HOW A BOW TIE CAN TRUNCATE YOUR HUSTLE

Because I Care #46- A political satire series.

It is with a heavy heart, and resentment to Nigerians for a tenure ill spent, that I announce the sudden departure of Stella Oduah from the Aviation Ministry. She was survived by two bullet proof BMWs and lots of newly painted airports. I blame Nigerians for this. I know I am asking for your votes and all but sometimes as your leader I should perform my god-given role of scolding you when the need arises. Twice on this page I begged you people. Forgive Stella. I explained how America destroyed an otherwise slim, conscientious student from Nigeria and returned a hustler to us. I explained how despite turmoil on the home front she got her groove back and made our airports look cool. But no, you people screamed and pushed and prodded. You spat and insulted. If tomorrow she winds up in hospital to treat depression it will be on your conscience. All of you. I don’t have her phone number, otherwise I would have called to make sure she is ok. It is small things like this that makes people in other countries jump out of 10^th floor windows.

So I hear the French president has finally done it. He has gone and dumped the woman with whom he cheated on the mother of his children many years ago. The woman was so devastated after learning that he was riding a scooter to see his new hot lover nearby, she had to check into hospital. And he sent her a 20 word public breakup memo to truncate her hustle as first lady. I almost made the mistake of dating a French person. Just imagine me as your president discussing issues of crucial national importance at a meeting, then finding out that I have been dumped on Linda Ikeji’s blog. God knows that will break me. Join me in thanking God for saving Nigeria from the tragedy of French lovers. 

Kayode Fayemi wants to become Governor of Ekiti again. I don’t know who put the idea in his head, but that is how he went and called bloggers from around the country, put them in a hotel, took them round his projects and put 50,000 naira in their pockets as they were leaving. Whether the money was for transport or per diem is not my concern. Who advised him about whom to invite, I don’t know. Kayode and his people looked at me finish and thought no, we will not invite Elnathan. Well look at what happened to his blogger campaign. Bloggers ended up discussing the 50,000 he gave them instead of the roads he made them drive through. That is what happens when you overlook people like me. Is that not how Jonathan and his people after refusing to take my calls are suffering one political crisis after another? I don’t know why people will not learn from the mistakes of others. 

Is it just me or does Ngozi Okojo-Iweala increasingly look and act like that kid who was bullied and threatened into joining a cult? You know those ones who are the first to break down and cry when shit hits the fan? I watched her during the Senate hearing on Thursday and she looked like a child under interrogation who, though not the one who stole the stock fish in the pot, knows which of her brothers took it but is too afraid to say. Imagine coming before the Senate and saying that although she initiated requests for documents from the NNPC explaining missing billions, she and the Ministry of Finance had no expertise to determine the authenticity of the documents. This is like going to ask for a wife and then after the wedding ceremony declaring that you do not have the capacity and expertise to consummate the marriage. I can only imagine what internal contradictions Ngozi must be facing. I just want to say to her that there is no shame is seeing a therapist before she breaks down completely. Or just resigning.

Does anyone know why Sanusi Lamido Sanusi is addicted to bow ties? A bow tie is fine for a bartender or a person at a formal dinner. Every other time it just looks pretentious and awkward. Especially on a person his size. If only he would listen to me, I would suggest wearing long ties which can actually make him look taller and make people take him more seriously in government. I am sure the NNPC keeps contradicting him because of his bow ties. It is just hard to take a man who always wears bow ties too seriously. 

Governor Jonah Jang speaking to the fourth Middle Belt Leaders Conference in Jos said: “when President Goodluck Jonathan finishes his tenure in 2019, the Middle Belt should work hard and be supported to take over the presidency.”

I was almost taken over by excitement that the 102 year old Jang finally acknowledges that my young Middle Belt self is ripe for the Presidency until I heard ‘2019’. He even went further to add that nobody would stop Jonathan from becoming president in 2015. I am disappointed in this man. As president, I will ban persons above the age of 100 from contesting positions that require rigorous work like the presidency or governorship positions. 

Ps. This week in a suburb of the Federal Capital Territory, mobs attacked certain men perceived to be gay, molesting them and relieving them of valuables. Nearly 10 men have now been rendered effectively homeless as the mobs have vowed to return. Meanwhile, in Borno, suspected Boko Haram militants attacked twice, killing 39 and 55 persons respectively and abducting dozens of persons, mostly teenage girls. It is hard to understand the reasoning of those who, in a country with real problems, attack people because of their perceived sexuality.