Saturday, August 30, 2014

FIVE REASONS WHY EL-RUFAI IS NOT A BOKO HARAM COMMANDER

I am not sure why retired General Ihejirika called Nasir El-Rufai a Boko Haram executive commander. I don’t know what evidence he has and we are not friends like that for me to call or WhatsApp him to ask. As president come 2015, it behoves me to intervene when I sense someone being unjustly accused of a crime. El-Rufai is not my supporter, but as the bigger man (if you have met both of us you will see what I mean) I will come to his defence. It is up to him to see the light and support my candidacy. After thorough research, here are five reasons why Nasir El-Rufai cannot be a Boko Haram commander:

1.  Nasir wears glasses. Not cool glasses. Nerdy glasses. A terrorist commander does not need glasses. Let us go into history. Do you know any real terrorist who wears glasses? Osama bin Laden, al-Zarkawi, Hitler, Nelson Mandela (until 2008 in America), Abubakar Shekau. Even Ihejirika himself who has been accused by an Australian negotiator of sponsoring terrorism doesn’t wear glasses – at least not in public. It is a bit hard to picture the diminutive El-Rufai struggling to keep his glasses on the bridge of his nose while planning a bomb attack.
2.   Nasir keeps each of his three wives in a different house. The logic here is simple. A man with a terrorist mindset will show this mindset in most of his dealings. Having a different house for each wife means only one thing: he does not like the trouble that flows naturally from attempting to satisfy more than one woman at the same time in the same space. A sadistic terrorist would keep them in one house and derive pleasure from the intrigues, scheming and in-fighting. Now, when it is very tense in one house, he can just drive to another house. That is a man who likes peace. I don’t know if they have a schedule or timetable or anything, but Nasir seems like the kind of organised person who will draft and print an annual program just so none of the wives gets it twisted. You know, complete with conjugal visits, general hanging out, individual duties and responsibilities and time with the respective in-laws. You may argue that the fact that he has three wives is itself looking for trouble. Calm down. He may be 50, but he is a virile man. Think of it this way: three wives are less stressful, less sinful and less expensive than three mistresses.
3.  I betrayed him and I am still alive. A Boko Haram executive commander would have organised to truncate my earthly hustle a long time ago. Let me explain. You see, I met Nasir a little over a year ago when he still had his back page column in ThisDay Newspapers. He invited me to take his column as a guest and wrote a glowing introduction to my column. Now, gratitude would mean that I also speak well of him and support him in his political hustle. Not long after, he published his book. I did not like the book. I even retweeted a bad review of the book. Yes, retweets are not necessarily endorsements, but you know how people judge you for retweeting bad things about them. For a while we weren’t so friendly on Twitter anymore and I do not know if he was busy or just ignoring me. As if that was not enough, I wrote several articles making fun of his height. Let us just say that many months later, to the glory of God and the credit of Nasir, I have not been attacked or killed. I have not received death threats. In fact, I recently visited his house and was served Indomie by his son, Bello. Yes, the Indomie had no egg or meat (I will talk about this next) but which person will still be kind after all I have written about Nasir?
4.   El-Rufai doesn’t have that much money. Terrorism is very capital intensive. You can tell if a person has a lot of money when you go to his house. The Indomie I was served when I went there had a lonely journey down my stomach. I no longer eat meat, but I still eat eggs. However, I don’t hold it against the El-Rufai family. When you have a large family and dozens of visitors going in and out of your house daily, you have to cut costs. If he had that much money – enough to sponsor terrorism and be a Boko Haram commander – we would not have been reading about his plain Indomie today. Plus the guy is kind of stingy. You know how an older man will call you to his office or house to discuss something or ask you to do something and then when you are leaving sneak some naira notes into your palm? Well, not Nasir. Nasir behaves as if giving people cash causes Ebola.

5.  Nasir talks too much and is too straightforward to be a Boko Haram commander. Any Boko Haram commander would have to be someone who can keep loads of secrets. Otherwise he would jeopardize operations for the entire group. Have you observed how Nasir uses Twitter and Facebook? He excitably tweets everything he thinks about this government and politics. And sometimes it gets him into trouble. If I got 50 naira for every time Nasir tweeted or posted something prematurely, albeit his honest opinion, I would have bought the VW Golf R I have been saving for forever. Often I think that Nasir would suffer major blood pressure issues if he was ever banned from tweeting or using Facebook. If he was an executive Boko Haram commander, the Nasir I know would have one day mistakenly tweeted: “Alhamdulillah, just activated two suicide bombers. Jonathanians will soon receive the shocker of their lives.”

Like I said in the beginning, I do not know if after this lengthy defence, Nasir El-Rufai will see the light and put his weight behind my candidacy. Me, I have done my part. They say you can take a horse to the river but you cannot force it to support your ambition. Or something like that. Whatever Nasir El-Rufai chooses to do, God bless his non-terrorist hustle. 

Sunday, August 24, 2014

HOW TO HANDLE THE ARMY IN AN INSURGENCY

The most visible part of government when there is a security emergency like an insurgency or war, is the army. They are our first, if not our last, line of defense. They are on the frontlines doing the often thankless job of laying their lives for a not-always grateful country. As one who will soon be president, I am learning a lot from observing our commander-in-chief and his army chiefs handle the war, especially on the North East frontlines. Here is what I have learnt:

A well-fed soldier may become a cowardly soldier. So sometimes, you must reduce the rations of men on the frontlines. If you pay them 30 or 40 thousand naira a month, slash it to 15 thousand. This will make their blood boil and the anger will be useful in decimating the army.

There is no need to provide the right type of arms and ammunition. Brave soldiers don’t need big guns, even if the enemy has sophisticated weapons. Brave soldiers only need an inspiring speech. Look at that movie, Brave Heart. The Scots were outnumbered, but when Mel Gibson rode in on a horse, his face painted with the colours of Argentina's flag and told them Yes We Can, that was it; they fucked up the English enemy. 

