Sunday, June 2, 2013


*Because I care #16

Rotimi Amaechi,
Chairman, Nigerian Governors Forum
NGF Secretariat,
Abuja, Nigeria

cc Jonah Jang
The Other Chairman, Nigerian Governors Forum
New NGF Secretariat,
Abuja, Nigeria

Dear Sir(s),
My biggest problem was who to put first in the address section above and who to cc. Let me assure you guys that the order of the addresses in no way reflects my political leanings. If I got it wrong then from the bottom of my careless heart, I apologize. I would have written two letters but I am a recently converted environmentalist trying desperately to reduce my carbon footprint- more letters means more paper and more paper means more dead trees and god forbid that I contribute to the destruction of this planet. The bearer of this letter will pass it between you. 

I must begin by congratulating you on your recent electoral victory. It is not every time that one sees two winners from one election. Really, these nosy journalists are making much ado about nothing. If you let these journalists, (and worse the sleazy bloggers online) they will cause quarrels and separations between friends and lovers. The country is big enough for two Chairmen. I was only wondering if one of you could move his secretariat down south, for ease of access. Think of it, you will become like the Court of Appeal, different divisions across the country, but one jurisdiction. 

About that election, they say one of you got 16 votes and the other 19. The numerals 9 and 6 can be confusing because one is the other upside down. So I can’t even comment on that matter. Anyway, the purpose of this letter is to introduce myself to you both as the presidential aspirant who will succeed Goodluck Jonathan come 2015 and to share some thoughts with you. By the way, I hope you both are doing well, especially as I notice Rotimi has grown lean since this whole saga began. If so, doxology!

Another quick thing, Rotimi, have you really considered the possibility that you may have inadvertently made passes at madam and she is offended? You know how sometimes you talk plenty and quickly, perhaps when you were speaking to Her Excellency you said ‘maybe’ and she heard ‘baby’ and someone went and told His Excellency? There has to be a reason for all oga’s aggression. Maybe you should calm down and just ask. I am not saying you are proud or anything, but just swallow your pride and ask. 

Now this midterm report thing that Goodluck did, I didn’t quite get the marking scheme. I hear it is like 234 pages long. I can't find it anywhere. I keep asking the guys hawking in hold-ups if they have it but they say, they have never even heard of it. Honestly, I will ban trading in traffic when I become president.  

I wonder how much they paid Jesse Jackson. The thing is though, if I was in his shoes, treated to all that Abuja luxury, I too will say Nigeria is on the right course and that Jonathan has unequaled transparency and even add a halleluiah to that. 

I was just thinking, this week the House of Representatives did a voice vote in favor of the anti-same sex marriage bill. Baba Jang, what do you think? I am asking because as president come 2015 the burden of implementing it will be mine if Goodluck signs it into law. One thing is clear, and I must commend the House of Representatives for this, that it takes a lot of courage to take gay sex seriously when the country is burning. I commend them for taking time out of their busy schedules to devote time to the sexual lives of Nigerians. Because as you know gay people are really the problem with this country- you can trace every evil in this country to lesbian and anal sex, everything from blackouts to insecurity. Bloody gays.

Now, to the details of the bill, because, the devil they say sits there in the details eating point-and-kill pepper soup. The law says that any ‘public show of same sex amorous relationship’ will be punished with many years in prison. This confused me at first, especially as there is no definition for that long phrase which I will call PSSSAR. I clearly remember Obasanjo holding hands with a certain US President. Is that PSSSAR? Can I make the law take retroactive effect? Also if you send two men to jail for befriending each other, what should I do if they continue their relationship in prison, where I hear such relationships are rife? Obasanjo has been to jail before, he should know. Does any of you have his number? Is he back from endorsing Sule Lamido yet? 

Rotimi, I am not one who believes in rumours or talking behind someone’s back. So I will ask you to your face: Who printed those posters of you and Sule Lamido for 2015? If it is you, why do you want to complicate your already precarious position? If not why didn’t you come out and clearly say it is the work of your enemies, trying to truncate your hustle? I think you should be supporting my presidency, not challenging it. Sule Lamido is a dangerous man. Why do I say so? Apart from that wicked diagonal tribal mark he has, he spends too much time trawling Facebook. I love Facebook. And I love the fact that we can say anything we want there. Not too long ago, on January 19 last year, a man was detained for 10 days for insulting Sule on Facebook. Can you imagine that? Facebook is the one place you should feel safe talking bad about your boss, your stupid workmate who eats garlic, your ex-girlfriend who won’t return the earpiece you bought in London, your wife’s mother who stays longer than she says she will stay and your state governor. No one should take that away. Is that what you want, Rotimi? To kill Facebook and create a grumpy workforce and populace? Eh, Rotimi?

My hope for both of you is that you join my campaign (and for you Baba Jang, that you treat civil servants better and smile a bit more- one of my campaign slogans is: Adding Joy to Fresh Air.) It is the sensible thing to do. I wish you well. Again, for your victories I say, doxology!

Ehen, and before I forget, a happy belated Children’s Day to both of you.

Elnathan John
President-in-waiting, 2015
FCT, Nigeria.

Ps. I am just happy how the President says he will not probe Obasanjo. For this singular reason I won’t probe him when I become President. Or any of you for that matter. Because, I care.


  1. Each time I read you, I get more convinced that Nigeria and Sri Lanka are just two provinces of the same country, globally displaced for some inexplicable reason!


  2. LOOOOOL.....if so, doloxy!

    Wait....nothing much for Jang? Nothingham governor!!!

  3. Fact with humor, love this. Good one

  4. NGF 2013 constitution changed the name to NPGF and the P can send his votes via phone,email,voice or otherwise and shall be counted as 36 votes.I dey laff oooo.

  5. "Now, to the details of the bill, because, the devil they say sits there in the details eating point-and-kill pepper soup. .." Ha!

  6. Great! Adding joy to fresh air.....

  7. Great! Adding joy to fresh air.....

  8. Sheer magic with a pen, sorry laptop keys, succinctly captures the Nigerian situation.

  9. oooooh...the sarcasm! just killed it for me. am inspired by ur work

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You fit vex, bet abeg no curse me. You hear?