tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24076221675221644162024-03-17T19:56:56.498-07:00Elnathan's Dark CornerAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01571444901761993571noreply@blogger.comBlogger285125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2407622167522164416.post-68576736589279872392018-05-13T02:04:00.004-07:002018-05-13T02:18:53.737-07:00I LIKE YOUR RESERVES IN PARTICULA<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Dearest Buhari,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I am swooning. One of your propaganda secretaries just sent a message telling me about your massive foreign reserves hitting new billions. At first I was suspicious to be honest, thinking it was a metaphor for something else. But that was just my jealousy speaking. I am really impressed. The propaganda guy said you had surpassed South Africa in foreign reserves. It feels me with so much... well let's call it... joy. I know what your haters will say. They will say foolish things like, of what value are foreign reserves when there is not a single hospital in the entire length and breadth of Nigeria which can treat you or your bike-riding son. But they don't feel what I feel. Who cares about roads or infrastructure or hospitals or electricity when you can have huge foreign reserves. Look at Ghana. All they have is relatively steady electricity. Look at South Africa. What do they have? Just nice places Nigerians like to visit on holiday. Railways, roads, electricity. But we have huge reserves. And so we are bigger and better. Darling, and of all reserves, big and small, I like <i>your</i> reserves in particula. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">How did you enjoy your London tour darling? Enemies of your second term are beginning to surface to ask questions like, how do you intend to run for another four years when Nigeria is crumbling and people are dying and you have spent close to two hundred days in hospital or recuperating since god brought you into our lives a second time. I say to them, fear god and look to the reserves. Your reserves in particula. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You don't need to convince me about your going to London. First, I think people should think of London as part of the Commonwealth. So, technically, it is like being in the same territory. We are part of the Commonwealth. You did not betray our union by going to a place like Germany to chill. You went to the head of the Commonwealth - our spiritual leader, the UK. And even there, you will be spending time in Nigeria house, which is technically Nigerian soil. They also say home is where the heart is. And your heart is in the homes of Nigerians everywhere. Any way one looks at it, you are home. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I hear Dino Melaye is still cooling off in jail. I am wondering if they will allow him produce a music video while in jail. It will really break records if he can do a gangster rap video like the ones they do in America bragging about girls, bling, cars, going to jail and getting shot. He can even do an NWA style "Fuck Tha Police" track. I really think if he shoots the video right, he will no longer need his bloated Senate salary. And isn't that what you want as president? For us to have entrepreneurs instead of parasites feeding off the government? I am not even going to speak about the accusation that the police in arresting and keeping him were abusing their powers. I am just thinking of the benefits of holding him in detention for so long. He can work on his lyrics and choreography. Use the prison gym. He doesn't have to attend Senate sittings so there will be no distractions. Also, his prison is all male, so even better. My only thing is I think he should be allowed space and equipment to rehearse in jail. Allow him access to his red sneakers and jackets. I think it will be great for the video. (However I do see the aesthetic value of doing a music video in prison uniform - authentic.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I am glad that you do not allow things like conflict of interest and charges of nepotism to affect your desire to do what is right. After appointing Festus Keyamo to be a spokesperson for your 2019 campaign you then made the brilliant move of rewarding him with a board appointment. Let those who want to shout do so. As they say: Who integrity epp? Maybe you can also appoint Aisha Buhari to a board. And maybe one of your older children. Just to silence those who like to talk. Did Trump not do it - did he not appoint his daughter and son-in-law to positions in the White House? Why can't you do the same? Since your son loves riding motorbikes, we can create a board for him. Maybe a parastatal under the Ministry of Transport which regulates okada and Keke Napep riders. Let him be the Area Fada of motorcyclists. He will inspire them because he came close to losing his life for what they love doing - riding. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Can I just say thank god for your assistant Osinbajo? No matter how bad things are or how many people die or what mistakes you make, he always shows up with nice English and with the word of God on his lips to cushion the effect of your errors. I think we should push him out more often. Let him be your Mike Pence. He is likeable and by the time they look at him, they will forget all the dead people in Benue, Zamfara, Taraba, Borno, Plateau, Kaduna, and they will forget the doctors strike and the general state of the nation. And I really think we should raise his salary. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Darling did you see how they almost slaughtered Noble Igwe online? At first I thought it was about his receding hairline or forehead, but then I realise it was because he was trying to expose those involved in internet fraud in Lagos. Internet fraud is the NGO of corruption. Now that we see how Nigerians react to people trying to stop corruption, it is a great thing you are not trying to fight corruption o. Please don't go and start now before we lose elections. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Ps. My dear, can we just release Zakzaky? Let us use it to score political points. You can say, look how kind-hearted I am: after killing almost all of his children I still released him. It will show how great you are. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Hugs as you make Nigeria great again. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Yours until 2023 and beyond, </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Elnathan John</span></div>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01571444901761993571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2407622167522164416.post-60108263802017720192017-10-01T00:40:00.001-07:002017-10-01T00:40:14.770-07:00HOW TO CELEBRATE IN DEPENDENCE<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Darling Buhari,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Before we entered a relationship, before we fell in love and you promised to Change my life, I used to give thanks every In-dependence day to all the people who make our home the amazing place that it is. This In-dependence day, the only person I really feel like thanking is you, for being the most loving president ever, for always being there, for taking care of our enemies, for solving all of our problems, for bringing about real Change, for being so flexible and kind, for being a great communicator and listener, for being dependable. But you know, I still think we should thank the other people who assist you and our great country in being the amazing place that it is. Some of them I have done before, but one can never be too grateful. Find below suggestions on who you should send a message to this in-dependence day. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">My dear, I think we should begin by thanking the United Kingdom. For keeping you safe. For helping you recover. For always being there when you need a doctor, a hospital, when you needed some rest, when you needed to park a plane and when nosy Nigerians decided it was their business what exactly you were spending money treating. We should also thank them for keeping some of our key projects afloat. For DFID without which some of our hospitals (yes, the ones who can't even treat you) would crash. For the projects which provide decent employment for our consultants and Phds and other development hustlers. For the schools which make sure your children can take over from you when you decide to retire. For not giving up on us the way they gave up on Europe. For hanging out with us even though they are going through a bad break up. Breakups are hard. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">We should also thank America, my dear. For supporting you. For helping you even though these days they don't agree with your definition of who a terror group is (I believe we can eventually convince them to hate those we hate). Darling, importantly we must thank them for that accent that our radio presenters across the country try so desperately to copy. Our cool radio stations would be dead without those grating, rolling Rs in words like 'lord' or even 'god'. Don't ask me how some manage to sneak an r into 'god'. You know how god works in mysterious ways. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">So, dear I know you don't drink alcohol. But you are a tolerant person and allow people to be who they want to be. I know the Shiite massacre is just an exception because this is not who you really are. Sometimes mistakes happen and hundreds of people die. Like that time our pilots killed those IDPs. But back to gratitude. I was saying that you don't drink alcohol but we should thank the country that gives our alcohol drinkers a sense of purpose. Many Nigerians may not realize Star Lager is a Dutch product, but they help some of our people effectively wash away their sorrows. So we must thank The Netherlands for providing this great product. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Ps. We must also pray for our people to stop drinking. This is important. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">We must remember to thank South Africa. For all the companies that make our lives bearable. For DSTV. For Shoprite. For MTN which teaches us values like patience and knowing how to have a backup plan. For being a big brother who disciplines the children of his younger brother from time to time (some people call it xenophobia but don't mind them please). </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">We must thank Switzerland. For consistently and safely storing money stolen from our country which keeps coming in handy and which helped us through this past recession. Such an amazing country with a big, non-judgmental heart. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">We must thank Dubai. For providing an alternative to some of our citizens who would be arrested if they travelled to the US. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">We must thank Germany (You remember West Germany? Yes that country). For Julius Berger. Without whom, in the event of an emergency, we would be in serious trouble. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Other countries to thank include Ghana, Cyprus, Ukraine, Malaysia, you know, for providing our middle-class with an opportunity to give their children a decent education. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I also think you should not forget Benin Republic. For all the cooks who keep the expatriates in Nigeria nourished while they provide us technical expertise and foreign aid.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">My dear, we owe China a big thank you. For the shinier, cheaper versions of all the things most of our people cannot afford. For the second-hand trains. I know we are paying for it somehow, but still, we must thank them. I know America sometimes whispers into our ear not to get in bed with them too often, but at least they are honest. They don’t lie to us about wanting to marry us or be our best friend. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Important non-state actors to thank include English football in general and the UEFA Champions League. For providing a distraction for young Nigerians who would otherwise have been in the streets being disloyal to you and asking you to fulfil all the promises you made in 2015. For the trends on Twitter on the weekends which gives us plenty to talk about. People don't realise how football has contributed to our stability as a nation: we spend time fighting over Arsenal and Manchester United or whether Ronaldo is better than Messi instead of fighting each other. God bless them. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">You must also thank foreign journalists who make it easy for you to express yourself. They make you overcome your shyness in speaking to the nation. We must thank them for knowing where to ask you questions and how. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Let us thank Chatham House, where politicians who feel uncomfortable mixing with the natives can travel to and safely express their political thoughts before the colonial masters who always appreciate it. Somehow it trickles down to the natives. Thank god for the internet and tv. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Can we also thank Jacob Zuma? For making you look amazing? Imagine if we had a country in Africa which was not only giving our economy a run for its money but also had a decent president who could read full sentences? Too much pressure. We need more people like him. More state captures. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Let me stop here my dear. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Ps. Maybe we can send a note of gratitude to the Shiites, who have not reacted violently even with how we killed Zakzaky's children and followers? So calm, those people. Can we just try to release the man and his wife? To show gratitude?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Yours till 2023 and forever, </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Elnathan John</span></div>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01571444901761993571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2407622167522164416.post-16817480740215872082017-09-26T02:07:00.001-07:002017-09-26T02:13:48.887-07:00THAT UN GENERAL ASSEMBLY SPEECH<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Darling Buhari,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I am still replaying your amazing speech at the UN General Assembly. I think it was the best speech ever. No other leader spoke better than you. And thank you for keeping to the time. Thank you for not being like Ghaddafi who used to spend hours speaking. I will just go over some of the amazing things you said.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">You know how you mentioned that the world must protect Rohingya Muslims who are being chased out of their country? I loved it! Some disloyal people are saying you are a hypocrite for killing Shiites in Nigeria and asking the world to save Rohingya. They know nothing. I know while writing you forgot to mention the Shia Muslims who are also being chased and killed in Nigeria. I know why you forgot. One reason is that it really is not your fault. Also, it is not like the Rohingya touched the chest of a Nigerian soldier. Because we both know the proportionate response to that is a massacre. But I digress. The second reason is that I know you are already thinking of releasing Zakzaky after the court orders saying so. I also know that you are thinking of releasing the many hundreds of Shiites who are currently being incarcerated without charge. Because you are so kind and loving and caring and thoughtful and devoted to the rule of law.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">You also gave a groundbreaking suggestion for how to deal with the nuclear threats from North Korea. You asked the United Nations to organize a visit of world leaders to Pyongyang to negotiate a settlement. You don't like conflict or war. Those same disloyal people rushed to point out that you respond to protests by rolling out the military, first to do a python dance and then to do a crocodile dance. They say that in response to agitation in the south-east you have gone to get a court order declaring them terrorists so that essentially you can kill them and detain them indefinitely. But darling they don't know you like I do. I know that you only declare them terrorists to put the fear of God in them, to make them repent from their ways. You don't really want to torture and kill them for simply protesting and asking for their own country. You love them more than you love North Korea only that you know with your own child you have to be tougher. I know this dear.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I am sure you have settled in London. Please, darling can we be better than the last time? Remember those months of silence? It was bad for our relationship and it made all the political hustlers and vultures come out, including that one who was leaking the memos he sent to you. Can you at least text me regularly even if you can't Skype or FaceTime me? I would really appreciate it and it will make our love grow stronger. Once a week, a few words to say you are ok and are taking your vitamins will be sufficient for me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Hmmm, my dear, when I saw you with Trump in New York I was worried fa. I was hoping he wouldn't grab you by the you-know-where. Because we don't know if he does both. I am glad you left there in one piece. I am not sure what those Americans saw in him to elect such a person. He is nothing like you. First look at his chin, you can see signs of excess and self-indulgence. You have always been fit and trim. He tweets like a 12-year-old. You don't tweet at all. He is threatening to go to war with North Korea. You hate war and only roll out soldiers to discipline your own children. You never threaten foreigners with your army.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I was watching the news regarding Spain and the people protesting for Catalan independence are getting more determined. They have seen your Python dance that is why. Do you want to offer them some consultancy on how to effect smooth forced disappearances? I am sure they will pay handsomely.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I keep wondering, maybe I missed the news but have you dealt with the report of the panel about the grass cutter and his corruption? What have you decided to do about him? It is not that I have anything against him, it is just that we have been screaming about anti-corruption and this one guy who is close to us is still out there enjoying his money, eating suya and drinking beer.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Please try and swear sweater o. You know Europe is entering autumn which is really cold for us. Drink hot tea and wear socks when you are in the house.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Talk soon.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Yours till 2023,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">PS. While I was posting this you came back home from London. I am glad you miss me that much. I hate it when you travel. Can we please build a hospital in Nigeria you can at least use sometimes? You know, something good enough for you (and me)? Hugs.