When, because of your action or inaction, some soldiers refuse to go into battle unprepared to meet a better equipped and better motivated army, it is important to address this issue before it spreads like a cancer among the rest of the men. Give a rousing speech about how when you catch anyone who mutinies, you will kill them. There is nothing quite like threatening a man who is afraid to die, with death.

Sometimes you will have the knotty situation of the soldiers who don’t want to fight pushing their wives to protest their deployment to the war front without adequate equipment. When women do such a thing, do not address the real issue. After all they are women. Talk about them like naughty kids in kindergarten. Threaten to flog and evict them if they ever try to protest again. Specifically, use the word koboko in your threat. Because there is a difference between using a cane to flog a woman and using koboko to flog a woman. Anyone who was stubborn as a child in Nigeria, knows this.

If a newspaper house has the nerve to report a mutiny, don’t let the fact that Nigeria claims to practice democracy stop you from storming the newspaper offices with soldiers to confront and threaten them with sanctions if they do not stop talking about you. Because even in a democracy, it may be acceptable for soldiers to harass journalists in a newspaper house. In a war, people should not ask questions. They should support their troops.

***
I must congratulate Nuhu Ribadu, former Chairman of the EFCC who tried and secured the conviction of Chief DSP Alamieyeseigha for corruption, for recently joining the ruling People’s Democratic Party. Thankfully, Alamieyeseigha who is also a member of the PDP, has since been pardoned, declared sinless by President Jonathan and appointed a delegate to the National Conference. He is now a former ex-convict. God bless Jonathan!

I admire Nuhu Ribadu. Sometimes even when a person has been cured of a disease, people stigmatize and avoid such a person. This is not right. It is noteworthy that Nuhu Ribadu is not showing any signs of stigma for most of the persons he had on his prosecution list in 2006. Just like with Ebola, it is important that when people are declared healthy, persons show them love by associating with them. As president I will use Ribadu as an example of how not to hold former corruption against people.

***
President Jonathan is in Germany this weekend. I am upset for a few reasons. Every Nigerian knows that when you are travelling, you tell your friends so they can give you long lists of things you can buy for them. I know we are not talking but the least he could have done is ask, Elnathan, do you want anything from Germany? But I will be the bigger man and not hold this against him. Some have speculated that he is going there for medical treatment. I am worried about him. I know that he recently tested negative for Ebola in America and he has been using hand sanitizer. He has even stopped shaking his friends. So it can’t be Ebola. I wish he had listened to me when I advised him to use moringa. Jesus said love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so I will pray for him. Whatever it is, whether Botox or flatulence, or high blood pressure or trying to spend time away from Patience with a "friend", I wish him well.

***
Professor Maurice Iwu in a recent interview, while admitting that there was nothing to show that bitter kola cured Ebola, said that there was nothing to disprove it either. He reiterated his claim that bitter kola halts virus replication. In fact right there at the interview he brought out a bitter kola from his pocket. That man is on to something. There is no harm in chewing kola. At the very least it is proven to increase blood flow to the genital area in men who have hardening of the arteries. And you never know when those arteries will harden. Better to be safe than sorry.


Ps. I just stopped eating meat. This is perhaps the hardest decision I have ever made. If like me you are used to having meat as the main course and other types of food as appetizer, you will know what it means to turn away when you see suya or chicken or steak. Let no one ever ask what I did to make this planet a better place. I forsook personal pleasures and refused to partake in the mass killing and consumption of mammals and birds. That has got to count for something.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

HELPING AMERICA AND FIGHTING EBOLA

I must begin by talking about how Jonathan keeps disappointing us on the global stage. My soon-to-be-predecessor does not understand the importance of a strong foreign policy. Global powers did not become global powers overnight. At a time when America is facing internal uprising and is unable to protect its vulnerable and minority populations, Jonathan should have offered to send in troops or peacekeepers to Ferguson in America where mostly white police are currently terrorizing mostly black Americans using military style gear. As the leader of black Africa, we need to show that we care and help those poor black people, some of whom might have descended from slaves stolen from Nigeria. If I was president, I would go hold a world press conference stating that what is happening to black people in Ferguson is unacceptable and that unless America starts respecting the human rights of its former slaves, I will send in drones and commence airstrikes. I know the second hand drones we bought from Israel are grounded, but as president I will make sure I get them fixed, or ask for some left over from Israel when it finishes killing civilians in Gaza.
On the home front however, Jonathan’s response to the Ebola outbreak has been remarkable. Permit me to show some sportsmanship and list out the great steps that he has taken to deal with Ebola in Nigeria:
1.      He has joined the world in declaring it an emergency. A declaration is everything. Is that not why people spend plenty money to go for conferences so they can make declarations afterward? Like the Berlin conference where they declared Africa chopped up and sold. Or Beijing where they declared that contrary to the belief of many men then alive, women were full human beings with equal rights. It is just sad that because of the urgency, he didn’t do it at a conference. It really doesn’t matter that many months into an Ebola outbreak in three West African countries, Nigeria didn’t think it was necessary to monitor flights coming in from those countries. That would have been considered malice. Better to begin when we already have our own Ebola case.
2.      Jonathan fired the 16,000 resident doctors who were on strike trying to push for better wages and work conditions. In a time of a public health emergency this seems like a smart thing to do. Sometimes when you are fighting an external battle it might be best to get rid of internal enemies first. That is why during every war an army kills or jails people for treason or mutiny. You cannot fight well when your home is in disarray. The doctors should be happy that they were just sacked. Because if they were soldiers in an army they would have been shot for downing their tools.
3.      The president also this week shared hand sanitizer after a Federal Executive Council meeting to show his commitment to fighting Ebola. The fact that no one noticed when a nurse who was infected with Ebola and was supposed to be closely observed left Lagos and travelled to Enugu to see her family has nothing to do with Jonathan’s commitment. It is not easy to bring hand sanitizer to a FEC meeting and show the whole world how he wipes his hands. In fact, he has stopped shaking his political allies and Ministers. We all know how important a handshake is to people. Only this year Doyin Okupe tore Mrs Ezekwesili to pieces on Twitter for refusing to shake him when they met at an airport. For a man facing re-election to put his election in jeopardy by refusing to shake people who are unlikely to have Ebola is something that must be commended.
Now that Ebola is everywhere, and following the example of Ebele Jonathan, I expect everyone to carry a hand sanitizer around. Just like people who always have Orbit chewing gum in their bags, I also expect people to share with others. When you enter a bus, after greeting everyone, bring out your hand sanitizer and offer it to those sitting around you. When someone comes to visit, serve them hand sanitizer on the tray beside their food and drinks. Add hand sanitizers in gift packs and hampers.
Meanwhile on Wednesday, the highest ranking chicken farmer of Enugu State who doubles as the Deputy Governor, Mr Sunday Onyebuchi, slumped before an impeachment panel. One of his major offences that has earned him impeachment proceedings is his refusal to remove the poultry from his official residence. No one is thinking about the chickens in this fight between the Governor, who himself is alleged to have poultry in his official residence, and the Deputy Governor. Knowing now that both Chime and Onyebuchi have poultry farms I have a theory. I think the Deputy Governor’s chickens were doing better than the Governor’s chickens. If so, I blame the Deputy Governor. Everyone knows the rule of power that says you should try never to outshine the master. This problem could have been solved by offering to swap chickens with the Governor or holding a ceremony naming his superior poultry farm after Governor Chime. As an animal rights activist I am concerned about the chickens. I hope that no harm will come to the Deputy Governor’s chickens.

