THE NATIONAL CONFERENCE, STRENGTHENING THE MOB, AND RETURNING ARTIFACTS

Just looking at the bodies to be represented in the list of the 492 delegates who will be members of the National Conference makes me upset. It seems that I have been systematically schemed out of this conference. And no, it is not the issue of 100,000 naira sitting allowance. It is the fact that I do not see space for any well-meaning, non-hustling, intelligent, unaffiliated Nigerians. Like me. That conference will be full of hustlers. From the NBA to NANS to Market Associations, those who will come from these bodies are usually those who are used to hustling for positions and have thus become stakeholders in those organizations. I do not see space for any democratic selection of members where ordinary Nigerians can by some open process, pick persons they feel can represent them. 

But they say charity must begin at home. Before I begin to fight for all of disenfranchised Nigeria, let me explain how I have been systematically cut off. To start with, I don’t need to explain how none of the many women’s organizations will nominate me, as feminist as I am. It does not matter that I occasionally wash my lover’s underwear and cook. I mean the cooking part is a practical thing because I cook better and all but then you know what I mean. The Federal Government will not nominate me for any of their 46 slots because I mean, Jonathan pretends he doesn’t know me. It is only when it comes to drawing up a sniper list that he knows my name. My state governor will not nominate me because really I don’t care for him. Civil Society organizations will not nominate me because I write to expose their hustle and the hustle of their funders. The Nigerian Union of Journalists will not nominate me because apart from doing some journalism part time, I can hardly be called a journalist. Also I wrote an article exposing their hustle. The Christian leaders already don’t like me for writing How To Worship the Nigerian God. 

So you see, Jonathan did this deliberately. I will give Jonathan the opportunity to retrace his steps and amend his ways. He has until February 20 to submit the names of his nominees. I will check on that day to see if he will listen to the voice of wisdom.

I have been thinking of how everything in Nigeria is done by mob action.  How we cannot operate otherwise. When a Nigerian man falls in love with a woman, and feels sufficiently satisfied with her cooking, subservience and probably body, he organizes a mob to storm her house to ask for her hand. If the mob is not substantial, the woman’s family may begin to worry about the man’s sincerity or seriousness. 

When the plans are finalized, it takes a mob to make a wedding. By virtue of multiple third party invitations, hundreds of people who may have nothing to do with the bride or groom are sure to turn up and enjoy the festivities. 

When we are angry, we go in a mob to settle the issue by force. When we hear that someone is being called a thief, we do not need to see what has been stolen, or know if indeed it was stolen by the person being chased. Upon hearing shouts of ‘Thief’, ‘Ole’, or ‘Barawo’, not wanting to lose any time by asking relevant questions, we follow and hack the person down. When we have drawn blood, we disperse. On our way we casually ask if anyone knows what truly happened. 

When we hear rumours that someone insulted our deity or any of that deity’s descendants or messengers, we organize a mob of our brothers and find unbelievers who often know nothing about this and set their houses ablaze, maim them, and kill them- easy things like that. 

Now that our president has chosen to put the bright ideas of some legislators to paper in form of the Same Sex Marriage Prohibition Act, we have a new sexy reason to use mob action. Mob action against gays has to be the most rewarding act of violence for the blood loving Nigerian. After all it is a thing that most of the foreign naturalized deities condemn. So one does not feel guilty the way one does as part of a mob that kills a thief or someone from another religion. 

Already we have had many cases of men being stripped naked and beaten for being homosexuals, women being sodomized, men forced to strip and have sex in front of a mob, and the most brazen, a mob attacking alleged homosexuals who were standing trial inside a court room. Jonathan must be happy about this. All that remains is to add to the SSMPA a final section that reads as follows:

“It shall not be illegal for a person or persons to individually or collectively visit violence, torture or other forms of abuse which may or may not lead to death, upon a person or persons accused of offences under this act.”

That would really take care of things, strengthen the mob and make sure that for once mob action is done strategically and with a purpose. God bless Jonathan. 

Ps. So I read that Germany was to return artifacts removed from Durbi-Takusheyi in the state of Katsina in 1990. It is said that visitors from all over the world have been going to Germany to view them. They were allegedly taken away for ‘archeological experiment’. I am not sure what this means. Will Germany also remit the monies gotten from the tourists who have been coming to look at our artifacts in Germany for the past 24 years?