Sunday, July 24, 2016


So White came back. After all the hue and cry, after all the complaints of disloyal animals unbelievers White stopped travelling and put his tail down in his own farm where it belonged. His farm hands had told tales of how his travelling was useful, especially since Goodhead had ruined the farms reputation at home and abroad by pillaging the farm alongside his associates. White’s farm hands swore that there was no other way. 

On the farm since White returned things were changing. Fast. The promises White made were becoming harder and harder to keep. The cost of water was rising and even though White had removed the subsidy on the water, it was not as easy to get as was expected. But White knew what he was doing. 

In the southern marshlands of the farm, wild dogs increased their attacks on water pipes demanding that they have control of their marshlands and the water resources that emanated from their lands. 

“Our lands are flooded," they claimed. "We cannot plant. We cannot build. We cannot play. For allowing access to water for the rest of the farm, we have lost our homes and livelihoods. We want control of our water resources.” 

The new leader of a group of wild dogs - the Marshland Retaliators - spoke angrily and swore that if things did not change they would keep blowing up pipelines all across the marshlands and beyond. 

When White was a new farm manager he had sworn that although he intended to negotiate with the wild dogs in the north of the farm if they renounced violence, he would not tolerate any wild dogs in the southern marshlands. “We have had enough of wild dog terrorism in the marshlands,” he said. He said there would be no dialogue and that his genocidal army, led by farmhand Dick-Tai, was capable of handling any wild dogs that threatened the water supply of the farm. However, as time went on, it became clear that he could not just kill off the southern wild dogs the way his farm hand Dick-Tai massacred bats in the north of the farm. He could not just send in farm hands and shoot them down. They could not be found. They attacked quietly at night and disappeared long before anyone could find them. And because the farm exported water to other farms, it was important that no one interrupted the flow of water. So, faced with falling water prices, White broke down and said he would negotiate with those wild dogs. The problem was finding them. The first few groups White’s farm hands talked to turned out to be opportunist animals posing as wild dogs. But White knew what he was doing. 

Meanwhile the committee that was set up to look into the massacre by Dick-Tai had finished its work and submitted its report. 

The report stated that indeed, Dick-Tai and his minions did massacre bats in their hundreds. And that there was no reason for him to do so. It stated that although there was an altercation, Dick-Tai were able to leave the area and  made his minions to cordon off the area and kill the bats one after the other for daring to hit the chest of a farm hand. 

Even White had agreed with this. White needed to maintain the fear and control required to run a farm. There were too many disloyal animals, especially bats who were unpredictable. So White had tapped Dick-Tai’s back and told him he did well by taking care of the bat problem. 

Meanwhile Dick-Tai was found to have stolen money with which he built several nice barns in foreign farms far away. But not all stealing is bad, especially if you help sort out a bat problem and you are loyal to White. Loyalty. It does not matter if you are an animal who steals, but if you are loyal, it helps. Disloyal animals are terrible. Disloyal animals make it hard for White to have complete control. Disloyal animals ask questions. Like why the farm is dark. Why the price of water keeps increasing. Why the farm’s economy is in a recession. Why they deny that the farm’s economy is in a recession even though all the signs are there.

Loyal animals ignore reports. They ignore reports that say Dick-Tai massacred bats. That he secretly buried male and female bats together in mass graves. That some of the bats he buried were not even dead when he buried them. Loyal animals focus on the real issues. Issues like how two Committee elders insulted and spat at each other during a Committee meeting. How two female swans accused each other of chewing fresh marijuana leaves and being lesbian swans. Loyal animals only say the great and perfect things that White does. Because White is great and perfect. And when he is not great and perfect it is only because of the damage caused by Goodhead who governed the farm a long time ago. One can never forget a bad manager who spoilt things a long time ago. 