</span></div>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01571444901761993571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2407622167522164416.post-85885788462928591652017-08-27T22:17:00.000-07:002017-08-27T22:18:58.840-07:00NIGERIAN SOCIAL MEDIA CLEANSING AND 'LOYALISATION' ACT 2017<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Darling Buhari,</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I almost missed this week's letter because I was busy making your favourite dishes and changing sheets. No one is happier than I am that you are back and ready to rule until 2023. Your speech gave me goose pimples. Short, firm and leaving no doubt about your power and resolve. 103 days have done nothing to your soul. You are still my dear, dear Buhari. I noted one thing in your speech. You mentioned how people stay up at night to write nonsense on social media and believe in foolish things like freedom of expression.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">So as part of my promise to support your recovery, I am writing a law to help you crack down on these lawless social media people. I know the National Broadcasting Commission wants to censor phone-in programs and live newspaper reviews but trust me, this is better.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">SOCIAL MEDIA CLEANSING AND 'LOYALISATION' ACT 2017</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">An Act providing for the cleansing of the nonsense and disloyalty by persons of bad character on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat and other forms of social media and other related matters.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">1. Interpretation</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">In this Act, unless the context otherwise requires-</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> Social media means any online platform where posts can be made, comments received and/or nudes sent.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> Disloyalty means not recognising the divinity and fatherhood of our master and political saviour General Buhari.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">2. Every Nigerian at home or abroad shall believe in the infallibility of our lion king and saviour of Nigerian democracy General Buhari and shall profess same through loving posts, prayers, and if absolutely necessary, kind complaints directed at the appropriate quarters.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">3. All complaints about life in or about Nigeria should be preceded by declarations of how horrible the last government was and an acknowledgement of the saving grace of the 2015 elections which brought the incorruptible leader to power.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">4. No person shall conduct or take part in a poll on any social media platform directed at promoting disaffection toward our incorruptible benevolent leader.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">5. No animals, beloved or otherwise, shall be named after our infallible, incorruptible leader, at the mention of whose name every Nigerian knee (or finger on social media) shall bow.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">6. In the event of an extremely embarrassing situation, like a rat invasion, no person shall directly accuse our incorruptible benevolent leader of anything. All complaints and calls for resignation shall be directed at the minions whose job it is to make the incorruptible leader look perfect. For the leader can do no wrong --- only his minions can stumble.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">7. No person shall under any circumstance demand that our incorruptible leader through whom we received salvation from the former corrupt leader, resign from office before 2023.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">8. No person shall spread rumours or cause rumours to be spread about the health of our leader or question his decision to work from home or any other decision. This includes but is not limited to any rude or mischievous hashtags, memes or parodies.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">9. The offence of Social Media Disloyalty</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">(1) A person commits the offence of Social Media Disloyalty if</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">(a) He or she, upon being the beneficiary of the generosity of our incorruptible leader, decides to cast aspersions on his person or doubt his intentions.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">(b) He or she asks makes fun of our incorruptible, benevolent leader.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">(c) He or she asks about the health of our incorruptible, benevolent leader and makes insinuations about incompetence of abdication of responsibility.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">(d) He or she asks the leader to resign for any reason whatsoever, including but not limited to being away from office for any length of time.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">(e) He or she commits any other act prohibited under this Act.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">(2) A person who commits the offence of Social Media Disloyalty shall be liable upon conviction to public flogging for one hour every day for three weeks in addition to having their devices confiscated and social media accounts deleted.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">My dear, please look at the law and send me your thoughts about any amendments. I am sorry about the rats which invaded your office. But somehow you know, I am glad you are working from home. It means we get to spend quality time together.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Ps. Dear, my weekly reminder: The Shiite man whose children and followers we massacred and buried in mass graves. I think it is time to release him. I know you are resting now that you have returned but please think of it. We have hurt the man enough. Let us release him and his wife. It is only fair.</span><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01571444901761993571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2407622167522164416.post-75138359470576119622017-08-17T06:56:00.001-07:002017-08-17T06:56:06.616-07:00NOW THAT YOU ARE A PRIVATE CITIZEN<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: 'Gill Sans Light'; font-size: 15px; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;">
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Darling Buhari,</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I was overjoyed at the recent ceremony on national television where you were crowned and declared a private citizen. This is the first step I think, to getting our healthy relationship back. There is nothing that destroys a relationship like third parties sticking their stupid noses in matters that don't concern them. Like your health or how much you are spending on your treatment or who is paying for your plane parked in London. First of all, your state of health is just between the both of us partners. It is my business whether or not you will be ready for the other room when you return. Or what exactly is wrong with you right now. Are they the ones who will boil hot water for you to take a bath? Or make miyan kuka for you? Also, about the plane, do they expect you to trek back from London? I don't understand these nosy people. At least now that that woman with the red eyes has done the needful, we can dispense with these silly inquiries about your state of health. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I also hear some people have been protesting with the hashtag #ReturnOrResign. Imagine the effrontery. Return where? Are you not at home in Abuja House? As if you owe them anything. Are you their father? Even I who is your darling has not asked you to resign or return. In fact, I think we should promote the Inspector General of Police who sprayed teargas on them and chased them away. But even better he deserves a promotion for escorting those we paid to organise a counter protest to say how much we love you. This, after all, is what the police ought to be doing. Not dangerous things like kidnappers and crime. We need our policemen and women alive and healthy to guard you when you return. No point going after dangerous criminals. Especially kidnappers who aren't killing anybody. Sometimes wealth needs to be redistributed by unconventional means such as ransom payments. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I read this terrible article saying that under your regime freedom of speech has suffered. I know they are making reference to a few governors who are addicted to Facebook and Twitter and get upset easily when they see something they don't like, including that short one with the burnt lips. Terrible article. I think we should just ban that phrase freedom of speech. Because it is not like the people who love you stop anybody from talking. They just don't like hearing a few things. So people can spend their time talking about useful things, like God or salvation or jollof rice. Not your health, or state-sponsored violence or discrimination or bigotry. What is the use in talking about these things and annoying people? Especially short people. Me I don't like annoying anyone so no one tried to stop my freedom of speech. I only write mostly about how much I love you. And if more people wrote about love instead of equal rights or development or being against police brutality, the nation would be a more peaceful place. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">One of your houseboys said a few days ago that "Media should be positively critical, media should be responsible." I love the term positively critical. If you allow me darling I will define what this means so that no one in media will get it twisted. Because it is important for the media to be on board with this. Positively critical means that it is critical to be positive. So, before anyone asks where you are or how much your medical bills are or why you won't resign, they must say something positive. Like how much they love you. Like how amazing you are. Like how you are our life leader. Things like that. By the time they are done expressing their love for you, they will likely find that there is no space for any criticism. Because no one criticises the one they love. That is why darling, you can do no wrong in my eyes. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Ps. Darling, my weekly reminder: The Shiite man whose children and followers we massacred and buried in mass graves. I think it is time to release him. I know you are busy taking vitamins to help you love me better when you return but please think of it. We have hurt the man enough. Let us release him and his wife and the rest that your worker Dick-Tai still has in his custody. It is only fair. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I love you more than Jollof rice. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Yours always,</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">E.</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01571444901761993571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2407622167522164416.post-32611000603767269422017-08-06T01:23:00.004-07:002017-08-06T01:23:41.782-07:00HIGH SPIRITS AND SOFT DRINKS<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Dearest Buhari, </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Glory to God in the highest. Your deputy just texted me to say you are in high spirits. I have changed the sheets in anticipation. In fact, your high spirits have made my own spirits high and I am busy whistling, removing cobwebs, washing curtains, writing down the names of people who have already been making moves to replace you, including those who leaked letters they sent to you so they can appear like smart people. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">I am glad the floods have abated around the country. I would hate to have to pick you up in a boat, not because I don't like swimming or boats, but I am not sure what type of boat you would like and all. We should talk about this when you return. But you know what I think? Just like the meningitis outbreak in Zamfara was a visitation of God (I trust the Governor’s opinion on this), the flood, especially in Lagos was connected to people’s attitudes. I know people say ignorant things like the Governor should have worked on a drainage system that works for Nigeria’s most important commercial city that his response should have been better, but I believe him when blames the flooding and lack of infrastructure on people who don't pay tax. I suspect the flood is not just about people not paying tax but also, with the number of hotels in Lagos, it must be connected to fornication. I remember staying in a hotel and hearing noises coming from a room. And I thought: God is going to flood this city one day. People really need to stop committing fornication whether in Zamfara or Lagos. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">You won't believe what Sahara Reporters said about your meeting with your deputy. They said he was with you for only 5 minutes and that all you guys did was exchange pleasantries. I know they did it to make people think you can hardly talk and are unfit to run this house and all but I was even happy when they reported that. For a few reasons. First off, it showed me you are faithful to me. You refuse to spend too much time with another person when you can't spend time with me. Next, really, most meetings can be compressed into 5 minutes. Nigerians just like long stories. Ask a Nigerian to convene a meeting he will begin by giving a silly opening remark about how he is very happy to be there and all the people who made it possible and how the event almost didn't happen. Then during comments, he will begin by thanking the organisers for organising the program then thanking them for inviting him then thanking the anchor for calling on him to speak. Then he will say he doesn't want to take too much of the time and will be brief. At this point, he will launch into a full speech. If we cut out all of this nonsense, meetings will last only 5 minutes. And finally when they said all you did was exchange pleasantries did they expect you to exchange hateful words? Why are people enemies of peace and progress? Can’t they just be happy for you? </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">So I see that Boko Haram is showing up again even though your army has technically defeated it without quite eradicating it. I don't know why Boko Haram will not accept that you have technically defeated them? Is it by force? Why can’t they just respect these declarations that our army make? Anyway, they can keep trying to bomb and we will keep declaring them defeated. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">My darling I just read this new report which says that soft drinks lead to erectile dysfunction and I really got scared. I hope you are not drinking Coke or Fanta fa! Ba na son wahala. Life is too short to have ED. I am not saying you should start taking hot drinks, I am just saying be careful. We can organise someone to export Fura or Kunu to London. After all, we are already paying thousands of pounds every day to maintain you and your presidential jet which I am happy is parked in the UK just in case you need to come and see me very quickly. Me I pledge not to do any soft drinks. I am doing exercise to prepare for your return and sticking to tea and fruits. Our enemies will not succeed. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">As usual, I am reminding you about the Shiite guy whose children and followers we massacred and buried in mass graves in Kaduna. I really believe it is time to let him go. We cannot bring back the people we buried. But we can stop the injustice from carrying on. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Send me a nice WhatsApp. Exchange pleasantries with me like you did with Yemi. Because you care about me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Yours always, </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Elnathan</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01571444901761993571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2407622167522164416.post-60981155116074321352017-08-06T01:19:00.003-07:002017-08-06T01:19:58.930-07:00WHAT I WILL DO IF I AM ELECTED TO OFFICE IN 2019 <div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Dearest Buhari,<br /><br />I am overjoyed at the rumours of your imminent return. When people start using your return to place bets, I know that you really are coming home soon. Darling, you remember that what is mine is yours and what is yours is mine abi? So, please don't take it the wrong way if I run for president especially now that the age has been reduced. At least it is better than risking one of those short men becoming president. Especially not the one who enjoys harassing people who write. I am sure you don't want anyone to harass me. <br /><br />I am ready for your return -- the bed is made, the sheets have been changed, there is food waiting for you in the freezer. All I need is to warm it when you come. And I know you like dumame. While I wait, I am working on my presidential bid.<br /><br />If they elect me in 2019, I will make a law stating that those who steal money just need to make a public vow that they will not steal again and declare that they have stopped stealing. Then perhaps make an apology. I mean the apology will not be compulsory but I will encourage them to do it. A bit like how Saraki simply agreed to stop collecting pension from Kwara State even though he is still a public officer. He is not even saying he will refund the millions he has collected illegally over the last 6 years. And people are angry. The real problem is that it is illegal. If my law is passed, no one will get angry over an issue like this. All Saraki would need to do would be to say, I have stopped. And everyone will be happy.<br /><br />Now that the US has agreed to sell us millions of dollars worth of attack planes, I would advise all the communities within the Nigerian Airforce's flight path to go and declare themselves before they cause trouble for them like those people who went and made themselves get killed by the Airforce in Rann. People keep saying the army should hold someone responsible. Me I think we should hold the people responsible for not appearing on the map. I will as president make it unnecessary for the armed forces to apologise or be held responsible. I mean it already happens now, but I will make it illegal to complain about the armed forces.<br /><br />Darling, I will also build a permanent Nigerian hospital in London (or any foreign country of your choosing). You know how people like complaining that you are abroad instead of treating yourself here at home? I think that once the facility abroad is a Nigerian facility, no one can complain because then you will be helping the country earn foreign exchange. Imagine earning money through our foreign hospital. In fact, I can designate the land upon which the hospital is built Nigerian embassy property, in which case anyone in that hospital is technically in Nigeria. Imagine, we can even get other African leaders to visit our Nigerian hospital in London or Germany so that they can tell their citizens that they are patronising African hospitals. Killing many birds with one big stone.<br /><br />In a similar vein, I will build a Nigerian university abroad so that our children who study abroad can say that they are studying in a Nigerian university. No one will ever be able to point fingers at us elites and say that our children are abroad instead of being in Nigerian schools. It will be like the American University. We will have the Nigerian University, London, Berlin, New York, Beijing, Tokyo, New Delhi, Dubai, Paris. No one will ever be able to point fingers at you ever again.<br /><br />I think I should also have a commission for politicians who want to attack writers or newspapers for writing about them. It is only fair. I want the attacks to be coordinated. Even violence should be carried out systematically. The commission will gather complaints from aggrieved politicians and allow politicians to attack together, a bit like car sharing. If two or more politicians hate an activist or writer or newspaper, they can just combine efforts instead of working at cross purposes.<br /><br />I will continue next week my dear. But for now I will just remind you about the Shiite man whose children we massacred in Kaduna. It is time to release him. I look forward to welcoming you. The fura da nono is in the fridge cooling. I would have come to the airport with flowers but I know you don't really care much for flowers. Ina jiran ka maigida na.<br /><br />Yours always,<br />Elnathan</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01571444901761993571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2407622167522164416.post-87671456229741678762017-07-08T16:19:00.003-07:002017-07-08T16:19:33.411-07:00A PHONE CONVERSATION WITH MR DEPUTY<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; font-size: 14px; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;">
