Tuesday, August 25, 2015

INTERRACIAL MARRIAGE (PROHIBITION) ACT (2015)


An Act to prohibit marriages or civil unions between Nigerian males and white females and other matters related thereto.

Whereas the Federal Government of Nigeria has discovered the very American problem of decent, intelligent black men gravitating toward white women creeping slowly, imperceptibly into the Nigerian space
Whereas it is agreed by all well-meaning people that it will be a tragedy to end up with a situation where black Nigerian women cannot find partners and spouses among the pool of black Nigerian men:

1.        Marriage Contract or civil union entered between a Nigerian black male and a white female is hereby prohibited in Nigeria. It is not good.
(What do you want the black women to do with themselves?)
2.       Marriage Contract or civil union entered between a Nigerian black male and a white female by virtue of a certificate issued by a foreign country shall be void in Nigeria and any benefits accruing there from by virtue of the certificate shall not be enforced by any court of law in Nigeria. (We will not allow the West bring this bad unAfrican thing to our shores. )
3.   Marriage or civil union entered between a Nigerian black male and a white female shall not be solemnized in any place of worship either Church or Mosque or Shrine or Eckankar temple or Olumba Olumba (whatever they call their place of worship). Our religions uphold the right of black women to have black men.
4.     Only marriage contract between a Nigerian black male and a Nigerian black female is recognized as valid in Nigeria.
5.     The Registration of interracial clubs, societies and organisations, their sustenance, processions and meetings are hereby prohibited. (Why would anyone want to register such? Aren’t there real and urgent problems to form societies for like poverty and erectile dysfunction?)
6.      The public show of interracial amorous relationship directly or indirectly is hereby prohibited. (This is rubbing salt into the wound. It is bad enough that you are mocking single black women by your secret criminal interracial relationship but to make a show of interracial amorous relationship, ha, that one is aggravated assault on the psyche of black women.)
7.  Anyone engaged in the public show of interracial amorous relationship commits an offence attracting in the first instance a term of 14 years imprisonment and if repeated, forcible marriage (and consummation) with a black woman of the court’s choosing. 
8.     Persons that enter into an interracial marriage contract or civil union commit an offence and are jointly liable on conviction to a term of 14 years imprisonment each. The white woman will be deported and declared an enemy of the state. Any attempt by the said white woman to return will be treated as an act of war. (What is it with white women and our virile, circumcised men? Mtscheeuuw!)
8.      Any person who registers, operates or participates in interracial clubs, societies and organizations commits an offence and shall each be liable on conviction to a term of 10 years imprisonment.
9.      Any persons or group of persons that witnesses, abets and aids the solemnization of a interracial marriage or civil union between a Nigerian male and a white female or supports the registration of interracial clubs, societies and organisations, processions or meetings in Nigeria commits an offence and is liable on conviction to a term of 10 years imprisonment. (How can you who doesn’t eat dog meat, use your teeth to cut it for others? In fact, 14 years.)
10.   The only valid defenses to the offences above shall be: 
a.   Evidence in writing of having been violently rejected (texts, bbm, Whatsapp and Facebook rejections are admissible) by at least 20 Nigerian women evenly spread across the six geopolitical zones of the country.
b.    Evidence of a man being infertile, such evidence being from a government hospital of national repute, doctors of which must not have gone on strike in the past six months. White women can take our infertile men, as long as the men wear dark grey triangles on all items of clothing so that they are not mistakenly arrested for offences in section 6 above. 

11. It shall not be an offence for white men to marry black women. (We treat it like lesbianism. We just ignore it. It is not like we are going to give the white men citizenship by marriage anyway.)

Saturday, August 22, 2015

HOW PRESIDENT BUHARI CAN HELP BLACK AMERICA


I have to write about America. Again. All my well-wishers have advised against it, especially as I do not yet have an American visa. And every Nigerian traveller knows that all actions need to be filtered for things that can jeopardize a visa application to a first world country. I realize the potential damage to my hustle but my calculation is that by the time I will have achieved the American visa requirements of “strong social and economic ties”, they might have forgotten about this article. You may say: what if God should bless your hustle sooner than you expect and you need to apply for an American visa, would you not have spoilt your chances? I say: let us not preempt God.

