Monday, October 27, 2014

THE GOSPEL OF AID


CHAPTER 1: In the Beginning
  1. In the beginning was the word about change and the change was with aid, and the change was aid.
  2. All things were made by aid; and without aid there was nothing made.
CHAPTER 2: Sufficiency
  1. Therefore do not be anxious for tomorrow, for tomorrow will have its own government.
  2. Sufficient for each day is its own DFID grants.
CHAPTER 3: Love and Trust
  1. For foreign donors loved the third world so much that they gave their only begotten aid, that whosoever accepts it and takes some loans by the side will not perish but have everlasting help.
  2. Trust in the donor with all your heart and do not lean upon your own understanding, but in all your ways take notice of his aid.
CHAPTER 4: The Evil Chinese
  1. The Chinese only comes to steal kill and destroy. I have come that you may have aid and have it to the full.
  2. Avoid the yuan from the Chinese and reject their investments.
CHAPTER 5: The Way
  1. And the friends of foreign donors asked, how may we come to be your friends and they answered: Aid is the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to development, except through aid.
  2. By this all will know that you are my disciples, if you share my aid among yourselves.
CHAPTER 6: Man Power/ Human Capacity Development
  1. Show me a Nigerian thinker or academic and I will show you the kind of NGO/INGO where s/he spends his/her productive hours.
CHAPTER 7: The Beatitudes
  1. Blessed are the doctors who refuse to do a residency and choose an NGO, for theirs is the kingdom of per diems, foreign travels and stable salaries.
  2. Blessed are the lecturers who become NGO consultants, for they will drive better cars than their colleagues.
  3. Blessed are those who hustle to create NGOs, for they will be filled with foreign grants.
  4. Blessed are those who are persecuted for being activists, for they will be granted residency in foreign countries.
CHAPTER 8: Permanence
  1. Do not think that I have come to abolish dependence on foreign countries. I have come not to abolish it but to strengthen it.
  2. For truly I tell you, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest aid, not the least stoke of grants will by any means disappear from your hospitals and governments until everything is accomplished. Whatever that is.
CHAPTER 9: The Aid Prayer
  1. You must pray then this way: Our donors, who art abroad, hallowed be thy purse. Thy aid come in dollars and pounds.
  2. Thy will be done in our countries, as promoted by Bono
  3. Give us this day, our yearly funding
  4. And lead us not into self-reliance
  5. But deliver us from our selves
  6. For thine are dollars, the pounds and the euros, forever and ever. Amen



12 comments:

  1. Absolutely priceless!
    'Give us this day, our yearly funding'
    Hilarious!!!

    Brilliant Mr Elnathan, brilliant!

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  2. Ha ha! I am in a meeting courtesy of the American and German people. The irony...

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  3. "And lead us not into self-reliance"..
    Hehehe! Like this.

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  4. Couldn't agree more! you have hit the nail right on the head :)

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  5. Aid is continuous enslavement. We have been constricted into a begger continent, third world nations(what would happened if we are called first and second - in Fela Anikulapo-Kuti 's voice) that cannot settle their own problems. And the CSOs? The get grants to produce statistics and books people never read. Brilliant satire. Be Safe. SM-S

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  6. Not enough African voices are singing this tune. I am presently showing my play AID: or doing nothing in Nairobi which address much of the issues in your piece. I am not African and gave the critical stance towards Aid to the Kenyan character. I just find that this debate is happening way to often between whites in the western world. Dambisa Moyo and those tweets from Teju Cole aside, too little is heard from this continent. Hope to be in Nigeria one day and meet you.
    Cheers,
    Robin Denault
    Nairobi, Kenya

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    1. Thanks for your kind comment Robin.

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  7. Can't believe I'm just reading this. Couldn't be more apt & insightful. And the medium of delivery, simply awesome. Should resonate with our extremely religious folks, your primary audience. Again, well done!

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You fit vex, bet abeg no curse me. You hear?