As loyal animals beat their Whitist drums and disloyal animals wailed in the corners, farms across the animal world were preparing for the inter-farm games. This was a respected event and farms went to great lengths to prepare their animals. There were flying, crawling, swimming, fighting, sprinting and hunting games for different categories of animals. Because of how much the previous farm managers on White’s  farm hated the games, they made sure no one had enough resources to prepare. Slowly many animals moved to other better farms and even played games for them. All across the games there were animals who were originally from White’s farm representing other farms. Although White had set aside resources for training and equipment, his animals got nothing and a few days to the games, animals had to go round the farms doing embarrassing things to get resources to be able to attend the games. Sports animals were preening birds, cleaning dogs and masturbating horses in order to make it to the games. And those animals who were good all knew they had to train outside the farm if they had any hopes of winning. But White knew what he was doing. 

And animals continued to position themselves to take over from White in the event that the pain in his side made it too hard for him to continue being farm manager. 

And White’s farm hands continued to steal bits from the property they recovered from associates of Goodhead who had plundered the farm. 

And Dick-Tai continued to lie that the property he owned outside the farm was purchased by grains he saved over the years. 

And the cost of grain continued to rise. 

And the wild brothers of White continued to roam free with blood on their fur. 

And White walked around the farm, hands behind his back, silent, only wincing from the slight pain in his anus. 

And as all of these were happening on the farm the loyal animals on the farm were poised and did not lose focus. Because they knew that White knew what he was doing. 

And they worshipped White and sang his praises and prayed: 

In the name of the White father
And of the farm hands
And of the holy Whitists…

Bless us White for we have sinned
Bless our thoughts
Bless our desires
Bless our intentions

Blessed be thy name
Thy will be done in every quarter among every animal species
Teach us to love your will
Teach us to be teachable
Teach us to trust your will even when your will may not be clear
Teach us to defend your will before it becomes your will
For thine are the decisions, the thoughts and the glory
For as long as you choose to be farm leader

Sunday, July 17, 2016


After the song Hello was released, I wrote about why the British superstar singer Adele needs to be banned in Nigeria. And since then I have discovered even more Adele songs that make me scared for all the millions of people who unwittingly consume her dangerous home wrecking philosophy. I have one conclusion: if you are in a relationship, you must avoid Adele. Let us look at her song Someone Like You, which, before I repented I used to put on repeat and hum along mindlessly. 

I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.

Ok. At this point you would think that she has gotten the message. I wont jump to conclusions and say she was stalking him or anything. You know how Facebook is. You can be sitting down on your own and someone will just post news about someone from your past. You can’t control it. Let us just say she heard of this on Facebook. 

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.

Ladies and gentlemen, let us pause for a moment here. I used to sing along, say these words, hum along and think that somehow I was still a good person. I apologise for all the times I sang this. I have given a lot  from my meagre earnings to charity to make up for this shameless condoning of evil but nothing can make up for the many months I have promoted this unacceptable behavior. Nothing. The only good thing is  that God forgives. At this point I can only revert to prayers and say that when our dreams come true, when we find that person that makes us settle down and gives us what no one else could give us in the past may the good and holy lord protect us from evil people from our past who feel like turning up out of the blue uninvited. These are agents of the devil sent to interfere with our happiness. They are like the Biblical Pharisees Jesus referred to in Matthew 23:13 when he said: 

“But woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you shut the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces. For you neither enter yourselves nor allow those who would enter to go in.”

You may not be a follower of Jesus but you can understand his illustration. It is apt. Adele is a pharisee. 

I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

This for me is the killer. She hears of his marriage on Facebook or Instagram. She clicks the link. She scrolls through her phone for his old number. Maybe the number doesn't work. She calls up old friends who know him. Asks them for his number. They know he is getting married. They know she is his ex. They know he has since moved on. They are reluctant to give her his number. But she tells them a lie. Tells them it is about work or something. And reluctantly they send it to her. She tries his number. He doesn't pick because he has Truecaller and sees her name…
At this point you are saying wait wait wait, how do you know all this? Look at these two previous lines:

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.

That is how I know. He has seen her number on Truecaller. He doesn't want to pick. Or maybe he is a nice guy and he picks but he quickly tells her please he has moved on and does not want to start any post mortem of their old relationship and hangs up. But then what does she do to this child of God? She shows up. No fear. No chill. She hopes that he would see her face and be reminded that for her it isn’t over. For her. Not a single line about him. All that matters is that she has heard the voice of the devil in her ear and has entered an Uber to go and look for someone whose dreams have come true. So, if he sees her and is reminded that it isn’t over for her, what is he supposed to do? Abandon his great love and follow her? Or live the rest of his life feeling guilty? 

