Saturday, January 25, 2014


Because I Care #45

Ok. So hate is a strong word to use. I got that since primary school. But people who complain really do blow my fuses. I know our President has his weaknesses. And in fact it is for this reason that I will replace him in 2015. But we don’t have to be like the French, of whom Bonaparte said they complain of everything, and always. When Jacques Chirac, a man who left office at the ripe old age of 75, was in power, they complained. They complained about many things. But no one needs to tell you that the French, being who they are, wanted a president who was at least sexually active. Now they have a president who is so active, he’s cheating on the woman with whom he had cheated in his previous relationship. In fact, rumors are that when he’s done whispering French sweet nothings into his lover’s ear all night, he heads back to the presidential palace alone on a scooter. Yet, the French complain and protest, even going as far as spreading nude photos of his lover. God forbid that we Nigerians end up like the French. And it is in this light that I agree with Chief Edwin Clarke who said recently that he who challenges Jonathan challenges God. Because God must want this kind of leadership for us, where we fight gays instead of fighting corruption. And all for what? To prepare Nigerians for my presidency. Just like He let the Israelites suffer in the wilderness to prepare them for the Promised Land.

Of all the species of humans who love to complain, it is the small ones who love to complain the most. This week, Malam El-Rufai, at the Transformed to Transform, T2T Nigeria, Conference and Career Fair in Abuja, talked about the possibility that there might be violence if the 2015 general elections were not free and fair. The SSS, conscientiously carrying out their statutory functions, invited the diminutive but indefatigable complainer for questioning. God bless the SSS for ensuring that those who refuse to allow the President sleep, will themselves not sleep. I concur with Marilyn Ogar, who believes that a statement of fact mentioning the likelihood of violence if there is electoral fraud, is “offensive, misguided and directed at stirring hate among Nigerians.” God bless Marilyn Ogar. Can you believe El-Rufai even refused to honor the invitation of the SSS? My only annoyance is that when the SSS men stormed his house on Friday morning, El-Rufai was out picking his kids from school. Or at least that is what he told Premium Times. I cannot say where else he branched before reaching his children’s school. For all we care he may just have been out hustling for a third wife using his poor kids as an excuse.

I discovered that in the 2014 budget of my soon-to-be predecessor, while the University of Ilorin Teaching Hospital and the University of Benin Teaching Hospital have been allocated a total of N662 million for capital expenditure this year, the State House Clinic has an allocation of N705 million for the construction of a VIP Wing. This is understandable. The President is important to us. The lives and health of his lover(s), children, and private guests require utmost care. But trust Nigerians to go all French on us and start complaining. In a statement, a Nigerian civic platform, The Rule of Law Collective, complained that “this budget and the 1,820 pages in which it was written, in all likelihood, will go down in history as one of the worst budgets ever proposed. It represents a complete detachment from reality.” I laughed when I read this. I think it is their name that will go down in history as the worst name ever proposed for a civic platform. Who comes up with a name as unimaginative as “The Rule of Law Collective”? If you ask me, the name sounds like that of a market thrift association for people selling second hand clothes.

I have just looked at the new ministerial nominees’ list. The only people missing from that list were 120 year old Bamanga Tukur and former (pardoned) ex-convict Alamieyeseigha (who I hear is doing great with his weight loss program- I need to call him for tips on how to lose this beer belly). I am playing a guessing game with myself for which ministry someone like Boni Haruna would oversee. If I win, I promise to buy myself a new Tecno smart phone. 

Ps: So Mr Tonye Okio, who was arrested and detained in Bayelsa over criticizing the Bayelsa State Governor on social media, has been released after over 80 days in detention. It is a shame that we live in a country where an individual can be whisked away at the behest of a Governor over comments made about governance on Facebook. It is even more shameful that our security forces can be used as a private militia for serving politicians.


  1. Fascinating as always...Waiting patiently for the next one.

    1. Thanks Onazare! I appreciate your reading

  2. Incisive and witty as usual!!!! El Joh at his best!!!!.....but when will you grow hair on this bottlelike head? Loool!!!

  3. Hi El Nathan.I am trying to get in touch with you.I need your help with something.This is Ekene (From law school) .Can't seem to find you on facebook anymore.Please contact me.

  4. I can't quite see the dots in between the letters in my email address.So doing it another way e(dot)okwuegbunam@gmail(dot)com. :)


You fit vex, bet abeg no curse me. You hear?