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Dearest darling Buhari, </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I have spent all week ignoring the foolish people implying you are probably already dead. It is their erections that will die. Nonsense. So I was on the phone to your deputy. I will just write a transcript of the conversation because it is hard to explain. It makes me worry and but I don't want to stress you out. Anyway, please find below. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Your Deputy</b>: Saurayin Oga, how now? Long time. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Me</b>: Long time o, Oga deputy. How life?</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Your Deputy</b>: Life is scary o. You won't believe what has been happening.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Me</b>: Oya tell me na. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Your Deputy</b>: You know I have been trying since your darling left. I have really tried. I have travelled to see all our people. I have tried to broker peace in the Niger Delta. I have visited markets. I have tried to raise confidence in the economy…</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Me</b>: Yes yes yes… so what is the problem?</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Your Deputy</b>: You are too impatient. Allow me to finish. Is this how you are with Daddy Bubu?</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Me</b>: Ok sorry na. Continue. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Your Deputy</b>: I have even done everything to make people know that I am loyal to your darling Bubu. I went to Katsina if you remember and called Bubu my father. I reassured everyone that I am not interested in taking over your darling’s house and pushing him aside. All I have done is work. And yes if I work, people will notice. And they will talk about it. That is not my fault. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Me</b>: No it is not your fault. Even I have told my bubu not to be worried about you taking over his darling. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Your Deputy</b>: Of course not. You are not even my type. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Me</b>: Whatever. Me too I can’t be darling to anyone who is as short as you are. Plus you like wearing grey. Which makes you look even smaller…</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Your Deputy</b>: It is ok. No need to fight. I think you have made your point. Anyway. Now they are trying to remove me as deputy. I just travelled once and they were trying to install another deputy. No one has respect for me. I keep hearing rumours that they want to sabotage things so that people will hate me. And no it is not because I am short. It is because they are afraid that god forbid, if anything happens to your darling…</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Me</b>: God forbid. It is your darling something will happen to, not mine. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Your Deputy</b>: Haba. I am not wishing bad na. I am just talking about probabilities. Don't take this personal. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Me</b>: Oya continue. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Your Deputy</b>: People are afraid that I will take over the house and want to continue the way Jonathan did. And we all know how that ended. And it is not as if I am even interested. Now don't get me wrong. Of course everyone wants to be the head of the house and all but I know our family has agreed that the northern people do 8 years and then others can take over. And you know my senior brother also is waiting and if I interrupt the flow, it will affect his chances of becoming president of the house in 2023. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Me</b>: Hmmmm. That is a serious matter. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Your Deputy</b>: Yes it is. You know in this our house it is more important where you come from than what work you are actually doing. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Me</b>: Yes, I know. But I have a suggestion. Why can’t you just change ethnic group and religion?</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Your Deputy</b>: Change religion I understand. But change ethnic group?</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Me</b>: Yes na. You don't see what is happening in the world. People can now be transracial like they can be transgender. See that Rachel Dolezal who said she is now black. You can also just declare you are now a northern Muslim and then write a book about it and launch it at Yaradua Centre in Abuja. You know?</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Your Deputy</b>: That is a good point o. How about I say I just found out that my grandfather was actually a slave from Kano stolen and gifted to my great grandfather. I will try that. Thanks for the suggestion. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Me</b>: No wahala. Anyway, you keep doing the work. I will talk to my Bubu in a minute. And please can you help release that Shiite man whose children we killed because… hello? Hello? Are you still there? </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">***</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Darling Bubu, this was our conversation o. I don't know if it is the Shiite matter that made him drop the phone or it was just bad network. Maybe the network. What do you think we should do? I would appreciate a WhatsApp voice note, the type you sent me for Sallah. Also, I hear the process of recall of Senator Mai Mota is progressing. The house is really interesting these days. You even need a boat to move around Lagos streets. I have always wanted to use a boat in Nigeria. I think it will be beautiful if Lagos can become like Venice. We can just do sexy things like host a film festival and have celebrities arrive in pretty boats and yachts. Great for photos. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I miss you. I wanted to check our account balance to see how much we have left. Can you please tell me how much we have spent so far on treatment? I just want to know so that I can balance our accounts. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Yours always,</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Elnathan John. </span></div>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01571444901761993571noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2407622167522164416.post-25423551965305545732017-07-02T00:01:00.002-07:002017-07-02T01:38:36.199-07:00NIGERIAN TAILOR VICTIMS SUPPORT BILL 2017<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; background-color: white; font-family: Optima; font-size: 14px; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;">
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Dearest Buhari,</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">So, while you are recovering (by the way, thanks for that caring voice note you sent me for Sallah, you rock!) I have decided to be proactive and help you with governance. I have decided to sponsor bills on your behalf. I will start with a nationwide problem that needs to be tackled. Treacherous tailors who ruin our events. Please find below for your perusal. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">NIGERIAN TAILOR VICTIMS SUPPORT BILL 2017</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">A bill for an Act to cater to the millions of traumatised victims of tardy Nigerian tailors, to establish a Tailor Crimes Commission, Tailors Victims Support Commission and the Tailors Victims Support fund, to criminalise and provide punishment for tardiness by tailors and other matters related thereto.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">1. Interpretation</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">In this Bill, unless the context otherwise requires-</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"> “Tailor” means any individual engaged in the production of any type of apparel for human use irrespective of whatever cool appellation they may give themselves, including but not limited to pretentious titles like “seamstress”, “dressmaker”, “fashion designer”. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"> “Tardiness” means everything from non delivery of apparel given for production or delivery of said apparel at anytime after the agreed time and date for such production.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">2. Establishment of Tailor Crimes Commission </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">(1) There is hereby established a body to be known as the Nigerian Tailor Crimes Commission (hereinafter referred to as "the crimes commission”)</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">The crimes commission shall-</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">(a) be responsible for all matters affecting crimes by tailors in Nigeria as provided for in this Act;</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">(b) monitor and supervise Nigerian tailors in relation to international tailoring standards and advise Government thereon;</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">(c) prosecute arrest and investigate tailors who cause heartache and sorrow to innocent Nigerians whose only crime was engaging a Nigerian tailor;</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">(d) enlighten and inform the public on matters relating to their rights with regard to tailors;</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">(e) maintain an effective data bank on tailors and their crimes and reward tailors who are crime free</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">(f) be responsible for such other matters as relate to tailors in Nigeria as the Minister (for Internal Affairs) may, from time to time, direct.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">3. Tailor Crimes </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">(1) A person commits a Tailor Crime if</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">(a) He or she, being in receipt of a fabric, or money to purchase said fabric for the production of any apparel for human use fails completely to produce such apparel.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">(b) He or she, being in receipt of a fabric, or money to purchase said fabric for the production of any apparel for human use fails to deliver such apparel to the owner at or before the agreed time for delivery. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">(c) He or she, being in receipt of a fabric, or money to purchase said fabric for the production of any apparel for human use fails to produce the apparel according to the agreed specifications, making it either too small or too large or too different from the sample or totally unwearable or missing major appurtenances including but not limited to buttons or sequins or functional zippers, or button holes.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">(2) A person who commits a Tailor Crime shall be liable upon conviction to a term of imprisonment not exceeding 4 years including a fine covering the cost of a new apparel.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">(3) The following shall not be acceptable defences to Tailor Crimes </span></div>
<ol style="list-style-type: lower-alpha;">
<li style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Optima; font-size: 14px; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;"><span style="background-color: white; font-kerning: none;">“I get Catarrh”</span></li>
<li style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Optima; font-size: 14px; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;"><span style="background-color: white; font-kerning: none;">“I no well” when said excuse is not accompanied by doctors report or evidence of total physical incapacity.</span></li>
<li style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Optima; font-size: 14px; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;"><span style="background-color: white; font-kerning: none;">Wedding</span></li>
<li style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Optima; font-size: 14px; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;"><span style="background-color: white; font-kerning: none;">Wedding of one’s relatives</span></li>
<li style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Optima; font-size: 14px; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;"><span style="background-color: white; font-kerning: none;">Death of one’s grand mother or aunt or great-grandmother especially one who has died before</span></li>
<li style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Optima; font-size: 14px; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;"><span style="background-color: white; font-kerning: none;">“No light”</span></li>
<li style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Optima; font-size: 14px; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;"><span style="background-color: white; font-kerning: none;">“I no find landing for your cloth”</span></li>
<li style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Optima; font-size: 14px; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;"><span style="background-color: white; font-kerning: none;">Anybody’s second burial </span></li>
<li style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Optima; font-size: 14px; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;"><span style="background-color: white; font-kerning: none;">“My pikin no well” except when accompanied by evidence. </span></li>
</ol>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">4. The offence of Aggravated Tailor Crimes</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">(1) A person commits the offence of Aggravated Tailor Crimes when he or she commits Tailor Crimes more than once against the same person within a period of two months or commits more than one Tailor Crime against the same person, for example, being tardy AND ruining the apparel. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">(2) A person who commits the offence of Aggravated Tailor Crimes shall be liable upon conviction to a term of imprisonment not exceeding 8 years including a lifetime ban from being a tailor. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">5. Establishment of Tailor Victims Support Commission </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">(1) There is hereby established a body to be known as the Nigerian Tailor Victims Support Commission (hereinafter referred to as "the support commission”)</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">The support commission shall-</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">(a) be responsible for the emotional support of all victims of Tailor Crimes in Nigeria as provided for in this Act;</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">(b) respond to all emergencies relating to Nigerian tailors including but not limited to providing trauma counselling to victims whose spirits have been broken because a Nigerian tailor ruined their wedding, party, event, funeral, job interview, date, award ceremony other important event;</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">(c) hold town hall meetings to sensitise Nigerians on the dangers of Tailor Crimes;</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">(d) coordinate meetings and create local chapters of victim support groups online and offline;</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">6. Establishment of Tailor Victims Support Fund </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">(1) There is hereby established a fund to be known as the Nigerian Tailor Victims Support Fund (hereinafter referred to as "the fund”)</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">The fund shall-</span></div>
<ol style="list-style-type: lower-alpha;">
<li style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Optima; font-size: 14px; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-kerning: none;">consist of monthly tax from all tailors in Nigeria whether or not they have committed Tailor Crimes</span></li>
<li style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Optima; font-size: 14px; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-kerning: none;">Be used to support victims of Nigerian Tailors and run the support commission in general</span></li>
<li style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Optima; font-size: 14px; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-kerning: none;">Be used to pay for trauma treatment and new fabrics in compensation for Tailor Crimes. </span></li>
</ol>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Let me know what you think dear.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Your always,</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Elnathan John</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01571444901761993571noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2407622167522164416.post-16445073176489588182017-06-25T02:17:00.002-07:002017-06-25T02:19:39.037-07:00SPEECH IMPAIRMENTS, RECALLS AND EYESIGHT<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: 'Book Antiqua'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;">