All I can say is that may God protect us and our loved ones from Adele. 

Sunday, July 10, 2016


This last week has been bloody in America for black people as well as American law enforcement. Several black men have been shot dead, some in the full glare of passersby who recorded the events on video. Understandably, people globally were outraged at the senseless loss of life. I have said before that America has no value for black lives. In fact, I have suggested that if they do not want the black people they came to Africa to fetch in the first place, it is not too late to return them. We will just calculate how much work and contribution they have made to building American society and send their government an invoice accordingly. They don't have to pay immediately, we can give them a few years to pay. Money is hard to come by now. 

Nigerians on the internet also joined in this outrage, as they should have. They posted videos of the black men getting shot and used the appropriate hashtags. Look, it is important to get the right hashtag and I am proud that Nigerians did not disappoint black people worldwide. 

All of these events have made me wonder what the value of a black life is in general and what the value of a Nigerian life is in particular. Let us start with the value of a non-Nigerian black life. 

A black life abroad is precious. Especially if this black life is an American or British black life. There is something that crossing seas and oceans does to a black person. It insulates them from the indifference that is associated with black tragedy occurring in a black country. A black life capable of a British or American accent is worth a lot. Maybe not to white police officers. But to us Nigerians, it means a lot. I do not mean black lives who leave their black countries, go on one trip to attend a two-week conference and then come back saying wanna gonna. I mean black people with a non-black passport. Black people who were born in a non-black country. We are allowed to feel pity for them. We are allowed to demand human rights for them. We are allowed to say that it does not matter if they stole some items from a shop or sold illegal items. No one deserves to be shot by police extrajudicially. Not even when such a person has a prior conviction. The life of a foreign black person means a lot. 

In calculating the value of a Nigerian life however, we must never apply the same rules. We cannot afford to. Black lives in Nigeria are far more resilient and we do not want to spoil people by showing them too much empathy. It is important especially if they are not from our ethnic group or religion. It is not your fault if a person goes and chooses to come from the wrong ethnic group. 

You know Nigerians. The moment you give them an inch they want to take a kilometre. So it is important to reserve empathy for those who deserve it.  For those who do not go around asking to be killed and provoking people with guns. Not people like Shiites who block roads and constitute themselves a nuisance in civilised society. I am not saying that we should take up arms and kill Shiites. We have the army to help us with that - with killing them and imprisoning them without charge for indefinite periods of time. I am saying that when the army gets angry and decides to surround them, shoot them one by one, destroy their buildings and bury them (some of them alive), we must not do silly things like feel sorry for them or protest the killing of women and children and non combatant men. We must never never create hashtags because really, they are the ones who decided to go and become Shiites. Yes, we all block roads too when we are doing weddings and naming ceremonies and crusades. But we are not Shiites. The value of a Shiite life is not the value of a black American shot by white police officers. A dead black American deserves human rights even if he had a prior conviction. A dead Shiite deserves to be asked questions, about why they block roads like the rest of us. Or practice religion the way they do. 

The same rule applies to say, Biafra protesters. The value of a black life protesting for Biafra is not very much really. We must look the other way when the Nigerian army shoots them because we must let the army do their job. The army restores the balance of things. For example, when an empty street is occupied by Biafra protesters it is the job of the army to clear that street by any means necessary even if that means killing people who are carrying placards. They say a hug starts from a handshake. We must never feel empathy for a black life we do not like when that black life is extrajudicially killed by our beloved, hardworking army. Human rights are for humans. I am not yet sure that they are humans. They are yet to prove it to me. But Americans, kai, those ones are human. Their black lives matter. Our black lives matter when they belong to our religion or ethnic group. 

