I LIKE YOUR RESERVES IN PARTICULA

Dearest Buhari,

I am swooning. One of your propaganda secretaries just sent a message telling me about your massive foreign reserves hitting new billions. At first I was suspicious to be honest, thinking it was a metaphor for something else. But that was just my jealousy speaking. I am really impressed. The propaganda guy said you had surpassed South Africa in foreign reserves. It feels me with so much... well let's call it... joy. I know what your haters will say. They will say foolish things like, of what value are foreign reserves when there is not a single hospital in the entire length and breadth of Nigeria which can treat you or your bike-riding son. But they don't feel what I feel. Who cares about roads or infrastructure or hospitals or electricity when you can have huge foreign reserves. Look at Ghana. All they have is relatively steady electricity. Look at South Africa. What do they have? Just nice places Nigerians like to visit on holiday. Railways, roads, electricity. But we have huge reserves. And so we are bigger and better. Darling, and of all reserves, big and small, I like your reserves in particula. 

How did you enjoy your London tour darling? Enemies of your second term are beginning to surface to ask questions like, how do you intend to run for another four years when Nigeria is crumbling and people are dying and you have spent close to two hundred days in hospital or recuperating since god brought you into our lives a second time. I say to them, fear god and look to the reserves. Your reserves in particula. 

You don't need to convince me about your going to London. First, I think people should think of London as part of the Commonwealth. So, technically, it is like being in the same territory. We are part of the Commonwealth. You did not betray our union by going to a place like Germany to chill. You went to the head of the Commonwealth - our spiritual leader, the UK. And even there, you will be spending time in Nigeria house, which is technically Nigerian soil. They also say home is where the heart is. And your heart is in the homes of Nigerians everywhere. Any way one looks at it, you are home. 

I hear Dino Melaye is still cooling off in jail. I am wondering if they will allow him produce a music video while in jail. It will really break records if he can do a gangster rap video like the ones they do in America bragging about girls, bling, cars, going to jail and getting shot. He can even do an NWA style "Fuck Tha Police" track. I really think if he shoots the video right, he will no longer need his bloated Senate salary. And isn't that what you want as president? For us to have entrepreneurs instead of parasites feeding off the government? I am not even going to speak about the accusation that the police in arresting and keeping him were abusing their powers. I am just thinking of the benefits of holding him in detention for so long. He can work on his lyrics and choreography. Use the prison gym. He doesn't have to attend Senate sittings so there will be no distractions. Also, his prison is all male, so even better. My only thing is I think he should be allowed space and equipment to rehearse in jail. Allow him access to his red sneakers and jackets. I think it will be great for the video. (However I do see the aesthetic value of doing a music video in prison uniform - authentic.)

I am glad that you do not allow things like conflict of interest and charges of nepotism to affect your desire to do what is right. After appointing Festus Keyamo to be a spokesperson for your 2019 campaign you then made the brilliant move of rewarding him with a board appointment. Let those who want to shout do so. As they say: Who integrity epp? Maybe you can also appoint Aisha Buhari to a board. And maybe one of your older children. Just to silence those who like to talk. Did Trump not do it - did he not appoint his daughter and son-in-law to positions in the White House? Why can't you do the same? Since your son loves riding motorbikes, we can create a board for him. Maybe a parastatal under the Ministry of Transport which regulates okada and Keke Napep riders. Let him be the Area Fada of motorcyclists. He will inspire them because he came close to losing his life for what they love doing - riding. 

Can I just say thank god for your assistant Osinbajo? No matter how bad things are or how many people die or what mistakes you make, he always shows up with nice English and with the word of God on his lips to cushion the effect of your errors. I think we should push him out more often. Let him be your Mike Pence. He is likeable and by the time they look at him, they will forget all the dead people in Benue, Zamfara, Taraba, Borno, Plateau, Kaduna, and they will forget the doctors strike and the general state of the nation. And I really think we should raise his salary. 

Darling did you see how they almost slaughtered Noble Igwe online? At first I thought it was about his receding hairline or forehead, but then I realise it was because he was trying to expose those involved in internet fraud in Lagos. Internet fraud is the NGO of corruption. Now that we see how Nigerians react to people trying to stop corruption, it is a great thing you are not trying to fight corruption o. Please don't go and start now before we lose elections. 

Ps. My dear, can we just release Zakzaky? Let us use it to score political points. You can say, look how kind-hearted I am: after killing almost all of his children I still released him. It will show how great you are. 

Hugs as you make Nigeria great again. 

Yours until 2023 and beyond, 

Elnathan John