Sunday, August 4, 2013


Politicians are like monkeys. The higher they climb, the more revolting are the parts they expose- GWILYM LLOYD GEORGE.
This week the Peoples Democratic Party set another record. Apart from being the largest political party in Africa and probably the most expensive party to run in Africa (understanding full well that money is the crack cocaine or Alomo of politics), it made history by being the first corporate entity to congratulate the APC on its registration by INEC this week. God bless the PDP. If it were not that none of my clothes would match the colors of the party, I might have considered running for president there. It is unfair to those watching to have colors rioting during an election campaign. So I hinge my candidacy on the hope that the National Assembly will be sensible and approve independent candidacy in the ongoing constitutional amendment.
It is also encouraging seeing the names showing up on the APC train: IBB, Ahmed ‘13’ Yerima, Tom Ikimi, Femi Fani Kayode. I like how APC is like religion- a forgiving place for ex-sinners. In this case ex-PDP, an Association of PDP Converts.  It will be an interesting race is all I can say. Much like a party where a divorced couple show up at a party with their new lovers. As an independent candidate this can only work to my advantage, so that while the ex-lovers battle for supremacy, the public can see that there is viable alternative: my humble self.
This week Zimbabwe went to the polls. My secret desire to one day meet Mugabe who took power around when I was born may just come to pass. His Zanu PF party took the day in polls that the AU under the leadership of General Obasanjo declared to be free and honest. Obasanjo deserves a Nobel Prize for free elections. He introduced us to the man who conducted the freest election in Nigeria since Abiola’s win in 1993- Goodluck Jonathan. Here is why the Zimbabwean elections are very significant: for the first time in a long time, Zanu PF recognized the need to respect the will of the rest of Africa to rig elections without violence or bloodshed. So they took their time to create over a hundred thousand voters on the register whose age was above 100 and other such inventive techniques. This is progress. It is better than brute force. Now they can fall back to that time tested African democratic principle: Power Sharing.
I still want to know the secret of Mugabe’s full hair. I have said before that as president I would partner with him to find a cure for baldness. Mugabe at almost 120 shows no signs of losing hair. He can barely walk but the strands of hair on his head just won’t go anywhere. I don’t know what he drinks or eats or smokes. But by god, I will find out.
In the ten commandments of Moses, commandment number  eight reads: ‘Thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor.’ So those faulting Obasanjo’s free and honest conclusion must be out of their minds. I know General Obasanjo. He is a good Christian. I don’t envy his job in Zimbabwe. I see Obasanjo staring long and hard at Mugabe, thinking, how does this dude do it every time and still have a full head of hair? I couldn’t even get one extension!
Major Hamza Almustapha has been doing the rounds. Since his release, he has visited TB Joshua, the Governor of Kano, the leader of the Izala muslim group, and His Militant Highness, Alhaji Asari Dokubo. (I must praise Dokubo for being magnanimous and receiving a man from an ethnic group he has referred to as ‘invaders from Futa Djallon’. God bless Asari.) Enemies of Mr. Hamza’s hustle have expressed suspicion about his public visits. This is upsetting. If you were locked up for 15 years, would you not want to go round and visit all the people you have missed so badly? What is wrong with that? My only problem is that Mr. Hamza does not find me important enough to be visited. But come 2015, this will change. He will have to join a queue like every other person.
So Mr. Fashola angered a few citizens of Igbo extraction when he deported dozens of Igbos to the Upper Iweka bridge. First I want to say that Fashola should have done a DNA test to confirm that those destitutes were first of Igbo extraction and next of Anambra origin. It is hard to imagine destitutes in Lagos from the most industrious tribe on the continent. They must be foreigners, maybe Kikuyus pretending to be Igbos (I have heard that Igbos and Kikuyus have a lot in common). That said I am happy that Fashola is deporting people who constitute a security risk. I am sure he will deport all the drivers and agberos in Lagos. Because more people are killed on the roads and in motor parks in Lagos than die of cancer and typhoid fever put together.
In all of these reports this week, my argument for why you should vote for me in 2015 remains summarized in a quote by Robin Williams: Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed frequently, and for the same reason.
Dear Nigerians, let me be your new diaper, come 2015.
Ps. My resolve not to add to my carbon foot print by buying a generator is tested daily. Nigeria threatens to destroy my idealism. I am a hopeless environmentalist but then again, I need electricity. Heaven save me from Nigeria.


  1. Heaven save you from Nigeria

  2. My issue right now is there's no electricity and this computer's battery is about running out. I intend spending the better part of the next few hours on here. Great job, man.

  3. As a member of the Kikuyu tribe I take great offence at this post. I would like to state for the record that we do not share a common ancestry with the Igbos (who the hell are they anyway)....we are related to a far more superior tribe....the Jews!!!! (oh yeah baby!!!)

    1. So ... How do you explain the tan? Did you perhaps extend your wandering by another 40 days and 40 nights?


You fit vex, bet abeg no curse me. You hear?