Ok. I am rambling now. I apologise. Let me reduce these last two paragraphs to one formula that is easy to use in calculating the value of a Nigerian life especially if that Nigerian life is Shiite, gay, female, Biafran, or maybe just poor.  The value of these types of black lives in Nigeria is a little less than the value of Jollof rice. Because we will never think twice about fighting for Nigerian #Jollof (especially against those damn Ghanaians but I will leave their matter for another day). 

So this is what you must do. Forget about all the Shiites that are still in detention nearly six months after the great Zaria army massacre of December 2015. Forget about the Amnesty International report about women and children buried alive. Use that time instead to show solidarity with America. Post the video of American police executions. Use the hashtag #blacklivesmatter. Because you care. You really care. 

Monday, July 4, 2016


Nigerians can be shortsighted. When the Lagos State governor Akinwunmi Ambode recently decided that he would be banning all street hawking and imposing a fine more than 4 times the minimum wage (or six months in jail) people were all up in arms, even those who support his government. 

Some of us see nothing wrong with that kind of policy. In fact, Mr Ambode has foresight and is a man of wisdom. What he has simply done is open the market for street selling and buying and making sure that a cabal of street hawkers chasing after cars and buses in traffic does not control street trade. 

Here is how this ban will deregulate street trading, reduce corruption, help Lagosians and boost the economy of the entire state:

Not every person with a car in Lagos is living a great life. Some of them have to do odd jobs to make ends meet. Some of them steal from the offices where they work. With this ban creating an artificial scarcity of Gala and LaCasera, the cost will of course go up. Baba Rifkatu who used to steal stationery from the storeroom in his office will now just need to buy a carton of Gala, a carton of bottled water and/or LaCasera which, electricity allowing, he will freeze for the journey back. On his way back home he will drive close to a full bus or taxi. They will think he wants to bash their cars. They will insult his mother. They will insult his “father’s prick”. But instead of insulting their parents back he will dangle an unopened gala in the air. They will apologise profusely and beg him to sell it to them. He will pretend to drive off, increasing demand for his product. Then eventually they will honk enough for him to slow down. He will ask them to squeeze the money and throw it into his window. And he will throw the Gala to them. And the bus or taxi driver will be relieved and proceed to admonish his passengers while chewing on his Gala, about why it is not good to abuse someone’s mother or  someone’s father’s prick in traffic because "you never know who God will use to help you". The passengers will look at him chewing and ask him to drive close to the man “wey dey sell Gala”. Baba Rifkatu will not need to steal office stationery again.

So, smart business people will begin to put nice buses on the road that offer additional services. Now, Lagos buses and taxis are like those cheap airlines that do not serve you any refreshments on board. They can increase the fare a little and say that there will be refreshment during the journey. And especially if you will be in traffic for many hours as is common in Lagos, this will be an attractive option. You will use disposable cups to serve water and  LaCasera and cut the Gala in half to save costs. Of course some bus drivers will prefer to just sell their product outright. So Lagosians will have a choice of a higher fare with full options or just jumping onto a bus and hoping that the driver still has Gala and water left. Competition is good. 

Now most people find this to be a nuisance especially when you are on your way home in the humid heat. Yes you believe in Jesus and all but you do not want someone screaming to you about hellfire when really the bus already feels like hell. People are bound to shout down the preacher if he is interfering with a sale of Gala or “ice water”. This will mean that for bus preaching to continue it will have to diversify. A person can begin with the gospel according to Jesus but dangle the hope of purchasing Gala at the end of the sermon to support the work of the Lord. That way people can both sooth their consciences and stomachs. 

Now, imagine a situation where a freelancer (a person who just fills up their bag with Gala and LaCasera or ice water and just hops on a bus hoping to make sales on his/her way home) hops onto a bus and his sale is clashing with the drivers own sale. This can lead to quarrels. You want competition but not in the same vehicle. This can be resolved easily. The Lagos government simply needs to come up with legislation stating that buses offering added services must color code their buses so that freelancers can know which bus to hop onto. 

Mr Ambode does not need to work to reduce the traffic that makes people need street hawkers in the first place. Or organise street hawkers so that they even earn more and possibly pay tax. They are an eyesore. And he needs to ban them. All I can see from this ban is positive things. Because I am a positive person. Are you?

