Sunday, August 6, 2017


Dearest Buhari,

I am overjoyed at the rumours of your imminent return. When people start using your return to place bets, I know that you really are coming home soon. Darling, you remember that what is mine is yours and what is yours is mine abi? So, please don't take it the wrong way if I run for president especially now that the age has been reduced. At least it is better than risking one of those short men becoming president. Especially not the one who enjoys harassing people who write. I am sure you don't want anyone to harass me.

I am ready for your return -- the bed is made, the sheets have been changed, there is food waiting for you in the freezer. All I need is to warm it when you come. And I know you like dumame. While I wait, I am working on my presidential bid.

If they elect me in 2019, I will make a law stating that those who steal money just need to make a public vow that they will not steal again and declare that they have stopped stealing. Then perhaps make an apology. I mean the apology will not be compulsory but I will encourage them to do it. A bit like how Saraki simply agreed to stop collecting pension from Kwara State even though he is still a public officer. He is not even saying he will refund the millions he has collected illegally over the last 6 years. And people are angry. The real problem is that it is illegal. If my law is passed, no one will get angry over an issue like this. All Saraki would need to do would be to say, I have stopped. And everyone will be happy.

Now that the US has agreed to sell us millions of dollars worth of attack planes, I would advise all the communities within the Nigerian Airforce's flight path to go and declare themselves before they cause trouble for them like those people who went and made themselves get killed by the Airforce in Rann. People keep saying the army should hold someone responsible. Me I think we should hold the people responsible for not appearing on the map. I will as president make it unnecessary for the armed forces to apologise or be held responsible. I mean it already happens now, but I will make it illegal to complain about the armed forces.

Darling, I will also build a permanent Nigerian hospital in London (or any foreign country of your choosing). You know how people like complaining that you are abroad instead of treating yourself here at home? I think that once the facility abroad is a Nigerian facility, no one can complain because then you will be helping the country earn foreign exchange. Imagine earning money through our foreign hospital. In fact, I can designate the land upon which the hospital is built Nigerian embassy property, in which case anyone in that hospital is technically in Nigeria. Imagine, we can even get other African leaders to visit our Nigerian hospital in London or Germany so that they can tell their citizens that they are patronising African hospitals. Killing many birds with one big stone.

In a similar vein, I will build a Nigerian university abroad so that our children who study abroad can say that they are studying in a Nigerian university. No one will ever be able to point fingers at us elites and say that our children are abroad instead of being in Nigerian schools. It will be like the American University. We will have the Nigerian University, London, Berlin, New York, Beijing, Tokyo, New Delhi, Dubai, Paris. No one will ever be able to point fingers at you ever again.

I think I should also have a commission for politicians who want to attack writers or newspapers for writing about them. It is only fair. I want the attacks to be coordinated. Even violence should be carried out systematically. The commission will gather complaints from aggrieved politicians and allow politicians to attack together, a bit like car sharing. If two or more politicians hate an activist or writer or newspaper, they can just combine efforts instead of working at cross purposes.

I will continue next week my dear. But for now I will just remind you about the Shiite man whose children we massacred in Kaduna. It is time to release him. I look forward to welcoming you. The fura da nono is in the fridge cooling. I would have come to the airport with flowers but I know you don't really care much for flowers. Ina jiran ka maigida na.

Yours always,

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You fit vex, bet abeg no curse me. You hear?