NOW THAT WE HAVE GOT THE FUCKING GAYS

Because I Care #44

I don’t always use bad language. A president never should. But I tell you sometimes you can see it in a president’s eyes that he is saying it in his head. Like that time Obama got his almost-namesake Osama. When he opened his mouth to say, We gat ‘im, he bunched his mouth in such a manner that suggested that what he really wanted to say was: We fucking got ‘im! And I understand. So bear with me. 

Jonathan got the fucking gays! Or Jonathan fucking got the gays! Whichever one works for you.

Do not ask me why my political rival and soon to be predecessor, like a rat stealing the remains of food at night, secretly signed the Same Sex Marriage Prohibition Law. I am not gifted in reading the minds of politicians. Perhaps he thought: what do I do now that the economy is in shambles, my ministers are corrupt, Maiduguri is still on fire and electricity is still a mess, and in a rare moment of clarity he must have found the answer: the gays. Now it is not my place to praise the president for his wisdom and ability to prioritize- that is what he pays people like Reuben Abati and those young men on Twitter for. I just realize that Nigerians- my supporters especially- need to know what this new law means for them. I would hate to see any of my people get raped in a Nigerian jail.

We will examine a few of the provisions from a legal point of view. Because I care.

Sections 1, 2 and 3 generally say that two people of the same gender cannot marry. If they decide to marry, such marriage is invalid and illegal. This is pretty straightforward. I am not sure I have met anyone in Nigeria who wants to marry someone of their gender no matter what their sexual orientation is. The real meat of the law starts in section 4. This is the time to reduce the volume of whatever gospel music is playing in the background in your room so you can concentrate.

Section 4: Registration of Homosexual Clubs and Societies

This section begins thus: 4.-(1) The Registration of gay clubs, societies and organisations, their sustenance, processions and meetings are hereby prohibited.

Now as a young lawyer who is being paid N20,000 a month by your very stingy senior, company registration (and if you are lucky sale of property) is the only way you can augment your measly income. I see you guys at the Corporate Affairs Commission (CAC) hustling. Sometimes when God blesses your CAC hustle you don’t even remember the names of the many companies you are registering. With this new law you cannot afford that risk. It is now illegal to register any gay club, society or organization. Check for any gay-ish names. Tutti-fruity, Lip-lickers, Sweet Sensations (advice these people to change to Sweet Straight Sensations), and any company name with any of these words: ‘sausage’, ‘rod’, ‘top’, ‘bottom’, ‘same’, ‘lick’, ‘plate’, ‘behind’ etc. Now even the word ‘etc’ is suspect. When a client says ‘etc’, you must ask him or her to spell out exactly what the hell they mean before you will discover after registration that etc harbours something gay. God forbid that our enemies entrap us and truncate our hustle this year.  

Also, you who is the human rights activist, when you are invited to a meeting, you must ask to see the agenda. You never know who may raise a gay issue and put you all in trouble. You must remember that there are agents of our enemies lurking all about seeking to truncate our hustle.

(2) The public show of same sex amorous relationship directly or indirectly is hereby prohibited.

I see your mouth is open. Close it let us continue. Public show of direct same sex amorous relationship directly can be when you, as a girl, haven’t seen that your friend for a long time and you hug her tightly for a long time and kiss her on the cheek and say: eees a liiie! eees this you? A police officer may just arrest you. If you see your long lost friend of the same gender, I advise you to keep a respectable one to two feet distance while you jump and scream.

Now the indirect one can be winking, staring too long, paying the bus fare for someone of the same gender or other such things. I am still trying to understand this one myself.  

Section 5 lists offences and their penalties. For those who enter into a same gender marriage or civil union contract, they get 14 years. And those who register gay societies or directly or indirectly make a public show of same sex amorous relationship get 10 years in jail.

Don’t ask me the sense in sending people who show same sex love to a same sex prison. God forbid that a lawyer or presidential hopeful should know everything. What will my advisers do?

Some other things to generally avoid include:

Chit-chat in public toilets: You know how some guys will nod to you in the urinary at Silverbird after a movie or something, like you guys share some deep secret. Idiots. Or how Nigerians just like to greet strangers. Anywhere. Well don’t do it. Don’t be nodding to a strange man with your penis out on display. Just don’t.

Arm wrestling: This thing can get quite intimate. You are holding each other, looking in each other’s eyes, staring at each other’s ripped beautiful biceps, close enough to smell each other’s breaths… this is just asking for trouble. Avoid arm wrestling like common sense avoids our politicians.

Commercial motorcycles: Praise God that most Governors have had the good sense to ban them. You don’t want two men, thighs grinding against each other going to godknowswhere. God forbid. I rebuke the spirit of 14year jail terms on your behalf.

Whispering into someone’s ear: Sometimes you feel the need to say something to someone of your gender and the noise is too loud or there are people there you don’t want to share that secret with. My hand no dey. Send it as a text. Or WhatsApp message. You know how sensitive the ears are. In fact if you ask me it should be called a sex organ.

Now, section 5 (3) says: Any persons or group of persons that witnesses, and aids the solemnization of a same sex marriage contract or civil union or supports the registration of gay clubs, societies and organisations, processions or meetings in Nigeria commits an offence and liable on conviction to a term of 10 years imprisonment.

This is where it gets tricky. The law says if you are a spectator sef, you get 10 years. If you help, you get 10 years. If you support you get 10 years. So dear supporters what are we to do? If you see two men holding hands, you must cast and bind the spirit of jail sentences and cross the street. Run far from it. I advice that when walking on the street you should use dark goggles. That way no one can prove that you witnessed anything. Also you may want to have ear phones on all the time whether or not you are listening to music. That way no one can say you heard when two people of the same gender were expressing love or arranging to hook up somewhere. 

Generally you can start to time your handshakes with persons of the same gender. I would suggest 2 seconds at the maximum. Anyone who holds you longer than that is trying to truncate your hustle and is an enemy of our collective freedom. We must rebuke such persons harshly.

Hopefully with this anti gay law, our economy, electricity and security will improve. Sometimes when your enemy shows wisdom, you commend him for it. I commend Jonathan for finding the cure to all our problems. Unfailingly, I will talk about this legacy of his when I take over in 2015.