Sunday, July 3, 2016


The task of being the face and soul of Nigeria in countries abroad is a tough tough one. It is not easy to be a go-between for Nigerian businesses, support and negotiate for and on behalf of Nigerians, or deal with foreign governments. The job of being an ambassador or running an embassy is not one for learners. Only the best can or should be allowed to do this. This is why I have decided to put together a quick manual for running an embassy abroad. It also has something for Nigerians going to Nigerian embassies. 

The Contact Number
You know Nigerians. If you give them your correct phone number they will call you at midnight or before you have brushed your teeth in the morning to ask you a stupid question. They will call you to tell you they just wanted to greet you. They will call you to tell you their wife did not cook for them or their husband came home late. They will call you say they were just checking “if the number is working”. This is why you cannot afford to have someone always pick up the phone at the embassy. People must realise that you will not always answer the phone and this realisation will lead to urban legend that will spread among Nigerians abroad and discourage all those who want to call for foolish reasons. You should not be too easy to reach. 

When you finally pick up, there must be no doubt  about your irritation or impatience. If someone calls your cellphone with say an unknown number, you must, if you are magnanimous enough to pick the call, scold them and tell them how fortunate they are to be speaking to you because normally, you “do not pick unknown numbers”. 

We are Nigerians. We prefer physical visits to this Western invention called telephones. If they are lazy and can’t come to the embassy in person, make them see their folly. Let them know from your reluctance in speaking to them that you did not come there for play. You are only picking the phone number out of courtesy. And they should be grateful for this. Because in many public offices in Nigeria, the contact phone numbers do not even ring. 

The Embassy
The embassy building is a safe haven. It means that you do not want a place that Nigerians will not be able to recognise. You do not want a place that is so different from Nigeria that it gives citizens a culture shock. They come there to run away from the strangeness and forced order of the country they are in. They do no want a formal, unfamiliar space. This is why you should allow things like a restaurant that serves beans and dodo in some embassies. Yes, it may smell of palm oil and food when people walk in, but what better to showcase Nigeria than the smell of our food? Also, you want a place that is friendly enough to have children running around in and screaming. Because a quiet Nigerian embassy is not a good Nigerian embassy. 

Nigerians are not used to seeing someone at the desk at all times. They may start to feel policed and panic. They need to wait. They cannot leave Nigeria where they always wait and just come to a foreign country where Nigerian processes happen quickly. That would be discrimination against those living in and enduring Nigeria. Make sure that people wait. Nigerians know how to wait. They have been waiting since 1960 for something to happen. The embassy should not be different. 

You must make sure you have the minimum. Security doors and all. But you don't always have to use it. We are a hospitable people. People should be able to go in and go out easily, through the security door or beside it.

You can take a Nigerian out of Nigeria, but you should not be able to take the Nigerian out of him. Have embassy staff shout out to each other from time to time. This in addition to the children running about and screaming should raise the noise levels to something close to what it is in Nigeria. 

The embassy should be clean but not too clean. Never ever throw away old furniture or equipment. Pile it in a corner that should be out of sight but not too hidden. A determined person should be able to see the clutter and know that Nigerians do not like to throw anything away. 

Going to an embassy
As a Nigerian abroad, when you go to an embassy, you want to feel free. The country you are in, especially in those cold European countries, is unkind to you. It makes you unable to do the things you want to do - things you didn’t think twice about doing in Nigeria. Like slapping sense into your child. Or having conversations on the top of your voice. Or asking people what tribe they are so that you can speak about them in a language they do not understand. 

If your child messes up, give them a good beating. It is not like the police will come into the Nigerian embassy to arrest you. That building on that piece of land is considered Nigeria. And in Nigeria we beat our children. We beat any devilish behaviour out of the so they can grow to be responsible adults. 

If you have food in a takeaway pack, eat it while you wait for the person at the desk to show up. Laugh loudly. Ask people personal questions. Like "You get papers?". Because the embassy is home. And everyone should be able to do what they want in their own home. 

I know I have not covered the field, but this is a good place to start. God bless you as you engage with a Nigerian embassy abroad. 

