BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE: AN OPEN LETTER FROM THE NEXT PRESIDENT TO THE INCUMBENT

Dear Goodluck Ebele Jonathan,

I hope this meets you well. If so, doxology. I know your office is brimming with letters, both open and leaked. But there are open letters and there are open letters. As a fellow presidential candidate whose calls you have not been picking since I began this campaign, I thought to share my thoughts with you before it is too late and the open letter window closes. Honestly though, when Obasanjo said you had not been responding to his letters, I was somewhat relieved. If even a guy with whom you have breakfast in Kenya cannot get you to respond to messages, who am I? 

I was at the Villa on Sunday to attend The Future Awards Best 100 award ceremony. But we both know that the real reason I went was to see you and hopefully have a chat on the state of the nation. One minute I was in the hall waiting, next thing they said you weren’t going to make it. Then you sent Namadi with a speech. I was disappointed. I knew you were in. I saw your shoes. But like the good guest that I was, I did not make a fuss. I simply ate the snails they served and left. One day, we will have to meet you know, sooner or when you have to hand over to me in 2015. Will you send Namadi then? 

Do you see what is happening in the House of Representatives? APC now has a majority. But I will not gloat. It is wrong to laugh at your rival’s downfall. I mean it is not like anything has changed. The funny thing is, while almost all the Kano State legislators decamped, one of the only ones that remain loyal to your party is the guy who was able to fit a $600,000 bribe in his cap. Sometimes one is shocked where one finds loyalty.

If you ask me, you know what will be a game changer? Wait until the end of 2014, just before APC picks its presidential candidate, then decamp to APC, repaint all the PDP secretariats with APC colors and generally truncate everybody’s hustle. That is guaranteed to make a discombobulated Buhari grab Atiku and shed hot tears. I mean I will still win the elections, but that will really shake things up. 

Ok I am going to gossip about that guy that likes sleeping with young girls. I know Yerima is not your friend and neither is he mine. In this issue we are united. Did you hear that he has dumped the previous Egyptian child he married and was in Egypt again recently receiving another 15 year old bride? (Whether the new child bride was for him or whether he was just a courier doesn’t really matter.) I mean somehow I am relieved that he no longer abuses Nigerian children but don’t you think we need to speak to his three older wives to find out what the problem is? Could they have made him feel inadequate as a man, so that this has driven him to look for girls who will have had no prior experience of what adequacy means? You know how sensitive some men are about size. Maybe your wife can start an NGO for men with sexual inadequacy? By the way, she has been quiet these days. I hope all is well with 'Mama Peace'.  (Don't ask me what Mama Peace is, that is what she asked us to call her now.)

I don’t know if your aides told you, but the Senate just harmonized that anti-Same sex marriage bill with David Mark saying that since many things are wrong with the country, they didn’t want to get this one wrong too. I know he is your friend and all but I was hoping he would say something like, the bill will end corruption and oil theft and child marriage and female chin hair, serious things like that. I don’t get this your friend. But then again having to deal with like 19 children has to take a toll on a man’s ability to prioritize.  

Something we can both laugh about though: that Sanusi and his wrinkled forehead. The man wants to truncate your hustle o. That is how his 48 billion missing petrodollars have now become 12 billion. You know small men. They are not exactly sure what they want. Today one thing, tomorrow another. Can you imagine that man as emir of Kano? You will agree with me that we need to pray for long life for the current emir (I hope Ado Bayero doesn’t drink or smoke). I don’t want to have to deal with Sanusi in a turban when I become president.  

Just by the way, have you noticed that one of Bola Tinubu’s First Nation Airways planes has the slogan ‘Success is overcoming many failures’ painted on it? If you saw that slogan, would you fly that thing? I know you have your presidential jets and all (most of which I will sell off when I take over from you), but say after your tenure in 2015, would you fly a plane that announces the possibility of failures? I am just looking out for you here. 

Wait o, did you hear what happened in the famous Apollo theatre in London? While a popular play was on, part of the ceiling collapsed injuring almost 90 people. If it was Nigeria now, Reuters, CNN, and Aljazeera would have done a sensational report concluding with nonsense like: “Nigeria is notorious for cutting corners, corruption and substandard buildings. It is unclear whether poor construction led to the collapse.” Which of our theatres or stadiums have ever collapsed? I think you need to send them aid. Maybe a Christmas gift for each of the 90 injured people. 

To conclude I just want to ask which people do the catering for Aso Rock. I mean their rice isn’t anything special, but those snails, my god! I know you don’t pick my calls, but can you at least send me a number through one of your aides? Abati maybe? I really enjoyed those snails. 

May our meeting be soon. I don’t want to have to fake a smile during the handing over ceremony. There is nothing in this life, Jonathan. Try and pick my calls. 

Yours in the presidential hustle,

Elnathan John.  

Ps. NOT FOR SALE IN TRAFFIC.