I almost missed this week's letter because I was busy making your favourite dishes and changing sheets. No one is happier than I am that you are back and ready to rule until 2023. Your speech gave me goose pimples. Short, firm and leaving no doubt about your power and resolve. 103 days have done nothing to your soul. You are still my dear, dear Buhari. I noted one thing in your speech. You mentioned how people stay up at night to write nonsense on social media and believe in foolish things like freedom of expression.
So as part of my promise to support your recovery, I am writing a law to help you crack down on these lawless social media people. I know the National Broadcasting Commission wants to censor phone-in programs and live newspaper reviews but trust me, this is better.
SOCIAL MEDIA CLEANSING AND 'LOYALISATION' ACT 2017
An Act providing for the cleansing of the nonsense and disloyalty by persons of bad character on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat and other forms of social media and other related matters.
In this Act, unless the context otherwise requires-
Social media means any online platform where posts can be made, comments received and/or nudes sent.
Disloyalty means not recognising the divinity and fatherhood of our master and political saviour General Buhari.
2. Every Nigerian at home or abroad shall believe in the infallibility of our lion king and saviour of Nigerian democracy General Buhari and shall profess same through loving posts, prayers, and if absolutely necessary, kind complaints directed at the appropriate quarters.
3. All complaints about life in or about Nigeria should be preceded by declarations of how horrible the last government was and an acknowledgement of the saving grace of the 2015 elections which brought the incorruptible leader to power.
4. No person shall conduct or take part in a poll on any social media platform directed at promoting disaffection toward our incorruptible benevolent leader.
5. No animals, beloved or otherwise, shall be named after our infallible, incorruptible leader, at the mention of whose name every Nigerian knee (or finger on social media) shall bow.
6. In the event of an extremely embarrassing situation, like a rat invasion, no person shall directly accuse our incorruptible benevolent leader of anything. All complaints and calls for resignation shall be directed at the minions whose job it is to make the incorruptible leader look perfect. For the leader can do no wrong --- only his minions can stumble.
7. No person shall under any circumstance demand that our incorruptible leader through whom we received salvation from the former corrupt leader, resign from office before 2023.
8. No person shall spread rumours or cause rumours to be spread about the health of our leader or question his decision to work from home or any other decision. This includes but is not limited to any rude or mischievous hashtags, memes or parodies.
9. The offence of Social Media Disloyalty
(1) A person commits the offence of Social Media Disloyalty if
(a) He or she, upon being the beneficiary of the generosity of our incorruptible leader, decides to cast aspersions on his person or doubt his intentions.
(b) He or she asks makes fun of our incorruptible, benevolent leader.
(c) He or she asks about the health of our incorruptible, benevolent leader and makes insinuations about incompetence of abdication of responsibility.
(d) He or she asks the leader to resign for any reason whatsoever, including but not limited to being away from office for any length of time.
(e) He or she commits any other act prohibited under this Act.
(2) A person who commits the offence of Social Media Disloyalty shall be liable upon conviction to public flogging for one hour every day for three weeks in addition to having their devices confiscated and social media accounts deleted.
My dear, please look at the law and send me your thoughts about any amendments. I am sorry about the rats which invaded your office. But somehow you know, I am glad you are working from home. It means we get to spend quality time together.
Ps. Dear, my weekly reminder: The Shiite man whose children and followers we massacred and buried in mass graves. I think it is time to release him. I know you are resting now that you have returned but please think of it. We have hurt the man enough. Let us release him and his wife. It is only fair.