So the Central Bank has decided to re-introduce cash charges on cash withdrawals from other banks’ ATMs. This sounds like a good thing. I have always felt guilty using the ATM of other banks for free. It didn’t feel right to me. I thank the CBN for finally doing something to ease my conscience. Now I will feel comfortable using ATMs around me. God bless the CBN. 

Sunday, August 10, 2014

OUR FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN

By the time you are reading this, the people of Osun would have finished counting the votes and the entire Nigerian security apparatus would have begun packing their bags to return to their original posts across the country.
Let me explain why the PDP did not leave any stone unturned in trying to win the elections. It is all in Aregbesola’s face. You can attempt to buy people’s votes with party branded Uncle Ben’s rice and odorless fufu but you cannot buy the rugged face of Rauf Aregbesola. While Omisore wears a chubby greasy face with a Hitler moustache, Aregbesola’s face is a map of challenges which can easily be read by poor people who make up the majority of people in the state. For poor people it is like watching a movie that you can totally relate to.
But I understand the Federal Government. In most competitions, there is an attempt to have contestants evenly matched. Boxing has weight categories and the Olympics and Commonwealth games have separate events for physically challenged people. Omisore and Aregbesola are not evenly matched. We do not expect Omisore to suddenly grow a face full of suffering. To counter the self-campaigning face of Aregbesola, I believe it was only fair that the PDP had the entire Nigerian police on their side.
I was going to weigh in more seriously however until I read the tweets of President Jonathan’s personal attack machine, Mr Doyin Okupe. He ended the conversation. On Friday, he tweeted:
“Our father who art in Heaven, Hallowed b thine name 2mro Glorify yr Name in osun state. Gv victory 2 yr son omisore &Shame satan &his cohorts.”
I have left in all the errors, but please don’t let the fact that a presidential spokesman tweets like a careless 14 year old distract from the very important message. Once I read “Our father who art in Heaven”, I knew that was it. He didn’t just invoke any god but the one in heaven. So, perhaps Omisore’s loss is actually a victory in disguise. Maybe if he got elected something terrible would have happened to him. We all know that the god Okupe was praying to, is rumored to work in mysterious ways. So join me in congratulating Omisore for his victory in disguise.
***
I am afraid of all these natural remedies and local drinks. Remember Nigeria’s Chika Amalaha, who got stripped of the 53kg women’s weightlifting Commonwealth gold medal because of doping? Well a member of the coaching team has revealed that what she drank was zobo, a drink made from local hibiscus leaves. I am running for president and I don’t want anyone to one day reveal I am a drug addict because of all the moringa I have consumed over the years. What is a harmless natural supplement today may turn out to be a banned substance tomorrow. It might be best to just avoid moringa, aloe vera, garlic and all the other miracle plants and just drink water for now.
***
So, Goodluck Jonathan and the rest of the people I will sack when I become president come 2015, just returned from the US-Africa Summit in Washington D.C. For the first time since the Ebola outbreak I am not scared of a large number of people flying in to Nigeria. The kind leader of the free world insisted that the African delegation be screened for Ebola before meeting with President Obama. No one published the results of that screening but I believe it is safe to assume that since Jonathan was not sent home prematurely he is Ebola free. We have to thank Obama for this. Our president would never have voluntarily submitted to a test but now we can sleep easy knowing that our leader is well.
One of the subtle but emphasized themes of the US Africa summit was the fear of China. It was like a caring father gathering his children to warn about the pedophile down the road who offers children sweets to lure them into his house. I am not sure how China will respond to this.
Sadly, Patience Jonathan could not dazzle at the meeting of African first ladies with Michelle Obama. Jonathan left her behind. I don’t think this is fair. It is not every day one gets to meet extravagant wives of dictators to share tips on jewelry, shopping and cosmetic surgeries. Jonathan needs to start taking his wife more seriously. Nobody forced him to marry.
As Ebola spreads, let us remember to take all the necessary precautions like hand washing, and avoiding bush meat. You will not die if you stop eating bush meat for a few months. Before you exchange bodily fluids with a stranger, watch for symptoms. A long conversation might help. The person may in that period even reveal more undesirable traits about themselves like membership of the PDP or belief in mamiwater or refusal to let you have the head of catfish. This single stone of delay kills two birds: You avoid potential Ebola (and herpes) and avoid ending up in bed with someone you’ll regret. I guess the point is, exchange bodily fluids responsibly. And no, neither salt nor your pastor can cure Ebola.


