TO MY FAITHFUL SUPPORTERS...

 Dearest Supporters,

It has been over 40 weeks since this glorious presidential hustle began. But as the year ends, it feels just like yesterday. While my soon-to-be-predecessor has continued ignoring me, my phone calls, texts, Whatsap messages and my open comments on the unfortunate way he has been truncating the hustle of many Nigerians, I am glad that we are at least one step closer to 2015, when Nigerians are destined to start enjoying my presidency. But my door is still open to him if he repents. I said it last week: there is nothing in this life.

My pain is not that Mr Jonathan did not reply my open letter. It is worse - he did not even acknowledge it. I remember primary school- when someone stronger than you taunts you or challenges you to a fight, you look away and say: “Silence is the best answer for a fool.” I feel like Jonathan has just called me a fool. This hurts. For a man who only returned from the tomb of Jesus in Israel a few months ago, that is a very bad way to treat a presidential hopeful who abandoned all other things to write him a letter.

If you ask me, Jonathan should stop making national statements from inside his churches. Think if everyone did that: make public statements from their place of worship. Wole Soyinka for example- if he made all those intelligent public statements from inside a shrine. You know how poor lighting is inside a shrine and how very likely the priest of the shrine wouldn’t let them have a sound system set up in the shrine. We would have been robbed of seeing his healthy gray afro and hearing his intelligent thoughts. Worse still every time Jonathan attends a church service, he manages to say something controversial. There is something about the church that is bad for Jonathan’s mouth. Last Sunday he managed to say: “For those who know about terrorism, countries that are infested with terror will hardly get out of it.” Of course he quickly denied that which he said before God and before cameras. If God can forget or forgive, cameras cannot. I just want to say on behalf of Nigeria: back-to-sender. Apart from this apparent incompatibility of Jonathan’s spirit with that of the church, I wonder if he thinks about the feelings of the more than 50 percent of his population who do not go to church when making public pronouncements there. As part of that more 50 percent I hereby register my protest.

The 2014 budget has revealed that again Jonathan wants to buy another plane for his use. I have stated several times that I will sell off those planes when I get to power just like President Joyce Banda of Malawi who sold off her 15million dollar plane to buy maize for her starving citizens. As someone who claims to be a child of god, I do not expect this from Jonathan. Every time a person who wants to go to heaven accumulates earthly possessions it shows lack of faith. Or maybe there are sins that Jonathan is committing in private that makes him sure he will not enter heaven. Because I do not understand why he needs to spend money like this. Our money.

Looking through the 2014 budget, I discovered that over 830million will be used by the Federal Government to run generators. Yet Jonathan swears by the creeks in his village that by 2014 Nigerians will have power. I don’t understand this. This is just like a man of god who claims to heal sickness and raise dead people, travelling around with bodyguards, a personal doctor and huge first aid kit.

There are things that by virtue of their terribly embarrassing and painful nature, no one wishes on his enemies. Like genital warts, armpit boils, and parents like Olusegun Obasanjo. I just hope that when he was allegedly sleeping with his son’s wife he was using protection. Think of the potential embarrassment if she had given birth to a child for both father and son. While some children would call General Obasanjo grandpa, others would call him papa. Quite confusing if you ask me. Children shouldn’t be confused like that. I do not blame Iyabo Obasanjo for her open letter to her father. It must be traumatizing to have to tolerate such a man. I just want to warn the General in advance. I am not as nice as Jonathan. When I become president he will be spending his retirement in prison for any of a dozen offences he committed as president. And I will make sure there is no typewriter, computer, pen, pencil or paper or whatever it is he uses to write these days.

So I read that a certain Tonye Okio was arrested in Abuja on the 26^th of October and has been in detention since for criticizing the Governor of Bayelsa State on Facebook. At first I laughed because I thought it was one of those prank emails, but I followed the story and found a report on Premium Times. I just want to put my supporters on alert. Now that my presidential hustle is getting stronger and stronger, they can go and arrest me for the things I write on Facebook and Twitter. It is not that I cannot stay in jail for the struggle. It is just that I get malaria easily and I am sure they do not have mosquito nets or insecticides in prison. It will be bad if I catch malaria in prison. So if you don’t hear from me for one week, know that they have come for me. Protests and rallies and demonstrations and open letters will be in order.

May God continue to bless your individual hustles, and truncate those who try to truncate your hustle.

Your soon-to-be-President,

Elnathan John

Ps. Is it just me, or does Mr. Jonathan desperately need a good speech/letter writer?