SUSPENSIONS, VIRILITY AND RACE RELATIONS

“Anyone who rides a tiger will end up in its belly and one man cannot change a system from within.”- Sanusi ‘Bowtie’ Lamido Sanusi. c. 2002

“Anyone who knows very well the propensity of a tiger for truncating one’s hustle and chooses to ride it anyway is either suicidal or has anti-tiger juju in his front pocket. And a man who knows the impossibility of one man changing a system from within but chooses to try anyway should at least not do it wearing bowties. A disgraced man looks even more embarrassing in a bowtie.” – Unknown

Finally Goodluck Jonathan has been able to get rid of the bow-tied thorn in his side. Did I not explain last week how those bow ties would truncate Sanusi’s hustle? Did he listen? No. He travelled to Niger Republic to attend a conference of Central Bank governors, with a suitcase full of bow ties. The coup that followed, his subsequent brief detention and the seizure of his passport at the Lagos international airport by the SSS is not surprising. What for me is surprising is that Goodluck, through his oily mouthpiece Reuben Abati, claimed Sanusi was removed for ‘financial recklessness’. What an excuse. 

Me I know why Sanusi was removed. It is not because he challenged Prime Minister Diezani, beloved of the President. I knew Sanusi was going to have to go as soon the rumours of his virility appeared online.  As soon as I read those text messages published by Premium Times where an alleged lover was expressing gratitude for his (non-banking) prowess, I knew Goodluck wasn’t man enough to tolerate such a virile old man in his cabinet. I still remember the Premium Times report like it was yesterday, especially the text message purportedly from Mrs Maryam Waisu Yaro to Sanusi which read: “…I had such a wonderful weekend. You have revived in me what I thought I lost long ago.” And his confident reply: “Alhamdulillah. Love you.” 

I am still not sure what that ‘revival’ consisted of, but I do know it was enough for Jonathan to put him on the watch list. I can understand that. Think of it: some of the most influential members of Jonathan’s cabinet are women: Patience Jonathan, Ngozi Okonjo Iweala, Diezani Allison-Madueke, and of course Stella Oduah of blessed political memory. Imagine if Sanusi was able to make inroads into these women and cause a mass ‘revival’. Then imagine if Sanusi enjoyed reviving both men and women. That is a palace coup right there waiting to happen. I commend Jonathan for having the sense to make a timely decision based on self-preservation. 

But I want to know what Sanusi was thinking. He is like a little child whose father lost a road side brawl giggling on the way home and thinking that somehow all will be well. Such a child is liable to be slapped out of consciousness at home. After repeatedly contradicting our de facto Prime Minister on how much was stolen missing from the Federation account, he really should have prepared his handing over notes. Now that he is currently unemployed, I advice him to join Twitter. His friend and my older brother, Nasir El-rufai (who has like one billion Twitter followers) can show him how it works. [I overheard once that the fastest way to make El-rufai's blood pressure rise is to stop him from tweeting]. 
TRIVIA: Sanusi is slightly taller than El-rufai (that is when Nasir is wearing a cap).

***

So John Legend’s new music video for the song “All of Me” which he performed with his gorgeous (almost) white wife again sparked conversation in a few corners online. People (mostly black women) were reminded of yet another successful black man who is not married to a black woman. 

“It’s sad to never see black couples in the media anymore,” a (believe it or not) mixed-race woman complained, “they don’t exist.” 

I think I know what it is. It is like that gay thing. You know some of those men who follow non-black women say rubbish like, it is about the heart. That they have no control over who they love. In response to the claim by some gay people that they were born that way, some others have asserted that it can be cured and have gone ahead to set up gay-curing institutions. Those people will make heaven. I think black men loving white women to the detriment of long-suffering black women can be cured too.  I don’t know what that cure will be but we will have to find it. Imagine, we already have more women than men in our country. Which means that even if every black man in Nigeria married a black woman, there would still be single women. We cannot afford an epidemic the like of which is plaguing black America now- single black women everywhere avoided by decent black men. As president, I will deal with this in the short term by passing laws banning the marriage within Nigeria of black men to white women. Find below my proposed legislation. Because I care. 

INTERRACIAL MARRIAGE (PROHIBITION) BILL (2015)

1.        Marriage Contract or civil union entered between a Nigerian black male and a white female is hereby prohibited in Nigeria. It is not good. What do you want the black women to do with themselves?

2.       Marriage Contract or civil union entered between a Nigerian black male and a white female by virtue of a certificate issued by a foreign country shall be void in Nigeria and any benefits accruing there from by virtue of the certificate shall not be enforced by any court of law in Nigeria. We will not allow the West bring this bad unAfrican thing to our shores.  

3.   Marriage or civil union entered between a Nigerian black male and a white female shall not be solemnized in any place of worship either Church or Mosque or Shrine or Eckankar temple or Olumba Olumba (whatever they call their place of worship). Our religions uphold the right of black women to have black men.

4.     Only marriage contract between a Nigerian black male and a Nigerian black female is recognized as valid in Nigeria.

5.     The Registration of interracial clubs, societies and organisations, their sustenance, processions and meetings are hereby prohibited. Why would anyone want to register such? Aren’t there real and urgent problems to form societies for like poverty and erectile dysfunction?

6.      The public show of interracial amorous relationship directly or indirectly is hereby prohibited. This is rubbing salt into the wound. It is bad enough that you are mocking single black women by your secret criminal interracial relationship but to make a show of interracial amorous relationship, ha, that one is aggravated assault on the psyche of black women and is an offence attracting in the first instance a term of 14 years imprisonment and if repeated, forcible marriage (and consummation) with a black woman of the court’s choosing.

7.     Persons that enter into an interracial marriage contract or civil union commit an offence and are jointly liable on conviction to a term of 14 years imprisonment each. The white woman will be deported and declared an enemy of the state. Any attempt by the said white woman to return will be treated as an act of war. What is it with white women and our virile, circumcised men? Mtscheeuuw!

8.      Any person who registers, operates or participates in interracial clubs, societies and organizations commits an offence and shall each be liable on conviction to a term of 10 years imprisonment.

9.      Any persons or group of persons that witnesses, abets and aids the solemnization of a interracial marriage or civil union between a Nigerian male and a white female or supports the registration of interracial clubs, societies and organisations, processions or meetings in Nigeria commits an offence and is liable on conviction to a term of 10 years imprisonment. How can you who doesn’t eat dog meat, use your teeth to cut it for others? In fact, 14 years.

10.   The only valid defenses to the offences above shall be:

a.   Evidence in writing of having been violently rejected (texts, bbm, Whatsapp and Facebook rejections are admissible) by at least 20 Nigerian women evenly spread across the six geopolitical zones of the country.

b.    Evidence of a man being infertile, such evidence being from a government hospital of national repute, doctors of which must not have gone on strike in the past six months. To deny your neighbor a stabilizer that doesn’t work anymore is not good. What do you need it for? White women can take our infertile men, as long as the men wear dark grey triangles on all items of clothing so that they are not mistakenly arrested for offences in section 6 above. 

PS. We don't really care about white men marrying black women. We treat it like lesbianism. We just ignore it. It is not like we are going to give them citizenship anyway.  

What of gay people? What sort of question is that eh?