Sunday, January 5, 2014

SNIPERS, COWS AND PUNCHING BAGS


Because I Care #42

God knows how to protect his people. So, I found out that I am number six on the Presidential sniper list. Don’t ask me how I know. I have my sources. But look at it yourself: Malam El-rufai tweeted that he was number seven on the sniper list. I was beginning to rejoice that this meant that I was a more important enemy to this government than even the small but mighty Nasir El-rufai- I thought that meant that God was beginning to bless my hustle and this blessing was becoming sufficiently apparent to my political enemies. But my happiness was truncated when I heard that the list was done in alphabetical order and Elnathan came just before El-rufai. Still, I am happy that they consider me important enough to be on the sniper list. Dear supporters, do not panic. It is a good sign. They are feeling us.

I think I know now why the President doesn’t respond to my WhatsApp messages. He looks down on me because I am poor.  I don’t even have a car anymore while his friends escort him to countries like Kenya in their private jets. All I can say to him is let my enemies live long and see what I will be in future. By the time the blessing of my hustle is complete Jonathan will regret snubbing people without private jets. 

So I hear that Dino Melaye has a new light-complexioned woman in his life. I congratulate him for moving up in the world. This is how it happens. When you get a new job, salary increment or promotion, you may decide to either change your old car or flat. My only worry is that she is too fair in complexion this new one. Even a slap can produce disastrous evidence in a court of law. The previous woman has hospital reports that showed that she claimed to have been hit with a wooden plank. She is quite dark in complexion and it is hard to tell by just looking that she was ‘planked’. I am sure Dino will try not to plank this new one. There will be too much evidence. What he can do is have a sculptor make a clay effigy of her in a private bedroom so that whenever he feels like punching her he will rush to that bedroom and punch the effigy. That way he can always call the sculptor to fix it and no one is hurt. In fact, in the process we create an employment opportunity for the sculptor who will be put on a retainer.

I hear that as at the new year Aso Rock staff had not gotten their December salaries. I don’t know why. Me I just know that it is bad for Jonathan to owe his driver, guard or cook. One of them will get frustrated and poison his ogogoro and then they will say it is me who sent people to kill him. I am just saying that Jonathan should not put me in trouble by not paying his workers. We are political enemies but it has not reached the stage when he will be risking his life and mine in the process. He should do the needful. 

Sometimes in life you are chasing after a girl trying to woo her and another girl is chasing after you trying to woo you.  The one you want does not want you and the one that wants you, you do not want. That is why the Hausa say, ‘yaro, so mai sonka.’ That is, roughly translated, love the one who loves you. I will extend it to say, worry about the one who worries about you. Jonathan needs to learn this lesson. That is how he rejects my calls and ignores my WhatsApp messages but goes to the Save Nigeria Group office and drops a cow for Pastor Tunde Bakare who in turn used it to insult the President during his Sunday sermon. Pastor Bakare said of the gift: ‘Is it cows we need? I don’t eat such meat.’ He even implied that the contract for supplying the cows would have been inflated. Me I am not asking for things as big as cows. Just pick my call is all, let us talk about the state of this country. There is nothing in this life. 

Ps. I am one step closer to finding God. There are things I want to ask God. Jonathan said last week that the 1914 amalgamation of Nigeria was an act performed by God, not man. Now I know to look out for a white imperialist with business interests in West Africa. I am grateful for the hint.


8 comments:

  1. Wow! Another great piece Elnathan. You are just good at what you do. Full stop.

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  2. Trying out my google account with this comment lol! Hilarious stuff though. If only all wife/girlfriend beaters will take your advice and have sculptures made of their significant others

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  3. Because the President didn't reply U, that means U re number 6 hun. Only fools ll believe all dis false accusations from empty noise makers like U

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    1. @ Reveal04, obviously satire and irony are lost on you

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  4. when you do fine God please make a recording of your conversation. I want to hear God's voice so the next time someone justifies their actions by saying God told them to do it, I will ask them to describe His voice. Will save me tons of time and agony. Much appreciated.

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You fit vex, bet abeg no curse me. You hear?