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">Dearest Buhari,</span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;"> </span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: 'Book Antiqua'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; min-height: 21px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">They have come again o! I just read the Sahara Reporters people again and now they are saying you have a speech impairment. What nonsense! People wanting to use this as an excuse are saying that in 2010 you were asking where Yar’Adua was and demanding that if he was too sick to run the house he should resign. All I have to tell them is, jiya ba yau ba — yesterday is not today. And you are not Yar’Adua. Yar’Adua did not love me the way you do. Yar’Adua did not have or care about the “other room”. Yar’Adua did not give me my special place as the head of the 97% while protecting me from the 5% of people who do not deserve his love. And about the speech impairment rumor, do they not know that we communicate weekly, that our hearts speak as one, that I can feel you even if words do not pass between us? You know how growing up our parents will look at us in public and without saying a word we knew what they meant? Did they need words? And neither do you. I feel you. (Also, it is not like we need words in “the other room”. </span><span style="font-family: "apple color emoji"; line-height: normal;">😘</span><span style="font-kerning: none;">)</span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: 'Book Antiqua'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; min-height: 21px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Albishirin ka! They have begun the process of the recall of Senator Mai Mota. INEC has received bags of signatures signing the petition for his recall. Those Kogi people are serious fa. But you know I trust Senator Mai Mota. The God that made it possible for him to go to become a graduate of foreign universities by just doing one-week courses and helped him get his many many vehicles can help him dissolve those signatures into liquid, merge them and turn them into a blot on the paper. Because the God of Mai Mota works in mysterious ways!</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">My dear, I am so happy you are not in Nigeria o! Imagine just sitting there recovering from illness wearing a t-shirt and shorts, maybe even before taking a shower and then someone like Shehu Sani descending upon the house with journalists and cameras taking photos of you and posting it on Twitter and Instagram. Hmmmm. God forbid that Shehu Sani will use you for politics. Even me who is your darling, I don't share pictures of you in shorts on Twitter. Not even the ones you send me via WhatsApp. Please o, if you hear Shehu Sani is coming to London, wear your Caftan o, and in fact let him and his people keep their phones outside the door before you let them in. I don't want everyone seeing your sexy legs. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Let me tell you some gossip. So, Rotimi Amaechi has threatened to expose Nyesom Wike’s wife because Wike alleged that when Amaechi was governor state politicians used to make monthly payments to his wife. Amaechi then called Wike a thug, said he speaks bad English and that he is poorly dressed. The same Wike who was Amaechi’s Chief of Staff. I wonder if his English, being a thug or dressing has worsened over the years or if he was not these things when they were working together. In fact Amaechi once claimed that he begged Goodluck Jonathan to make Wike minister. You know those men who will sleep with a woman then when things don't work out will turn around and call her ugly and a whore? I am not saying Amaechi was sleeping with Wike (even though I do think they would make a charming couple), I am only saying Amaechi reminds me of those men. I hope they settle. Or that Wike maybe changed his dressing and takes language classes. Whatever will make them both happy. Because like we say, sun fi kusa. (I am sorry if now the thought of Amaechi and Wike sleeping with each other is in your head and won’t go away.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">So, you have to help us pray o. That small Kaduna governor who swore to arrest the old men pretending to be young men who gathered to tell Igbos to leave the north still can't find them. I know he wears glasses. But I also know his eye sight was perfect when he wanted to arrest other people who wrote things did not like. I hope it is not river blindness returning to Kaduna. Anyway, let us hope he finds them. Because I know they are not hiding. This is why when you come back, I want to do a pet project. I want all children to have carrots in their diet. For vitamin A which strengthens the eyes. I will buy truck loads of carrots and make carrot juice which we will donate to all school children. So that when they grow up they will be able to find what they are looking for. This will also lead to growth of the economy as carrot farmers will benefit greatly. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I miss you. Send me a WhatsApp soon. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And my weekly reminder: release the Shiite man whose children and followers we killed. There is no point holding him when the courts have asked us to let him go. Do it for me baby…</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Yours always. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">E. </span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01571444901761993571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2407622167522164416.post-45456817292410177592017-06-05T13:04:00.002-07:002017-06-05T13:04:34.597-07:00THE BENEFITS OF THE PROPOSED FUEL PRICE HIKE<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 15px; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;">
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">Dearest Buhari,</span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 15px; line-height: normal; min-height: 18px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">First off I am so glad you survived the London bridge attacks. I saw on Facebook that you were safe and all. What would I have done without you? God will not allow any terrorist to find you in your London home darling. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Anyway, so after your people at the embassy declared that you were rapidly improving I decided to mop and clean the other room and change the sheets and all. I am also airing the room just in case you decide to suddenly fly back once your deputy starts getting too popular. I want you to come back to a clean fresh house. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">So one of our workers Nodee, the one who says he has like 100 degrees, was caught on tape bribing a judge. Now the bribe aside, there are things I admire about Nodee. I like how he acquires degrees. I wish I had the confidence to do that. If he spends the night in a city that has a university and he strolls onto the campus in the evening to enjoy the academic breeze, he updates his CV to say he is a graduate of that institution. In a way he might be right. If he spent one week at Harvard and paid for his own ticket and accommodation, and ended up learning something there, he should be able to add that to his CV. Recently I spend two days at Yale University and I am working up the courage to add “Yale lecturer” to my CV. If Nodee can do it, I think I can. He has been working hard. Only recently he gathered some thieves to talk about how to end theft, which is smart because who else is best suited to end theft but thieves themselves. Just like how in some local communities, the local thugs and criminals are hired to protect the community. That way, instead of harassing and robbing people they are gainfully employed to protect the people. Makes sense. Or like in some movies where the thief who outsmarts the FBI ends up being recruited by the FBI. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">So our Senate has proposed an increase in the price of fuel. I know we promised everyone something different, change and all, but I am certain there are many advantages to increasing the cost of fuel even now that we are still in a recession. I will list just a few. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>1<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>It will reduce pollution</b>: Think of how many cars are on the road. Everyone wants to drive. With expensive fuel, people will begin to explore other alternatives, like car pooling, cycling, walking or just sitting at home. With fewer cars come less pollution and now that Trump has pulled out of the Paris climate deal, it is up to smaller countries like Nigeria to help keep our planet safe. Increasing the fuel price will achieve this quickly. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>2<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>It will create a healthier population</b>: Think of all the people that will buy bicycles and those who, instead of driving their Range Rovers to the neighborhood supermarket will walk there. The general weight of the population will decrease which will in turn lead to fewer health problems usually associated with sedentariness and weight gain. And a healthy population is a happy population. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>3<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>It will create happier united families.</b> Think of it this way: if fuel becomes very expensive, men may reconsider driving their mistresses around or even visiting them so often. And we all know that once you begin to neglect your mistress, that is the beginning of the end of the affair. And once the mistress gets angry and moves on, it saves the marriage. People will have to prioritize — the wife and children or the mistress. I know that some foolish men will end up choosing the mistress but those are the ones that nothing can save. But think of the few who will choose the wife. Think of those families that a fuel increase will save.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>4<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>It will reduce road accidents</b>: Naturally, it follows that with fewer cars we will have fewer accidents and fewer incidents of road rage. People will get to where they are going much faster and people will start turning up for events quicker. This might mark a cultural shift where people abandon Nigerian time as there will no longer be traffic to blame. Fewer accidents mean fewer deaths and a generally happier healthier population. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>5<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>It will draw people closer to God:</b> When fuel becomes expensive, God stands to gain. Here’s why. People will drive to church or Juma'at mosque. With super expensive fuel, you will not even be tempted to doze off in church or rush back home from the mosque. You will think of how much it cost you to get there and no one will tell you to cherish that time. People will spend more time in the houses of God because it would be a terrible waste not to. When they do this it will lead to a general appreciation for godly things and for the messages of salvation, whether Christian or Muslim. And nothing is better than a godly population. Fewer crimes, fewer people committing fornication and adultery, fewer STIs, fewer unwanted pregnancies and broken homes.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">So you see, we really need this fuel hike and I am glad that this is happening while you are in charge of the house. That way we can claim the glory for finally fixing this nation with one master stroke. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Please keep taking your drugs darling. I will be here waiting for you, whenever you decide to come back. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Yours always, </span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01571444901761993571noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2407622167522164416.post-62574596149615738082017-05-28T00:30:00.001-07:002017-05-28T00:30:08.360-07:00THE JOYS OF RECOVERY AND SOME GOSSIP <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Optima; font-size: 14px; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;">
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Dearest Buhari, </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">You know, to be honest, the most difficult part about you being away is not being able to spend time with you in the other room. But I will manage. As that Zamfara man rightly mentioned, God punishes human fornication with calamities like meningitis. I slept wrong the other night and woke up with just a bit of a stiff neck and thought for a moment that I perhaps had a visitation of God for my bad thoughts. But then it went away — it is a relief that God doesn't punish us for thoughts. Are you having bad thoughts my dear? </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">So I must tell you some gossip I heard. I don't know how true this is, but the wife of the Lagos guy, she went to church last weekend — she does so from time to time, praise God — and the silly pastor annoyed her. Can you imagine that he did not call her up first to be anointed with anointing oil? What if the oil had finished? What would she have told her husband if, after going to church and returning without getting something as basic as an anointing, he accused her of not being there at all? It is not like we have a video, and you know that without a video it did not happen. What if the Lagos guy started suspecting his wife of branching off to see some lover? What if this led to chaos? What if that in turn led to him doing something shameful that would lead to say, his impeachment? Surely that pastor put the great state of Lagos in great peril by not promptly giving that woman her anointing before all the other humans in the church. Humans are equal but some humans are more deserving of anointing oil than others. The biggest issue though is, I think that pastor should be arresting for peddling fake anointing and fake anointing oil. The news reports say that although she was furious, she still waited her turn to be anointed. Should authentic anointing not have quelled the spirit of anger inside her? Instead, right after receiving the anointing, she stormed out of the church, instigated the firing of the pastor and made her husband cancel events that were planned to be held at the church. An anointing that leaves one even more angry than before, is that one an anointing? </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">So I am wondering, what is your deputy doing? He promised to finalize the investigation of your thieving former secretary a couple of weeks ago and has still not said anything. I like closure. He should come out publicly and tell us how much your secretary stole and if we need to refer the matter to the police or EFCC. Or are some people too big to be visited by EFCC? We need to show that we have no sacred cows even though, going by his size your former secretary seems to have consumed many many cows, sacred and non sacred. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">So I hear someone from our embassy has leaked to the press that your health has improved significantly. They say you are very close to being declared hale and hearty. I love it when you are hale and hearty. So let me remind you what hale and hearty people do. They talk to their darlings and the people who love them. Now that you are doing alright, can we at least do a FaceTime video chat? Nothing naughty, no nudes or anything — I know you may not have the energy for that. But just let me see your face my Bubu. Also, you know the members of your household who haven't seen or heard from you in a long while might need proof of life so that they do not go and start working for other people. Just a short 45 second video beginning with “Fellow Nigerians”. You haven't done that in a while and I know they will love it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">One British man went on Twitter the other day announcing that you had died. He was even giving condolences to your wife! (I admit, as your preferred darling I was jealous). Imagine! He even tweeted at me to ask if I knew where you were, almost gloating that you had died. In my mind I said, it is your darling who will die not mine, nonsense!I wanted to tweet that but I didn't want to give him any room to say anything more so I just told him that we had WhatsApp’d and that you were doing just fine. Which is why I am happy that the embassy quickly leaked how you are doing ok and recovering quickly and all. I will just call it bad belle. What is his business with your health? What is his business if you have not spoken to us in a long while? Is it his family? He should go and face his Brexit and leave us alone jare. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I heard one of your houseboys told the press that the reason we are still holding that Shiite man whose children we massacred is that we want to protect him. It sounds like a good excuse I must admit. But I still think that it is better if we just let him and his family go so that we don't have to give great excuses like that in the future. What do you think?</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Again, your deputy is doing well but like I promised the last time, nothing he does will make me change my mind about you. Nothing he does will make me cheat on you. For one thing I am afraid of the Zamfara man’s God and of his meningitis. And another is that your deputy is too short and wears too dark clothes for me to abandon for my darling and follow him. I like tall men. Especially tall men who wear white. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Yours forever</span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01571444901761993571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2407622167522164416.post-88611194800715325452017-05-21T00:47:00.002-07:002017-05-21T01:02:06.010-07:00SHORT MEN, LITTLE DICTATORS<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Optima; font-size: 14px; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;">
