Because I Care #34
It is hard to stay ahead in politics. Just when you think you have it all figured out, just when you think you have a lead and all the people love you, your opponent will spring a surprise that will leave you on all fours, panting. That is the position in which I write this article.
At a time when my soon-to-be-predecessor’s rating are lowest, when it is common knowledge how corrupt public officials are and when nothing works, Mr. Jonathan in total disregard for the principles of fair play bypasses all of us and takes his game straight to Jesus. With pain in my heart I watched how he knelt down in Israel in the tomb of Jesus with the hands of the leader of the Christian wing of the PDP, Ayo Oritsejafor over him. I don’t know why, but every time I see Ayo I think of a tout who has had an emergency haircut and new clothes because he needs to meet with the Governor or Local Government Chairman. I am sure it has nothing to do with his role in this government. I shouldn’t be having such thoughts about a man of God. Get behind me Satan!
Mr. Jonathan has breached the rules. I think the Electoral Act needs a new amendment to prevent people bringing prophets and gods into the race. It should read: “no candidate shall enlist any superhuman variable into the race, whether by kneeling at the tomb of a god or that of a prophet, in Nigeria or out of Nigeria.”
How can one respond to that- the man went to the tomb of Jesus himself. He knows that in spite of the fact that my first name is Hebrew/Jewish, I think the State of Israel runs a system akin to apartheid and that they treat their Arabs and non-Jews like lepers. Worse still they oppress their weaker Palestinian brothers. I have said this in public and Jonathan knows there is no way Israel will give me a visa even if I wanted to also commune with Jesus. Why he chooses to befriend Israel beats me. This is why if I can overcome this setback and have God bless my presidential hustle I will sever all ties with the Apartheid State of Israel. I will end all Israeli Security contracts and limit our relations to the most basic diplomatic communication. And yes, I will keep my Jewish name because my problem is not with Jews but with the State of Israel that takes pride in oppressing other people the same way they were once oppressed. One would think with their history of sorrow and pain, they would have more empathy within their borders. Israel can keep its visa.
So Princess Oduah has told the House of Representatives that the armoured cars whose purchase she approved at 255milllion naira were not for her use. I believe her. That Joe that works for her who came out to issue a statement about her needing protection and all that is an agent of her enemies. I hope she has sacked him. See how a person’s aides can put one in trouble. That is how I will employ an aide who will go and confess on my behalf that I am a homosexual. God forbid evil things. All my aides will undergo a lie detector test as well as an Okija shrine test to see if they are agents of my enemies who will one day disgrace me in public. Thankfully Princess Oduah has done the needful by clearing the air and telling us that the armoured cars are for foreign dignitaries. There is wisdom in this. We do not want to start a war with a country when some senseless terrorist kills their leader in a hold up in Lagos or Abuja. Imagine the Prime Minister of Pakistan coming and getting shot in Nigeria. We could never withstand the Pakistani army. Have you seen them marching? Please join me in thanking Princess Oduah for those armoured vehicles for foreign dignitaries. All I ask is that when these dignitaries come here, they should drop something for fuel. You know how BMWs guzzle fuel. I will insist on this as president.
Just for the record, the committee on the National Conference is still going round the country collecting memoranda and listening to Nigerians on suggestions for the proposed conference. To support my candidacy, please attend a hearing near you and make a case for independent candidacy. Don’t sit in your house and say I will vote for Elnathan, I support Elnathan, I have faith in Elnathan bla bla bla. Faith without works is like serving your visiting in-laws soup without meat. Add meat to my soup: support my presidency with works today.
Finally, I hope that my soon-to-be-predecessor will not take credit for the solar eclipse that will take place in various cities around Nigeria from around 12.50 this afternoon. That will not be fair. Because it is the prayers of men like us that made it possible.
Ps. I don’t know the protocol for this. But I wish you all a blissful eclipse.