The racial tensions in America worsen by the day. One would expect that after the last few cases of police brutality and callous shootings of black people captured on camera, things would at least slow down. In the one year since the watershed event at Ferguson, Missouri where an unarmed Michael Brown was shot to death by a white police officer leading to massive protests and violence, over 300 African Americans have lost their lives in interaction with law enforcement officials.

I have written a bit about this but as a Nigerian and African I ask myself what can I do about this? I feel like posterity will judge me harshly if I do not try to save the black people in America. But I cannot send drones and I am not powerful enough to impose sanctions in America (even though I feel like it will send a powerful message if all Africans stopped keeping up with America’s most loved family, the Kardashians.) Also it is not like there are any rebels that could be supported with arms and military training. All I have are words. So I have decided to write a speech that I suggest President Buhari reads at an international press conference. I feel like Obama will listen to Buhari since they just recently became best friends. So, here is a short speech donated free of charge to President Buhari:

Dear Americans,
For the past year since the senseless killing of Michael Brown, the extraordinary turbulence happening in the greatest nation on earth has not gone unnoticed. I might have spoken up earlier but I myself was preparing for a turbulent election where I sought to dislodge politicians feeding fat on poor Nigerians. The battle was tough, but that is a matter for another day. Today it is time to speak up. Like I said once, I belong to everybody, and this includes America. In city after city in America, black people are rising up to demand basic human rights and dignity in the face of police brutality.

The wind of change that brought us into power has not stopped blowing and although it has achieved certain success in Nigeria we wish to redirect that wind to America. The events in Ferguson and the violent outbursts that have justifiably followed again and again, show us that strategies of repression reminiscent of a country under military rule are no longer sustainable. Social media and 24 hour cable television has exposed a world of astonishing contradictions where standards for global human rights are set but broken in the most brazen way.

I hear the voices from black America and they sound to me like the clear yearnings for change. I recognize those voices the same way I recognized the millions of voices in Kano, in Kaduna, in Lagos. In too many black neighborhoods in America, power has been concentrated in the hands of a few white policemen and politicians. But I tell you, change must come to America.

It is not enough to have an African American as president without the collective political will to change the decades of systematic abuse of minorities.

The wind of change can be delayed but it cannot be stopped. Nigeria opposes the use of violence and repression against the minorities of America. We look forward to working with all who embrace genuine and inclusive democracy – one that includes descendants of former slaves as well as descendants of former slave owners.

As a last resort however, we will encourage the movement of minorities to Nigeria at no cost to them. Getting a Nigerian visa is relatively easy. Even an ISIS leader and fugitive from Lebanon recently got a visa to come into Nigeria. If someone in a terror group can easily get a visa, how much more a legitimate American fleeing persecution and violence? I am not saying that we welcome terrorists and in fact we have ordered an investigation into the matter, but I am just giving you evidence that it is easy to come here. In fact I am informed by some of my aides that it is possible to buy a Nigerian passport. While we are doing our utmost to stop that, we urge as many black Americans as possible to take advantage of the window before I actually appoint officials and Ministers sometime in September.

Ultimately, it is for the blacks to take action. Whether they choose to remain in a country that tries to kill them off or take the easier route of getting Nigerian travel documents, we are committed to helping in any way that we can. That is the least we can do after helping us to dislodge the PDP.

God bless Nigeria and long live the oppressed black minorities of America. 


Thank you for listening.

PS. I also recommend that President Buhari updates the travel warning for Nigerians travelling to the United States. He is a busy guy so I have gone ahead and written the travel advice for him here.

TRAVEL WARNING FOR NIGERIAN CITIZENS GOING TO THE U.S


The Federal Government of Nigeria warns Nigerian citizens of the risks of travel to the U.S. and recommends that Nigerian citizens avoid all travel to Missouri, Wisconsin, Mississippi, Arkansas, Idaho, New Jersey and Tennessee because of the large number of hate groups and the situation in those states being fluid and unpredictable. To be clear, they kill black people.

The Federal Government strongly urges Nigerian citizens in the U.S. to consider their personal security and to keep personal safety in the forefront of their travel planning. We know some of you who are very light skinned or even mixed race may think you will be exempt from this hate against black people. You are sorely mistaken. In America any one who is not 100% white is black. You are black. They will kill you if they catch you. Our job is to warn you. 

