Dearest darling Buhari,
I have spent all week ignoring the foolish people implying you are probably already dead. It is their erections that will die. Nonsense. So I was on the phone to your deputy. I will just write a transcript of the conversation because it is hard to explain. It makes me worry and but I don't want to stress you out. Anyway, please find below.
Your Deputy: Saurayin Oga, how now? Long time.
Me: Long time o, Oga deputy. How life?
Your Deputy: Life is scary o. You won't believe what has been happening.
Me: Oya tell me na.
Your Deputy: You know I have been trying since your darling left. I have really tried. I have travelled to see all our people. I have tried to broker peace in the Niger Delta. I have visited markets. I have tried to raise confidence in the economy…
Me: Yes yes yes… so what is the problem?
Your Deputy: You are too impatient. Allow me to finish. Is this how you are with Daddy Bubu?
Me: Ok sorry na. Continue.
Your Deputy: I have even done everything to make people know that I am loyal to your darling Bubu. I went to Katsina if you remember and called Bubu my father. I reassured everyone that I am not interested in taking over your darling’s house and pushing him aside. All I have done is work. And yes if I work, people will notice. And they will talk about it. That is not my fault.
Me: No it is not your fault. Even I have told my bubu not to be worried about you taking over his darling.
Your Deputy: Of course not. You are not even my type.
Me: Whatever. Me too I can’t be darling to anyone who is as short as you are. Plus you like wearing grey. Which makes you look even smaller…
Your Deputy: It is ok. No need to fight. I think you have made your point. Anyway. Now they are trying to remove me as deputy. I just travelled once and they were trying to install another deputy. No one has respect for me. I keep hearing rumours that they want to sabotage things so that people will hate me. And no it is not because I am short. It is because they are afraid that god forbid, if anything happens to your darling…
Me: God forbid. It is your darling something will happen to, not mine.
Your Deputy: Haba. I am not wishing bad na. I am just talking about probabilities. Don't take this personal.
Me: Oya continue.
Your Deputy: People are afraid that I will take over the house and want to continue the way Jonathan did. And we all know how that ended. And it is not as if I am even interested. Now don't get me wrong. Of course everyone wants to be the head of the house and all but I know our family has agreed that the northern people do 8 years and then others can take over. And you know my senior brother also is waiting and if I interrupt the flow, it will affect his chances of becoming president of the house in 2023.
Me: Hmmmm. That is a serious matter.
Your Deputy: Yes it is. You know in this our house it is more important where you come from than what work you are actually doing.
Me: Yes, I know. But I have a suggestion. Why can’t you just change ethnic group and religion?
Your Deputy: Change religion I understand. But change ethnic group?
Me: Yes na. You don't see what is happening in the world. People can now be transracial like they can be transgender. See that Rachel Dolezal who said she is now black. You can also just declare you are now a northern Muslim and then write a book about it and launch it at Yaradua Centre in Abuja. You know?
Your Deputy: That is a good point o. How about I say I just found out that my grandfather was actually a slave from Kano stolen and gifted to my great grandfather. I will try that. Thanks for the suggestion.
Me: No wahala. Anyway, you keep doing the work. I will talk to my Bubu in a minute. And please can you help release that Shiite man whose children we killed because… hello? Hello? Are you still there?
Darling Bubu, this was our conversation o. I don't know if it is the Shiite matter that made him drop the phone or it was just bad network. Maybe the network. What do you think we should do? I would appreciate a WhatsApp voice note, the type you sent me for Sallah. Also, I hear the process of recall of Senator Mai Mota is progressing. The house is really interesting these days. You even need a boat to move around Lagos streets. I have always wanted to use a boat in Nigeria. I think it will be beautiful if Lagos can become like Venice. We can just do sexy things like host a film festival and have celebrities arrive in pretty boats and yachts. Great for photos.
I miss you. I wanted to check our account balance to see how much we have left. Can you please tell me how much we have spent so far on treatment? I just want to know so that I can balance our accounts.