Sunday, June 26, 2016


The wealthiest animal in all of White’s animal farm was a chameleon called Dangod who, through friendships with every single farm manager, managed to have special rules which saw him increase in wealth as the years went by. Dangod changed color so that he resembled every animal that was in power. He supported them and knew never to openly challenge any farm manager or show partisan support. If two animals were vying to become leaders of their quarters, he supported them both. Dangod was friends with Goodhead as well as White; friends of Goodhead as well as Whitists priests. He was the color of everyone without allowing anyone’s color rub off on him. And by so doing quietly became praised as the wealthiest animal who employed the highest number of animals. 

As soon as a crisis hit the farm and White let go of his stubborn insistence on keeping the cost of grains on his farm artificially low, Dangod lost a lot of his wealth. Still, animals praised Dangod every chance they could as a hard working animal who helped many animals get food and gainful employment. It didn’t matter that if more animals had the kind of access Dangod had, the farm might have produced far more super wealthy animals like Dangod. But no animal could say this because Dangod was friends with everyone while being attached to no one. 

Secretly every farm manager who ever governed the farm made pilgrimages to Dangod and worshipped him. But since White was too much of an animal god himself, he sent his docile deputy Sinbad to perform the secret acts of worship on his behalf. Sinbad bowed down and kissed Dangod, visited his playgrounds and declared them holy sites of worship, and apologised to him for all that he had lost. And Dangod was happy that this farm management like those before them knew that he was god. 

The crisis that hit the farm also exposed other animals who pretended to be wealthy. One animal, a kangaroo called Hen Hurry (because of how much he was in a hurry to speak in matters that didn’t concern him), was rumoured to have a business empire which included a pageant for peacocks and a hilltop for viewing the sun while eating the most expensive sweetened grains. Not a day went by when he did not say something mean about White and about how White had no common sense. He put his businesses forward as sterling examples of his capacity to lead with nothing more than common sense. One day, a committee on the farm in charge of collecting debts uncovered that his fortune was based on a lie, a debt he had collected and never repaid. The committee concluded that if he had any common sense at all he would have run businesses that turned profit enough to at least start repaying his debts. They took over his properties and took control of the hill where he used to sell expensive sweetened grains. The committee declared that no animal should have to pay so much for grains while being entertained. And they began giving away his sweetened grains for free. 

Somewhere in the West of the farm, an obnoxious species leader, a wild rabid dog called Fayourshit was barking wildly and saying vile things about White. He did this, beating his chest, reminding animals that there were rules preventing White from arresting or harming any species leader while such leader was in power. Fayourshit bragged that no creature born of an animal could touch him. So White asked one of his farm hands to confiscate a warehouse where Fayourshit had stashed goods he had stolen. When this happened Fayourshit went wild and began roll in the dust to protest what had been done to him. But all the animals, fed up with his wild barking and calisthenics paid him no heed. And they walked past as he swore that it was illegal to confiscate his property. 

White’s genocidal farm hand Dick-Tai, in spite of all of his brutality was a great saver of resources. He knew how to make five loaves of bread and two fishes feed five thousand animals and still have remnants. It was through this saving power that he was able to purchase expensive property on a fancy farm far away. And haters of Dick-Tai began to scream about him owning property in foreign farms, about him stealing when he worked for Goodhead, but White knew that Dick-Tai was only a great saver. Yes he was genocidal, but genocide was needed to keep animals loyal on the farm. But he was no thief. 

“You should ask Dick-Tai to teach you how to save instead of calling him a thief,” White told the animals who complained. 

While all of this was going on, far away in the farm where White’s favourite veterinarian lived, there was chaos. Long ago, before White or White’s parents were born, this farm had invaded a quarter of all the farms that existed. They enslaved animals and forced them to act and speak like them. They massacred animals on many farms and set fire to some. But slowly their power waned and they did not have the resources to keep simultaneously destroying a quarter of all the farms. So, they slowly left farm after farm, without fixing any of the things they had destroyed. Consequently, some of the animals from the farms they had destroyed migrated to their now wealthy, powerful farm. Over the years they became animals from farms all over the animal world - farms they had destroyed and others - were now invading their farm to work and live and adopt it as their new home. And because the animals that came from other places worked cheaply, the animals originally from the farm became lazy and refused to do any jobs like cleaning or serving or transporting animals from one places to the other. Suddenly, now, they panicked and claimed that they had too many foreign animals on their farm and needed to kick them all out, forgetting that they once, without invitation, invaded a quarter of all farms. 