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Dearest Buhari, </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I think I am coping well with this long distance relationship, better than I thought I would. The tips I sent last week are helping. I miss you. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">This week so many things happened, things that make me worry for our house and for our future. I know you will not be able to run this house forever. Someone will have to take over when you retire but I do not like what I see. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">First off that little man who always swears that he loves you more than he loves suya, more than all of his wives — he is letting his position get to his head. He is arresting people who write things he doesn't like. He is threatening people. In fact it got so bad that someone took him to court recently and won. The court prevented him from harassing or attempting to arrest her for the things she has written. You know what baffles me Bubu? This man has the worst insults on his burnt lips. You know the man who used to run our farm before, the slow one, Jonah? Do you remember how the little one used to insult him everyday; you know, that time he didn't have work? He was on Twitter morning afternoon and night saying the vilest things about Jonah. Of course we mostly agreed, but no one said, “you this little man, how dare you abuse Jonah?” No one arrested him. Now he threatens people who write articles. Is it something about short people? Because I expect that now that he is in a position of authority and can sit on high tables and chairs, he should calm down. What if he is charge of the whole house? Will he start making people disappear? But then look at your deputy. He is also a short man. But he does not have that kind of gra-gra. He does not harass people who talk about him. He is short but he thinks before he speaks. So it cannot be about height. Not all short people are nasty. Having said that, I must say that I love that you are tall and there is no way I would have chosen anyone less to be my darling. Hugs. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">My dear we have to talk about these your workers and relatives. You were clear when you were leaving that your deputy would take over and run things in your absence. I do not know why they are trying to undermine him. I tell you that little one gives short people a bad name so everyone is afraid that as a short man your deputy will also behave like the little one. But your deputy is not like that. They don't want him to sign cheques and things like that. They are keeping it until you can sign yourself. Me I have told them to let him do everything you used to do. Apart from love me that is. I am faithful to you my darling. But he has to be able to carry out all of the other duties of the head of the house. Otherwise what is the point of handing over to him? Please tell them to stop undermining him and to let him have to full authority to run this house properly. Especially about the budget. The house cannot wait until you return to get the budget. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Albishirin ka! Wallahi, you won’t believe it! So, that senator who does music videos and has ten cars, the one who is acting bodyguard to the senate president, yes that one — he said he wrote a book about how women selling tomatoes in the market can be corrupt. Wait let me laugh small first. Kai! The book was about corruption and guess who was there? The senate president who is being accused of corruption. Jonah’s wife — not the one we don't know, I mean the one with the tummy tuck who they told us stole from us. She was there with her fine gele sitting on the high table. I am not joking. My only annoyance while I was laughing is that one of your workers was also there. You need to talk to your workers and assistants. This is not the kind of place people connected to us should be visiting. You cannot have a gathering of people accused of theft celebrating a book about how to stop theft. That is like your former grass cutter secretary writing a book about how to keep fit. I wanted to buy the book just to laugh at home but I thought now that you are away I should save our money and not use it to buy worthless things. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I will end like always, to say, again, that I miss you and that you should take care of yourself. But also that we should let that Shiite man go home to mourn his children, the ones we killed. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Ps. The weather is nice these days. I wish you were here. We would have taken long walks and all. Do you know that I have lost weight? I went into one shop and tried the large t-shirts just for fun. You know I used to wear extra large and wallahi it fit! It fit! Now I have to maintain that weight and not drink too much fura before you return. Both of us will be slim together. I am excited. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Yours lovingly,</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Elnathan John. </span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01571444901761993571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2407622167522164416.post-17318091762130973192017-05-14T01:30:00.000-07:002017-05-14T01:31:12.451-07:00HOW TO MAKE A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP WORK<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14px; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;">
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Dearest Buhari, </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Since <a href="http://www.premiumtimesng.com/news/headlines/230592-breaking-buhari-off-london-another-medical-trip.html" target="_blank">you have been gone</a>, I have been thinking. I have no idea when you will return. I have no idea if it will be like the last time when you were away for many many weeks. But I know for sure though that this time, I am ready. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">To enable me handle this without going crazy I have been doing research about how to survive a long distance relationship. I have summarized all the knowledge I have gathered and decided to share with you. Because sharing is caring. Both of us have to make this work. I know you have handed over the running of the house to your deputy but our love remains the most important thing to me. Please read this carefully and tell me what you think.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>1. Set some ground rules to manage your expectations</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">So, I believe this is pretty self explanatory. Ground rules are important. Without ground rules one of us will do something to annoy the other without realizing it. These are my ground rules: a.) Eat healthy. b.) Sleep enough c.) Don't talk to other visitors (like you did with the King of Morocco the last time) before talking to me. If you can receive visitors, then you can talk to me. d.) Be honest about your health and whatever happens don't let me be the last to know. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>2. Make communication optional, organic and unconditional.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I was shocked when I saw this. I always thought one had to talk <i>all the time.</i> It is always good to learn. I have resolved not to demand that you give your family a regular broadcast — this was never your style. You have always been silent, talking only to your close friends and to America. I am not judging you for it. So, whenever you want, talk to us. Tell us you still care. That you still think of us. Of me. That you are still responsible for us. For me. Directly. Not through intermediaries. We know you are ill. We will not mind if you speak to us from the hospital for just a few minutes when you can. You know, any sentence beginning with “Fellow…”. I have missed hearing that from your lips. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>3. Talk dirty with each other</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Now I know you think I mean talking dirty the way white people do in all those bad films. “Harder, baby, harder…” That is what your enemies expect from you. They always want you to do things harder. Whether it is fighting corruption or the economy, they are never contented. They want you to go harder. But I am different baby. We can take this and make it a holy kind of talking dirty. How about I keep you updated on all the dirty things your staff are doing while you are gone? Like when someone is a thief or someone is abusing power or the security guards are harassing someone. You know, that kind of dirty. Let us try it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>4. Have a goal in mind</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">What is your goal? To carry on when you return until 2022? To retire in 2019? Let us think of these things so that we can plan ahead and people don't fight over our property. It will help all of us plan. It will also help us take time to decide who we want to run things when you retire so that you can focus on leading now. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>5. Give each other pet names</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">This is simple. That is why I call you Bubu. What do you want to call me? Something nice and easy that rolls off the tongue nicely. I like it when I call you Bubu. Bubu…Bubu…Bu…Ok, I’ll stop. (See? I miss you.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>6. Clarify your status</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Me I know our status. You are my partner. You are my leader. You are my darling. And I will wait for you. But you need to do the same clarification. What am I to you? Will you demonstrate this by talking to me this time? Or will I have to find out about you from people I did not choose, people who are not responsible for me, people who have not sworn to protect me so help them God. You have WhatsApp. You have FaceTime. You have Skype. You have fast London WiFi. We have no excuse not to make this work. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>7. Always have something to look forward to together</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I look forward to you returning. I look forward to you building a hospital near the house that you can go to instead of always having to fly far. I look forward to training our doctors enough so that we can trust them to treat you. I look forward to knowing where I stand with you in 2019. I look forward to having that Shiite man released and having him off my conscience especially after we have destroyed everything he has and killed most of his children and destroyed his property. I look forward to having the herdsmen around the house and the farmers not fighting with and killing each other — there is enough land for them all. I look forward to these and more. What do you look forward to my darling?</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Talk soon. (Ps. I miss cooking for you.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Yours in sickness and in health,</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Elnathan John</span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01571444901761993571noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2407622167522164416.post-60907083340691733142017-04-30T01:11:00.002-07:002017-04-30T01:11:27.135-07:00THE JOYS AND BLESSINGS OF WORKING FROM HOME<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Optima; font-size: 14px; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;">
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">Dearest Buhari,</span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">While your detractors cast aspersions on you in everything, all you have done since your return from London is show me how much you love me. You know I have been working from home since late 2012 and since we became a couple on May 29, 2015, I have remained at home while you have gone to the office and even travelled the world to make life better for both of us. And for this I am thankful. For all you have done for me, I am truly thankful. Now that the doctors have asked you to take it slow (I hope it has nothing to do with our love life), you have decided to work from home. Only last week you considered my feelings and asked your secretary who I have accused of theft to stop coming to work. And now this week you have decided to spend quality time at home. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I will not ask you not to bring your files home. As long as you are here with me and I can see you all day, it is good enough for me. There is nothing so urgent at work that you cannot do from our home or even from the other room. You know we have the internet now and if they want they can always Skype you or send you documents via Dropbox. They keep complaining about the Federal Executive Council meeting which you have missed twice now. This is why your workers should learn how to use Skype. Can’t the Ministers just put a screen where your chair is and you Skype in from the bed? They don't need to see your entire body in bed. They only need to see your face. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">People worry too much. Your job as a Chief Executive does not include dancing on stage or heavy lifting. If you wanted to do a job that required your physical presence all the time, you would have become a petrol station attendant. And even that will soon change when we start building stations that have self service like the ones I saw when I was in America where you can just drive in swipe your card and fill up your tank without having to speak to another annoying human being who will ask you stupid questions or judge your clothes or hair or god forbid beg you for money. You are not a Nigerian petrol station attendant. You can work from wherever you like, even our bed. Your cabinet member, Shit-something - I forget now, the one in charge of communications… he should arrange virtual meetings. What is he waiting for? Even though I heard he is very religious and may be afraid of the internet just in case he is trying to download Skype and he mistakenly sees those pop-up ads with naked people asking if you want to meet hot women in your area. He might be afraid that this will ruin his relationship with God. But we must reassure him that he doesn't have to see pornography. Once he installs the appropriate ad blockers and avoids suspicious websites and Twitter accounts that have triple x’s in their names, like @Naijaxxx or @Ebonyxxx he and his relationship with the almighty will be fine. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">You know one of the benefits of working from home darling? I mean apart from the fact that we get to spend time together? You don't even have to shower when you Skype into work! You can just wash your face, do rub and shine like we used to do in school during harmattan when it was too cold to bath with cold water and we were too late to wait for our turn to use the stove to get hot water. You know, just wash your face and apply some cream. In fact, especially if you are sitting down, you can wear only a nice shirt, no one will know you don't have trousers or shoes on. I saw it once when I walked into in a television studio in Germany where one sports presenter was actually wearing shorts and sneakers underneath his suit and tie. (I almost said “shower” above instead of “bath” but then I admonished myself not to lie about my humble beginnings. Because our bathroom growing up consisted of a tiny room with a hole through the wall that allowed water to flow out — like everyone in the area, we used buckets and little plastic bowls to take our bath. The closest thing to a shower we had was when it rained.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Another advantage of working from home is that I can cook for you as you attend to files and you can smell the aroma from the kitchen, where, you know, I belong. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I just hope these your cabinet people will grow some sense and all install Skype on their devices so that we can just move your office, maybe even permanently, to the house. You will never have to see their faces again. You won’t have to see that one that wears the red beret. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Ps. Just a reminder about that guy whose children we killed. The Shiite man. I think it is time to let him go. Please think about it darling. Let us do justice by him. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Pps. Also, I wanted to say I think we should send that Lai to Senegal, seeing as he thinks their jollof is better than ours, but I think his problems may originate from a deeper place. He might have grown up with wicked step brothers who spat in his jollof or maybe they didn't know how to cook at all in his family home. In any case, I think he needs therapy before he disgraces us further on international television. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Yours lovingly,</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">E. </span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01571444901761993571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2407622167522164416.post-11852923034258566362017-04-10T01:04:00.001-07:002017-04-10T01:04:20.911-07:00GOD AND KARMA AND MY JET LAG<br />
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Dearest Buhari, </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Hmmmmm! So, this is the jet lag rich people’s children always talk about when they come back from America? I am in New York o and when it became morning in Nigeria I woke up even though it was still night here. Ah, my darling, now I can also be like all the cool Nigerians who, (in addition to beginning every sentence with “in America” or “when I was in America”) for 3 months after they return from the US tell everybody about their jet lag. Will I be hungry? I will say, maybe it is that jet lag from 3 weeks ago. If I come out of our “other room” and I am exhausted, I will say oh, baby, I think I have jet lag. I will wink, and you will understand. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Play aside baby, there is something you need to attend to quickly. In fact I have WhatsApp’d you just in case this letter doesn't reach you quickly. That crazy guy who works for us in Lagos is killing people in Otodo Gbame over land o. They are driving poor people from the only livelihood they have with fire and bulldozers and bullets. I know they or their parents must have offended God or karma somehow to be poor — it is not our portion — but we should not just keep quiet while he kills people o. I don't want poor people’s blood on our hands when we are peacefully enjoying our retirement. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Hmmmmm! Did you just hear what I heard? The Zamfara Governor in his wisdom just gave us the key to all the suffering and death that has been happening in northern Nigeria because of meningitis. You know darling, to be honest, I did not take him seriously at first, and like the Emir of Kano, I thought he was wrong and all but I think he is onto something here. He said that the reason that people in northern Nigeria were dying of meningitis was <b><i>not</i></b> because we were negligent and failed to prepare for it but because of all God is punishing us for all our fornication. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Darling, wait. Just look at things from God’s viewpoint. You know how how our northern Nigeria has changed and young people are now fornicating like never before, hooking up using BBM and 2go and Facebook and WhatsApp. The same hands they use to say their prayers they now use to touch each other (and even touch themselves, because technically, touching yourself is also fornication — I promise while I am away in New York I will not touch myself. These American people won’t know what to do if I catch meningitis). Imagine how you feel just reading this. Then imagine if you had the power to see all the fornication that was happening as if it were on one screen, like CCTV. You too would be quite upset. We should be lucky God did not send a flood or something like that. That would have been worse. The only thing I wish is, that God would turn his attention a little from punishing fornication to punishing theft. At least then that criminal grasscutter secretary of yours would not be whistling gospel songs every morning when we all know he is a thief. He would have been struck with meningitis by now, and by his twisted neck everyone would have know the thief. I am really just happy that we are both in a godly relationship and don't have to bother about catching meningitis. