Thursday, August 17, 2017


Darling Buhari,

I was overjoyed at the recent ceremony on national television where you were crowned and declared a private citizen. This is the first step I think, to getting our healthy relationship back. There is nothing that destroys a relationship like third parties sticking their stupid noses in matters that don't concern them. Like your health or how much you are spending on your treatment or who is paying for your plane parked in London. First of all, your state of health is just between the both of us partners. It is my business whether or not you will be ready for the other room when you return. Or what exactly is wrong with you right now. Are they the ones who will boil hot water for you to take a bath? Or make miyan kuka for you? Also, about the plane, do they expect you to trek back from London? I don't understand these nosy people. At least now that that woman with the red eyes has done the needful, we can dispense with these silly inquiries about your state of health. 

I also hear some people have been protesting with the hashtag #ReturnOrResign. Imagine the effrontery. Return where? Are you not at home in Abuja House? As if you owe them anything. Are you their father? Even I who is your darling has not asked you to resign or return. In fact, I think we should promote the Inspector General of Police who sprayed teargas on them and chased them away. But even better he deserves a promotion for escorting those we paid to organise a counter protest to say how much we love you. This, after all, is what the police ought to be doing. Not dangerous things like kidnappers and crime. We need our policemen and women alive and healthy to guard you when you return. No point going after dangerous criminals. Especially kidnappers who aren't killing anybody. Sometimes wealth needs to be redistributed by unconventional means such as ransom payments. 

I read this terrible article saying that under your regime freedom of speech has suffered. I know they are making reference to a few governors who are addicted to Facebook and Twitter and get upset easily when they see something they don't like, including that short one with the burnt lips. Terrible article. I think we should just ban that phrase freedom of speech. Because it is not like the people who love you stop anybody from talking. They just don't like hearing a few things. So people can spend their time talking about useful things, like God or salvation or jollof rice. Not your health, or state-sponsored violence or discrimination or bigotry. What is the use in talking about these things and annoying people? Especially short people. Me I don't like annoying anyone so no one tried to stop my freedom of speech. I only write mostly about how much I love you. And if more people wrote about love instead of equal rights or development or being against police brutality, the nation would be a more peaceful place. 

One of your houseboys said a few days ago that "Media should be positively critical, media should be responsible." I love the term positively critical.  If you allow me darling I will define what this means so that no one in media will get it twisted. Because it is important for the media to be on board with this. Positively critical means that it is critical to be positive. So, before anyone asks where you are or how much your medical bills are or why you won't resign, they must say something positive. Like how much they love you. Like how amazing you are. Like how you are our life leader. Things like that. By the time they are done expressing their love for you, they will likely find that there is no space for any criticism. Because no one criticises the one they love. That is why darling, you can do no wrong in my eyes. 

Ps. Darling, my weekly reminder: The Shiite man whose children and followers we massacred and buried in mass graves. I think it is time to release him. I know you are busy taking vitamins to help you love me better when you return but please think of it. We have hurt the man enough. Let us release him and his wife and the rest that your worker Dick-Tai still has in his custody. It is only fair. 

I love you more than Jollof rice. 

Yours always,

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You fit vex, bet abeg no curse me. You hear?