And White continued to manage his health, having just returned from the veterinarian.

And Fayourshit continued to complain about his seized stolen property. 

And White’s genocidal farm hand continued to harass animals in the east of the farm.

And the souls of the bats massacred by the genocidal Dick-Tai cried out for justice. 

And associates of White continued to watch him closely preparing for any eventuality and positioning themselves to take over. 

And farm hands of White began to steal grains recovered from animals who had once stolen grains. 

And Whitists continued to worship White, day and night, praying at intervals:

“Oh White teach us how to save and multiply our resources like your farm hand Dick-Tai.”

Sunday, June 19, 2016


And it came about that White made the trip to the veterinarian to look into his anal problem occurring especially after the second push. While he was receiving very expensive care from skilled veterinarians, he kept one eye on the farm, not handing over to his docile deputy Sinbad, who for the most part was content with leading Whitist praise worship sessions. 

As White’s rectum got invaded and thoroughly examined, his farm hands made certain changes to the way grains were priced and decided that instead of forcing animals to exchange grains at a certain value, the cost of grains would be determined by market forces. White often let his farm hands make the difficult announcements while he was away, like when he increased the price of water through his farm hand Na Ci Ku. He could just not bring himself to doing the exact opposite of what he had sworn he would never do: remove subsidies on water and allow the price of grains be determined by demand and supply. Whitists had the unenviable task of eating their words after attacking and killing animals who disagreed with White, only to have White backtrack and do the exact opposite. They did not even show any shame. They only said when challenged: “White works in mysterious ways.”

This trip of White was not like the last though. He really felt at home with the veterinarians. In fact, farm hands and friends made the long trip to the faraway farm where the veterinary hospital was to visit him. White even sent letters to the farm from there as though he was a foreign farm manager.

“I could govern the farm from here,” White told a junior farm hand of his. “It is better here: there are veterinary doctors, there is no darkness, no wild dogs blow up water pipelines and I do not need a hundred animals to protect me here. It is great.”

Two close allies of White, both of whom had intentions of running the farm someday were among those who went to visit him. They said they were going to check on their perfect leader and spent considerable amounts on the journey. They smiled and took photos with White and upon returning, assured the farm animals that although White looked frail and was in hospital to make his anus less painful, he was hale and hearty. Some animals whispered that those two only wanted to see for themselves what state White was in, as they planned to position themselves in the event that he became too frail to lead the farm. 

As White was being fixed by the veterinarians from the inside out, some members from the committee of animals whose job it was to check the powers of White were also travelling outside the farm. They were put up in very comfortable animal quarters in the big farm they visited. One of them, a pig from the north of the farm, while settling in, asked for one of the helpers to bring him some water. As the animal, a lamb brought in the water, he got instantly aroused and asked the lamb to lie down for just one minute. The lamb refused and the pig grabbed the lamb and began to mount the lamb before the lamb was able to escape and report to the animals in charge of the animal quarters. A second pig and member of the committee asked at the reception if there were any female pigs in the area who would take some grains in exchange for some mounting, an act which was illegal in this large farm. As both pigs returned to the farm, the leader of the big farm they had just visited wrote a petition and asked that something be done about these committee members who instead of working were looking for other animals to mount. 

In response, the pigs claimed that it was not an offence to mount other animals and that no pig should be made to feel bad because of the needs imposed on it by the length of its orgasms. “There is a reason pigs need a long time to orgasm,” the first of the accused pigs said. “In fact,” the second pig added, “in our farm, mounting animals passing by is no big deal. We do it and get away with it everyday. Why should it be different just because we travelled? The animals should have just enjoyed us and showed gratitude that we were even interested in mounting them.”