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">So I heard that the court has let go of all the people we reported for stealing from us. If you ask me the real problem is not the court but the foolish lawyers who handled the cases. Instead of them to settle down and do the work that we asked them to do, they prefer to do gra-gra and be boasting and then in the end, the court throws out our cases. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Can I just say, thank God for small mercies? You know how we have been going through a rough patch recently, and with you being away and people talking nonsense about that, and us being low on food and kidnappers running wild in our neighborhood, I just realized the most unlikely thing to cushion the effect. Even on weekends when there is no food, or when our security guards kill someone, once there is football, all people are concerned with is whether Arsenal won or lost and whether Manchester United scored or not. I think we should make it easier for our workers and children to have access to international football. Also, this game called Big Brother. Even the most serious members of our house, they can spend all day arguing about what essentially is a game with a few adults locked up in a house where they drink and dance and fight and talk rubbish and some even say fornicate (I hope the God of Governor Yari doesn't visit them with meningitis). So, you have everyone glued to this game and even if there is no food, people will be fine once they can watch Big Brother. These things work like magic. (But now that Big Brother has ended have to find something else to keep the people entertained o).</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I hear that people are attacking and killing our relatives in India and South Africa. Shouldn't we do something about this? Why do we let them just disrespect us? Me, if you ask me, I think it is the way we let these idiots run amok in our own house, thieves and rapists and criminals. If there was justice at home, maybe people would respect us a bit and not just think they can easily kill us wherever we are. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I heard one of the guards, the man from the Navy, they say he shot himself. But we know that he was investigating other guards. And suddenly he turned up dead and some people want us to believe he killed himself. Please when you have the time look into the matter. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I am traveling next week to America darling. What do you want me to buy for you? I know you don't like expensive things but I insist on buying something for you my dear. Let us talk about it when we see later. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I hope you were able to see the doctors that came. Please don’t forget to take your drugs. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Ps. I wont get tired of saying this. Let us release that man whose children we killed, the Shiite man. I don't want him to die in our custody. That would be bring bad karma for us. And me I don't like bad karma. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Yours forever,</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">E.</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01571444901761993571noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2407622167522164416.post-34073425440996448902017-04-02T00:58:00.002-07:002017-04-02T01:05:15.502-07:00THANKS FOR STAYING BUBU. <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Optima; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;">
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<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">Dearest Buhari,</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">You may not realise it, but you made my week. You have proved your love for me. You have shamed all the naysayers. Our love will last forever. For this single act of yours — not traveling to London like every hater thought you would — you have won my heart. You have shown that no expense is too big for you to keep spending quality time with me. I know we will have to take money from running the house to fly in the doctors from London together with all their equipment but it is worth it. Some people want us to tell them how much we are spending to bring in a foreign doctor, but is it their business? And is it their money? </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I know some people will say that well, you should build a hospital here that is good enough bla bla bla, but I say those people should mind their business. You build a hospital here and one day you will be naked on the operating table and that is how naked photos of you will end up on the internet. Because yes that is how Nigerians are. They cannot keep a secret. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I know people were waiting for you to leave again so they could come and try to woo me so that I can leave you. But you have shocked them. Thank you my darling. I will clear out the boys quarters and ask some of the workers to vacate their rooms for the doctors and their equipment. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">You know that political hustler? Nodee? The one who lied about having degrees from Harvard just because he visited for one week and bought stickers from their shop? The one who replaced his older dark skinned battered wife for a brand new light skinned bae? (I mean that one didn't last too but that is not the point). He is there with his friends making a mockery of our house. Instead of them to do the job we sent them to do, they are spending time on useless things. Maybe we should close this our Senate already. Because really what is the use of having a Senate in our house? With the billions we spend yearly on these immature people, what do we get in return? Anyway darling, that is something I think we should talk about after you finish eating and taking your drugs. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Our security men have detained another person, a woman this time, for writing something. I really think this is a distraction. We have more serious issues, like armed robberies, people trying to kidnap our children, some of our workers fighting naked in the street, our gardener (who is also an Apostle of his own church) impregnating young girls, having threesomes and ejaculating on their backs, the herdsmen in front of our house clashing with the farmers, you know, important things. We can’t be having them detaining people for saying things they don't like. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Darling, I know the drugs you are taking make you tired and you cannot love me like you used to or work for many hours a day but I will just list the normal reminders so that whenever you can, we can sort them out. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">THE GRASS CUTTER (To be fired)</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">He is still there flaring his nose, singing praise and worship songs in the morning when he washes your car by my window. It still annoys me that the thief is still acting like a man of God. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">THE AUDITOR (Clarify Status)</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">The guy who checks for economic crimes is still there hanging. The workers don't want to let him in to do his job because they think he will finger them in some fraud. Look I know he himself is not clean but you need to step in as the head of this house and make a decision. Either we get a new auditor or you put your foot down and walk him into the house yourself. You have to say something. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">THE GUY WHOSE CHILDREN WE KILLED (Release) </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">You haven't said anything about this. He is blind. We have murdered 80% of his family. Maybe it is time to release him. I know you do not like him or the way he prays, but this is not reason for us to keep him or kill his people. I know you are not a bad man and that he provoked you, but you have to show you are bigger than this. It is time to let this go. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">THE HOUSE OUR SECURITY MEN DESTROYED BY MISTAKE (Reparations)</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I think you should visit that house in Rann which our security men set on fire by mistake and killed hundreds of people. They say it was a mistake and we should do something about it. Visit them. Or at least send your deputy. They need to be taken care of. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">THE HERDSMEN IN FRONT OF OUR HOUSE (Delineate land) </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">This is the one that worries me a lot darling. The way things are going, our entire house will be affected by this crisis if we do not call the herdsmen and the farmers and settle things once and for all. After all it is our land and we cannot continue to act like it does not concern us. And especially as the herdsmen are your brothers, this is the time to sit them down and intervene so they do not have to take laws into their hands when someone kills their cows or hurts their children. We must talk about the land and come to an agreement about how to farm and graze without conflict like we used to do in the old days when we were both young and you used to carry me on your shoulders. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I hope these reminders don't irritate you my love. I have put a pot of tea in the bedroom. Use the honey. I hear it is better than sugar. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Love always</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Ps. I bought new massage oils. You’ll love them. Can’t wait.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">E. </span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01571444901761993571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2407622167522164416.post-61370413073923243022017-03-26T05:07:00.003-07:002017-03-26T05:07:52.621-07:00WHAT SHALL WE DO ABOUT OUR WORKERS? <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Optima; font-size: 15px; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;">
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Dearest Buhari, </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I like this our little letter-writing ritual. It makes me feel closer to you even though you are back now. So romantic. I am glad that you are eating and working again. It is such a relief to see the men who were queuing up to take over from you no longer hovering around. I know they are still there. They are lurking in the shadows peeping to see if you are really healthy or not. They should stay where they are because my love for you dear darling will never die. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">So, that man who shouts like he is still a Student Union leader and brags about his many cars and fancy motorcycles, did you hear what they are saying about him? You know he came and told us that he has seven degrees and all. Ashe, even the Harvard he said he went to it was just a one week course that he paid plenty money to do. Anyone with money can pay to do those one week things where they give you a certificate of attendance. Then they go to the Harvard shop and buy Harvard alumni stickers and put all over their cars to impress their many side chics. Because you know they can’t use it to impress their wives — their wives who probably helped them pack for one week know very well it is just a professional development course and not a degree. In fact they are saying he probably graduated with a third class. My dear we both know that this doesn’t matter. You may not have gone to university but you are my leader and love. I don't even care if you don't have a school leaving certificate. The man does not know it is not by having fake Harvard alumni stickers that you become succesful. The man does not grow up. He is still the same political hustler that he was as a student union hustler. But he is not very smart. He is always the one in front fighting other people’s dirty wars. He is like a high class thug for hire. But they say that the chicken that likes to be the first to show up will likely be the first to enter the pot of soup. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">So, my dear how far? It is not that I want to annoy you, but that grass cutter is still parading by my window every morning, whistling as he washes your car, singing hymns and worship songs as if he is not a thief. I really think we should take care of this guy once and for all. Think of my nerves and peace of mind. Don't let a thief spend so much time in our house. Like I keep saying, our other workers will think they too can steal our money in the name of cutting grass. Please darling. Let us let him go. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">There is this serious thing I have been meaning to talk about. You remember how the boys we sent to guard our farm in Rann went and mistakenly killed people? You know we have not visited Rann yet to apologize? And our boys who made the mistake are still driving around town like nothing happened. We can’t just mistakenly kill people’s children and not do something about it. Especially when we show empathy when our white neighbours get hurt. It looks one kain. Please let us look into the matter again. We are not bad people. Those boys were just careless. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">If you ask me my dear, the way the workers fight amongst themselves, I feel like if someone wants to attack us from outside it will be easy. We can’t have our own workers sabotaging our progress because they are fighting among themselves. Our enemies are not organised. Those of them who are not at the police station facing charges of theft are running up and down to hide the money they stole. If anyone will bring us down it will be one of these oversabi workers we have or those who want to take your place or one of our own people who have been quietly stealing under our noses. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Darling, can I ask a favor? I know you don't like him and all but I think he has suffered enough. The Sheikh whose children we have killed. I know he offended you by hitting your chest and all but ok, you have killed like five of his children. And he is going blind where he is locked up. I don't think there is anything left to prove. It doesn’t look good at all. Remember when we were building our house, we visited him and all, there are even photos of that short man who pretends to like you squatting in his room looking for support. I know it Is a difficult situation but maybe it is time to just let go. I know you are kind my darling. Let us let him go. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Ehen, I forgot to ask, do you want one or two spoons of sugar in your fura? If you ask me, I think you should reduce sugar now that you are recovering. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">See you in the other room. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Love </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">E. </span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01571444901761993571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2407622167522164416.post-87417766869926625582017-03-19T01:46:00.000-07:002017-03-19T01:46:11.438-07:00SO I HEARD YOU GOT A MEMO <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(33, 33, 33); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; color: #212121; font-family: Optima; font-size: 15.7px; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;">
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Dearest Buhari, </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I know you are back and I can just walk into the other room to chat with you but I like these letters. I think it is romantic for you to come home from work at 3 or 4pm to a letter from me leaning on the bedside stool. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">So I heard you got a letter from that short man who pretends to love you. Found it in the bin when I was doing spring cleaning. Somehow we missed it in the mail (even though I suspect that your uncle or one of our workers, trying to shield you from him, must have binned the letter.) If it wasn't that the letter was dated September 2016, I would have called him a copy cat who sends letters to you because I am sending letters to you. Maybe he thought you weren’t going to come back. Who knows. I laughed a lot when I read the letter and I am sure you would too. But since you are busy and really we don't have time to spend on that man, I will just give you the highlights so we can giggle together. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">First off, I believe he has been eyeing this home of ours. He wants to replace you and thinks that somehow if he comes as the friend of my darling he can dance his way to my heart. You know those men who say oh I am your husbands close friend, then tries to touch you inappropriately when your husband is not looking. He believes that you may not be able to take care of me for much longer and thinks that perhaps it is time to start coming close. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">He basically says that all of your workers and colleagues either lack humility or are stupid. I do not disagree with him, it is just that I thought as a man who has no humility himself I thought this arrogance would be a quality he cherished. It is like a Nigerian restaurant owner hating the smell of egusi soup. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">While we are on the issue of humility and your workers, why is one of the gatemen refusing to wear the uniform of the security company he works for? We know Hammed is an old soldier but he should not be proud. He agreed to man one of our gates and he should do his job properly. We can’t have other security men wearing their uniforms and Hameed acting like he is too big to wear a uniform. We are not interested in how he feels about the uniform. If he wants to man that gate he should not embarrass us. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">So the letter reminds me of one of my own concerns. The grass cutter guy. Your secretary. I know you have just returned and all but really darling, are we just going to let him continue acting as your secretary after he has stolen our money? We have all the papers that show that he lied and personally profitted from an errand that we gave him. If we do not handle this matter soon, other workers may think we are soft and try to steal from us too. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Ehen, before I forget, the guys who help us interview our staff say that the guy who we wanted to employ to check if any of the workers have committed fraud keep insisting that he is unfit to work for us. And you know we engaged them because this is how we have agreed to run our house: professionally and democratically. If their consensus is that he is untrustworthy, shouldn't we just look for someone else? I heard that one of the security men sent a letter to say he heard the man is a thief. We do not know. There are many other fish in the sea. (But I don't want you to use that saying for me o! In your life, I am the only fish in the sea. In fact I am the only living creature). </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">But wait o, this one that I am explaining this letter to you, maybe you have even read it. Have you read the letter and decided it wasn't worth your attention? Or did those your PA’s destroy bin it before it got to you? Now I am worried. Because if you have not read it how many other letters and memos have disappeared? Let us be careful o. That is how overzealous staff will make us lose letters.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I just want to say that I am here for you anytime. I don't care what the doctors say, you will always be my only true love. That guy who wrote that letter may have said some things that are true (except the funny part about humility, who is he trying to kid? Look how he treats the people who send <i>him</i> letters. He attacks them or tries to get them arrested or jailed. Petina.) but look he just wants to find his way to my heart. And how do you even begin making moves on someone’s lover when they are still around. You will recover fully my love and our love will grow stronger. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Ps. Please this is another reminder about the grass cutter. Fire him please. it annoys me to see him everyday pretending like he is a clean godly worker. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Pps. There is fura in the fridge in case you want something before I finish cooking. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Love, </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">E</span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01571444901761993571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2407622167522164416.post-34815261427876554102017-03-12T00:49:00.001-08:002017-03-12T00:59:09.506-08:00NOW THAT YOU ARE BACK<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Optima; font-size: 15px; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;">
