Sunday, August 17, 2014


I must begin by talking about how Jonathan keeps disappointing us on the global stage. My soon-to-be-predecessor does not understand the importance of a strong foreign policy. Global powers did not become global powers overnight. At a time when America is facing internal uprising and is unable to protect its vulnerable and minority populations, Jonathan should have offered to send in troops or peacekeepers to Ferguson in America where mostly white police are currently terrorizing mostly black Americans using military style gear. As the leader of black Africa, we need to show that we care and help those poor black people, some of whom might have descended from slaves stolen from Nigeria. If I was president, I would go hold a world press conference stating that what is happening to black people in Ferguson is unacceptable and that unless America starts respecting the human rights of its former slaves, I will send in drones and commence airstrikes. I know the second hand drones we bought from Israel are grounded, but as president I will make sure I get them fixed, or ask for some left over from Israel when it finishes killing civilians in Gaza.
On the home front however, Jonathan’s response to the Ebola outbreak has been remarkable. Permit me to show some sportsmanship and list out the great steps that he has taken to deal with Ebola in Nigeria:
1.      He has joined the world in declaring it an emergency. A declaration is everything. Is that not why people spend plenty money to go for conferences so they can make declarations afterward? Like the Berlin conference where they declared Africa chopped up and sold. Or Beijing where they declared that contrary to the belief of many men then alive, women were full human beings with equal rights. It is just sad that because of the urgency, he didn’t do it at a conference. It really doesn’t matter that many months into an Ebola outbreak in three West African countries, Nigeria didn’t think it was necessary to monitor flights coming in from those countries. That would have been considered malice. Better to begin when we already have our own Ebola case.
2.      Jonathan fired the 16,000 resident doctors who were on strike trying to push for better wages and work conditions. In a time of a public health emergency this seems like a smart thing to do. Sometimes when you are fighting an external battle it might be best to get rid of internal enemies first. That is why during every war an army kills or jails people for treason or mutiny. You cannot fight well when your home is in disarray. The doctors should be happy that they were just sacked. Because if they were soldiers in an army they would have been shot for downing their tools.
3.      The president also this week shared hand sanitizer after a Federal Executive Council meeting to show his commitment to fighting Ebola. The fact that no one noticed when a nurse who was infected with Ebola and was supposed to be closely observed left Lagos and travelled to Enugu to see her family has nothing to do with Jonathan’s commitment. It is not easy to bring hand sanitizer to a FEC meeting and show the whole world how he wipes his hands. In fact, he has stopped shaking his political allies and Ministers. We all know how important a handshake is to people. Only this year Doyin Okupe tore Mrs Ezekwesili to pieces on Twitter for refusing to shake him when they met at an airport. For a man facing re-election to put his election in jeopardy by refusing to shake people who are unlikely to have Ebola is something that must be commended.
Now that Ebola is everywhere, and following the example of Ebele Jonathan, I expect everyone to carry a hand sanitizer around. Just like people who always have Orbit chewing gum in their bags, I also expect people to share with others. When you enter a bus, after greeting everyone, bring out your hand sanitizer and offer it to those sitting around you. When someone comes to visit, serve them hand sanitizer on the tray beside their food and drinks. Add hand sanitizers in gift packs and hampers.
Meanwhile on Wednesday, the highest ranking chicken farmer of Enugu State who doubles as the Deputy Governor, Mr Sunday Onyebuchi, slumped before an impeachment panel. One of his major offences that has earned him impeachment proceedings is his refusal to remove the poultry from his official residence. No one is thinking about the chickens in this fight between the Governor, who himself is alleged to have poultry in his official residence, and the Deputy Governor. Knowing now that both Chime and Onyebuchi have poultry farms I have a theory. I think the Deputy Governor’s chickens were doing better than the Governor’s chickens. If so, I blame the Deputy Governor. Everyone knows the rule of power that says you should try never to outshine the master. This problem could have been solved by offering to swap chickens with the Governor or holding a ceremony naming his superior poultry farm after Governor Chime. As an animal rights activist I am concerned about the chickens. I hope that no harm will come to the Deputy Governor’s chickens.

So the Central Bank has decided to re-introduce cash charges on cash withdrawals from other banks’ ATMs. This sounds like a good thing. I have always felt guilty using the ATM of other banks for free. It didn’t feel right to me. I thank the CBN for finally doing something to ease my conscience. Now I will feel comfortable using ATMs around me. God bless the CBN. 


  1. lovely write up..sarcastic and fun to read with smiles on your face and thoughts in the heart abt the state of the nation


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