WATCHING THE ENEMY FALL

Because I Care #37

I tell you, dear people of God, patience always pays in the end. After fretting about being attacked by the enemy, a certain King in Jewish history was told by the God of the Jews that he would not need to fight a certain battle. All he needed to do was stand still, be patient and see the deliverance of God.  

This week has been one of the most eventful weeks of my political campaign. I did not have to do anything but stand still at look upon my political deliverance. The camp of my enemies was again struck with confusion. As if the splitting of the PDP was not enough, the breakaway PDP faction formally applied to join the All Progressives Congress (APC). This emergency marriage was not without its problems. 

First only five of the seven rebel governors joined the APC. Governor Aliyu of Niger State, formerly one of the most vocal of the rebel lot, snuck away before the end of the merger meeting, agreeing to be bound by the decision of the rebels. Mr. Baraje the rebel leader himself said this. Governor Aliyu however, through one of his men, expressed shock over the announcement of the merger and swore that he was still in the PDP. He did not even say he was still a member of the new PDP. I have never liked that man. You can tell a dodgy man by looking at his eyes. I will keep watching until my enemies have finished each other and my hustle takes me to Aso Rock, come 2015. 

I am not sure why Mr Asari Dokubo was arrested in his adopted homeland, Benin Republic. Worse, I do not know why his lawyer Mr. Festus Keyamo was begging my soon-to-be predecessor, Goodluck Jonathan to intervene and use ‘all diplomatic means’ to secure the release of Asari. When I become president, Mr. Dokubo will have to decide which country he wants to belong to. What Asari is doing is tantamount to a boy reporting his mother to his father. He chose Benin Republic. On second thoughts, I realize the gyms in Abuja are better than the ones in Benin Republic.

I watched Mr. Adams Oshiomole’s sanitation video many times this week. He was caught on tape telling a street trader who claimed to be a widow to ‘go and die’ as she pleaded for her things not to be confiscated. Looking closely at Adams’ face I can only draw one conclusion. Mr Oshiomole is a widower and this is the reason he was upset. The woman put him on the spot by claiming she was a widow. She came dangerously close to flirting with the comrade governor on camera. She was in effect saying, you are a widower, I am a widow, what’s wrong if you showed me some love. I understand how this in the face of many cameras can be overwhelming and drive a man to say a thing like go and die. He was simply asking her to kill the emotions she had within her, capable of causing the good governor to fall into post-widowhood fornication. And I know Adams. He is a child of the living God. 

I read this week that as many as 240,000 bottles of beer have been publicly destroyed in the state of Kano. This destruction was done using an earthmover. I respect the right of Kano State to destroy substances which by Kano law are illegal, but I just think of how much joy 240,000 bottles would have brought to non-Kano persons. As president I would advise the Kano Government to transfer these bottles to states where this substance is legal. They could even start a beer-for-food program. 

Ps. I spent the whole of this week in Abakaliki. All I can say is that Ebonyi State has set me back several steps in my quest to lose weight before the 2015 elections. The amazing cooks are agents of my village enemies. From nkwobi to egusi to vegetable soup to palm wine, all hopes of a flat tummy were repeatedly dashed. I went from 100kg to 103kg. that is a few kilograms away from a medical emergency. But the people are oh, so warm. I can manage a slightly protruding tummy.