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Dearest Buhari,</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">If you hear your ears ringing it is the sound of me crying out in jubilation at your return Bubu. If you feel tremors beneath your feet it is me pounding the ground in a happy dance. If you hear uncomfortable squeaky sounds it is me, moving things around in the other room as you settle in this weekend. Thank you for reading my letters and for deciding to come home Bubu.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">You have to forgive me. I was being selfish thinking you no longer loved me. I even accused you of cheating, with London, with King Mohammed of Morocco and even Trump. Your people, the ones who shielded me from seeing you or hearing your voice swore to God that you were hale and hearty and just resting. They swore one their dead parents’ graves that you my love were not very ill. But after reading what you said about your own illness upon arrival I feel bad. You said you were taking lots of drugs and got blood transfusions. You even said that since your days as a young man you had never been this ill. You see, they lied to me. If I had know you were so ill, I would have come to take care of you in London. I would have cooked for you, wiped all your cracks and crevices clean. I would have been patient. Why did they tell me you were hale and hearty? I know why. They want us to break up. They want to destroy our love and drive a wedge between us. But the devil is a liar and so are his children. Now that I know that you were very ill, I will understand if you have to go back to London for treatment. (I am wondering what happened to all those who lied in God’s name about your illness. Will God punish them for taking his name in vain? I hope so. And those who swore on their parents’ graves that you were hale and hearty, what will happen to those graves? Because it is not their dead parents fault that their children are damn shameless liars. I think they should continue resting in peace.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I know we can’t resume our relationship like it was before because you have to rest and all. I am patient. Your deputy will take care of the house this weekend while I watch you and take care of you. Some wicked people are suggesting that if, even after your return you still need your deputy to take care of the house while you rest may be I should look for another lover especially as I am still young and healthy. They say that it is not your birthright to be head of this house. They point to Europe and America and say that if we were there you would have just retired and asked me to find a younger healthier person. I just want to say that you should not allow any of that talk bother you. I am here for you because I know that you came back for me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Our house has continued suffering recession and really some of your houseboys have gone wild and crazy but I know that you suffered more than we all did while you were in London. Especially the food. We both know that one of the main reasons why the British thought it necessary to violently invade 25% of the world is that they could not bear the thought of one more year with their own horrible food and weather. And to think you spent almost two months there. I hope you were able to get some edible Halal food. No wonder you lost so much weight. The illnesses are bad enough then add tasteless meals to that. No. Your suffering was greater than ours. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">If you ask me the next time you have to go back to London, we should go together and pack some soup ingredients so I can cook for you in London. But if you just want to rest without me, I understand. In that case I would recommend that you travel with one cook from Abuja. I know some have suggested that you build hospitals that you can feel confident enough to attend here in Nigeria, but sometimes the body needs that feeling of traveling abroad to respond to treatment. Also those people speaking are just haters who wish you ill anyway. It is not your fault that we do not have stable electricity. Do they want electricity to go off while you are doing a medical procedure? They wish you evil those people. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Meanwhile, now that you are back Bubu, I will make a list of all the people who must have skipped your mind, including the grass cutter who is really bringing shame to our house. Not just the size of his belly but the fact that he diverted our money and everyone thinks he is a thief. We shouldn't have thieves parading confidently in our yard. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Also, can we talk about how all your workers just think they can use our security guards like their personal property? I thought they were professionals. We cannot have workers who have private disputes with their lovers then use our security guards to settle it. You know that one who calls himself Apostle in our backyard? That is how he got some of the guards to detain a woman on whose back he was ejaculating. For three days they held her without charge. Imagine. As if our guards had nothing better to do. But that bald headed self-styled Apostle, you would not even imagine he was that imaginative, to finish off on the woman's back. I wonder if he does that with his own wife. Where do people learn such things even? Anyway, better the back than the face or hair. No?</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Let me take hot water into the bathroom for you. I know you have a hot shower but we both know that it is more romantic for me to put water on the fire for you. Also, what if there is no electricity. Take your time in the shower and call out if you need me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Ps. I trust that now that you are back we will resume communicating like the happy couple that we are and that you will not allow your uncle or whoever is around you come between us again Bubu. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Pps. I heard that short man who claims to be your friend didn’t even come to the airport behind his house to welcome you back. I hope he has a good excuse, like being very far away. Otherwise it might be because you embarrassed him that last time he came to greet you. You know how he likes to keep a grudge. So petty that small one. We should call him Petina. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Yours forever</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">E.</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01571444901761993571noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2407622167522164416.post-32614186524031795672017-03-05T00:18:00.002-08:002017-03-05T00:18:35.137-08:00BECAUSE LOVE IS PATIENT<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Optima; font-size: 15px; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;">
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">Dearest Buhari,</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I have gone through my last three letters. Meticulously. Underlined every word. Went back to check for words with multiple meanings. Because I am thinking maybe it is me. Maybe I am the reason you are not responding to me, not talking to me. Maybe the letters annoy you. Maybe it was the typos in at least two of the letters. I know you are a meticulous man and I can understand how a typo can irritate you so bad you do not want to love me anymore. I apologize for any typos. But man proposes, God disposes — you do believe that every event is destined by God no? Or maybe it was because I called you General? So I am not taking any chances now Bubu. I only called you General because your love makes me stand erect, at attention. Ok, maybe you don't find that funny and I apologize. However I need to talk about something else. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I am hurt. Deeply. Your friends told me that you spoke to the King of Morocco. Morocco! He called you. First that means that he has your number. I know he is a head of state and has contact with the presidency and all, even visited Abuja but, how did he get your number in London? How long has this been going on? And why the King of Morocco? He is not even your type. I have lived long enough with you to know what turns your head and no, Mohammed VI is not it. What did you see in him that you did not see in me? Ok, I have dropped the demand that you call me via Skype. Maybe you are self conscious and do not want me to see your face. But at least WhatsApp. Write me. Speak to me. Not through that houseboy of yours who looks like a pigeon. Ok, let me stop, I am getting angry. Let me simply explain to you why you speaking to Mohammed VI hurts me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">First off the King of Morocco is not like you. You didn’t inherit anything and I know you loved me because I worked hard from scratch and am not a daddy’s boy. Mohammed VI is only king because his daddy was king. You built your name from scratch. You fought in wars. And you admired me because I was in some small way like you. You love hard workers. On the day of his birth, Mohammed was appointed Heir Apparent and Crown Prince! Is that the kind of person you want to be having an affair with? Someone who does not know anything about work? Is this the kind of person you are refusing to talk to me for?</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Yes he may have developed Morocco a bit but he also has been accused of corruption. But more than that Bubu dear, he put on weight since becoming king. I have been here trying all sorts of diets (remember the year I stopped eating meat altogether? Yes it was because of you!). I have been trying to work out because look at you my dear — so fit. You haven't gained a kilo since you took power after that coup in the 80’s. No belly fat. No flabby arms. Is that what you want? Do you want me to put on weight? Because I can do it for you. If that will make you speak to me directly, I will. For you I will. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">People keep repeating it. That it is better for me if you are away because your deputy is running our house well. But your deputy can’t love me like you do. And all he is doing are things you wanted to do anyway. There is nothing special about implementing your ideas. They are still your ideas.The men are all lining up outside our bedroom trying to take your place. I see them and I am refusing to even leave the room. If only you would speak to me and tell me what was going on I would be proud and tell those men wanting to replace you that although my man is ill and away, he is still my man. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I am sorry to keep returning to this but man, the King of Morocco? I thought you like me tall dark and handsome. So yes he is richer than me and all but money isn't everything. And it is not even as if you like money. This is one thing that attracted me to you in the first place. You didn’t care that I wasn't rich. You just wanted to love me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Please, talk to me. Even if it is just for five minutes. Send me an emoji or something. Anything. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Ps. Your uncle is refusing to give me any information and is making it hard for anyone to reach you. I am beginning to suspect that he is intercepting my messages and destroying them. I would hate to think he is keeping you from me. This is why if you can read any of my messages, you really need to respond to me. Otherwise, we may need to do something about your uncle. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I am here whenever you choose to talk. Because love is patient. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Pps. I just Googled Mohammed’s photo again and it just hurt me afresh. Is this really what you want Bubu?</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitMnCEBP81QEAnb7RErw4Sm8eubt1neiHiKWctyc1fvLdxv0ZJJ48blVbHdpKVYw0CNqXs9fW4tA3FhUWwhsWwxJ7Em1pkcJWLJYQMIutEQLqra-7rNLD8Pp28USduviqqBViwRM39GHg/s1600/Screen+Shot+2017-03-05+at+9.09.04+AM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="250" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitMnCEBP81QEAnb7RErw4Sm8eubt1neiHiKWctyc1fvLdxv0ZJJ48blVbHdpKVYw0CNqXs9fW4tA3FhUWwhsWwxJ7Em1pkcJWLJYQMIutEQLqra-7rNLD8Pp28USduviqqBViwRM39GHg/s400/Screen+Shot+2017-03-05+at+9.09.04+AM.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Yours forever, </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">E</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01571444901761993571noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2407622167522164416.post-89085325148748969292017-02-26T02:16:00.002-08:002017-02-26T02:16:47.764-08:00A(NOTHER) LETTER TO MY DEAR BUHARI<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Optima; font-size: 15px; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;">
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Dearest General,</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Please refer to <a href="http://elnathanjohn.blogspot.de/2017/02/a-valentine-letter-to-mr-president.html" target="_blank">my last letter from two weeks ago</a> — the one which sadly you have not replied. It was Valentines and I really hoped that we could spend the time together, even if it was by Skype. I know you are not big on technology but I thought you would at least try. I have given this a lot of thought. I have come to the conclusion that Valentine is a Western, even pagan celebration and I can understand if, being a believer, you want nothing to do with that. However, our love is still in need of fixing. We cannot carry on like this, you talking to everyone around me — even your houseboy, the one who looks like a pigeon and excitedly tells everyone you called him — but not me. This is all the more serious now that for all intents and purposes, we are in a long distance relationship. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">One of the holy books says: <i>Love never fails</i>. And that is why I persist, writing you, even though you have refused to speak to me. I am not asking for much. I didn’t say you should send me nudes, I know you have not healed. Just one FaceTime or WhatsApp call. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I believe in our love. However I want us to get one thing out of the way. You have spent all this time with London; two months you have been in her home, waking up, taking your bath, eating, taking off your clothes for medical and other procedures. I have never doubted your loyalty but now I really have to ask this question: Are you having an affair? Is that why you are ashamed to speak to me even though all our mutual friends assure me you are fine? Look, I am not a child. I am not naive. I know that with distance, affairs are a possibility. You are a child of God but you are human. Even a 74 year old has his needs. I recognize that. And that is why I insist that you tell me so we can work things out. It is not as if I have not been tempted myself. It is not like I have not seen someone that has made my blood bubble with excitement. But, <i>Love endures all things</i>. We can get better. I can try to please you better. Just Skype me and I promise I will put this affair behind me and carry on loving you. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">You remember Odysseus and Penelope in Greek mythology? I know that is for pagans, but there are lessons to be learnt there. I am like Penelope and you are like Odysseus. You have gone on a long long journey and now that no one knows when or if you will return, men have started filing in to take your place. They woo me and tell me how things can be so much better without you. Your deputy, the one who couldn't even speak in your presence, is now walking around, doing things to impress me. Things we couldn't do together since we fell in love, he is doing them. And people are praising him and hinting to me that he would make a great replacement for my runaway lover. “See how much he has done since your man disappeared,” they tell me. This offends me on a few levels. First off, he is a short man and you know I have a thing for tall men. Short men have issues. They are always trying to overcompensate. Look at the other short man, the one who used to insult you and now swears by your name. You just cannot trust them I tell you. So, yes your deputy has achieved much and is now very vocal in your absence but it is only you who makes my blood boil. It is only you — talk hunk — that I chose. Second, your deputy, he wears dark colors (and clothes that barely fit him) and I love a man who knows how to wear white, like you. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">However, I am human. If he continues doing these good things I cannot say for how long I can wait for you. He is doing things we could not achieve together. Things you promised you would do. I have to justify to myself why I am waiting for you. I need you to tell me <i>why</i>. <i>Why</i> should I keep waiting for you my dear? Because while love is great and all, sometimes, love is not enough. I am like Penelope but I am not as strong as she was. I am not magic. I can bleed. I can break. I <i>need</i> you to tell me not to break. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Now, every time someone looks for the man of the house, your deputy shows up. He speaks to me more than you spoke to me. I am not comparing, but facts are facts. People, foreigners, are asking me mockingly: Where is your man, oh faithful Penelope? </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Give me the words bubu. Give me the words to respond to my attackers and mischief makers. Show me I did not make a mistake choosing you over all others. Don't mock me by speaking to strangers and not speaking to me. Give me a reason not to go with your deputy and move on. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Ps. The thieves in your house are still there. The man who took our money to cut the grass and didn’t do it. And the thief who is in charge of your flights. I hope you will return, take charge and rid our house of these filthy men. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Yours lovingly,</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Penelope to your Odysseus </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">E. </span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01571444901761993571noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2407622167522164416.post-60935194415311031132017-02-12T01:36:00.000-08:002017-02-12T01:36:00.330-08:00 A VALENTINE LETTER TO MR PRESIDENT <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Optima; font-size: 15px; line-height: normal; min-height: 18px; text-align: justify;">
