ONE HUNDRED YEARS A SLAVE

Nigeria is 100 years old. I think if Nigerians think of this it makes a bit of sense why the country is like the many failing body parts of a 100 year old human. Enemies of my political campaign reading this article may try to contradict me citing the age of functional countries far older than Nigeria as proof of the senselessness of my statement. All I will say to my enemies is that, they don’t know Nigeria like I do. The DNA of Nigeria is different from the DNA of other countries. Its genes are closer to those of humans, so that the older it grows, the worse it becomes. So why do I want to be president in 2015? Because I bring healing to the table. A healing that goes to the DNA of this crawling nation. 

First let me just say to Goodluck that I have heard how his centenary committee mistakenly omitted my name from the list of 100 to be honored. My name was supposed to be somewhere between colonialist Lord Lugard (and his mistress-turned-wife Flora who allegedly whispered the name Nigeria to him on a warm night just after intercourse) and ace soldier and dictator Sani Abacha. People make mistakes, so I understand. However, so that I save Goodluck’s people from the stress of rewriting and reissuing the list, I want to say that I reject the award in advance of making it to the list. So yes, there is no need to drop Patience Ozokwor, aka Mama G, from the list. The reason for this is simple. Ebele Jonathan cannot be ignoring my Whatsapp messages and then use a roundabout way to invite me to a party. Reply my messages, apologise to me, then maybe I will consider it. 

As future president though, I have a problem with the composition of the centenary awards list. In addition to imperialists and colonialists like the Queen of England and Lord Lugard, and dictators like Sani Abacha, there are many others who also deserve the awards. I would add the following two names to that list:

Lawrence Anini: This man like deserves to be on the list. First, he is almost identical to some persons on that list. Take Sani Abacha for example. Anini stole money. Abacha stole money. Anini had a formidable gang. Abacha had a formidable gang led by Major Hamza. Anini gave Nigerians much to talk about. Abacha gave Nigerians much to talk about. Anini died. Abacha died. In fact to add to all of these, Anini was famous for giving a part of his loot away to market women before zooming off into oblivion, something the bespectacled Abacha didn’t. Also, Anini provided entertainment for millions of Nigerians, many of whom bought newspapers for the first time when Anini was caught. God bless saint Lawrence Anini.

Adolf Hitler: Now this may seem way off, but considering we are giving one of our slave masters, Queen Elizabeth an award, we might as well consider Adolf. Here is why: Adolf lost the Second World War and killed himself. Think if Adolf had won. We might have all been speaking German instead of English. Do you know what I love you is in German? Ich liebe dich, both occurrences of ‘ch’ having a slightly guttural sound. It sounds like something screamed by an army commander during battle. Think of going through life having to cough out Ich liebe dich when you are in love. This would have greatly diminished our national love life and libido, leading to a reduced population. We may never have become the giant of Africa. Hilter deserves an award for losing, taking himself out of global politics and saving our love lives and bedrooms from guttural noises.

Something sad happened this week. Nigerians showed just how heartless they are. A certain Presidential aide by the name of Reno Omokri sent out a document to media organizations accusing Sanusi ‘Bowtie’ Lamido Sanusi of many things from murder to being a sponsor of Boko Haram. However the Presidential aide sent it using the pseudonym Wendell Simlin. At first no one knew who Wendell was until investigations revealed that Wendell Simlin was actually Reno Omokri. What did Nigerians on Twitter do? Instead of sympathizing with Reno they attacked him viciously. I want to state that Multiple Personality Disorder is real. I have been researching it since Reno Omokri was born again as Wendell Simlin. Although Multiple Personality Disorder is an extremely rare mental disorder, it is serious and is connected to a history of severe physical and/or sexual abuse and trauma. What Wendell needs is sympathy. He may have suffered trauma and abuse as a child. We do not know how long he has had to live with these two personalities. All we know is that this Presidential aide has a dominant Reno personality, occasionally disrupted by the meddlesome and interloping Wendell. He needs our love. He needs help. Not condemnation. 

There is something worthy of note happening in Nigeria. Since Sanusi’s suspension, many bad things have been happening. The Emir of Kano had to be flown abroad for medical treatment. Fuel queues have suddenly appeared. The carrots in my fridge have gone bad. I got a rejection note from a publisher. My ingrown hair bumps have become worse on my jaw and neck. Sanusi needs to be stopped from causing all these problems. I do not know what Ebele has in mind to do to him, but it needs to be done quickly. 

Ps. I watched the centenary fireworks on Thursday night with tears in my eyes. Apart from the fact that the celebrations, which normally should have involved the Nigerian masses, only caused them hardship by blocking roads leading out of Abuja city, the entire celebrations were a sad reflection of the insensitivity of the Nigerian government. Only this week dozens of school boys were beheaded in a Federal Government College in Yobe. This is apart from the hundreds who died last week in Borno and the 20 school girls who were abducted. That we pop champagne so loudly over the dead bodies of people massacred in Yobe, Borno, and Adamawa is nothing short of a national disgrace.