Sunday, March 5, 2017


Dearest Buhari,

I have gone through my last three letters. Meticulously. Underlined every word. Went back to check for words with multiple meanings. Because I am thinking maybe it is me. Maybe I am the reason you are not responding to me, not talking to me. Maybe the letters annoy you. Maybe it was the typos in at least two of the letters. I know you are a meticulous man and I can understand how a typo can irritate you so bad you do not want to love me anymore. I apologize for any typos. But man proposes, God disposes — you do believe that every event is destined by God no? Or maybe it was because I called you General? So I am not taking any chances now Bubu. I only called you General because your love makes me stand erect, at attention. Ok, maybe you don't find that funny and I apologize. However I need to talk about something else. 

I am hurt. Deeply. Your friends told me that you spoke to the King of Morocco. Morocco! He called you. First that means that he has your number. I know he is a head of state and has contact with the presidency and all, even visited Abuja but, how did he get your number in London? How long has this been going on? And why the King of Morocco? He is not even your type. I have lived long enough with you to know what turns your head and no, Mohammed VI is not it. What did you see in him that you did not see in me? Ok, I have dropped the demand that you call me via Skype. Maybe you are self conscious and do not want me to see your face. But at least WhatsApp. Write me. Speak to me. Not through that houseboy of yours who looks like a pigeon. Ok, let me stop, I am getting angry. Let me simply explain to you why you speaking to Mohammed VI hurts me. 

First off the King of Morocco is not like you. You didn’t inherit anything and I know you loved me because I worked hard from scratch and am not a daddy’s boy. Mohammed VI is only king because his daddy was king. You built your name from scratch. You fought in wars. And you admired me because I was in some small way like you. You love hard workers. On the day of his birth, Mohammed was appointed Heir Apparent and Crown Prince! Is that the kind of person you want to be having an affair with? Someone who does not know anything about work? Is this the kind of person you are refusing to talk to me for?

Yes he may have developed Morocco a bit but he also has been accused of corruption. But more than that Bubu dear, he put on weight since becoming king. I have been here trying all sorts of diets (remember the year I stopped eating meat altogether? Yes it was because of you!). I have been trying to work out because look at you my dear — so fit. You haven't gained a kilo since you took power after that coup in the 80’s. No belly fat. No flabby arms. Is that what you want? Do you want me to put on weight? Because I can do it for you. If that will make you speak to me directly, I will. For you I will. 

People keep repeating it. That it is better for me if you are away because your deputy is running our house well. But your deputy can’t love me like you do. And all he is doing are things you wanted to do anyway. There is nothing special about implementing your ideas. They are still your ideas.The men are all lining up outside our bedroom trying to take your place. I see them and I am refusing to even leave the room. If only you would speak to me and tell me what was going on I would be proud and tell those men wanting to replace you that although my man is ill and away, he is still my man. 

I am sorry to keep returning to this but man, the King of Morocco? I thought you like me tall dark and handsome. So yes he is richer than me and all but money isn't everything. And it is not even as if you like money. This is one thing that attracted me to you in the first place. You didn’t care that I wasn't rich. You just wanted to love me. 

Please, talk to me. Even if it is just for five minutes. Send me an emoji or something. Anything. 

Ps. Your uncle is refusing to give me any information and is making it hard for anyone to reach you. I am beginning to suspect that he is intercepting my messages and destroying them. I would hate to think he is keeping you from me. This is why if you can read any of my messages, you really need to respond to me. Otherwise, we may need to do something about your uncle. 
I am here whenever you choose to talk. Because love is patient. 

Pps. I just Googled Mohammed’s photo again and it just hurt me afresh. Is this really what you want Bubu?

Yours forever, 


1 comment:

You fit vex, bet abeg no curse me. You hear?