moringa, like all the other wonder plants which have reigned before it, is rumoured to cure and prevent every illness known to one's enemies or those seeking to truncate one's hustle through a virtual delivery of sickness. Every Nigerian knows the role of enemies in ill health- how wicked people draft hideous organisms in their battle against people they don't like. Especially workmates and neighbours who don't worship where one worships.

 
But moringa goes steps further. Everything on the moringa plant performs magic: leaves, flowers, pods, seeds, roots, bark, gum and oil. One website lists the following medical values: antitumor, antipyretic, anti-epileptic, anti-inflammatory, anti-ulcer, anti-spasmodic, anti-hypertensive, antioxidant, anti-diabetic, anti-bacterial, anti-fungal, cardiac and circulatory stimulant, diuretic, hepato-protective, cholesterol lowering, improving quality of breast milk, de-wormer, STDs, boils...OK, let me not bore you. Let us just say the only thing not on that list is anti-death.

 
At a time when this country is going up in flames, this country needs moringa. And because a president needs to be ahead in terms of whatever is trending, Jonathan needs to get with the program. He needs moringa for its anti-hypertensive qualities at least. As the person taking all the heat for every new low Nigeria sinks to, it would be a miracle if he does not succumb to hypertension. We cannot have a hypertensive president. That is why when I become president I will push for a law mandating all public officers holding sensitive positions to use moringa twice a day. Violators will be punished with a life sentence.

Even Boko Haram needs moringa because I understand they are angry with our government. Constant anger can cause hypertension. I am just putting it out there guys. Moringa works.

While I will continue on the campaign trail to talk about the magical qualities of this plant, I call on all those who have the love of the country at heart to beg Jonathan to try moringa. Hint: Show you love your president- as part of Democracy Day celebrations on May 29, send Jonathan a moringa product gift, whether in powder form, juice, smoothie, or salad.

 
On my part, my pledge to you dear supporters is this: As for me and my household, we shall use moringa.