The ability of the Federal Government to provide assistance to Nigerian citizens in Missouri, Wisconsin, Mississippi, Arkansas, Idaho, New Jersey and Tennessee states remains severely limited. The Federal Government continues to recommend against all but essential travel to the following states due to the risk of police shootings and brutality, drug gangs, racist attacks, unhealthy fast food linked to obesity and diabetes, measles, people who go on Jerry Springer, drive-by shootings, extreme consumerism, Donald Trump and other similar dangerous things: Texas, Oklahoma, Georgia, Baltimore, Iowa, Michigan, Pennsylvania, Louisiana, Virginia, Kentucky, New York (yes New York: that Rudy Giuliani, the one CNN calls when they need a racist opinion for balance, lives there), Alabama, South Carolina. The Federal Government also especially warns against travel in Ferguson because of the threat of riots and police whose basic gear resembles that of the army. Worse, Ferguson has an armed group of white people called the Oath Keepers whose self-imposed mandate is to “defend the Constitution against all enemies, foreign and domestic” and who normally show up when black people are protesting. Basically white people protecting white people with high caliber guns. The Federal Government cannot explain this. Just stay safe and out of Ferguson.
Based on safety and security risk assessments, the Embassy maintains restrictions for travel by Nigerian officials to those states listed above; officials must receive advance clearance by the Nigerian Mission for any travel deemed as mission-essential. Nigerian citizens should be aware that extremists could expand their operations beyond the south, mid-west and Donald Trump’s campaign headquarters to other areas of the country.
The Nigerian Mission advises all Nigerian citizens to be particularly vigilant around traffic lights, police vehicles, rallies full of white people, Americans who refuse to vaccinate their children; locations where large crowds of black people may gather, as this may attract white police, Molotov cocktails, teargas and CNN’s Don Lemon. The Federal Government cannot explain Don Lemon. Security measures in the U.S. remain heightened due to threats posed by racist groups, Tea Party members and white police. Especially white police who have claimed responsibility for the shooting of several unarmed people of color. Since this extremist police group killed Michael Brown in August 2014, over 1,000 persons have been killed by them throughout the country. Do not say we didn’t warn you. Sometimes they kill you by choking you to death, breaking your spinal cord behind a police van, hanging you in a police cell and calling it a suicide or just shooting you point blank as you are reaching for your seat belt.

2014-2015 saw an increase in deaths by police in the U.S. Although several hashtags went viral on the internet, police continued their killing without fear that the whole world could be watching. Donald Trump continues to threaten that if he becomes president he will be harsh with immigration. Nigerians may find themselves at the receiving end of this. While the Federal Government prays against the tragedy of Mr. Trump becoming president, the Embassy cannot assure Nigerians that Americans will not go against common sense and elect him. Hold your return ticket just in case.

Apart from hate crimes, the U.S. makes it shockingly easy to purchase a gun. Even a person with a record of crime or mental illness can buy a gun. They love guns. This means that someone who hates Mondays can walk out of his or her house and go on a shooting spree in a school. The Federal Government cannot explain Americans' love for guns. Be vigilant at all times. Someone who girlfriend broke up with them may just shoot you. 


Violent crimes occur throughout the country. Law enforcement authorities usually respond harshly especially when you are black (again it does not matter how light-skinned you are). A word is enough for the wise.

Saturday, August 8, 2015

THE TALE OF THE GOVERNOR AND THE SENATOR


Today I am interrupting my usual commentary to tell you a fictional story about a governor and a senator. Sometimes inspiration just comes to me unannounced like power outages in Nigeria. Remember: all characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Once upon a time, there was a senator with a receding hairline and an afro. But this senator was not always a senator.  And he wasn’t always going bald. Once upon a time, the senator was a young man with a respectable hairline. A full head of hair does something to young men; makes them boisterous and arrogant. So this senator – when he was a young man – joined a group of people who fought with the military government of the day and was sent to prison. Fortunately, although he was expected to spend a long time there, a new government took over and he got released. From that day onward he resolved to never miss an opportunity to talk about the terror he experienced in prison. He swore that even if someone said good morning to him, he would find a way of sneaking in the fact that he was once in prison, responding to the salutation with something like: “did you know that on some days in that terrible prison we did not know when it was morning or night?”
Somehow being an activist paid off, because eventually, in addition to his prison experiences he became able to chip in the fact that he has a house in London and Abuja.
Once upon a time, this activist got some money, ran for office as a revolutionary and won a seat in Nigeria’s senate (all the while refusing to trim his afro in spite of his receding hairline. That takes guts.)