Sunday, August 3, 2014

ALONG CAME EBOLA

So, despite the prayers of all our men of god and prayer warriors, Ebola somehow found its way into Nigeria. It is not my place to judge the efficacy of prayers or if the men of god should review their status as people with access to heaven. I mean with all the 10% gate fees these men of god collect, we should expect more, but I am more concerned about earthly issues.
For example, the Federal Government has announced that it will start checking the body temperature of people coming on certain flights into the country. Why are they checking for high temperatures? Because a fever is one of the early symptoms of Ebola. Other symptoms of Ebola include, weakness, sore throat, headache, diarrhea, rashes, red eyes, vomiting, hiccups, internal and external bleeding and muscle aches. (To be clear, if you experience any combination of these symptoms you should immediately go to a hospital. Ebola patients who survive usually get early treatment.)
This article is about how a healthy person avoids being mistaken for an Ebola patient and have his or her hustle truncated for a long time. Because the moment for example, your temperature is detected as being high, you will be immediately quarantined and observed/tested for Ebola. And you know Nigerians. Even if it turns out to be a wrong call and it was your laptop that created the heat and you are allowed to go after a few days, Nigerians will avoid you for the next three months. Neighbours will ban their children from going to your house.  The church committee you are on will suddenly start having meetings behind your back. Your wife may suddenly decide to go and visit her cousin for a while. Your relatives, in anticipation of your eventual demise will begin quarreling over your property as if you didn’t exist.
Yes, fear of Ebola is understandable and even expected, but we are the lords of stigma and will judge you for even being suspected of Ebola.
If you ever thought that anyone cares about you in Nigeria, stop it. Now! We are not America that flies one citizen alone on a plane from Liberia to receive the best care at home. You must take matters into your own hands to avoid all the things that can raise your temperature or make you a suspect at an airport.
1.      Do not sleep on the plane. Getting off the plane looking groggy or red-eyed can lead to profiling. A health officer from the Ebola team will pull you aside for questioning and with social media, within two minutes your family and entire community will hear on Facebook and Twitter that you are being tested for Ebola. Even if all the health officer did was ask you one question before letting you go.
2.      Do not take too much alcohol before flying or landing. This gives off at least two symptoms of Ebola: red eyes, and weakness.
3.   Do not be a glutton and eat everything offered on the plane. You do not know what you will go and eat or drink that will make your stomach run. And in these days of Ebola, once Nigerians see you go to the toilet many times, they will be the first to tell airport officials that you seemed to have diarrhea on the plane and they suspect you have Ebola. Eat only what you know please. And drink only water. You can eat well when you get home.
4.      Do not slouch or walk sluggishly as you leave the plane. Walk upright. March if you have to. Sing songs. Show signs of strength and vitality. Anything that will make them not suspect you have Ebola.
Now, one consequence of the Ebola scare is that you may become paranoid and suspect every passerby of having the virus. Sometimes extreme worry can stress you out which can in turn reduce your immunity and make you have headaches and all. Then you start really freaking out and go to the hospital because of the headaches which you think might be Ebola. Even though the doctor will tell you it is only stress, people will hear that you freaked out and went to check if you had Ebola, and then the stigma will begin. That kind of stigma takes months if not years to disappear.
So, how do you put your mind at ease about being exposed to the virus? I do not suggest that you stop touching people altogether, but if you are that kind of thorough person who hates loose ends, here are ways to politely avoid touching people in public:
1.      If you are a northern woman this is easy. Just say you do not shake hands with men. When you meet women tie your veil in such a manner that your hands are hidden from view. Make exaggerated gestures with your head to distract them. Say hello but quickly add that you are in a hurry.
2.      If you have nail polish, use it often. Always tell people you want your nail polish to dry. If there is anything we respect in this country, it is the right of nail polish to dry undisturbed.
3.      Tie a bandage around your hand before you go out and tell people you have a fracture. They will not attempt to shake you and will even feel sympathy for you. In fact some will go as far as invoke the healing power of da lord  to cure you. This one has a downside: as the overzealous person is trying to pray for you, he or she may end up trying to touch you, lay hands on you. Quickly inform them that your own man of god has it covered and you don't want to fuck up that prior prayer. Walk away quickly. 
4.      For people who are stubborn, pick your nose exaggeratedly just before they want to take your hand. No one wants to shake someone who has just finished digging into their nose.

May fear of the virus not find us and permanently truncate our hustle.  