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Dear General, </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">With adoration in my heart I pick up my pen (well, my laptop) from the basket of love to write you this letter. </span>I have been thinking about you since you have been gone. Daily! I have been talking to people who know people who know you. Almost daily. I have been thinking about the people who have been speaking in your name, clearing their own names in your name. Daily! I have been thinking about the rooms you are in, all of them, the ones we know, the ones we think we know, and the other rooms. Daily! I allowed myself to think about you in a hospital gown, a white man with degrees in medicine probing your inner parts, until the people who speak to the people who speak to you assured us that you are hale and hearty and in good spirits. I am erasing that memory from my mind now, realizing it is not only false, but inappropriate. You are fine and even — I saw the photos online — receiving visitors in Abuja House in London (which, let’s face it, is technically Nigerian soil — and you are president of all that is Nigeria, whether that bit of Nigeria is in Nigeria or abroad). </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It is almost Valentines and there is no word on whether you will be home in time for that or not. I miss hearing your voice. People say a lot of bad things about you and I know this should not affect the way I feel about it you but I have to admit, it is tough. Say something General. Say something, not because I am giving up on you but because you know, this was the deal. That is what love is. It is nothing without communication. I listen to sad love songs and I tell myself, he cares, he still cares. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I know you know exactly how to make me feel better, even though the enemies think otherwise — they say if you knew, you’d have done something about our economic situation, about the people, grass cutters, who try to come between us. Every family has that one rogue, that alcoholic embarrassment, that pedophile cousin who shows up at family dinners that you warn the kids to stay away from, that thieving uncle whom you allow visit but don't leave anything valuable around, the other uncle who buys gifts but you know defrauded his last office. But we cannot let them come between us. Say something, General. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Someone sent me a photo of you with someone to say you were in London, to make me jealous maybe. But I know you would never go behind my back to see others. I know that photo was taken in 2015. You would never deliberately do anything to hurt me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">The guys you are paying to protect all the people you love, they are beating people up and impregnating some of the young girls in our house. You do not approve of this, I know. Making young girls pregnant is not your thing. That is why I am thinking, maybe we need to do something about them so they don't affect our relationship. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">You remember I told you about my ex. I told you clearly that I have trust issues. But you told me I was safe with you. Not to belabor the point but you remember my ex, it was bad enough that we were in a long distance relationship, him always being in Germany and Saudi Arabia and all, but he had this condition and didn’t tell me. Imagine entering a long term relationship and they don't tell you they have a terminal illness. There is something deeply selfish about that. You invest time, emotions and money and boom, the person you thought you would be with for a long time drops dead. They will not be alive to see you mourn. They will not be there when all the people you turned down for them show up at the funeral mocking you with their eyes, telling you: “If only you chose me, you would not be mourning a lover now.” I know you are not like my ex and if you had any thing like that you would tell me. You would not make me mourn a second time. I know that even if it turns out you have something like that and I don't know, it will not be because you hid it from me. It will be because you didn’t know yourself. And I can forgive that. Anyone can fall ill. So, my dear General, say something. You know I cannot do this long distance relationship thing. I told you when we met when you insisted we go out and I told you I was still burnt from the last time. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Just tell me this London thing is just temporary. That you will be back soon. That you will call me. Or send me a WhatsApp voice note. Or FaceTime me. I do not want to spend this Valentine alone. Not that I will start thinking of someone else. But it will not be good for our relationship. Say something. Or better still, come home. Tell me what is wrong with you. I can handle it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Ps. Look darling, even if it is that prostate thing and we can no longer, you know…it is fine. Just tell me. Love is not all about sex. Love is greater than sex. I can find other ways to sort myself out. And no, it will not involve cheating on you.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Pps. In case you come back, shall we talk about the guy who has taken our money to cut grass but hasn't done so? I think we should let him go. And then we can have a nice dinner and talk about our finances. We are running out of food. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">You are in my heart, </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">E.</span></div>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01571444901761993571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2407622167522164416.post-36639612404737171052017-02-05T02:13:00.002-08:002017-02-05T02:13:31.067-08:00WHY NIGERIANS SHOULD NOT PROTEST<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Optima; font-size: 14px; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;">
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">The president is sick. We know this because of how many times he has had to shut down and go to London. And I blame Nigerians for this. I blame Nigerians for their expectations and suffering. I blame Nigerians for being insensitive and showing their frustrations in public, thereby contributing to the destabilization of the country and economy. We all know that economies around the world are driven by confidence. The more people complain, the more the economy crumbles and of course, because Mr Buhari loves the country so much (that he gave his only begotten retirement period that whosoever believes in him shall be called loyal) it affects his health. The president is sick. Sick and tired of all of this. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Let me give you an example. If you are a young Nigerian woman hoping to get married and your suitor’s family comes to see you to check your suitability, that is not the time to complain about your migraines or start talking about the fact that you sometimes sleep walk or that sometimes you itch between your legs. You put your best foot forward. If you have a migraine, you put on the best smile and look indestructible. It is not pretense. You do not want them thinking that you will be a health liability. I know of people who never saw their wives without make up until after the wedding. This is not deception. It is strategic positioning. If your wife or husband had told you of all their flaws on the first day you met, would you have met them a second time? Nigerians should not worsen Buhari’s medical condition, whatever it is. (I suspect it is nothing at all, perhaps just all our nagging).</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">This brings me to the planned protest by Innocent Tuface Idibia. It is insensitive. If you want to discipline your child for breaking your new set of wine glasses or for stealing your car, going to a late night party and then crashing it then suddenly that day the child gets a bad fever, will you still punish the child? Every loving parent will suspend any such punishment and take care of the child, nursing them back to health. Because in the end, you love your child more than you love your car or wine glasses. Perhaps after your child is out of hospital and has gotten better you can raise the issue and tell them not to do it again. It is the same with Nigeria. Mr Buhari has barely changed out of his hospital gown. We should allow him to get his energy back before demanding things like good governance, rule of law, jobs, justice for victims of army and police brutality, fulfillment of campaign promises, or even electricity. What if he breaks down again? What if we drive him back to London with our constant nagging and make him yet again have to expose his nakedness to that doctor? What if the doctor is a pervert? Did we ever think of that? Of the implications of leaving our president naked with a doctor who might be a pervert? God forbid bad things. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I will give you another example. Assume a woman who loves her husband receives news that her husband is drunk and misbehaving at a bar somewhere. She gets very upset. She is going to give him a piece of her mind when he gets back. She will tell him that if he repeats this or makes it a pattern, she will stop sleeping with him or maybe even leave him. But then as she is waiting for him to come home, gritting her teeth and fuming, someone phones her to say, he has been in a terrible accident. What will she do first? Love will kick in. She will still be angry but she will be more scared. She will go to the hospital and announce herself as the wife of so-and-so. She will take charge. She will pay the bills. She will kneel and pray to God that nothing happens to the father of her children. She will help him go to the bathroom and remind him to swallow his pills. If he is immobile, she will clean him up. She will bring him a bowl to clean his teeth. She will stay in the room all night, when he snores and when he farts and when he groans from the pain. Because this is what she has signed up for. This is what marriage means. This is what love means. After he recovers she might then say to him: if you had not been out drinking all of this would not have happened. Because she is a good woman. Because she doesn't want it to happen again. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I think we should be like that woman. Yes we are angry. With the darkness. With the army killing Shiites, impregnating teenagers in the north east, and shooting protesters. With the scarcity of foreign exchange. With the scarcity of foreign exchange and seedless grapes. With the silence of Buhari. With the corruption of our grass cutting Secretary to the Government of the Federation. With our inability to know who really is running this ship. With the fact that while Buhari suffers, the first lady is probably suffering too, the <i>other</i> room being empty. But we should not, <i>will not</i>, say anything. We will turn up for our husband who may have been drunk at the time of the accident. We will nurse him to health. We will help him with his bowel movements. We will pray for Buhari. Because we are good people. </span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01571444901761993571noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2407622167522164416.post-16546110347535985372017-01-22T00:06:00.002-08:002017-01-22T00:17:03.617-08:00WHY BUHARI DESERVES HIS MEDICAL LEAVE<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; background-color: white; font-family: Optima; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-kerning: none;">I was in a hospital yesterday to see a doctor for a referral to a sleep clinic. I think I may have sleep apnea. Also my gastric ulcer is acting up again. The only responsibilities I currently have are writing two books and taking care of my one partner. I don’t have a side chic to worry about or children to feed. I am young. Yet I need to go to the hospital. Imagine if I was in my 70’s and had 180 million people to take care of (including 469 with special needs). I would probably be doing it out of a hospital ward. So I understand why President Buhari has to take yet another medical leave. I also understand why it has to be in London. Apart from the obvious reasons, allow me to explain why I think he needs and deserves the rest in London. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">First let us clear the issue of London. Some say, why London? I say why not London? The British invaded our country and imposed themselves, their religion and their language on us in a form of violence otherwise known as colonialism. They plundered the land and then they left. The least we can do is outsource our healthcare to them. Let them treat (or manage) our president. I know we are paying for it, but they are providing the service and that is what matters. There is nothing wrong with outsourcing when you alone cannot handle a service. We are providing the world with crude oil, mineral resources, human resources (and some militancy), the least they can offer us in return is healthcare. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Think of Mr Buhari’s tenure so far. There is a lot that could have made him exhausted and in need of frequent medical treatment. Let us start with the <b><i>courts</i></b>. It takes a lot of guts and energy to ignore the courts when they ask you to release a person they claim you have been holding illegally. I do not have children but I have friends who have really troublesome toddlers. The type that wont stop crying until they get what they want. I see how those friends are often exhausted in the morning from having to listen to the constant wailing. Buhari has to listen to wailing from Amnesty International, Amnesty Nigeria, Human Rights Watch, the Islamic movement of Nigeria, the supporters and friends of the journalists that keep getting arrested these days, those complaining about killing of Biafra protesters. That is a lot of noise. Personally, I don’t know why people think that just because a court has said Zakzaky should be released Mr Buhari should respect the court order. It is just a court and the judge is just a human being. And a mere human being should not make our president do anything. It is a miracle he has not broken down. He is a strong man and I think also the fact that he doesn’t drink or smoke helps. So if he says he wants to go to London and get treatment, I support it and so should every patriotic Nigerian. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I think China must have been listening to Mr Buhari’s speech when he said he belonged to Nobody because they recently walked into Nigeria with a business card that read <i>People’s Republic of China aka Nobody</i>. Then they asked him to send Taiwan away. And just like a repentant man that has been caught with another woman he asked the mistress, Taiwan to leave his matrimonial home. China was happy with it and I think we will get our 20 billion dollar loan. Any man who has gone through a cheating scandal and survived knows just how draining and stressful it all can be even after your wife forgives you. As a child of God I have not gone through it, but I know people who have. This is enough to wear the president down. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Sometimes you have a child that is a thief or a criminal. But then it is your child and your can’t throw them away. Sometimes you must ignore them and let them come to their senses. You must let them learn from their mistakes and find their way back to your loving arms. This period of waiting is stressful. You will endure the gossiping of neighbors and the taunts of rivals who never fail to remind you that your child is or was a thief. Recently we saw documents that showed that the Secretary to the Government of the Federation put his hands in the north east pie by using his companies to secure contracts from a committee he was a member of. Imagine the energy it takes for the president to ignore that. Or to ignore the many disloyal Nigerians who tell him about a certain Minister of his who is more corrupt than anyone being chased by EFCC at the moment. Of course these are baseless rumors but imagine hearing that everyday. You too will end up in hospital with high blood pressure. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I remember once when I shattered the screen of my father’s new smartphone. He loved that smartphone. It was a mistake, not a careless one, but a mistake nonetheless. I was taking a charger from a top shelf and it landed on the phone charging on the floor. My father was upset. The whole incident made me tired and upset. I went to my room afterward to sleep. Mr Buhari’s airforce just killed over 200 people in an IDP camp in Rann. It was a mistake. Imagine how exhausted I was after shattering one smart phone screen. Then imagine the exhaustion that follows killing not 10 or 50 or 100. Over 200 and counting. Please let him go and rest. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I really think that our president has endured enough. And if we want him to continue his service in 2019 we must allow him to rest as often as he can in London. If Great Britain had any shame in fact, they would be offering to pay for his treatment as part payment for the evil of colonialism. That is the least they can do. We wish the President quick recovery and hope that the First Lady does not miss him too much in his other room. But thank God (and white people) for things like Skype and FaceTime. At least they can see each other.</span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01571444901761993571noreply@blogger.com0