Sunday, March 12, 2017


Dearest Buhari,

If you hear your ears ringing it is the sound of me crying out in jubilation at your return Bubu. If you feel tremors beneath your feet it is me pounding the ground in a happy dance. If you hear uncomfortable squeaky sounds it is me, moving things around in the other room as you settle in this weekend. Thank you for reading my letters and for deciding to come home Bubu.

You have to forgive me. I was being selfish thinking you no longer loved me. I even accused you of cheating, with London, with King Mohammed of Morocco and even Trump. Your people, the ones who shielded me from seeing you or hearing your voice swore to God that you were hale and hearty and just resting. They swore one their dead parents’ graves that you my love were not very ill. But after reading what you said about your own illness upon arrival I feel bad. You said you were taking lots of drugs and got blood transfusions. You even said that since your days as a young man you had never been this ill. You see, they lied to me. If I had know you were so ill, I would have come to take care of you in London. I would have cooked for you, wiped all your cracks and crevices clean. I would have been patient. Why did they tell me you were hale and hearty? I know why. They want us to break up. They want to destroy our love and drive a wedge between us. But the devil is a liar and so are his children. Now that I know that you were very ill, I will understand if you have to go back to London for treatment. (I am wondering what happened to all those who lied in God’s name about your illness. Will God punish them for taking his name in vain? I hope so. And those who swore on their parents’ graves that you were hale and hearty, what will happen to those graves? Because it is not their dead parents fault that their children are damn shameless liars. I think they should continue resting in peace.)

I know we can’t resume our relationship like it was before because you have to rest and all. I am patient. Your deputy will take care of the house this weekend while I watch you and take care of you. Some wicked people are suggesting that if, even after your return you still need your deputy to take care of the house while you rest may be I should look for another lover especially as I am still young and healthy. They say that it is not your birthright to be head of this house. They point to Europe and America and say that if we were there you would have just retired and asked me to find a younger healthier person. I just want to say that you should not allow any of that talk bother you. I am here for you because I know that you came back for me.  

Our house has continued suffering recession and really some of your houseboys have gone wild and crazy but I know that you suffered more than we all did while you were in London. Especially the food. We both know that one of the main reasons why the British thought it necessary to violently invade 25% of the world is that they could not bear the thought of one more year with their own horrible food and weather. And to think you spent almost two months there. I hope you were able to get some edible Halal food. No wonder you lost so much weight. The illnesses are bad enough then add tasteless meals to that. No. Your suffering was greater than ours. 

If you ask me the next time you have to go back to London, we should go together and pack some soup ingredients so I can cook for you in London. But if you just want to rest without me, I understand. In that case I would recommend that you travel with one cook from Abuja. I know some have suggested that you build hospitals that you can feel confident enough to attend here in Nigeria, but sometimes the body needs that feeling of traveling abroad to respond to treatment. Also those people speaking are just haters who wish you ill anyway. It is not your fault that we do not have stable electricity. Do they want electricity to go off while you are doing a medical procedure? They wish you evil those people. 

Meanwhile, now that you are back Bubu, I will make a list of all the people who must have skipped your mind, including the grass cutter who is really bringing shame to our house. Not just the size of his belly but the fact that he diverted our money and everyone thinks he is a thief. We shouldn't have thieves parading confidently in our yard. 

Also, can we talk about how all your workers just think they can use our security guards like their personal property? I thought they were professionals. We cannot have workers who have private disputes with their lovers then use our security guards to settle it. You know that one who calls himself Apostle in our backyard? That is how he got some of the guards to detain a woman on whose back he was ejaculating. For three days they held her without charge. Imagine. As if our guards had nothing better to do. But that bald headed self-styled Apostle, you would not even imagine he was that imaginative, to finish off on the woman's back. I wonder if he does that with his own wife. Where do people learn such things even? Anyway, better the back than the face or hair. No?

Let me take hot water into the bathroom for you. I know you have a hot shower but we both know that it is more romantic for me to put water on the fire for you. Also, what if there is no electricity. Take your time in the shower and call out if you need me. 

Ps. I trust that now that you are back we will resume communicating like the happy couple that we are and that you will not allow your uncle or whoever is around you come between us again Bubu. 

Pps. I heard that short man who claims to be your friend didn’t even come to the airport behind his house to welcome you back. I hope he has a good excuse, like being very far away. Otherwise it might be because you embarrassed him that last time he came to greet you. You know how he likes to keep a grudge. So petty that small one. We should call him Petina. 

Yours forever


1 comment:

  1. I sauntered in here in a fit of drunkenness to read "Now That You Are Back" which caused me a good laugh and then an intense headache until I stumbled on your supposed "bio" (for that is what sane people usually call it) and it was like the gates of heaven opened up and madness rained on me from my hair strands to the nails on my feet. Thank you for building this home for us maddening people.


You fit vex, bet abeg no curse me. You hear?