OUR FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN

By the time you are reading this, the people of Osun would have finished counting the votes and the entire Nigerian security apparatus would have begun packing their bags to return to their original posts across the country.

Let me explain why the PDP did not leave any stone unturned in trying to win the elections. It is all in Aregbesola’s face. You can attempt to buy people’s votes with party branded Uncle Ben’s rice and odorless fufu but you cannot buy the rugged face of Rauf Aregbesola. While Omisore wears a chubby greasy face with a Hitler moustache, Aregbesola’s face is a map of challenges which can easily be read by poor people who make up the majority of people in the state. For poor people it is like watching a movie that you can totally relate to.

But I understand the Federal Government. In most competitions, there is an attempt to have contestants evenly matched. Boxing has weight categories and the Olympics and Commonwealth games have separate events for physically challenged people. Omisore and Aregbesola are not evenly matched. We do not expect Omisore to suddenly grow a face full of suffering. To counter the self-campaigning face of Aregbesola, I believe it was only fair that the PDP had the entire Nigerian police on their side.

I was going to weigh in more seriously however until I read the tweets of President Jonathan’s personal attack machine, Mr Doyin Okupe. He ended the conversation. On Friday, he tweeted:

“Our father who art in Heaven, Hallowed b thine name 2mro Glorify yr Name in osun state. Gv victory 2 yr son omisore &Shame satan &his cohorts.”

I have left in all the errors, but please don’t let the fact that a presidential spokesman tweets like a careless 14 year old distract from the very important message. Once I read “Our father who art in Heaven”, I knew that was it. He didn’t just invoke any god but the one in heaven. So, perhaps Omisore’s loss is actually a victory in disguise. Maybe if he got elected something terrible would have happened to him. We all know that the god Okupe was praying to, is rumored to work in mysterious ways. So join me in congratulating Omisore for his victory in disguise.

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I am afraid of all these natural remedies and local drinks. Remember Nigeria’s Chika Amalaha, who got stripped of the 53kg women’s weightlifting Commonwealth gold medal because of doping? Well a member of the coaching team has revealed that what she drank was zobo, a drink made from local hibiscus leaves. I am running for president and I don’t want anyone to one day reveal I am a drug addict because of all the moringa I have consumed over the years. What is a harmless natural supplement today may turn out to be a banned substance tomorrow. It might be best to just avoid moringa, aloe vera, garlic and all the other miracle plants and just drink water for now.

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So, Goodluck Jonathan and the rest of the people I will sack when I become president come 2015, just returned from the US-Africa Summit in Washington D.C. For the first time since the Ebola outbreak I am not scared of a large number of people flying in to Nigeria. The kind leader of the free world insisted that the African delegation be screened for Ebola before meeting with President Obama. No one published the results of that screening but I believe it is safe to assume that since Jonathan was not sent home prematurely he is Ebola free. We have to thank Obama for this. Our president would never have voluntarily submitted to a test but now we can sleep easy knowing that our leader is well.

One of the subtle but emphasized themes of the US Africa summit was the fear of China. It was like a caring father gathering his children to warn about the pedophile down the road who offers children sweets to lure them into his house. I am not sure how China will respond to this.

Sadly, Patience Jonathan could not dazzle at the meeting of African first ladies with Michelle Obama. Jonathan left her behind. I don’t think this is fair. It is not every day one gets to meet extravagant wives of dictators to share tips on jewelry, shopping and cosmetic surgeries. Jonathan needs to start taking his wife more seriously. Nobody forced him to marry.

As Ebola spreads, let us remember to take all the necessary precautions like hand washing, and avoiding bush meat. You will not die if you stop eating bush meat for a few months. Before you exchange bodily fluids with a stranger, watch for symptoms. A long conversation might help. The person may in that period even reveal more undesirable traits about themselves like membership of the PDP or belief in mamiwater or refusal to let you have the head of catfish. This single stone of delay kills two birds: You avoid potential Ebola (and herpes) and avoid ending up in bed with someone you’ll regret. I guess the point is, exchange bodily fluids responsibly. And no, neither salt nor your pastor can cure Ebola.