Sunday, December 15, 2013


Because I Care #39

I am an environmentalist. I believe in conservation and all that National Geographic/Discovery channel business. Gas flaring, bush burning, deforestation all make my stomach churn. To the best of my knowledge I am the only presidential candidate who believes in these things. In fact only recently I announced my plan to become a vegetarian in the next few years, a plan that was recently set back by my discovery of the most amazing nkwobi and isi-ewu in Abakaliki. But God sees my heart. He knows I feel genuinely horrified when I see the brutality with which cat fish are murdered for point-and-kill. That is why I am very sad this week. General Olusegun Obasanjo sent an 18 page letter to Goodluck Jonathan. Not by email. He printed at least two copies of that letter: a file copy and an acknowledgement copy. That is 36 pages of white non-recycled paper. I shudder to think how many trees it cost the global tax payer for Obasanjo to communicate with his erstwhile political boy. I don’t mean to come between friends who go as far as Nairobi to share a breakfast. I am doing this for the environment. 

One thing Obasanjo’s letter revealed is that he desperately needs an editor. Reading those 18 pages I could see Obasanjo standing, arms akimbo behind a typist, dictating the letter and occasionally throwing a slap to correct a foolish typo. By not hiring an editor to reduce that letter to possibly three or four pages, Obasanjo put the trees of our planet at risk. He should know better. 

As someone who will soon be president, I am ashamed of Obasanjo’s letterhead. It looked like something he personally designed on Microsoft Word.  What will it take to print quality letterheads like mine? On the bright side however, I am happy that he at least learnt something at the National Open University. 

Every time I say that my political rivals are after me, people think I am joking. Obasanjo has revealed how Jonathan has placed 1000 persons on a political watch list. I am sure that is why it is hard for me to make phone calls these days. My name is on that list- I know it. My only hope is that they arranged that list in alphabetical order. I will hate to spend a lot of time searching for my name when I finally get hold of the list.

I am interested in Jonathan’s snipers though. I am interested in where Obasanjo claims they are being trained. We cannot afford to have badly trained snipers. Think of it, when they want to start sniping those of us on that watch list- imagine a badly trained sniper deforming people instead of taking clean shots. Honestly I would rather be shot clean in the heart or head than shot by mistake in the jaw or armpit. I am sure my fellow watch-listees will agree. 

Still on that 18page letter I just want to state categorically that no amount of money will make me drop my presidential ambition. I am not like Bola Tinubu who was, according to Obasanjo, “nocturnally brought to Abuja to strike a deal …at great price materially”. Although I like nocturnal movements and will go if the President invites me for a late drink, my conscience and candidacy are not for sale. 

I have been thinking of the Yoruba adage that Obasanjo used: “The man with whose head the coconut is broken may not live to savor its succulent fruit.” I am worried about its meaning and accuracy because when a coconut broken on a man head causes death, my thinking is that everyone will be too busy with mourning to think of any succulent fruit. Sometimes I just don’t get these adages.

A friend of my soon-to-be-predecessor called Jonathan the Mandela of our time. At first I was so upset I had a fever. But then I recovered and thought about it again. I will admit this about the man. Jonathan is our Mandela. How? Well just as Mandela on his return from prison and forgave bad people, oppressors, murderers, Jonathan also stays forgiving our corrupt people, those who have raped us and our country. He has a big heart. He just might make heaven. I need to learn this from him when I become president. 

I want to congratulate the Supreme Court for providing the last bucket of water for the total cleansing of Chief Bode George, who spent time in jail after being convicted for corruption. His being discharged and acquitted means that he will no longer be referred to as an ex-convict. He is now an Ex-ex-convict. God bless the Justices of the Supreme Court. Journalists please take note. 

I heard that Malam Nasiru El-rufai, after spending five years in an FCT High Court was acquitted of charges relating to land grabbing. Five whole years! That is why even as a lawyer, when someone offends me in Nigeria, I find it is more useful to just tell them ‘Allah ya isa’- to leave them in the hands of God. God knows how to deal with my enemies. Just look at what is happening to the PDP. 

I know that Barrack Obama and Michelle must have already made up, but as a soon-to-be world leader I must say something about the events surrounding the American first couple during Mandela’s funeral in South Africa. While Barrack Obama was acting like an excited 14 year old at a soccer game, laughing, taking selfies, and flirting with the annoyingly gorgeous Danish Prime Minister, Michelle Obama was thinking of the big picture. Like the smart woman that she is, it was clear to her that her man was putting the future of the free world in jeopardy. God bless Michelle. Before Barrack could plunge America into scandal, she saved the self acclaimed greatest nation on earth by switching seats like a mother would do in church when two kids are making noise during a service. Who knows what further steps Barrack would have taken after touching and laughing with Ms Gucci? Michelle knows her history. She knows that the last time an American president was trusted to take care of himself, his privates ended up in the mouth of an intern. Again God bless Michelle. 

Ps. Where is the report of the FCT Ministerial Committee on infanticide in more than 40 communities in the FCT? How many more children need to die?


  1. lol at you being on the list trust me the only list you are on is the ever growing frustrated subscriber list of mtn,glo and the rest

  2. Hilarious! Elnathanjohn, your sense of humor is so incredible. Lmao!

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