Sunday, July 27, 2014

THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO TONY RAPU

As your president come 2015, I am also interested in the home front. Recently I stumbled across a popular Lagos pastor tweeting advice to married women and men and have to share it with you. His tweets in quotes are taken directly from his Twitter handle @drtonyrapu. Forgive me if I do a little commentary. It is only because I care. 
“A husband’s greatest need in this world of marriage is to be respected by his wife. #MarriedWomen”
Now, while you carry that phallic mace of leadership as a husband, it is important that you get the respect you deserve. It is a need without which your male member will shrivel up and die. And we all know what happens when the Speaker of the House doesn’t have the mace anymore. It is like being impeached. God forbid that your mace shrivels up and dies.
“When you give to your husband without expectations, then God somehow begins to meet your expectations. #MarriedWomen”
Most important part of this awesome tweet: “without expectations”. A wife should not expect anything in return. Even though as stated above a man SHOULD expect things. Like respect. But only because he is a man. A married man. If you do this God will “somehow”, I don’t know how exactly, bless your marital hustle.
“Look in the mirror & learn to love what you see. A woman who loves her body takes care of it for her husband. Love your body. #MarriedWomen”
Like many things that a man owns, this includes his wife’s body. This is the most important reason why you should take care of your body – although it is your body, it really is for your husband. I suspect that is why in our country there is nothing like marital rape. The wife’s body belongs to the man.
“You have to make forgiveness a habit. In big things and in little things. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. #MarriedWomen”
Yes. How many times did he say forgive? Three times. Like when you find him masturbating to porn in the bathroom. Or when he cheats. Or when he cheats again. Three times.
“Men are not wired like women and your husband doesn’t even know he is being insensitive to your needs. Tell him nicely #MarriedWomen”
Have you ever tried to fix an adapter? There are three cables of different colours. The red, the black and the yellow and green one. Men are like the yellow and green one. Today one colour tomorrow another. So we are allowed to be insensitive. Because we are men. And because the one thing we like more than anything in the world is to be respected, you have to tell us nicely that we are being bad to you. Something about he who holds the mace, holds the power.
“Be very careful about reading romance novels. They give you a false illusion of life. #MarriedWomen”
You don’t want anything that can give you any excitement and distract you from your god-assigned role in life – making your husband happy while not seeking happiness yourself. Too much love in romance novels. Too much regard for women. Too many women who get sexual satisfaction. No one wants that.
“You may not understand why he loves to watch sports or violent movies. You don’t have to understand. Give him his space. #MarriedWomen”
Yes, especially the violent movies. Give him his space while he is learning all the skills required to give you a good beating. But while you do this, you are not allowed to read romance novels. Just make the bed, look for dirty surfaces to clean and cook another pot of soup.
“Make the bed. Thank you. #MarriedWomen”
No creases. No old sheets. No stains. Iron the sheets before you lay them because of insect larvae. Do it like your marriage depended on it. Because, Tony Rapu says it does.
“If you try to control, restrict or cage your husband it will take away that ‘thing’ that makes him a man. He’s a free spirit. #MarriedWomen”
Not sure I need to add much here. While you are bound to him, he is a free spirit. I wish we could have this in all local languages.
“Pet your husband. Massage his shoulders. Give him a manicure. #MarriedWomen”
We are like pets. We also have egos that need massaging. A good married woman knows that the one reason she was put on this earth is to attend to these needs.
“You have to love your husband even when he is unlovable. #MarriedWomen”
You have to. You just have to. The god of Tony Rapu demands it.
“Serve your husband even when it seems he doesn’t appreciate your service. #MarriedWomen”
It is like having a maid. Your maid may not always like cleaning your children’s poop, picking up after you, getting a criminal wage, dealing with your randy husband’s advances and your verbal abuse, but she has to do her job. It is a job she is paid to do, appreciation is not part of the work contract. So also marriage. A married woman serves. Appreciation is not part of the package.  
“Be sensitive to your husband’s physical needs even when you’re tired. You can do all things thro’ Christ who strengthens you. #MarriedWomen”
Your husband has no self-control and cannot exercise restraint. Besides, is this not what Jesus died for – to give you strength to perform whenever your randy husband wants you?
“Protect your husband. There are she-wolves out there. #MarriedWomen”
You have to realise something about men. They are like physically and mentally challenged people. Imagine a mentally challenged paraplegic. That is a summary of what men are. So your husband needs you to stop his male member from finding a she-wolf. He can’t say no or think for himself. It is just the way things are. You are like a soldier whose singular task is to protect a city from foreign invaders like your fellow females. If the invaders breach the city walls, you are to blame.  For those of you women who watch the TV series Game of Thrones, you are like the men of the night's watch who protect the wall and your fellow women are like white walkers and wildlings. Do not abandon your watch!
Here is some of what Tony Rapu had for men:
“Wash the dishes for your wife sometimes. #MarriedMen”
We all know that plates, I mean all plates, belong to the woman. It doesn’t matter if she works too. Clean plates, dirty plates are all hers. It is her job to keep them clean. If you wash the plates you use to eat as a man, it is like giving charity. You are helping her. And you shouldn’t do it too often. Just sometimes. And for this you should be praised. The god of Tony Rapu thinks so.
“Tell your wife “thank you” for all the cooking, washing, cleaning and even making the bed. #MarriedMen”
Awesome. Do you see the double message here? Tony Rapu is a genius. Yes, it means she should do “all the cooking, washing, cleaning and even making the bed.” How else can she expect a thank you if she hasn’t first done these wifely duties? I need to sit down and have a serious conversation with my lover. Because as it is I cook, wash, clean and make the bed. Or perhaps I am one of those mistakes of nature who was originally meant to be a wife? Anyway just do as I say not as I do.
“Your wife has the power to set the direction of your entire life. #MarriedMen”
You see, your wife has all this power. She has this big remote control that can make you do things. Just like Eve who put us all in the mess the world is in. Who knows what channel she will decide to watch? Sometimes, happiness means finding someone you can blame all your problems on.
“Be the man. The #MarriedMan”
I believe this is self-explanatory. Sometimes you are tempted to be the woman and do things like cook, make the bed, cry, clean, let her make some decisions… but don’t! That male member between your legs is not there for decoration. Think of it like the mace in a parliament. Unless the Speaker has the mace he cannot carry out his functions and assert his authority as leader of parliament. So also as long as you carry that phallic blessing between your legs, you are boss. God bless Tony Rapu.
Marriage is good abi?