And more gangs of wild dogs began organising themselves to blow up water pipes in the marshlands.

And darkness continued to cover the face of the farm.

And White’s genocidal farm hand Dick-Tai continued to operate by killing animals who stood in his way, more now in the east of the farm.

And all the animals on the farm completely forgot the hundreds of bats that were massacred and buried by the genocidal Dick-Tai.

And certain animals continued to make speculations about the health of White and whether he could carry on leading the farm for three more years.

And some associates of White continued planning on how to replace White in the event that he was unable to continue leading the farm. 

And White continued to receive visitors and write letters to his farm from his bed far, far away. 

And the worshippers of White continued to sing and chant praises to White even after he changed his mind about some policies and left them looking foolish. 

Sunday, June 12, 2016


And it came to pass that after many days of pretending and struggling to walk straight, White finally admitted that in the quiet moments when he went into the bushes to answer the call of nature, he felt extreme pain, especially after the second push. Always after the second push the contractions would reveal themselves causing a sharp pain in the anus.

White sat with his farm hands talking about how they would handle the spread of this information especially as non worshippers of White had begun shamelessly spreading rumours about his health. This became all the more important because now, he had to travel to see a veterinarian in a farm far far away. And worse, in public, people could hear him scream each time he went to relieve himself, right after the second push. 

His farm hands deliberated and argued over the wording of the statement. Some of them were of the opinion that while the fact of an ailment should be mentioned, they should not be too specific, perhaps even changing the type of ailment altogether. Others wanted no mention of an ailment at all, stating that White should simply say he was leaving the farm for some unspecified diplomatic mission. A few were of the opinion that White should just mention it and silence the disloyal non-worshippers. Once you mention it, they argued, the animals will have even more sympathy with White and will revere him eternally for being honest. The farm hands who wanted to change the nature of the illness argued that most animals, especially worshippers of White, were of the opinion that White did not answer the call of nature, that he was too White and holy for that, that he was a god among animals, that he had no animal weaknesses like pain after the second push.

While they were deliberating, animals began to speculate loudly and the farm hands quickly decided to downplay the nature of the ailment. They published the information about White’s imminent veterinarian visit as follows:

White, first of his name, commander of the faithful, holy of holies, first among animals who has neither defect nor ailment is desirous of making a public statement to his faithful worshippers. He wants them to know that he feels what they feel. He wants them to know that he knows what they know about pain and suffering. Consequently, White will go to a foreign farm to rest and reflect on how to perfect his mission of making gold and diamonds sprout from the ground. While resting he will visit a specialist for the grooming of his tail, the grooming of which has been difficult in recent times. Only because he is busy attending to his followers. Only because he is busy making sure that gold and diamonds sprout from the ground and all animals have orgasms the length of pigs. Because all animals deserve thirty minute orgasms. Except White. For White is no mortal animal in need of worldly pleasures. 

As they groomed him in preparation for his visit to the veterinarian, White reminded his farm hands to be diligent in protecting the faith of Whitism and to be wary of animal saboteurs. And they all swore on their lives and the lives of their children that they defend his right to go and rest at a time when the farm was falling to pieces. They swore they would defend his not having a veterinarian on the farm who could treat a simple issue such as pain in the anal cavity (after the second push). They swore they would give examples of other farm managers who had to leave their farms to veterinarians on other farms far away. But most of all they would be sure to accuse all who accused White of mismanaging the farm of collusion with the previous corrupt administration of Goodhead. 

And all the Whitist worshippers said prayers for White.

And farm hands, led by workers of Dick-Tai continued to suppress protests across the farm by killing animals.

And the animals on the farm totally forgot the issue of the hundreds of bats who were buried by Dick-Tai.

And food became scarcer and scarcer.

And wild dogs continued to blow up the water pipes in the marshlands.

And wild wolves, brothers of White continued to retaliate across the farm, freely.

And the farm hands worked overtime singing hymns and reminding animals how lucky they were to have White. 

And White lay on his bed in a farm far far away, dreaming of a land sprouting gold and diamonds and hoping that his anus would heal quickly and that he could safely go beyond the second push.