It is another celebration of Nigeria’s independence. Speeches have been made about how great we are as an independent country. However, I am disappointed in President Jonathan who showed what we Nigerians call ‘lack of home training’. He gave an Independence Day speech with zero gratitude to the people and institutions whose actions keep Nigeria alive and stable. As president come 2015, I have home training and know the value of gratitude. On behalf of our ungrateful president and Nigeria, I want to express my gratitude as follows:
Thank you English football and the UEFA Champions League. For providing a distraction for young Nigerians who would otherwise have had the time to worry about a failed country. You don’t know it yet, but English football and the Champions League have contributed to our stability as a nation, so that instead of quarrel about development, we can spend time fighting over Arsenal and Manchester United or whether Ronaldo is better than Messi. And for this we say, God bless you.
Thank you Holland. For easing the nerves of Nigerians with our most popular brand of beer. Many Nigerians may not realize Star Lager is a Dutch product, but I do. Thank you for helping us effectively wash away our sorrows.
Thank you South Africa. For all the companies that make our lives bearable. For DSTV, without which we would be stuck with government propaganda and adverts. For Shoprite. For MTN which teaches us values like patience and knowing how to have a backup plan. For keeping some of our terrorists in your hygienic, safe jails. Because we cannot risk exposing our real terrorist leaders to our filthy overcrowded jails. That is why we either kill them extrajudicially or make their lives better with millions of dollars through a program we christen 'amnesty'. Thanks big brother.
Thank you Dubai. For keeping the wives and mistresses of our corrupt civil servants and leaders busy with interesting, expensive hobbies. For providing a safe haven when our corrupt politicians are too scared to go into America or Britain. You preserve our love.
Thank you Switzerland. For safely storing all the money stolen from our country. Your honesty is commendable. You even returned some of it. People think you people are boring. They just don’t understand you like I do. Hugs. Oh, also for Sepp Blatter, who has proven that corruption is not a genetic problem of black people – white people too can be corrupt, sit-tight leaders.
Thank you Germany. For Julius Berger. Without whom in the event of an emergency, we would be in serious trouble. Thank you for all our major roads and bridges.
Thank you Ghana, Cyprus, Ukraine, Malaysia… for providing not-too-rich Nigerians an opportunity to give their children a decent education.
Thank you America, for sometimes stepping in and telling our president what to do. For that accent that our radio presenters across the country try so desperately to copy. Radio would be dead without you. We love you.
Thank you Brazil. For all your unselfish women who give up their awesome hair that our women may look beautiful. And China for making sure the women who can’t afford human Brazilian hair can at least buy artificial hair.
Thank you Benin Republic. For all the cooks who keep the expatriates in Nigeria nourished while they provide us technical expertise and foreign aid.
Thank you UK. For helping us track some corrupt politicians so that we could find them and pardon them. Because if you had not caught them, how else would we have forgiven them. For DFID. Without which most of our hospitals would crash. For the projects which provide decent employment for our consultants and PhD’s and other development hustlers.
Thank you foreign journalists. For asking the questions our journalists are too underpaid to ask. For being the only ones our president will speak to. For telling us the things we would never have found out. May God bless your hustle and lead you to more of our leaders.
Thank you Malala. For informing our president about the plight of the missing school girls and extracting a commitment from him. We appreciate you.
Thank you Washington Post. For those editorials that spurred our President to action. May your business continue to grow.
Thank you, Western countries in general. For granting asylum to those who cannot be gay in Nigeria, both real and fake. We appreciate your patience in dealing with the flood of applications.
Thank you China. For the shinier, cheaper versions of all the things most of our people cannot afford. Ps. It would be nice if your people mixed with our people sometimes. We are Ebola free, you know.
Thank you Israel for all the guns. For helping our leaders spy on us. For protecting our leaders from us. What would we do without you?
Thank you Harvard. For providing a space for ex government officials to soothe their consciences and (re)write the history of their time in government. We love those books.
Thank you Germany, England and India. For preserving the quality of life of our politicians and making sure they are healthy and able to rule us well. For also treating their families and providing a decent place for our wealthy to die. God will bless your hustle.
It is my hope that these countries and entities accept my gratitude and keep supporting our collective hustle.