Saturday, July 19, 2014

MALALA WILL KNOW


This is a good weekend for me. I am revelling in an aha moment. Sometimes all you need is not to force something to work your way, but to find out how best a thing works. I have discovered how best Jonathan works. I have wasted the past year trying to get Jonathan to respond to my WhatsApp messages. I even tried to get his BB pin, but he wouldn’t add me. And it’s not just me. Oby Ezekwesili has been screaming herself hoarse at the Unity Fountain trying to get his attention, which earned her the title “psychological terrorist”.
However, when 17 year old Malala got on a plane and came to Abuja, I heard he ironed his best overalls with spray starch, didn’t drink, wore his prescription glasses and got all his aides to work overtime. As soon as he set eyes on her, he started talking, telling her everything, the things she wanted to know and things she didn’t really care about. Like apologising for the creases on his overall and for wearing the same colours all the time. He swore, by all the gods in the Niger Delta, that she had no reason to get angry with him, because he was doing his very best.
I appreciate this, because as long as a confession is made, it does not matter who that confession is made to. All that remains is for Oby Ezekwesili and the rest of us noise makers to channel our grievances, protests, questions, hashtags and tweets to the right office – the Malala Trust. Henceforth I will advise that requests should be made directly to Malala and copied to Jonathan. Tweets seeking the President’s attention should end with the hashtag #MalalaWillKnow. I’m not sure that Malala will have time to handle all our requests immediately. But I know one thing, when she does get round to handling it, our president will take immediate action.
After writing so much to Ebele Jonathan, I’m afraid for my career. I like to believe that I’m a good student of history. Sanusi wrote to Jonathan, he lost his job. Nyako wrote to Jonathan, he lost his job. Obasanjo wrote to Jonathan, I am sure that if he had a job he would have lost it too. For the sake of my job, I just want to tell Jonathan what we used to sing during football matches as kids: ‘Ba fada ba ne. Wasa ne.’ Rough translation: ‘No be fight.’
Speaking of Nyako, I hear that the old soldier disappeared right after he was impeached for having a monopoly on corruption, together with his four wives and children. While I agree that deregulated corruption would have saved his job, I am more interested in Nyako for other reasons. First, I like mangoes and he owns the largest mango farm in the country. And next, he was somehow able to summarise his four wives into one office of the First Lady. In fact, it has been reported that in the appointment letter of the chief press secretary to the First Lady, signed by Mr John Manassah, the SSG, it was stated that he was appointed ‘as the chief press secretary to the wives of the governor’. And you know, I want to be like Nyako when I grow up: 71 years old and still able to perform conjugal duties with four women. I am certain that if his heart was able to withstand that quadruple level of activity, then we don’t need to worry about how he will take his impeachment. But as an aside, what happens when a man upon whom four women (not counting concubines) depend on for sex, suddenly disappears? Can Adamawa afford to have that many unsatisfied women? Is this what Jonathan wants? Really?
Rauf Aregbesola has been on the campaign trail, begging the people of Osun state not to vote in Senator Iyiola Omisore, who was once at the centre of allegations in the assassination of Chief Bola Ige. I know the incumbent governor has reason to take his campaign very seriously, especially after the recent loss of his brother-governor Kayode Fayemi. But Rauf has nothing to fear. Even without uttering a word, his face and beard are sufficient campaign promises. They tell a story. And while people may look at Omisore’s face and think ‘See this big man’, they will look at Rauf’s face and go ‘See what life has done to this man’.
Apparently, 67 live giant African snails were seized at the Los Angeles International Airport early this week. The snails, which were coming from Lagos, made US customs officials panic and say that it was ‘the first time this pest has been encountered in such quantity’. Instead of sending it back where it came from, they proceeded to burn the snails alive. I just want to say that I’m disappointed in Jonathan. Of all the bad things he did this week, known and unknown, I find it most unconscionable that he would stand by and watch a national delicacy being called a pest. Why do we have a president, if 67 giant African snails can be burned to death with not so much as a response from Africa’s most powerful leader? Where are the animal rights groups that held global protests against the Chinese Yulin dog meat festival, because dogs were being ‘cruelly bound, confined, and slaughtered’? Which is worse: the meaningless torture and killing of 67 giant African animals or Chinese guys who slaughter dogs for consumption? I will send a memo to Malala on this. I trust Jonathan will listen to her.

Ps. My heart goes out to all the women, and boys of Borno still held in captivity by Boko Haram. Especially the school girls of Chibok who have spent almost 100 days in captivity. I cannot begin to imagine the havoc each day spent in insurgent camps wreaks on their lives. My thoughts are also with the bombarded Palestinians who have endured decades of military occupation, land seizures, blockades and death from the apartheid Israeli government. More especially those in Gaza labouring under the less than competent leadership of Hamas who by their ineptitude play into the ready hands of Israel and put Palestinian civilians at risk. In war, except perhaps for people dealing in arms, there can be no winner.