Because he suffered so much in prison and was an activist and revolutionary, the senator decided that the first action of his, (to ensure that his time in politics was radically different from the past corrupt and wasteful set of politicians) would be to, literally, raise the “steaks”. How did he do this? He looked at the records of corrupt politicians before him and remembered that he had criticized some of them for giving handouts to people in the form of rams during Sallah and Christmas and he said to himself: I, Senator ex-Prisoner and Revolutionary will do a revolution. There will no more be rams. I will give the people horses! (Or maybe it was camels. I always get this part of the story mixed up. But it doesn’t matter.) He gave the poor people of his constituency an animal bigger than any corrupt politician had ever dreamt of. He was a great, visionary man to think of giving his poor constituents animals as big as horses. (Or was it camels?)

Once upon a time, while all of this was happening to the senator, there was a governor. This governor was not always a governor. He was once a Minister who tried to do his job, even though of course many of his friends and the people around him were corrupt. He too had a receding hairline but wasn’t presumptuous enough to grow an afro. Lack of confidence. He won elections in the same state as the senator but because of his wickedness, decided to begin work right away. No break. No room for business as usual. No allowing the poor people used to dysfunction enjoy the last bits of dysfunction. Wickedness! The senator hated this. He thought that he had set a good example for the governor to follow by giving the poor masses horse meat (or was it camel meat, I still can’t recall). He told the whole world that the governor hated the people by getting right into development and reforms instead of feeding them first.

And the senator was wise in saying this. Just as when you find a starving, sickly person at the point of death, you do not pump them with solid food immediately but slowly introduce liquids and light food, you do not begin governing a state by trying to change things, no matter how bad they are. Sometimes, all poor people need is the meat of an animal bigger than that of a ram.

This governor did even worse things. He stopped people from stealing government land and reduced waste by cutting his own salary and the number of appointees. He also tried to stop people from begging in the streets. The senator was so indignant (rightly), he spat onto the floor. What kind of governor stops people from encroaching on government land? Is democracy not a government of the people by the people and for the people? Does this not then mean that if you steal government land, it is not really stealing because you are the people and the people are the government? If you take a shirt from your own wardrobe, is it stealing? And really we all know how colorful a city can be with beggars singing praise songs at junctions and traffic lights. A city without its beggars is a poor city, without a soul. Where will people who need to do rituals that involve giving food to beggars find beggars if we drive them out? What if the beggars went on strike and refused to be part of the system through which prayers of God-fearing hustlers are answered? That would be a disaster! The senator knew all of this and so he proceeded to denounce the balding governor in public, calling him an enemy of the people. The senator was oh, so wise.

And one important fact is that while the governor wore glasses, the senator did not. Meaning that the senator could see better. Who knows, maybe the governor was blind. Blind to how development and change can actually hurt a state. Blind to the nutritional value of horse meat (or was it camels now, I forget). Blind to the fact that sometimes you must take a horse to the river and give it a straw to make life easier; that sometimes you do not teach a man to catch fish when he is hungry: you simply give him horse meat (or camel meat) which will last longer in his stomach than fish.

Some people lied about the senator saying he was already trying to replace the governor at the next elections and that was why he was upset. But the senator was not blind. All the senator wanted was to show the people the way, especially as his eyesight was better. And as someone who created these fictional characters, I can assure you the senator was not interested in becoming governor.

This my dear readers is the moral of the story: Camels and horses are better than rams, and nobody, really, likes real change when they can have horse or camel suya.

Thanks and God bless for listening.


PS. Forgive me, I am still working on deciding on whether to use horses or camels for the story. I’ll let you know.

PPS. In totally unrelated news, I thought to give you all (married people) some advice. I feel like every married person should take the time to study their wedding photos. (If you got pregnant and moved in together, that's ok. I'll address you some other time.) Wedding photos reveal a lot. One thing you get to see is those friends who attended the wedding but were not smiling as you were rejoicing. Those are the friends you should find and deal with, before they find a way of wrecking your marriage. Just saying. (I am sorry I could not find a more appropriate photo to illustrate this point. Below is the closest stock photo I could find.)