Sunday, March 31, 2013


*Because I Care series #7

This week has been relatively quiet on the home front. No shockers or mind boggling decisions taken with a straight face. No wicked people abusing our president. No gaffes or sex scandals. We praise god for this. It has given me the time to think of and concretize my foreign policy.

I will move from the known to the unknown. In my inaugural manifesto article, I said I would invade Switzerland. Those plans have not changed. Except that, now that my dear Swiss friend has told me (while gifting me an original Swiss army knife) that the average Swiss citizen has military training and bears arms, I will need to plan better. When I received news of Cyprus almost collapsing and all the trouble with their banks, I thought I would have to shelve plans of invading Switzerland, imagining, (like Obasanjo said of Sharia) it will die a natural (economic) death. But another friend suggested I was wrong. ‘There is still too much Nigerian money in Switzerland for their banks to collapse,’ she said. And this is what does my head in: Nigerian money keeping Switzerland afloat but I need to bleed through multiple orifices to get into Switzerland. That’s just not fair. 

The Chinese. I have big plans for those hardworking guys. They have moved here and they keep moving. They have given us everything from huge shiny phones with television, radio and really loud speakers to locomotive trains which take 30 hours to get to Lagos from Kano. I am glad this government has let the Chinese in. Some might suggest that this means more jobs for Chinese people in Nigeria but who cares. My trade with the Chinese, however, will be more robust. I plan to sell our biggest industry to the Chinese. The Chinese know manufacturing and Olympics and communism and ping pong and piracy but they do not know god. I will sell them god. Now you must be patient with me here.  Selling god to the Chinese may earn me protests but I am doing it for the good of the country. Think of the decongestion of church signboards at junctions and the end of megaphones and loudspeakers and hypocrisy. Think of how much power we would save, how many million generators we wouldn’t need. Think of Chinese televangelists- that would add colour to the world! Think of Chinese miracle-healing and crusades. Think, if we sold the Nigerian god to 1.3 billion Chinese people and add the copyright of phrases like, God willing, It is well, Na God and God dey. I could end poverty in the world with that kind of money and still have enough for private jets. I am teary-eyed just thinking of the possibilities. 

After looking at the list of approved haircuts by the North Korean government I can’t help but think of how useful such a list would have been in Nigeria when I see people like Denrele or Charlie Boy. Whatever happened to normal haircuts? I will bring in the North Koreans as consultants. I need to learn how to impose haircuts on a whole country of people. My list will not leave out naturally balding people. I care about them too. (Ps. I don’t mean to disparage the musician, but sometimes when I see Nneka's frazzled hair, I feel traumatized; an inordinate fear that some of her hair is going to fly into my eyes, grips me. I am not sure if the Americans have invented this illness yet.)

This weekend a friend drove me through a vulgar looking maximum-security-prison-style fortress in Abuja. When I asked, I was told it was the Brazilian Embassy. First I was offended. Only the Americans are allowed to be that vulgar. Then I made a mental note to send the Brazilians away as soon as I get sworn in as President. But then I thought of how much trade we do in hair from Brazil and how much sadness I would cause in the process. Because I care, instead of banning all things Brazilian, I will insist on two things: first, they move their embassy to a more friendly building and second that they start harvesting, and packaging Brazilian weaves here in Nigeria. With our massive consumption of Brazilian products we have earned those rights.

Mugabe. The one thing that really excites me about the man apart from his taut, shiny face, is his hair. As president I will partner with him to find a cure for baldness. You see, I am balding and I am not even 40 yet. Mugabe at almost 90 shows no signs of losing hair. He can barely walk but the strands of hair on his head just won’t go anywhere. I don’t know what he drinks or eats or smokes. But by god, I will find out. 

America. These guys I am not ashamed to beg. It takes wisdom to know which fights you can fight and which ones are pure foolishness. Chavez tried and was fairly successful. I know. But the Hausa say, wani ya yi rawa ya samu tafi, wani ya yi rawa ya samu mari meaning, while one person may dance and get applause, another may dance and receive a slap. I will not tempt fate. I will keep contributing our oil to the War on Terror. All I ask in response is, no US marines, killer drones or McDonalds in my country. I don’t think that is too much to ask. 

The Brits. I won’t worry about these guys. I'll just wait for India, Pakistan, the Yoruba and the Caribbean to take over that country. Then we'll talk.

Ps. I just want to say that I think the two coolest Heads of State are the beautiful Argentinean President (I refuse to believe she has had any work done on her face. I hope she is still in power when I am elected) and the Iranian President. What I like about Ahmadinejad is his halfway-between-rough-and-sexy, partially grey beard. And that he is not afraid to touch women outside Iran.

1 comment:

You fit vex, bet abeg no curse me. You hear?