HOW TO SURVIVE WITHOUT A CAR IN ABUJA


Let’s begin with a little definition. In Abuja, walking, strolling or jogging are terms that apply only to people who have cars. If you do not own a car, respect yourself and call what you do by its rightful name: trekking.
Everyone who knows Abuja knows that the city is built to keep out the evil people who trek. And the residents largely comply with their hostile attitude to trekking. Sometimes however, a non-car owner will need to trek. This article is for you. It is written to help those without cars, (especially those who have no idea when God will bless their hustle) retain some respect in this trekking-hostile city.
When you hang out with friends or colleagues who own cars, or go for meetings, always be the last to arrive. If you arrive first the people who come will ask the inevitable question: “Where did you park?” or the more confrontational “I did not see your car outside.”
It is one thing to labour under the harsh condition of car-lessness in Abuja, it is quite another to be subjected to the humiliation of explaining that state of affairs before an audience. You do not want to make a long speech apologizing for not having a car and having those stares of pity or worse, of shock, before watching your reputation suffer instant decline. So, come late when people are already way into whatever it is they are doing. They will accept your apologies for coming late. We are afterall, Nigerians- we invented late coming.
Leave last or first, but never when everyone else is leaving. You don’t want people to treat you like a charity case and start casting lots over who will give you a lift home as though you were an abandoned baby found in a rubbish heap. You can’t win in that kind of situation. If you accept their offers of a lift, they will give you those looks and probably avoid you next time so they don’t have to drop you off. On the other hand if you insist on taking a cab, they will think you are a pompous pauper “with nothing to show for it”. So, sneak off while the ovation is loudest and say you have a family emergency. And it will not be a lie because really, not having a car in Abuja is a perpetual family emergency. If it is a meeting, let them leave before you. Tell them you have another meeting at the same venue and you want to just wait. Then sneak away after they have driven off.
I know the question on your mind now. What if, while you are trekking, someone that you know sees you or drives past? I understand your worry. Trekking is evidence of extreme poverty in Abuja and poverty is the only criminalized state of affairs in this city. People would rather strike deals and hang out with militants and criminals than chat with poor people who trek. In fact, if you tell anyone that you are going to walk to any distance beyond a few hundred meters they look at you like you are about to slaughter a baby. There are several ways of making sure that trekking does not truncate your hustle.
1.      Wear earphones. It does not matter if you have an mp3 player connected or a phone that can play music. With earphones you can pretend you do not hear when someone you know is honking or calling out to you. Downside: this does not always work. Nigerians are very nosy and a complete stranger will stop and tap you to say: “Heys! Person dey call you!” God forbid that this should happen to you.
2.      Carry your real shirt in your bag but wear a jersey or t-shirt and sneakers. This way you can always claim that you are doing some exercise. Or that you just wanted to take in some fresh air. Downside: Because Abuja is always sunny, humid and hot, nosy people will counter by saying: “Haba, under this hot sun?” How to fix this? You can claim you have been in an air conditioned office all day and you started feeling sick from all the cold. Of course the average Nigerian is a medical doctor and they will ask if you are “ok” because we all know that Nigerians like to sit in offices at 16 degrees. You will assure them that by God’s grace all is well and walk away before they embarrass you further.
There is of course also the knotty situation of having a not so nice car. It would seem that Abuja residents judge a person with an old rickety car worse than they judge a person without a car. Because without a car you can pretend that your car is with the mechanic or you are about to get a new one but with a rickety car, there is no salvation. They won’t even ask you questions that you can provide lies to. They will judge you, right there in front of you. And there is no comeback from silent judgment.
What to do? Perform only necessary trips with your rickety car. If you have to, apply the rules above about coming late and/or leaving early. Alternatively, park about 100 meters away from everyone else so that they don’t see you coming and when they ask that question packed with potential embarrassment: “Where did you park?” you can point in the general direction of the car without being too specific. On days when you can’t do any of these, respect yourself, take a cab and tell everyone that you borrowed your car to a friend. Everyone loves people who can borrow their cars to their friends and people will fall over each other to give you a ride home.

I wish you well as you navigate the tricky terrain that is Abuja. Ultimately I pray that God blesses your hustle and you are able to permanently save yourself from the suspicion of extreme poverty and buy a decent car. And do confident things like drop the key to your fancy ride on the table when you meet people. 

Saturday, July 12, 2014

BURN AFTER READING

Reuben Abati, in his July 9 article in The Washington Times, justified his salary by attacking Karen Attiah’s satirical response to Jonathan’s The Washington Post article. I see that my political opponents are taking this writing business very serious. And so will I. 

Let me explain what The Washington Post did. Barely days after publishing Jonathan’s PR piece, they published Attiah’s satire, totally rubbishing his article. Now, there is no worse way of truncating a man’s international hustle than that kind of thing. So, here’s what Reuben Abati did. He found another paper with a similar name, called The Washington Times. Maybe he thought Nigerians would not know the difference between The Washington Post and The Washington Times. Or maybe he didn’t want another Karen Attiah satire pouring sand-sand in his garri. 

I just want to say that the Presidency chose the perfect city in America to do their PR. Because in Washington alone, apart from The Washington Post and The Washington Times, they have Washington Hispanic, Washington City Paper, Washington Blade, Washington Informer, Washington Business Journal, Washington Jewish Week, The Washington Diplomat, The Washington Sun, The Washington Afro American, and The Washington Examiner. They even have the Washingtonian Magazine. There is no way all these publications would have a Karen Attiah satirist waiting to puncture holes in their story.
So let us look at a few sentences from Abati’s article.
What is not fair, and which stands out in many of the criticisms directed at the Nigerian government, is the attempt to ignore the issues and argue that President Goodluck Jonathan is the problem. This attempt to turn the matter of the abducted girls into a referendum on the Jonathan administration has resulted in a complete misreading of the situation and much deliberate mischief fueled by ignorance and sponsored propaganda.
After reading especially the first few words, it is hard not to have the image of Abati in the middle of a school playground in shorts, stomping his feet and screaming ‘Eees nor fair!’ But then I think Reuben is right. It is not fair to blame a man who we voted in as Commander-in-Chief of the Armed Forces and Head of the Nigerian Government for failing in his responsibility. It is not fair to demand answers from a man who occupies the highest office in the land and has access to all the nation’s resources. It is not fair to be upset when his army lies that they have rescued the abducted girls, when in fact they made no attempt to do so. It is not fair to be upset that no one gets punished when the government lies to us. Eees nor fair!
During the past four years, Mr. Jonathan has taken proactive steps to combat terrorism on our shores, including military, political and social actions.
Again, I agree with Mr. Abati. Let me take the liberty of listing a few proactive military, political and social actions that Jonathan has taken.
1) Military: claiming that they have rescued the girls when they had no idea where the girls were. Because even the Bible says ‘life and death are in the power of the tongue’. So claiming to have carried out an action is a natural, proactive first step in doing that action.
2) Political: claiming that the abduction was a hoax organised by the APC. Because one needs to be sure that one’s enemies are not involved before committing great military resources in a place as large as Sambisa Forest.
3) Social: enlisting the support of touts to attack Bring Back Our Girls campaigners. Because one needs to test the resolve of people claiming to fight for abducted girls. It’s a bit like a job interview. You can’t have people half-heartedly chanting ‘bring back our girls’.
Since 2011 … [t]hese efforts [by Nigerian security chiefs] yielded positive results, notably the decimation of the ranks of the Boko Haram and their restriction to the Sambisa Forest.
Indeed Boko Haram has been restricted only to the Sambisa Forest. Because the 12-hour long May 5 attack on Gamborou, administrative headquarters of Ngala Local Government in Borno State, leading to the death of 300 persons might just have been a figment of some nosy journalists’ imagination. I’m a journalist sometimes, I know my people. Even the frequent attacks on communities around Chibok and the bombing of a plaza in Abuja may be the work of a copycat. Boko Haram has been restricted to Sambisa Forest.
Boko Haram, the political opposition and a section of the local Nigerian media may have turned Jonathan-bashing into a tasteless and unpatriotic sport. It would be sad indeed if the international media were to allow itself to be led by the nose into that game.
This is such an important point to make. I wished I said it first. Jonathan-bashing must be done in good taste and cannot be turned into a sport. It must be done in the spirit of seriousness and patriotism. Anything short of this is tasteless and unpatriotic.

***
I must my congratulate my soon-to-be predecessor on his wonderful new catch. He was able to attract Malam Shekarau, former book-burning Governor of Kano State, to the education ministry. In 2007, I remember the zeal with which Shekarau and his government publicly burned Hausa romance novels and subjected Hausa authors to a heavy-handed censorship board. We hope that he brings this book-burning zeal of his to the ailing educational sector. Because nothing purifies as perfectly as fire. (Trivia: Shekarau sometimes wears white socks. Just putting it out there)

PS: Please do me a favour. Join me in celebrating Shekarau, our new education minister. Burn this after reading.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

OF SILENCE AND OTHER GREAT ANSWERS FOR FOOLS

If anything ever convinced me that Ebele Jonathan is afraid of my presidential candidacy it is the fact that he has suddenly decided to become a writer. He wrote in the Washington Post:
My silence as we work to accomplish the task at hand is being misused by partisan critics to suggest inaction or even weakness. My silence has been necessary to avoid compromising the details of our investigation.”
I don’t blame him. I blame people like Leonardo Da Vinci who said silly things like: Nothing strengthens authority so much as silence.” That is why my soon-to-be predecessor has refused to respond to any of my messages. In fact you recall, even when I went to the villa, he refused to come out of his room, sending the equally silent Namadi Sambo to represent him at the event.
All of this reminds me of an urban tale in Kogi politics, where during the 2003 election campaigns, to spite Ibrahim Idris, owner of Ibro Hotel, Prince Abubakar Audu who was seeking re-election said that those who know how to sell food should stick to selling food. My reaction to Jonathan will not be out of spite. But I will say that those who know how to be silent should continue to remain silent. Let those of us who are writers be writers. He should not drag it with me. It takes years to learn how to be a doctor or lawyer, but everyone thinks they can jump and become a writer. And perhaps I should just remind Jonathan that Yevgeny Yevtushenko said that when truth is replaced by silence, the silence is a lie.
The 2014 FIFA Men’s World Cup is the first time I have followed football closely. I have always found fanatical following of football both weird and energy consuming. However, the quality of the football and the drama have more than compensated for my time. Also, as president come 2015, I should start watching what most Nigerian men watch, if only to feel what they feel. I will resume my football atheism after the World Cup.
If I was president, I would have given the Nigerian Football Team an award in spite of their crashing out of the round of 16. Our team was undoubtedly the most contented loser in the round of 16. Whereas most losing teams broke down, holding their heads in pain or crying their eyes out, ours only stopped short of celebrating. Commendable. Joseph Yobo, the captain of the team, led by example in this regard. Even though he got on the score sheet as a French scorer, he was enthusiastically saying hello to other players right after the game, as if losing was the most normal thing in the world. God bless the Super Eagles.
When I heard that Dino Melaye had a new light-complexioned woman in his life after the old dark one left, I congratulated him for moving up in the world. As a lawyer I am trained not to draw conclusions after listening to one side of a story. So the fact that photos of his old wife after being allegedly battered by him are all over the internet didn’t deter me from wishing him well in his new upgraded hustle. I only warned that hitting the new light-skinned woman could produce disastrous evidence in a court of law. The previous dark woman claimed to have been hit with a wooden plank. She is quite dark in complexion and it was hard to tell by just looking that she was ‘planked’.
Sadly only six months after, news reaching my campaign office is that Alero, the light-skinned woman who is allegedly pregnant with Dino’s child, has moved out of the house after claims of beatings and false imprisonment. Life is cruel sha. Dino should travel home to Kogi and kneel down in the village square and beg his enemies to forgive him. This is surely home trouble. And I know that he hangs out with Jesus and all every Sunday on Twitter, but this matter is beyond that. Some spirits you have to confront yourself. I wish Dino all the best in this hustle. Perhaps I should just add that Dino has denied hitting Alero “or any other woman”.
Ps. After allegedly spending 470 million dollars on CCTV cameras in the FCT, the Nigerian government, following the most recent bombing in Abuja, advised residents to install CCTV cameras in their homes and business premises. That the Nigerian government has the effrontery to say this, without fear or shame, says something not about the government, but about us as Nigerians. Maybe we do not feel enough ownership of the money that comes from crude oil. Maybe if the money spent by government was taxpayer’s money in the real sense of the term, people might be more proactive in demanding accountability.


Ps. 2. This week in Lagos, the Nigerian army allowed its men sink to a new low. Like outlaws in an ungoverned countryside, the men and women who took oaths to protect Nigeria and Nigerians from internal and external aggressors, became arsonists and attackers in retaliation for an accident involving one of their own. It is too much to ask citizens already living in fear of insurgents under the worst of third world conditions to also live in fear of the people who should protect them. It is too damn much. 

Ps. 3. I just saw this tweeted by Pastor E. A Adeboye: "If the one blocking your marriage is an insider and they refuse to let you go, they'll be buried this year." In my mind, there is hardly any difference between this kind of violent, unkind, and not to add superstitious speech and the violence of those who kill in God's name.